(no subject)
Title: Profiler, Profiled: The Aftermath
Part 5
(Prior parts at my journal)
Summary: After Chicago, Morgan is struggling and Reid tries to help. Morgan has to deal with his secret love for Reid and fearing that Reid´s relationship to Hotch may be too similar to his with Carl Buford.
A/N: This is Morgan/Reid as well as Hotch/Reid. I hope that´s ok. If not feel free to take the story off.
Warning: references to abuse, non-explicit
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Morgan´s POV
Reid looks tired and distressed, nervously picking at the napkin in his hands as he looks around the diner.
Morgan isn't sure why, if it is their fight which has his best friend so uncomfortable, or the Buford case in general, or the thing with Hotch. Whatever the thing with Hotch is.
They've been sitting here for almost ten minutes and he has yet to find a way to voice his concern -mostly because he isn't too sure whether he should be asking at all.
And so what if it strikes him as odd, as questionable to have his boss pick up his friend´s house phone in the middle of the night?
There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Reid is not only to keep secrets from him- so he might very well be distressed by all those other things.
Because honestly, all those things are unsettling to Morgan as well, taking away from his sleep in equal portions.
He doesn't want to talk about Buford, still not, never really -but he does want his best friend back, and he wants to stop feeling like he´s responsible for the miserable look on his pretty face - so for now he decides that an apology would be a good start.
"Reid.", he reaches across the table, barely stopping himself from putting his hand over Reid's.
He really wants to but it suddenly seems to intimate for some reason. So instead he rests it on the young man's forearm, gently demanding his attention.
Reid turns to look at him and Morgan can't help but notice the flicker of uncertainty, of tenseness on his face before it changes back to neutrally attentive.
Morgan would like to think it's only because of their fight and because Reid is afraid to have some more hurtful things thrown at him, but he still isn't sure if there's not more. If there isn't something Hotch and Reid are keeping from him.
He just can't figure out what would be so bad that the rest of the team can't know.
Hotch was so irritatingly vague on the phone that night, merely telling him Reid had needed someone to talk to.
Tsk. Talk about what? Could it be something with Reid's mother? Could he be using again?
Suddenly just as worried as guilty for not being there for him, Morgan wants to ask desperately. He bites the questions burning on his tongue back though; he has to do this right.
Maybe if they skim over his issues real quick, Reid will want to talk about his.
"Reid, I'm really sorry for how I treated you these past days, man.", he says, dark eyes holding hazel ones earnestly: "I know you were only trying to help…and I had no right to cut into you like that. I guess I just didn't know how to handle…everything…"
His honest admission must sound pathetic to Reid because almost immediately there is a slender hand covering his, squeezing slightly in encouragement.
He looks up to find Reid's expression one of relief. There is no trace of resentment, just a hint of pity maybe.
"Thank you, Morgan.", he smiles: "And I completely understand….with everything you're going through. I just really want you to know that I'm here for you. You can always call me, or come over to my apartment if you need to talk…I mean not just about that…anything really…and…"
Morgan´s crooked smile thankfully stops his rambling and he smiles back, looking slightly embarrassed. The tension between them seems lifted for now and immediately it is easier to breathe.
"Thanks, kid. I might."; he says vaguely, then decides he can't wait any longer and starts tackling his real subject of interest: "I don't want to take away from your sleep; you already look like you haven't slept in days."
Thankfully, Reid doesn't seem to catch on to his less than skillful ruse, merely smiling tiredly as he rests his chin on his hand.
"Yeah, it's been getting to me…the case, and us not speaking. I was really worried about you."
Morgan feels the first stabs of guilt at those words but is decided to not let himself be distracted. If Reid really has trouble he can make up for his shitty behavior by helping him out of it, right?
"Sorry."; he says again: "I didn't mean for it to affect you this way."
"It's alright.", Reid smiles, waving it off as usual. Morgan watches as his bony hand brushes a lock of hair behind his ear, wondering idly how Reid can be so thin and yet so handsome, so awkward and yet so graceful.
He blinks, quickly clearing his head before he can get sidetracked:
"It's clearly not if Hotch felt the need to check up on you and help you deal till that late at night."
And just like that the trap has snapped shut.
Reid looks up, his eyes widening in surprise as he realizes the sudden change of topic. He bites his lip, fiddling with his hair again.
Morgan almost feels bad for putting him on the spot like this, he doesn't want to bring this up so shortly after they've made up, doesn't want to ruin the moment, but fact is they only have so much lunchtime and he really needs to know. If only to be reassured and put it to rest.
"You know how Hotch is, he worries too much sometimes.", the younger tries to shrug it off, with minor success.
"Well, he hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet.", Morgan argues lightly but nonetheless not backing off.
It´s supposed to come over like a joke, not an accusation but merely an argument -but Reid is quick to defend him anyways: "He is really worried though. He said he tried talking to you."
Morgan nods, not particularly interested in speaking to Hotch again. He knows the man has talked to him. What he wants to now is why he talked to Reid.
But Reid is either completely oblivious to what is going on here or just very good at dodging silent questions.
Maybe he has to be a little more direct, Morgan concludes:
"Has he done that before? Come over to your place and spent the…evening? I didn't realize you were that close."
The whole conversation sounds uncomfortably like an interrogation suddenly and Reid shifts uneasily, looking anywhere but at Morgan again. It takes him a long moment to answer and vent hen he looks like he´s holding something back.
"He did… when I was struggling with the Dilaudid. He's been a real support."
Reid is picking at his shirt sleeve now, clearly not comfortable with the subject.
It´s understandable of course and his explanation sounds plausible, but something about it still rubs Morgan the wrong way. He can't seem to find a way to voice his concerns though, especially since Reid is still not looking at him.
"Reid…are you…", he hesitates before asking, lowing his voice so no one will overhear: "Are you using now?"
The young man head snaps up and he looks truly mortified at the accusation: "No! God, no, Morgan…"
"Sorry.", Morgan is quick to apologize: "I´m just worried…is there anything I should know about? Anything…anyone giving you trouble?"
He makes sure to look straight into Reid´s eyes this time, to let him know that he´ll be there no matter what, that he can tell him and that he´ll protect him. He´s sure Reid knows that Morgan cares about him, he's just not sure if he knows how much.
Reid holds his gaze for a moment, his expression unreadable.
"No.", he finally says: "No one is giving me trouble."
Realizing that this is it, that Reid won't tell him anymore, Morgan just smiles and nods, pretending not to notice the slight twitching of his fingers when he asked the question -or his avoidance of the first question all together.
They change the subject and finish their lunch peacefully before returning to the office.
When they sit back down behind their desks, Reid smiles at him just as brightly as he usually does and Morgan is almost tempted to accept that everything is alright. That Reid was just a little unhinged because of Morgan's trouble and that now that they've made up everything will be alright again.
It lasts for about an hour -which is when Hotch calls Reid into his office.
The shades are drawn but the door is slightly ajar and Morgan just happens to be walking past it when he catches their lowered voices.
"Did you tell him?" Hotch.
"No.", Reid answers quieted, sounding oddly distressed.
Morgan stops in his tracks when he catches a look at them. They are standing, facing each other in front of the desk and Reid is looking down with his arms crossed in front of him defensively, seemingly conflicted.
Both of their tone and demeanor makes it clear that they are not talking about anything trivial.
So there is more to this whole thing!
Morgan is about to just barge into the office and demand answers when Hotch suddenly takes a step closer into Reid's personal space and reaches out with on hand, tilting the young man´s chin up.
Morgan freezes, watching silently while Reid doesn't move or even look surprised by the motion. He looks up at Hotch, face anything but happy.
Hotch, whose expression Morgan can't see from where he´s standing, appears to be brushing a thumb over Reid's cheek. The whole visual is so unexpected and unusual that Morgan has to pinch himself to believe it's really happening.
"You did the right thing, Spencer. ", Hotch says, before letting go and turning away.
Morgan is quick to duck out of his line of sight and hurry along, suddenly only too eager to get away. He spends the next ten minutes hiding out in the break room, merely staring at his cup of coffee with unblinking eyes.
It feels like his brain is blocked, preventing him from doing much of anything for the longest time.
He just can't get the image of Hotch and Reid out of his mind, of the way Hotch was standing so unusually close to Reid, of the completely inappropriate way he touched him that looked much too familiar, all the while calling him Spencer.
Morgan feels the ill feeling in his stomach rise with every minute as realization sinks in, as he begins to grasp what he doesn't want to believe in a million years.
But it makes oh-so-much sense. The reason why Hotch was at Reid´s, his friend´s guilty look when he asked if there was something he needed to know, his devastation about Morgan's abuse.
There is something going on between them.
He doesn't want to believe it, to think of Hotch as anything but a father and family man -to think of Reid in any sort of physical relationship with him.
It's not even jealousy he feels, because it is immediately obvious to him that if he is right Reid definitely doesn't want to have part in it. No, if he is right -then Hotch is taking advantage of him in the worst possible sense.
Reid isn't coping not because he pities Morgan but because he is in the same situation.
The ill feeling in his stomach intensifies, making him feel sick.
The more he thinks about it the less he can believe that he didn't see it earlier; he doesn't know how he could possibly not have noticed.
It's all there in plain sight if one bothers to look and has an eye for it.
And Morgan has an eye for it. Ever since Carl Buford.
They're burned into his memory, all the little things. The looks, the seemingly casual touches, the private conversations behind a closed office door, unnecessary offers to get a ride home.
Maybe he hasn't noticed before because his brain just didn't let it happen.
Reid is like a little brother to him and he can't even begin to imagine him in that sort of predicament.
Hotch is his boss, one of the few people he would trust with his life. He can't imagine him being anything like Carl.
But it is the perfect combination of factors, Hotch being so much older than Reid, with so much control and power over his subordinate, and Reid with his low self-esteem and his abandonment issues.
He covers it well, so well that Morgan can't even begin to fathom when it started -but he has seen the expression on Reid's face just now in Hotch´s office, he´s heard their conversation and it tells him everything he needs to know.
The only thing he doesn't know is why Reid wouldn't tell him.
Could Hotch be blackmailing him, threatening him even maybe?
He immediately feels white hot anger boiling up inside of him, making him forget for a moment that Hotch is his friend, that he doesn't really want to believe this about him. He recalls Hotch´s worried expression on the flight home and feels sick imagining it might have been fake.
In the end, he decides he needs facts, he needs confirmation before he storms into his superiors office and does something stupid.
So when he sees Reid walk past the break room a while later, headed for the copy room he doesn't hesitate any longer. He swiftly gets up, mindful not to look in the direction of Hotch´s office so he won't change his mind and be forced to spend the night in a cell.
Nothing's been proven yet, and he prays that he´s read the signs wrong, that there is some kind of explanation that will permit him not to have to kill his boss.
He enters the copy room quietly, closing the door behind him, not intent on someone overhearing what he is about to say.
Reid doesn't notice him at first and Morgan spends a painful ten seconds just staring at his delicate features, his lithe frame, the way his long hair falls into his eyes as he bends over the copy machine.
It's so easy for him to see past Reid´s geeky clothes and awkward gestures and rambling, to see how beautiful and desirable he is beneath all that, with eyes like Bambi and lips that just beg to be claimed.
But until today he has never worried that some other man might see the same. He thought that if he could restrain himself Reid would be safe.
He has never cursed his ignorance more than in that moment.
The words spill out of his mouth before he can stop himself, panic pushing them past his tongue: "Is there something going on between you and Hotch?"
His heart falls when Reid's back goes completely rigid at the sound of his voice, letting Morgan know he isn´t the only one holding his breath.
Part 5
(Prior parts at my journal)
Summary: After Chicago, Morgan is struggling and Reid tries to help. Morgan has to deal with his secret love for Reid and fearing that Reid´s relationship to Hotch may be too similar to his with Carl Buford.
A/N: This is Morgan/Reid as well as Hotch/Reid. I hope that´s ok. If not feel free to take the story off.
Warning: references to abuse, non-explicit
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Morgan´s POV
Reid looks tired and distressed, nervously picking at the napkin in his hands as he looks around the diner.
Morgan isn't sure why, if it is their fight which has his best friend so uncomfortable, or the Buford case in general, or the thing with Hotch. Whatever the thing with Hotch is.
They've been sitting here for almost ten minutes and he has yet to find a way to voice his concern -mostly because he isn't too sure whether he should be asking at all.
And so what if it strikes him as odd, as questionable to have his boss pick up his friend´s house phone in the middle of the night?
There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Reid is not only to keep secrets from him- so he might very well be distressed by all those other things.
Because honestly, all those things are unsettling to Morgan as well, taking away from his sleep in equal portions.
He doesn't want to talk about Buford, still not, never really -but he does want his best friend back, and he wants to stop feeling like he´s responsible for the miserable look on his pretty face - so for now he decides that an apology would be a good start.
"Reid.", he reaches across the table, barely stopping himself from putting his hand over Reid's.
He really wants to but it suddenly seems to intimate for some reason. So instead he rests it on the young man's forearm, gently demanding his attention.
Reid turns to look at him and Morgan can't help but notice the flicker of uncertainty, of tenseness on his face before it changes back to neutrally attentive.
Morgan would like to think it's only because of their fight and because Reid is afraid to have some more hurtful things thrown at him, but he still isn't sure if there's not more. If there isn't something Hotch and Reid are keeping from him.
He just can't figure out what would be so bad that the rest of the team can't know.
Hotch was so irritatingly vague on the phone that night, merely telling him Reid had needed someone to talk to.
Tsk. Talk about what? Could it be something with Reid's mother? Could he be using again?
Suddenly just as worried as guilty for not being there for him, Morgan wants to ask desperately. He bites the questions burning on his tongue back though; he has to do this right.
Maybe if they skim over his issues real quick, Reid will want to talk about his.
"Reid, I'm really sorry for how I treated you these past days, man.", he says, dark eyes holding hazel ones earnestly: "I know you were only trying to help…and I had no right to cut into you like that. I guess I just didn't know how to handle…everything…"
His honest admission must sound pathetic to Reid because almost immediately there is a slender hand covering his, squeezing slightly in encouragement.
He looks up to find Reid's expression one of relief. There is no trace of resentment, just a hint of pity maybe.
"Thank you, Morgan.", he smiles: "And I completely understand….with everything you're going through. I just really want you to know that I'm here for you. You can always call me, or come over to my apartment if you need to talk…I mean not just about that…anything really…and…"
Morgan´s crooked smile thankfully stops his rambling and he smiles back, looking slightly embarrassed. The tension between them seems lifted for now and immediately it is easier to breathe.
"Thanks, kid. I might."; he says vaguely, then decides he can't wait any longer and starts tackling his real subject of interest: "I don't want to take away from your sleep; you already look like you haven't slept in days."
Thankfully, Reid doesn't seem to catch on to his less than skillful ruse, merely smiling tiredly as he rests his chin on his hand.
"Yeah, it's been getting to me…the case, and us not speaking. I was really worried about you."
Morgan feels the first stabs of guilt at those words but is decided to not let himself be distracted. If Reid really has trouble he can make up for his shitty behavior by helping him out of it, right?
"Sorry."; he says again: "I didn't mean for it to affect you this way."
"It's alright.", Reid smiles, waving it off as usual. Morgan watches as his bony hand brushes a lock of hair behind his ear, wondering idly how Reid can be so thin and yet so handsome, so awkward and yet so graceful.
He blinks, quickly clearing his head before he can get sidetracked:
"It's clearly not if Hotch felt the need to check up on you and help you deal till that late at night."
And just like that the trap has snapped shut.
Reid looks up, his eyes widening in surprise as he realizes the sudden change of topic. He bites his lip, fiddling with his hair again.
Morgan almost feels bad for putting him on the spot like this, he doesn't want to bring this up so shortly after they've made up, doesn't want to ruin the moment, but fact is they only have so much lunchtime and he really needs to know. If only to be reassured and put it to rest.
"You know how Hotch is, he worries too much sometimes.", the younger tries to shrug it off, with minor success.
"Well, he hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet.", Morgan argues lightly but nonetheless not backing off.
It´s supposed to come over like a joke, not an accusation but merely an argument -but Reid is quick to defend him anyways: "He is really worried though. He said he tried talking to you."
Morgan nods, not particularly interested in speaking to Hotch again. He knows the man has talked to him. What he wants to now is why he talked to Reid.
But Reid is either completely oblivious to what is going on here or just very good at dodging silent questions.
Maybe he has to be a little more direct, Morgan concludes:
"Has he done that before? Come over to your place and spent the…evening? I didn't realize you were that close."
The whole conversation sounds uncomfortably like an interrogation suddenly and Reid shifts uneasily, looking anywhere but at Morgan again. It takes him a long moment to answer and vent hen he looks like he´s holding something back.
"He did… when I was struggling with the Dilaudid. He's been a real support."
Reid is picking at his shirt sleeve now, clearly not comfortable with the subject.
It´s understandable of course and his explanation sounds plausible, but something about it still rubs Morgan the wrong way. He can't seem to find a way to voice his concerns though, especially since Reid is still not looking at him.
"Reid…are you…", he hesitates before asking, lowing his voice so no one will overhear: "Are you using now?"
The young man head snaps up and he looks truly mortified at the accusation: "No! God, no, Morgan…"
"Sorry.", Morgan is quick to apologize: "I´m just worried…is there anything I should know about? Anything…anyone giving you trouble?"
He makes sure to look straight into Reid´s eyes this time, to let him know that he´ll be there no matter what, that he can tell him and that he´ll protect him. He´s sure Reid knows that Morgan cares about him, he's just not sure if he knows how much.
Reid holds his gaze for a moment, his expression unreadable.
"No.", he finally says: "No one is giving me trouble."
Realizing that this is it, that Reid won't tell him anymore, Morgan just smiles and nods, pretending not to notice the slight twitching of his fingers when he asked the question -or his avoidance of the first question all together.
They change the subject and finish their lunch peacefully before returning to the office.
When they sit back down behind their desks, Reid smiles at him just as brightly as he usually does and Morgan is almost tempted to accept that everything is alright. That Reid was just a little unhinged because of Morgan's trouble and that now that they've made up everything will be alright again.
It lasts for about an hour -which is when Hotch calls Reid into his office.
The shades are drawn but the door is slightly ajar and Morgan just happens to be walking past it when he catches their lowered voices.
"Did you tell him?" Hotch.
"No.", Reid answers quieted, sounding oddly distressed.
Morgan stops in his tracks when he catches a look at them. They are standing, facing each other in front of the desk and Reid is looking down with his arms crossed in front of him defensively, seemingly conflicted.
Both of their tone and demeanor makes it clear that they are not talking about anything trivial.
So there is more to this whole thing!
Morgan is about to just barge into the office and demand answers when Hotch suddenly takes a step closer into Reid's personal space and reaches out with on hand, tilting the young man´s chin up.
Morgan freezes, watching silently while Reid doesn't move or even look surprised by the motion. He looks up at Hotch, face anything but happy.
Hotch, whose expression Morgan can't see from where he´s standing, appears to be brushing a thumb over Reid's cheek. The whole visual is so unexpected and unusual that Morgan has to pinch himself to believe it's really happening.
"You did the right thing, Spencer. ", Hotch says, before letting go and turning away.
Morgan is quick to duck out of his line of sight and hurry along, suddenly only too eager to get away. He spends the next ten minutes hiding out in the break room, merely staring at his cup of coffee with unblinking eyes.
It feels like his brain is blocked, preventing him from doing much of anything for the longest time.
He just can't get the image of Hotch and Reid out of his mind, of the way Hotch was standing so unusually close to Reid, of the completely inappropriate way he touched him that looked much too familiar, all the while calling him Spencer.
Morgan feels the ill feeling in his stomach rise with every minute as realization sinks in, as he begins to grasp what he doesn't want to believe in a million years.
But it makes oh-so-much sense. The reason why Hotch was at Reid´s, his friend´s guilty look when he asked if there was something he needed to know, his devastation about Morgan's abuse.
There is something going on between them.
He doesn't want to believe it, to think of Hotch as anything but a father and family man -to think of Reid in any sort of physical relationship with him.
It's not even jealousy he feels, because it is immediately obvious to him that if he is right Reid definitely doesn't want to have part in it. No, if he is right -then Hotch is taking advantage of him in the worst possible sense.
Reid isn't coping not because he pities Morgan but because he is in the same situation.
The ill feeling in his stomach intensifies, making him feel sick.
The more he thinks about it the less he can believe that he didn't see it earlier; he doesn't know how he could possibly not have noticed.
It's all there in plain sight if one bothers to look and has an eye for it.
And Morgan has an eye for it. Ever since Carl Buford.
They're burned into his memory, all the little things. The looks, the seemingly casual touches, the private conversations behind a closed office door, unnecessary offers to get a ride home.
Maybe he hasn't noticed before because his brain just didn't let it happen.
Reid is like a little brother to him and he can't even begin to imagine him in that sort of predicament.
Hotch is his boss, one of the few people he would trust with his life. He can't imagine him being anything like Carl.
But it is the perfect combination of factors, Hotch being so much older than Reid, with so much control and power over his subordinate, and Reid with his low self-esteem and his abandonment issues.
He covers it well, so well that Morgan can't even begin to fathom when it started -but he has seen the expression on Reid's face just now in Hotch´s office, he´s heard their conversation and it tells him everything he needs to know.
The only thing he doesn't know is why Reid wouldn't tell him.
Could Hotch be blackmailing him, threatening him even maybe?
He immediately feels white hot anger boiling up inside of him, making him forget for a moment that Hotch is his friend, that he doesn't really want to believe this about him. He recalls Hotch´s worried expression on the flight home and feels sick imagining it might have been fake.
In the end, he decides he needs facts, he needs confirmation before he storms into his superiors office and does something stupid.
So when he sees Reid walk past the break room a while later, headed for the copy room he doesn't hesitate any longer. He swiftly gets up, mindful not to look in the direction of Hotch´s office so he won't change his mind and be forced to spend the night in a cell.
Nothing's been proven yet, and he prays that he´s read the signs wrong, that there is some kind of explanation that will permit him not to have to kill his boss.
He enters the copy room quietly, closing the door behind him, not intent on someone overhearing what he is about to say.
Reid doesn't notice him at first and Morgan spends a painful ten seconds just staring at his delicate features, his lithe frame, the way his long hair falls into his eyes as he bends over the copy machine.
It's so easy for him to see past Reid´s geeky clothes and awkward gestures and rambling, to see how beautiful and desirable he is beneath all that, with eyes like Bambi and lips that just beg to be claimed.
But until today he has never worried that some other man might see the same. He thought that if he could restrain himself Reid would be safe.
He has never cursed his ignorance more than in that moment.
The words spill out of his mouth before he can stop himself, panic pushing them past his tongue: "Is there something going on between you and Hotch?"
His heart falls when Reid's back goes completely rigid at the sound of his voice, letting Morgan know he isn´t the only one holding his breath.