Seriously? My cynicism makes itself known.
Following two emotional outbursts in the past couple of weeks that have managed to stir shit, it has come to my attention that I quite possibly have ~issues.
Yeah, I know, whoop de fucking doo, right? Everyone has issues. But mine seem to be rearing their head more often lately and interfering with my logic. I wrote a rant last night that I'm going to intersperse with this entry for purposes of comparison. It doesn't even SOUND like me. It doesn't sound intelligent - just angry.
When I was growing up, I had best friends. I mean, BEST friends. Not just people to go to the movies with, but people whose houses I could crash without telling them beforehand; people who became synonymous with plans. Because I was never very social, and it's nice to have things to do without needing to go to a party or be popular.
Fuck babies. Fuck weddings. I HATE WEDDINGS. So much formality. So much arbitrary pomp. For what? For memories? Memories are not made of false things. Spontenaeity rules remembrance - not crusty premade plans.
Except my friends always ended up in relationships, and I was always ditched. I was replaced. Which wouldn't bother me much, necessarily, except that these were UNHEALTHY relationships. Sometimes abusive, other times codependent, but always unhealthy.
When I tried to talk to them about it or tell other people about my frustrations, I would be accused - by many people, not the least of which were my own parents - of being bitter and single and completely out of the loop when it came to relationships. That I didn't understand, because I had never had a boyfriend, or whatever. That I was being unfair.
Oh, people who fall in love. Good for them. May they enjoy it for the two years it lasts. Really.
Sooo, I went away to college, and I decided to try this relationship thing out for myself. Maybe I had been wrong - maybe I was just single and bitter - maybe my friends were just making bad choices. So I plunged myself into a relationship. I liked the guy. He was cool. I was actually excited, at first.
But, holy shit, talk about a suckfest. The mind games were ridiculous. After a while I just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't take the obligations or the bullshit or the fact that he somehow wanted to be around me all the time. And he wasn't a bad guy - it was just a bad experience.
False formality... fucking babies. Stupid societal rules. Delays on adoration. Nothing is reined in for reality - it's just regulated due to ignorance and lies.
And I couldn't help thinking - THIS is it? THIS is what I was ditched for all those years? THIS is what people want to do with their lives? THIS?
Marriage is inherently a compromise. Marriage IS the status quo. Marriage happens so that neighbors will not whisper behind your back. Marriage happens so that babies can be born without guilt. Marriage happens to please parents. Marriage happens to allow, of all things, hospital visits. Legalities? Fine. Why not marry your friend? Oh wait... that's what people DO. True love my ass.
The amusing thing is that, without exception, after approximately a year or two, my former best friends' relationships would end, and they would spend months lamenting about how silly they had been and how 'unhealthy' the whole thing actually was all along.
Pardon me while I have no sympathy whatsoever.
It's all just emotional bullshit wrapped up in a parcel with 'LOVE' printed in bubble letters on the side.
To add insult to injury, this summer I made plans with a friend to go a concert - three months in advance. I was excited. He was excited. Then I got ditched. Because his boyfriend of two weeks had invited him out to dinner. His boyfriend that, he admits, he doesn't even care about that much.
Again, not a bad guy, but. Seriously? Seriously?
I think this is now my default reaction towards 'relationships' in general - particularly false or unhealthy ones.
Just. SERIOUSLY?
I may have been fucked with one too many times. And I have no idea how to fix that.
Yeah, I know, whoop de fucking doo, right? Everyone has issues. But mine seem to be rearing their head more often lately and interfering with my logic. I wrote a rant last night that I'm going to intersperse with this entry for purposes of comparison. It doesn't even SOUND like me. It doesn't sound intelligent - just angry.
When I was growing up, I had best friends. I mean, BEST friends. Not just people to go to the movies with, but people whose houses I could crash without telling them beforehand; people who became synonymous with plans. Because I was never very social, and it's nice to have things to do without needing to go to a party or be popular.
Fuck babies. Fuck weddings. I HATE WEDDINGS. So much formality. So much arbitrary pomp. For what? For memories? Memories are not made of false things. Spontenaeity rules remembrance - not crusty premade plans.
Except my friends always ended up in relationships, and I was always ditched. I was replaced. Which wouldn't bother me much, necessarily, except that these were UNHEALTHY relationships. Sometimes abusive, other times codependent, but always unhealthy.
When I tried to talk to them about it or tell other people about my frustrations, I would be accused - by many people, not the least of which were my own parents - of being bitter and single and completely out of the loop when it came to relationships. That I didn't understand, because I had never had a boyfriend, or whatever. That I was being unfair.
Oh, people who fall in love. Good for them. May they enjoy it for the two years it lasts. Really.
Sooo, I went away to college, and I decided to try this relationship thing out for myself. Maybe I had been wrong - maybe I was just single and bitter - maybe my friends were just making bad choices. So I plunged myself into a relationship. I liked the guy. He was cool. I was actually excited, at first.
But, holy shit, talk about a suckfest. The mind games were ridiculous. After a while I just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't take the obligations or the bullshit or the fact that he somehow wanted to be around me all the time. And he wasn't a bad guy - it was just a bad experience.
False formality... fucking babies. Stupid societal rules. Delays on adoration. Nothing is reined in for reality - it's just regulated due to ignorance and lies.
And I couldn't help thinking - THIS is it? THIS is what I was ditched for all those years? THIS is what people want to do with their lives? THIS?
Marriage is inherently a compromise. Marriage IS the status quo. Marriage happens so that neighbors will not whisper behind your back. Marriage happens so that babies can be born without guilt. Marriage happens to please parents. Marriage happens to allow, of all things, hospital visits. Legalities? Fine. Why not marry your friend? Oh wait... that's what people DO. True love my ass.
The amusing thing is that, without exception, after approximately a year or two, my former best friends' relationships would end, and they would spend months lamenting about how silly they had been and how 'unhealthy' the whole thing actually was all along.
Pardon me while I have no sympathy whatsoever.
It's all just emotional bullshit wrapped up in a parcel with 'LOVE' printed in bubble letters on the side.
To add insult to injury, this summer I made plans with a friend to go a concert - three months in advance. I was excited. He was excited. Then I got ditched. Because his boyfriend of two weeks had invited him out to dinner. His boyfriend that, he admits, he doesn't even care about that much.
Again, not a bad guy, but. Seriously? Seriously?
I think this is now my default reaction towards 'relationships' in general - particularly false or unhealthy ones.
Just. SERIOUSLY?
I may have been fucked with one too many times. And I have no idea how to fix that.