if you read all this shit i commend you
i wish i could put into words the way i feel about drugs and the people who use them. you people need to get on with your life and find something that will make you happy without you having to do drugs. of course, yes, i have done drugs. i used to do alot of them. my life got pretty fucked up. i haven't forgotten the things that i've done because of drugs. that part of my life is behind me though. well, sort of. every person i really care about does drugs. and most of them lie about it, to some extent anyways. the worst is when people tell me pot isn't a drug and that's all they do when i know one, pot is a drug and two, they do alot more than smoke pot. no one i've ever cared about has been willing to stop doing drugs. actually, i take that back. when jordan and i were together he didn't do anything and he wasn't just lying to me saying he didn't do anything, he didn't do anything. the way i see it, if you are really happy where you are you don't need drugs. and there are plenty of people who aren't happy and still don't do drugs. drugs really fuck up people's lives. you aren't the same person when you're high. i don't care if you smoked some pot or snorted some coke, anything that alters your state of mind alters your personality. every night when i go to bed i pray that the people i love so much will realize just how much drugs affect their lives. when you get fucked up it's not just about you, you hurt other people too. alot more than you know or care to know, actually. just because you're a good person and wouldn't say--cheat on the person you love--doesn't mean you wouldn't when you were fucked up. everything i cared about was taken away from me because my parents couldn't help their drug problems. as much as joe has fucked with me, i wouldn't have been all right through that if it hadn't been for him. what did i do though when everything went to hell? i started doing drugs again. the things i did really make me sick sometimes. and i know the things that happened to me because i wasn't in any position to stop it from happening were really fucked up but, it was just as much my fault as it was anyone else's. it's crazy the things people when do when they're really fucked.i'm so blessed that God saw how much i needed him and was there for me. no matter what you're going through, without God you're not really getting what you need. i may be getting ready to leave for a long time and it is not me i'm worried about, it's him. i'm so scared that it makes me want to stay. i mean i really don't know that i'll be able to do it because well, i can't even put into words what it is i'm afraid of. people who have everything throw it all away, it happens daily. i've come in second so many times and i don't think i could take it again. like i said though, who am i to judge, i've done it, too. sometimes it's just too much for me to take in...i've made few promises to myself in my life but, i've kept most of them. i really meant it when i said i was done with drugs, i really meant it when i said i wouldn't marry someone who did drugs, i really meant it when i said i wouldn't have a family with someone who did, i really meant it when i said that i'd love myself for who i am because i do deserve to be loved, even if it is only by myself. sorry, i'm ranting and saying too much. i think i'll just go cry myself to sleep (that was very emo of me and i apologize)
s.p. i have jeff knight's english book....that is so fucked