(no subject)
i think i'm back on the wagon. i said no to everything this morning and i have class through dinner time so i hope that will be easy to avoid. so far today i've had coffee with cream in it. i'm really tired. i think it's because i slept too much and i'm just groggy. i'm going to have something small when colin gets out of work then i'm going to take my sleep meds and go to bed. i'm still 5lbs heavier than thursday, i hope it all comes off by this thursday again and i won't drink and shit this weekend (HAHAH.) i'm kidding myself there. it's so hard to avoid that stuff on weekends when structure disappears. and i get wasted and want taco bell and am too drunk to care about calories. blegh. i dont fucking know. this shit sucks. i just want to be thin thin thin.
i have a quiz in philosophy in an 1.5hrs on 40 pages of text that i haven't read. GREAT. i should go get on that but for some reason i really just don't give a fuck. colin's mom yelled at me for never going to math. she told me that my parents would be wicked pissed and that i wouldn't be able to transfer. blah blah blah. it made me feel weird. i know she has good intentions and that what she's saying is true, but it's stuff i already knew and don't need someone else to tell me. i know, and i obviously don't care. so why bother? colin did the same shit to me last night accept worse. he was trying to tell me that i was embarrassed to show up and afraid that i couldn't redeem myself. not true? fuck you? i just honestly don't care. i don't want to get up on four hours of sleep to waste gas going to a class where i learn nothing. not really my thing. i should probably just go talk to a counselor about it and see what can be done. i will tell them about my insomnia too and get a doctors note. i just really fucking hate this shit. it's not for me. but the people in my life really can't see that. and i know they have good intentions when they try to pressure me to take this route. but i'm not happy and i can't see myself being happy with anything like this in the future. and no one wants to listen to that. colin says it's an immature excuse for laziness and fear. which pisses me off even more. i didn't know it was immature to know myself. to identify what makes me happy or unhappy and take actions to improve MY OWN LIFE. seriously, fuck off. it's no one's business but my own. i'm a good girlfriend to him, i'm good to his mom and my parents, what i do in my own time does not concern them. plus them putting extra pressure on me just makes it that much more overwhelming and irritating.
i have a quiz in philosophy in an 1.5hrs on 40 pages of text that i haven't read. GREAT. i should go get on that but for some reason i really just don't give a fuck. colin's mom yelled at me for never going to math. she told me that my parents would be wicked pissed and that i wouldn't be able to transfer. blah blah blah. it made me feel weird. i know she has good intentions and that what she's saying is true, but it's stuff i already knew and don't need someone else to tell me. i know, and i obviously don't care. so why bother? colin did the same shit to me last night accept worse. he was trying to tell me that i was embarrassed to show up and afraid that i couldn't redeem myself. not true? fuck you? i just honestly don't care. i don't want to get up on four hours of sleep to waste gas going to a class where i learn nothing. not really my thing. i should probably just go talk to a counselor about it and see what can be done. i will tell them about my insomnia too and get a doctors note. i just really fucking hate this shit. it's not for me. but the people in my life really can't see that. and i know they have good intentions when they try to pressure me to take this route. but i'm not happy and i can't see myself being happy with anything like this in the future. and no one wants to listen to that. colin says it's an immature excuse for laziness and fear. which pisses me off even more. i didn't know it was immature to know myself. to identify what makes me happy or unhappy and take actions to improve MY OWN LIFE. seriously, fuck off. it's no one's business but my own. i'm a good girlfriend to him, i'm good to his mom and my parents, what i do in my own time does not concern them. plus them putting extra pressure on me just makes it that much more overwhelming and irritating.