(no subject)
Title: Profiler, Profiled: The Aftermath
Part 11
Summary: After Profiler, Profiled. Morgan is struggling. Reid tries to help. Morgan doesn't react well to finding out that Hotch and Reid are a couple.
Warnings: SLASH H/R, slight d/s, violence, mature themes
A/N: Sorry this took so long. I had my finals and the flu and a funeral to get through last week. Plus, my parents decided to get a divorce and sell our house. So sorry if that reflects on the quality of the work, I didnt want to leave you hanging much longer but I realyl didnt have the nerve to go over it more than once.
Thanks for all your lovely reviews though, I was really happy about those. Please keep it up.
Oh, and I opened a poll on my page a while ago for some new stories I might write after this one. Please have a look and vote if you find the time. Thank you!
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Reid takes in a sharp breath, feeling cold dread rising inside him as he stares up at Morgan whose grip around his wrists has tightened painfully, his expression slipping.
Trying as he certainly is, he still can't get his brain to catch up to how the evening has turned out, to how he´s ended up trapped in his best friend´s living room, feeling like his heart will leap out of his chest at any second.
*Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it's just a talk*
How in the world did this happen? Even back at the office, Morgan just wanted to talk, to help, and Reid has tried to do just that -and yet somehow things seem to be escalating at a frightening rate.
Now everything is suddenly falling apart. Now Morgan is looking at him like he doesn't even recognize him.
"Are you saying you want him to hurt you?" Morgan asks incredulously, like he is hoping he´s heard it wrong the first time around, "Are you kidding me?"
His eyes flash with so much barely contained anger and hurt that Reid immediately knows he shouldn´t have said anything. Of course he was bound to take that the wrong way, make it sound awful.
So stupid. What was he thinking even opening his mouth?
Morgan will never understand what he is trying to say, not even if he tried. All he might accomplish here is to maybe make him hate both him and Aaron equally for living his nightmare peacefully.
He is seriously beginning to wonder if there even was any helping this to begin with, if he should have tried in the first place. Because so far he has only succeeded in hurting all of them even more.
*Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came*
When he doesn't answer the question immediately, Morgan's grip grows even tighter, tension palpable in the room.
"No, I mean…" Reid backpedals hastily, trying not to wince at the pain shooting through his hands, "That's not what I meant, I - I…I knew you wouldn't understand, not with everything that´s happened to you-"
It´s meant to alleviate some of the tension between them, to get Morgan to back off but it is obviously the wrong thing to say, the mention of Buford and the past causing Morgan's face to shadow up even worse.
"Don't make this about me, Reid!" the older agent cuts him off angrily, "Of course I don't understand. I realize that there are people like Buford out there still who prey on the weak, but what I don't understand is why you would still try to cover for Hotch, protect him even now! And with a lie like that of all things!"
Morgan shakes his head harshly, somewhere between disappointed and appalled. He looks like he wants to jump to his feet and shout and Reid is internally surprised he hasn't yet, considering what they are arguing about.
He swallows hard, wringing his hands nervously as much as he can. Just a moment ago, he was sure that Morgan is this angry because of the content of his confession, but clearly deep down Morgan simply hasn't accepted the information that Reid is an active and willing participant in his relationship, and is now simply mad at him for lying.
His suspicions are proven when Morgan takes a deep breath, visibly forcing himself to stay calm as he fixates Reid intently, fingers flexing around his wrist agitatedly, "Just cut the crap, Reid. Stop lying to me. I know you are! Why can't you just admit you need help to get out -I´ve been through this, I can help you."
*Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence*
His friend looks so hopeful that Reid almost catches himself chickening out and just conceding to what he wants to hear simply to get out of the situation.
But even now that Morgan is so clearly stricken and barely in control of his emotions, even with how he´s treated him tonight and how he´s severed the trust Reid has learned to put in him ever so slowly over the years, knowing that if he keeps trying to convince Morgan he might just snap -even knowing all that, Reid is still not willing to lie.
As uncomfortable as it is: He can't just run now. Someone will have to fix this eventually and he has a feeling it will have to be him anyway. He doesn't know how to though, without either giving up on telling he truth or giving up on hoping for Morgan's understanding.
He blinks his burning eyes, exasperated, "Morgan, I wasn't trying to hide anything-"
"But you did!" Morgan snaps agitatedly, interrupting him once again, "You kept it all a secret! You hid the marks! Why would you do that, why, if not because he forced you to?"
*Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you*
Reid stares at him wordlessly for a long time, pained by the words as much as by the desperate expression on Morgan's face.
He knows he has made mistakes in handling this, just as he knows that if he wants to get somewhere he can't gets just as upset as Morgan already is, even if what he is accusing Aaron of again makes his blood boil. There is no use in the two of them yelling at each other all night. He runs an unsteady hand through his hair, more shaken by this exchange that he would like to admit; by now he feels like screaming at Morgan but knows he shouldn't.
"There were regulations," he tries to explain it logically, "and I was scared-"
"Of him!"
"NO!" as much as he tries to, he suddenly can't keep his calm any longer, not when his loved one is attacked like this.
He jumps up, catching Morgan by surprise as he yanks his arms free, forgetting himself in his anger for just a second too long as he yells, "No! Stop saying that already! I'm more scared of you right now than I will ever be of Aaron, alright?"
Reid knows it was a mistake to say that the second it slips from his mouth, half regrets it already when he sees Morgan's eyes widen -but he can't find it in him to take it back because it also happens to be true.
Instead he spins around, crossing the room with large steps as he follows the growing instinct to get away from Morgan and his vile thoughts and accusations. His hand is already on the door knob when his other arm is grabbed and Morgan yanks him around to face him, a storm brewing in his eyes.
Reid doesn't even flinch anymore, used to the ill feeling in his stomach right now and not at all surprised that Morgan still won´t let him go. Instead he glares up at him viciously, hoping that Morgan gets a good look at all the pain and misery he's causing him through this.
"If you must know, Morgan, I was scared. Scared of everybody's reaction to finding out about my sexuality, scared of losing my job, my friends." he snaps, unable to hide his agitation now, "And I was right! Look at you! You can't even accept the thought of me being with a man, much less believe me when I tell you I'm happy. I was right not to tell you!"
Reid takes a shaky breath after that. He knows he has a right to be mad with everything that's happened, but even now that he yells at Morgan it doesn't help much. Even as he tries to focus on his anger, he can't help but feel the nagging insecurities and self doubts settling as a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach, the thought of being left by the people he cares about leaving him feeling sick all over again.
He´s pretty sure the others would be fine with it if they knew, but whether he likes it or not, Morgan is like an older brother to him. His opinion has always mattered most, his affection has mattered most.
And now he´s looking at him in a way that almost breaks his heart on the spot. Suddenly he feels like running and crying more than ever, tries to make Morgan let go again almost frantically just to get away from him.
But of course Morgan doesn't let go, he just stares down at him with that strange and hard expression on his face that makes Reid feel like all that they had is slipping though his fingers in those very seconds. He's definitely losing something here, he's just not sure yet what it is…
It seems like the anger and indignation in those dark, familiar eyes are slowly freezing over with realization, leaving them dead and devoid of any sort of warmth.
"You really mean that, don't you?" Morgan finally says tonelessly, inching closer until Reid finds himself with his back to the door, "You really believe I'm the bad guy here."
Reid opens his mouth to protest but Morgan won´t let him get a word in, face crunched up in hurt and anger, voice growing louder, "You really don't want to get away from him, do you? I- fuck, I don´t believe this! All this time, I've been worried sick about you and you…you're not scared of him, you get off on him hurting you! God, how sick is that, wanting someone to treat you like that? What is wrong with you!"
A look of revulsion covers his features and Reid can't help but flinch in shock at the words spit in his face, shocking him into silence.
For a whole ten seconds he just stands there frozen staring at Morgan, unwilling to believe the words he just said. He tries not to let them hurt him, not to resent Morgan for saying them, but it´s getting harder by the second.
Never ever would he have expected them to end up like this, with this void between them, growing with every hurtful thing they throw at into each other's faces. It's like an invisible barrier has been breached, the last one still intact with Morgan calling him sick.
Suddenly the need to help a friend is entirely fogged by the desire to turn away and never have to look into the other man face again.
He can't take it anymore, he just needs to get out.
Tears clouding his vision he makes to turn away and finally get out of here, but Morgan drags him back with a grip as hard as his stare.
"Get your hands off me, Morgan!" he finds himself hissing before he can stop himself, voice cracking already as he claws at Morgan's fingers, "You don´t understand, you obviously can't stand to look at me anymore, fine, so I'll do you the favor and get out of your life! Let go of me!"
"No!" Morgan shakes his head harshly, jaw set tightly as he ignores his distress, "Not until you've told me why!"
He doesn't want to answer, doesn't even want to grace Morgan with a reply anymore the way he's acting, but by now he too is so furious that he can't help but yell back.
"It's not about pain, Morgan, it's about love!"
Reid gasps when instead of a reply he suddenly finds himself shoved back hard, his back colliding with the door painfully. Morgan's eyes are blazing, way too close as he hovers over him, cornering him in his rage. He can smell the alcohol on his breath. Can practically taste the aggression born out of desperation.
"Are you listening to yourself, Reid? That's not love! It´s si-"
"Now where do you get off telling me what love is!" Reid cuts him off, his stomach turning at the prospect of hearing the word sick again. His fury and pain are slowly mixing with apprehension at the way Morgan is becoming more and more physically aggressive, but he still can't make himself stop from getting into Morgan's face, venting his own aggression, "Like you've got a perfect record!"
He realizes it wasn't a good idea to say that when Morgan grabs both of his arms, shoving him back again. It hurts worse this time, knocking the air out of him and sending a jolt of fear through him but Morgan keeps him pinned without blinking, too caught up in his emotions to care.
"You're right, I don't!" he growls from behind gritted teeth, sudden, unexpected emotion mixing with the rage in his dark eyes, "And do you wanna know why?"
Reid fully expects another flood of accusations, but instead Morgan takes a deep breath, and his eyes clear up slightly, gaining in depth again, leaving Reid dazed and confused. He really wasn't expecting this turn of action, doesn't really expect an honest answer at this point. Not after Morgan refused to talk about himself for so long.
But Morgan answers anyway, "Because I'm too scared to go near someone, out of fear to get hurt again, or to hurt them like I was hurt!"
Pain flashes across his features as he says this, the sudden change enough to distract Reid from fighting him effectively. Something has changed again, and Reid gets the feeling they are not really talking about him anymore here.
"Do you know how it feels to find yourself turning into what you despise most, to feel and desire things that you know are wrong, that would cause nothing but more pain and misery if you acted upon them?"
*As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice*
Reid feels himself staring at the other, at a loss of words, unable to do anything about it. Morgan's words have effectively made his anger evaporate, replacing it with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as realization dawns on him.
He bites his lip, suddenly feeling dizzy. Far too young, too vulnerable.
Morgan isn't that much older than him, except his eyes are somehow, old and brittle under all that hard concrete built around them. Right now they look so old that he thinks Morgan might crumble right in front of him.
The sudden silence between them stand in stark contrast to all the noise they made just a minute ago, and when Reid finds his voice again, small and unsure, it still sounds too loud as it crosses they distance between them.
"What are you talking about, Morgan?"
He doesn't get a verbal answer, doesn't need one anyway, because it's all there, plain in Morgan's face. The fear, the guilt, the shame.
Reid feels his heart dropping into his stomach as realization fully hits him, and he would have slapped a hand over his mouth if it weren't for Morgan's vice-like grip on his arms.
He feels tears well up in the corners of his eyes again, but this time they're not just for him, they're for the boy he can see inside his colleague, buried deeply and holding him together by his scars. Only now does he realize how tragic Derek Morgan's life really is, how deep his pain and anger really go.
"Oh…" he doesn't think he can speak and Morgan doesn't look like he wants him too anyways.
His eyes are wet as well, his broad frame shaking as he holds on to Reid. Again, it makes him want to fix what can't be fixed, makes him forget all the built up anger that's still present throughout all of this,
"But… Morgan, that doesn't make you like him, you're a good man-"
Morgan shakes his head harshly, interrupting him. He looks close to breaking down now, though no less upset, reminding Reid that they are technically still fighting, that Morgan is mad at him and that that isn't a good combination at all.
He just can't really focus on his anger with the horrid images flashing through his mind right now. Morgan can though, apparently.
"And if I'm so good," he all but mocks Reid´s feeble attempt at helping, "why did you not choose me?"
His face crunches up in hurt, cheeks wet, seemingly unaware of Reid´s shocked intake of breath as he keeps talking, "I could have made you happy, I would have treated you well- All these years I've been telling myself that you are so innocent, so fragile, that you couldn't handle it, that I had to bury what I felt. I have been lying awake at night, hating myself…all for nothing."
He laughs mirthlessly, fingers flexing around Reid´s arms and the younger man barely has time to register what he´s saying, what it reveals - one second he is staring up at him with disbelieving eyes, the next Morgan's head is swooping down and he is crushing their lips together, hard and desperate.
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Sorry for the cliffie, like i said, i dont have much time right now.
the song is by The Fray "how to save a life"
Please dont forget to take the poll and review !
Part 11
Summary: After Profiler, Profiled. Morgan is struggling. Reid tries to help. Morgan doesn't react well to finding out that Hotch and Reid are a couple.
Warnings: SLASH H/R, slight d/s, violence, mature themes
A/N: Sorry this took so long. I had my finals and the flu and a funeral to get through last week. Plus, my parents decided to get a divorce and sell our house. So sorry if that reflects on the quality of the work, I didnt want to leave you hanging much longer but I realyl didnt have the nerve to go over it more than once.
Thanks for all your lovely reviews though, I was really happy about those. Please keep it up.
Oh, and I opened a poll on my page a while ago for some new stories I might write after this one. Please have a look and vote if you find the time. Thank you!
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Reid takes in a sharp breath, feeling cold dread rising inside him as he stares up at Morgan whose grip around his wrists has tightened painfully, his expression slipping.
Trying as he certainly is, he still can't get his brain to catch up to how the evening has turned out, to how he´s ended up trapped in his best friend´s living room, feeling like his heart will leap out of his chest at any second.
*Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it's just a talk*
How in the world did this happen? Even back at the office, Morgan just wanted to talk, to help, and Reid has tried to do just that -and yet somehow things seem to be escalating at a frightening rate.
Now everything is suddenly falling apart. Now Morgan is looking at him like he doesn't even recognize him.
"Are you saying you want him to hurt you?" Morgan asks incredulously, like he is hoping he´s heard it wrong the first time around, "Are you kidding me?"
His eyes flash with so much barely contained anger and hurt that Reid immediately knows he shouldn´t have said anything. Of course he was bound to take that the wrong way, make it sound awful.
So stupid. What was he thinking even opening his mouth?
Morgan will never understand what he is trying to say, not even if he tried. All he might accomplish here is to maybe make him hate both him and Aaron equally for living his nightmare peacefully.
He is seriously beginning to wonder if there even was any helping this to begin with, if he should have tried in the first place. Because so far he has only succeeded in hurting all of them even more.
*Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came*
When he doesn't answer the question immediately, Morgan's grip grows even tighter, tension palpable in the room.
"No, I mean…" Reid backpedals hastily, trying not to wince at the pain shooting through his hands, "That's not what I meant, I - I…I knew you wouldn't understand, not with everything that´s happened to you-"
It´s meant to alleviate some of the tension between them, to get Morgan to back off but it is obviously the wrong thing to say, the mention of Buford and the past causing Morgan's face to shadow up even worse.
"Don't make this about me, Reid!" the older agent cuts him off angrily, "Of course I don't understand. I realize that there are people like Buford out there still who prey on the weak, but what I don't understand is why you would still try to cover for Hotch, protect him even now! And with a lie like that of all things!"
Morgan shakes his head harshly, somewhere between disappointed and appalled. He looks like he wants to jump to his feet and shout and Reid is internally surprised he hasn't yet, considering what they are arguing about.
He swallows hard, wringing his hands nervously as much as he can. Just a moment ago, he was sure that Morgan is this angry because of the content of his confession, but clearly deep down Morgan simply hasn't accepted the information that Reid is an active and willing participant in his relationship, and is now simply mad at him for lying.
His suspicions are proven when Morgan takes a deep breath, visibly forcing himself to stay calm as he fixates Reid intently, fingers flexing around his wrist agitatedly, "Just cut the crap, Reid. Stop lying to me. I know you are! Why can't you just admit you need help to get out -I´ve been through this, I can help you."
*Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence*
His friend looks so hopeful that Reid almost catches himself chickening out and just conceding to what he wants to hear simply to get out of the situation.
But even now that Morgan is so clearly stricken and barely in control of his emotions, even with how he´s treated him tonight and how he´s severed the trust Reid has learned to put in him ever so slowly over the years, knowing that if he keeps trying to convince Morgan he might just snap -even knowing all that, Reid is still not willing to lie.
As uncomfortable as it is: He can't just run now. Someone will have to fix this eventually and he has a feeling it will have to be him anyway. He doesn't know how to though, without either giving up on telling he truth or giving up on hoping for Morgan's understanding.
He blinks his burning eyes, exasperated, "Morgan, I wasn't trying to hide anything-"
"But you did!" Morgan snaps agitatedly, interrupting him once again, "You kept it all a secret! You hid the marks! Why would you do that, why, if not because he forced you to?"
*Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you*
Reid stares at him wordlessly for a long time, pained by the words as much as by the desperate expression on Morgan's face.
He knows he has made mistakes in handling this, just as he knows that if he wants to get somewhere he can't gets just as upset as Morgan already is, even if what he is accusing Aaron of again makes his blood boil. There is no use in the two of them yelling at each other all night. He runs an unsteady hand through his hair, more shaken by this exchange that he would like to admit; by now he feels like screaming at Morgan but knows he shouldn't.
"There were regulations," he tries to explain it logically, "and I was scared-"
"Of him!"
"NO!" as much as he tries to, he suddenly can't keep his calm any longer, not when his loved one is attacked like this.
He jumps up, catching Morgan by surprise as he yanks his arms free, forgetting himself in his anger for just a second too long as he yells, "No! Stop saying that already! I'm more scared of you right now than I will ever be of Aaron, alright?"
Reid knows it was a mistake to say that the second it slips from his mouth, half regrets it already when he sees Morgan's eyes widen -but he can't find it in him to take it back because it also happens to be true.
Instead he spins around, crossing the room with large steps as he follows the growing instinct to get away from Morgan and his vile thoughts and accusations. His hand is already on the door knob when his other arm is grabbed and Morgan yanks him around to face him, a storm brewing in his eyes.
Reid doesn't even flinch anymore, used to the ill feeling in his stomach right now and not at all surprised that Morgan still won´t let him go. Instead he glares up at him viciously, hoping that Morgan gets a good look at all the pain and misery he's causing him through this.
"If you must know, Morgan, I was scared. Scared of everybody's reaction to finding out about my sexuality, scared of losing my job, my friends." he snaps, unable to hide his agitation now, "And I was right! Look at you! You can't even accept the thought of me being with a man, much less believe me when I tell you I'm happy. I was right not to tell you!"
Reid takes a shaky breath after that. He knows he has a right to be mad with everything that's happened, but even now that he yells at Morgan it doesn't help much. Even as he tries to focus on his anger, he can't help but feel the nagging insecurities and self doubts settling as a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach, the thought of being left by the people he cares about leaving him feeling sick all over again.
He´s pretty sure the others would be fine with it if they knew, but whether he likes it or not, Morgan is like an older brother to him. His opinion has always mattered most, his affection has mattered most.
And now he´s looking at him in a way that almost breaks his heart on the spot. Suddenly he feels like running and crying more than ever, tries to make Morgan let go again almost frantically just to get away from him.
But of course Morgan doesn't let go, he just stares down at him with that strange and hard expression on his face that makes Reid feel like all that they had is slipping though his fingers in those very seconds. He's definitely losing something here, he's just not sure yet what it is…
It seems like the anger and indignation in those dark, familiar eyes are slowly freezing over with realization, leaving them dead and devoid of any sort of warmth.
"You really mean that, don't you?" Morgan finally says tonelessly, inching closer until Reid finds himself with his back to the door, "You really believe I'm the bad guy here."
Reid opens his mouth to protest but Morgan won´t let him get a word in, face crunched up in hurt and anger, voice growing louder, "You really don't want to get away from him, do you? I- fuck, I don´t believe this! All this time, I've been worried sick about you and you…you're not scared of him, you get off on him hurting you! God, how sick is that, wanting someone to treat you like that? What is wrong with you!"
A look of revulsion covers his features and Reid can't help but flinch in shock at the words spit in his face, shocking him into silence.
For a whole ten seconds he just stands there frozen staring at Morgan, unwilling to believe the words he just said. He tries not to let them hurt him, not to resent Morgan for saying them, but it´s getting harder by the second.
Never ever would he have expected them to end up like this, with this void between them, growing with every hurtful thing they throw at into each other's faces. It's like an invisible barrier has been breached, the last one still intact with Morgan calling him sick.
Suddenly the need to help a friend is entirely fogged by the desire to turn away and never have to look into the other man face again.
He can't take it anymore, he just needs to get out.
Tears clouding his vision he makes to turn away and finally get out of here, but Morgan drags him back with a grip as hard as his stare.
"Get your hands off me, Morgan!" he finds himself hissing before he can stop himself, voice cracking already as he claws at Morgan's fingers, "You don´t understand, you obviously can't stand to look at me anymore, fine, so I'll do you the favor and get out of your life! Let go of me!"
"No!" Morgan shakes his head harshly, jaw set tightly as he ignores his distress, "Not until you've told me why!"
He doesn't want to answer, doesn't even want to grace Morgan with a reply anymore the way he's acting, but by now he too is so furious that he can't help but yell back.
"It's not about pain, Morgan, it's about love!"
Reid gasps when instead of a reply he suddenly finds himself shoved back hard, his back colliding with the door painfully. Morgan's eyes are blazing, way too close as he hovers over him, cornering him in his rage. He can smell the alcohol on his breath. Can practically taste the aggression born out of desperation.
"Are you listening to yourself, Reid? That's not love! It´s si-"
"Now where do you get off telling me what love is!" Reid cuts him off, his stomach turning at the prospect of hearing the word sick again. His fury and pain are slowly mixing with apprehension at the way Morgan is becoming more and more physically aggressive, but he still can't make himself stop from getting into Morgan's face, venting his own aggression, "Like you've got a perfect record!"
He realizes it wasn't a good idea to say that when Morgan grabs both of his arms, shoving him back again. It hurts worse this time, knocking the air out of him and sending a jolt of fear through him but Morgan keeps him pinned without blinking, too caught up in his emotions to care.
"You're right, I don't!" he growls from behind gritted teeth, sudden, unexpected emotion mixing with the rage in his dark eyes, "And do you wanna know why?"
Reid fully expects another flood of accusations, but instead Morgan takes a deep breath, and his eyes clear up slightly, gaining in depth again, leaving Reid dazed and confused. He really wasn't expecting this turn of action, doesn't really expect an honest answer at this point. Not after Morgan refused to talk about himself for so long.
But Morgan answers anyway, "Because I'm too scared to go near someone, out of fear to get hurt again, or to hurt them like I was hurt!"
Pain flashes across his features as he says this, the sudden change enough to distract Reid from fighting him effectively. Something has changed again, and Reid gets the feeling they are not really talking about him anymore here.
"Do you know how it feels to find yourself turning into what you despise most, to feel and desire things that you know are wrong, that would cause nothing but more pain and misery if you acted upon them?"
*As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice*
Reid feels himself staring at the other, at a loss of words, unable to do anything about it. Morgan's words have effectively made his anger evaporate, replacing it with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as realization dawns on him.
He bites his lip, suddenly feeling dizzy. Far too young, too vulnerable.
Morgan isn't that much older than him, except his eyes are somehow, old and brittle under all that hard concrete built around them. Right now they look so old that he thinks Morgan might crumble right in front of him.
The sudden silence between them stand in stark contrast to all the noise they made just a minute ago, and when Reid finds his voice again, small and unsure, it still sounds too loud as it crosses they distance between them.
"What are you talking about, Morgan?"
He doesn't get a verbal answer, doesn't need one anyway, because it's all there, plain in Morgan's face. The fear, the guilt, the shame.
Reid feels his heart dropping into his stomach as realization fully hits him, and he would have slapped a hand over his mouth if it weren't for Morgan's vice-like grip on his arms.
He feels tears well up in the corners of his eyes again, but this time they're not just for him, they're for the boy he can see inside his colleague, buried deeply and holding him together by his scars. Only now does he realize how tragic Derek Morgan's life really is, how deep his pain and anger really go.
"Oh…" he doesn't think he can speak and Morgan doesn't look like he wants him too anyways.
His eyes are wet as well, his broad frame shaking as he holds on to Reid. Again, it makes him want to fix what can't be fixed, makes him forget all the built up anger that's still present throughout all of this,
"But… Morgan, that doesn't make you like him, you're a good man-"
Morgan shakes his head harshly, interrupting him. He looks close to breaking down now, though no less upset, reminding Reid that they are technically still fighting, that Morgan is mad at him and that that isn't a good combination at all.
He just can't really focus on his anger with the horrid images flashing through his mind right now. Morgan can though, apparently.
"And if I'm so good," he all but mocks Reid´s feeble attempt at helping, "why did you not choose me?"
His face crunches up in hurt, cheeks wet, seemingly unaware of Reid´s shocked intake of breath as he keeps talking, "I could have made you happy, I would have treated you well- All these years I've been telling myself that you are so innocent, so fragile, that you couldn't handle it, that I had to bury what I felt. I have been lying awake at night, hating myself…all for nothing."
He laughs mirthlessly, fingers flexing around Reid´s arms and the younger man barely has time to register what he´s saying, what it reveals - one second he is staring up at him with disbelieving eyes, the next Morgan's head is swooping down and he is crushing their lips together, hard and desperate.
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Sorry for the cliffie, like i said, i dont have much time right now.
the song is by The Fray "how to save a life"
Please dont forget to take the poll and review !