(no subject)
I looked out my window, gazing at the dazzling stars filling up the midnight sky. The only light that led my way was the luminescent glow of the round moon. A stampede of a million thoughts traveled through my mind and I started to wonder if anything would ever happen. I pulled my knees up to my chest and embraced them with my arms, pulling them closer. I looked down at my Hello Kitty blanket, and ran my fingers over the pink, fuzzy stitching, almost as a comfort. I lifted my head, with my chocolate-brown, silky hair brushing over my cheeks, covering my eyes, I looked over at the computer, and sighed.
“Maybe today,” I said to myself, sighing slightly again afterward. I had to practically drag my body to the computer, pulling my feet across the sandpaper-like carpet. I set myself in the computer chair, cold against my hot skin. The goose-bumps rose on the surface of my arm, as I reached for the computer power button.
“Dink,” the computer monitor made a sound, it had to get used to being turned .. so many months. I watched the tiny pixels on the screen come together in unity; forming the picture of cute colorful hearts. I logged onto my old MSN messenger account, to find I had thirty-six new e-mails, and ten people instant messaged me right when I appeared online - all asking the same question:
“Casey! Where have you been?”
There was one name that caught my attention most, and I had the facial expression of a deer caught in the headlights. AJ. He as my long-time buddy, I had talked to him since I was about twelve, and it was strange and exciting, yet heart-stopping, seeing one of my old friends I hadn’t talked to in about three years. But because I was reunited with AJ once again, it sparked my memory of a certain boy I used to talk to. AJ‘s old good friend. My old boyfriend It hit my head like a bag of bricks. Andrew. He was my boyfriend back when we used to all talk, the three of us. It was like a chain reaction. AJ. Wow, long time no see! Andrew! Oh my goodness! I miss him.
“AJ! Hello! It’s been ages!” I said to him, quickly.
“I know. Ages How have you been? Actually, where have you been?”
“School, and a relationship got the best of me!”
“Oh, I know how that goes! But let me tell you what you’ve missed out on!”
The conversation lasted for a couple of hours, passing by in a flash. As if time and existence didn’t even matter anymore. A moment of silence occurred around 12:30 a.m., and I had fallen asleep at my desk.
I woke up a few hours later to find that the cold air had disappeared, and the hot, glowing sun, made the air warm and thick. My stomach grumbled, I swear there was a monster talking to me from the inside. But I didn’t even care, I ran back to the computer, to see if anyone was online. My heart jumped out of my chest. I heard the birds flapping their wings, roughly against the air. AJ was there, and I had sent him an instant message, but it took him a few minutes to reply. I waited impatiently, my leg moving up and down, my hands shaking, unsteadily like a violent earthquake. For some reason, my mind instinct had this feeling like, something amazing was going to happen. A few more minutes passed by, and the heat filled my room like smoke filling up a burning house. He replied and it was something that had fully caught my attention.
“Casey…You’ll never guess who I just started talking to,” he said to me, almost as if he wanted to keep it a mystery.
“Who?” I replied, quickly, hardly breathing, my hands trembling.
“Skydragon. Andrew! Remember Casey? Do yah?” he asked intensively.
“Oh my God. This is so weird. I was just thinking about him. This is unreal I just-Oh my God!” I said under my breath, chewing the bright pink bubble gum; so quick, it almost dissolved in my mouth. I said the words I had been waiting to say to AJ when he told me this news. “Give him my e-mail so he can talk to me!”
Instead, he added Andrew into the conversation. It was like a reunion. One of the best ones I’ve ever had. In fact, AJ was the only one doing all the talking between the three of us, because Andrew and I were talking between ourselves. There was this spark, like a match had been lit, savored, not meant to burn out. Protected from the rest of the world, enclosed, a flame, a spark that would never be blown out. This is how I felt. This is how I thought. This is why I knew, it was good. And it was true. I had this feeling that I was going to explode, and candy and confetti would pour out of me. I had a smile on my face - not fading, but only growing. I knew deep down, that this was going to change my life forever. One boy named Andrew, wasn’t going to change me-but allow me to be myself.
The music pounded in my eardrums, I heard the tune by one of my favorite bands, singing me the words that would stick with me, “For everyday, that you should be by my side, we’ll make it baby. Look at us now.” I had found him, at last. How I missed him and wished that fight would have never taken place when we were smaller, that made us split and go our separate ways. Two and a half years passed by.
“It’s so weird how it’s been that long since we’ve talked, Casandra,” he said, and how I loved the sweet ring in my ears of him calling me Casandra. Almost as sweet as candy laying upon my taste buds.
“Andrew, I know. I can’t believe it. But, I hope you know, I never forgot about you. I searched for you, too. But, I don’t know what happened. But, look at us! We’re talking right now. Almost three years later!” I kept going on and on. I’m sure he could tell I was as nervous as a squirrel.
The night went on, and we just talked, back and forth, exchanging thoughts, and he was the first one to not only understand my thoughts and feelings, but to understand me as a person all around. I felt true happiness for the first time in a while, but it was never as strong as what I felt of then. We honestly talked for five to six hours straight. It had to be one of the greatest things that had happened to me all year.
“Casandra, I need to rest. I have to go to work tomorrow morning. But I will be back for sure around three so we can talk even more,” he said. A man of his word, I should say.
“That means a lot to me, Andrew. I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow. If it was anything like it was today, I’ll be very sure that I’ll love it and enjoy every second of you and me talking tomorrow. I hope you sleep well,” I pressed the enter button too shyly, remembering I had to say more. “I’m happy I found you again. That, you’re here in my life again, and really, I have never forgotten about you. Really, Andrew,” I finished my sentence, and anvils lifted up off of my chest.
“I know. I feel the same way. Casandra. Sleep well for me tonight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight, Andrew!”
I signed off right after he did, and I lied down in my bed and I couldn’t stop smiling. Thinking. The cool breeze batted against my screen, inviting itself into my room. I closed my eyes, my eyelids being the canvas of my life, the colors spreading across my mind describing my life at that very moment in time. With colors. I grasped my cell phone and glanced at the time on the screen. My eyes locked on the numbers that read 1:41 a.m. I started giggling. I hadn’t acted that way, ever. Was it me being, happy? Was it Andrew that affected me in this way, an amazing way? I felt like, I could be myself. I fell asleep, quickly, for the first time in a long while. I slept as if I was a baby.
The next morning I awoke with a smile gracefully painted across my face. I pulled the blankets off of my body and I jumped out of bed. I walked out into the kitchen and grabbed a clean glass from the cupboard. As I filled the cup up with cold, freezing water, and felt the cold sensation of the water breaking through the glass, almost as if it was piercing my hand with a below zero temperature. I smiled to myself, and I remembered that I was going to talk to Andrew again that day. I got myself ready, excited. Ready…Waiting.
Three-thirty in the afternoon rolled in quickly, like it was the tires of a sports car, racing across the finish line. I saw Andrew there on MSN, and his name glowed like a significant being from the heavens. We started talking, and it was very casual at first, but it turned into a more in-depth conversation. Just like exploring the deep sea trenches- it happens, rarely. Andrew sent me a picture, that he had drawn, and color-enhanced on Photo-shop.
“He likes art. Drawing. That stuff. Wow!” I said to myself, but saying it with an ecstatic jump. I wanted to acknowledge the fact of Andrew loving art, loving to draw. I quickly said something to him. “You know, I like to draw too. But, you’re a lot better than me. You’re an inspiration! I haven’t really drawn anything in a long time. But, I kind of have this energy now, for some reason.”
“An energy? To draw? That’s amazing,” he said back to me. He said amazing! That I had an energy to draw! I smiled to myself.
“You know, I’m going to draw something right now, okay?” I had this idea, a picture in my mind for him.
“Okay Casandra. Sounds nice.”
I pulled out the paper, white as snow. Pulled out a pencil, my only tool that worked along with my mind. I told him that I would say something every now and then, but I would be drawing, and he said that he would be there, so I had no worries. I thought for a quick moment, and started sketching a boy, holding flowers in his hands, to his side. He had an almost hesitant look in his eyes, but confidence in his stance. He stood next to a tree, under the dark sky. Waiting behind someone. I sketched a girl, with her hands behind her back, looking away shyly. It’s how I felt. I sketched myself, how I wanted to come out and tell Andrew all of these things, how I felt about him, and how I missed him, but I let my feelings pour into the drawing. I wanted to tell Andrew how I felt, but for some reason, I wanted to give him a picture, involved with something that he liked. I wanted to draw him something of his liking. I knew he loved art. So why not draw him something? I drew that picture, and I was not hoping to win his heart. I knew that if I had done it the right way. If I expressed myself, he would understand what I wanted to say to him by that drawing. It was like our little Morse code. I looked down at the picture, and my eyes were looking at the piece of art that would change my life forever, but I had no idea what just this drawing would bring into my life. I sat there, quietly. Looking at the computer screen, falling into a trance. Should I send it to him? Should I add color? Or keep it simple? Will he get the message? Will he like this? Love it? Want it? Want me? Feel the same way? I sighed deeply, and placed the drawing onto the scanner, letting the piece of paper fall from my hands, making my choice. I knew it’s what I wanted. I wanted to show him how I expressed myself. And there was a reason. I had loved him once before. And you never stop loving. I wanted us together, to be rediscovered.
The picture was being scanned. My fate. My destiny. It had been foretold.
“Andrew, I have something to show you! More of a present for you. I’ll send it to you in a few seconds. It’s all for you!” I said to him, I was so nervous, but I had to do, what I wanted to do. What I felt was necessary for me to express myself to this boy that I had feelings for before, and here he was, again. And, I still had this feeling in my stomach. It was amazing. I wanted him to know everything. I wanted him to know. I knew I couldn’t make him feel anything. It was all up to him, and how he truly felt. That was up to him completely, and I understood. I just didn’t want to hide my feelings. Because I didn’t feel the need to.
“You have something for me? Really? Okay, Casandra. I cannot wait to see it,” he said. I wondered if he knew if I drew him the picture. I was standing on my toes. I was nervous, and I heard the clashing of the scanner, scanning in the picture, into the computer screen. My teeth started to clench tightly. The room temperature seemed to rise, and my body felt torrid. I had sent him the picture, and I was watching it load into his computer. I started to have an anxiety attack.
“Andrew, I hope you like it,” I said, before he even received it. “I mean, it’s just for you, and it was the first time I’ve drawn anything in a while, so I really hope you like it. Oh my, I hope you do! It took me about an hour to do, I’m sorry for keeping you waiting. But, I’m happy you’re still here, so that I can send you this picture-”
The loading had finished, which meant that Andrew could look at the picture. I stopped talking, and I had to remember, that I couldn’t freak out. It was how I felt. And maybe, it was just the fact that he was going to know. I think I was just more excited than I was nervous. But then I had this feeling of being singled out. Who really expresses their feelings to another through a drawn picture, these days? I never really heard of that. I was being myself. I closed my eyes, and watched the purple and pink haze swirl before me. I remembered that this was my dream. To be with someone that understood me. There was a reason that I sent him that picture. There was a reason for everything. Running into him after two and a half years of no contact what-so-ever, that was a sign. That picture that I got the urge to draw for him. That was a sign. I closed my eyes tighter, making sure they were shut, firmly. Wearing super glue. I said to myself quietly, “You can kill the dreamer, but you can’t kill the dreams.” I opened my eyes, and looked down at the writing on my desk. I remembered one of the quotes on my desk from one of my favorite movies, I had written it down, to remember that every choice I made, had a reason and meaning behind it. That it just didn’t happen. Even though I didn’t know exactly what it was that I wanted, I had this feeling, that I couldn’t explain.
“Alice came to a fork in the road. ‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.
‘Where do you want to go?’ responded the Cheshire cat.
‘I don't know,’ Alice answered.
‘Then,’ said the cat, ‘it doesn't matter.’”
I inhaled, deeply. I knew what I wanted, and I had already walked down that path.
“Casandra…That has to be one of the most amazing drawings I have ever seen. Really, this is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me,” he said, waiting, and pausing between sentences typed magically, just for me. I took this shockingly. Good for good. It didn’t seem to be bad. I smiled, lightly. Starting to take the word ‘amazing’ and embracing it, and allowing it into my vocabulary. “You know what I’m going to do for you? I’m going to color this picture. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll color this for you. I can’t believe you did this for me. For me?”
“Andrew, that picture is all for you. Keep it. It’s yours. My feelings are drawn there, for you,” I replied, my heart practically living inside of my throat; hard to swallow. And, it was amazing for me, so I had no idea what this picture could possibly do for the two of us. It was the main item to combine the two of us. It was the missing piece of our puzzle. I wasn’t quite sure if he felt the same way I felt about him. But I really think he got the idea of me having feelings for him. And that’s all I really wanted him to know at that time. I had accomplished my mission. I had expressed myself, in a way I never had before.
He told me that he was going to color it for me. That he was going to tell me something when he finally finished it, and gave it to me. When he finally left that night to go to sleep, I left, and went outside. The wind was cool, blanketing my skin. I closed my eyelids, moving my body as if I was dancing through the air. I was happy. And I had found it. Someone had given it to me. I was actually, allowed to have a smile, and it wasn’t a fake smile that was planted there out of pure hesitation; it was painted charmingly. A Sunday night, entirely lived.
The next morning, waking up was just so exciting for me. I felt that I had so much to live for. Someone to live for. And that someone had given me meaning in my life. When we talked, it seemed a little different, he was a little more quiet. But I had a feeling why. Whenever I asked him what he was doing, I had the feeling that he was a little preoccupied, so I didn’t bug him too much. I only asked him.
“So is everything okay, Andrew?” I asked, with a slight nervousness in my attitude.
“Yes, of course. I’m just working on the drawing,” he replied, benevolently.
“Okay! I’ll be here, don’t worry,” I said back, understanding why our conversation wasn’t developing, being swayed back and forth, quickly.
“Thank you, Casey.”
Monday and Tuesday continued on exactly like this, but I didn’t care if our conversations seemed to be slow, and quiet. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I was excited to just see my feelings come to life. I wondered to myself everyday that he was working on the picture for me, if he was going to tell me he had the same feelings as me. Or if he was just coloring it for me as a present, and saying thanks. I wasn’t sure, but I was keeping my head held high, hoping for the best. I had the feeling that things were going to work out between Andrew and me. I was just plain out rapturous.
Wednesday night, rolled right on by, like it was just, meant to happen as quickly as possible. A gift to myself and Andrew, but little did we know that it would be the night forever known as the date we’d remember for a very long time. I looked outside my window, gazing once again at the bright moon. The stars seemed to have been poured into the sky. I had this amazing feeling inside of me, as each moment passed by, that this pure-hearted person had walked into my life, and was going to stay. But I wanted that closure, and I knew that he did too.
“I’ll send you the picture in a few minutes, Casandra.”
My heart pumped, the room started to swirl, my hands were tremulous in presence. This was good. I was waiting, patiently. I couldn’t wait; but I could. I looked at the clock, it read 11:55 p.m. I closed my eyes, for what seemed to be a long while. But I opened them and saw that Andrew had sent me something. I looked at the clock once more. 11:59 p.m.
“I told you that you would have the picture today. Time, my worst enemy,” he said.
I opened the picture, to find a marvelous piece of art. He had transformed my black and white feelings, into this magical perfection. I faded into the picture, and I read the words that were on the side of this present for me.
“Forever your Shadow: Following wherever you may roam. Look to the ground. Look at your Shadow -- Look at me. I am the Darkness that comforts you. Never shall you be Alone. With this, I ask, and say not just love but come with me during this time of my life. Love you. Andrew. M.”
I slowly shut my eyes, and embraced these words, letting them flow lightly into my heart. A tear ran down my face, leaving a shimmering streak across my cheek.
“Andrew, I love you,” I said with complete meaning, these words coming from my heart. I realized, that this was a way to express our feelings, and time and efforts were put into these piece of art…it was our masterpiece. And we had become one. We had let the moments pass by. I let him know that tears were being set free, but they were filled with pure happiness. And he understood me completely. We talked, and talked. And I could call him mine. He could call me his. Love was love. There was no need to prove it. It existed, and that was all that we knew.
“I leave you with, I love you,” he said, devotedly.
“I love you too,” I replied, my heart beating. Alive.
“I love you. I could say it…a billion times. I’ll write it all over the walls.”
“I could too. I still love you. And I’ll love you forever.”
We both left to go to bed, but I actually decided to write in my journal. I couldn’t sleep. This is what I wrote:
“From my head to my toes, I’m covered. My dreams are sealed, behind my eyelids. Only one, knows my secrets, only one, who can love. The sunlight kiss on my face, brings me joy everyday. I open my eyes, to know my days are no longer gray. Nothing holds me back, he lets me fall forward, his guiding words, his helping hands, his sweet smile. Always on my mind, I keep happy throughout, stopping will take a while. This smile will never fade, nor in battle, could it be lost. For I am too strong, I keep my fingers crossed. Life is a battle, love is a gift, not war. I open the door, I step into the combat of life; the piercing of the hate gives me chills. Yet, I’m still smiling, what is wrong with me? Life, is menacing, sometimes too good to be true, allows everything around us to crumble into nothing. But with one other, you conquer, you have the thrills. Alone, they hide behind the mask, scared to show. For they are cowards, not willing to take the challenge. These war chills, only make me stronger, make my smile constant, build my heart, allow me to attain love, construct my future. I realize, I’m my only enemy.” I smiled. My cheeks blush, my heart pounding. I smiled a pure, true smile for the first time.
A night accomplished, and our fairytale had been written and lived. I closed my eyes, fading not into a dream, but my reality.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
~~
End Note:
My first essay of my Junior year. My teacher gave me a C- on this essay. Because it was too long. I was actually appalled for the first time in my English career in high school. Because my previous teacher only gave me A's on my essays. And loved the length and quality and detail of my essays in creative writing, but I always kept it short when it was just a summary essay etc. But this was a CREATIVE WRITING/STORY. How do you expect me to write of an important even in my life, in three pages, double spaced. HAW HAW. I transferred classes, because the douche bag was a student teacher. I gave the essay to Mrs. Eldridge, a new English teacher. She gave me an A+. More like it. Bitch douche student teacher.
_____
Anyway. Here's some eye candy. Here's the picture that I drew for him, but he colored for me in Photoshop. - Sigh. - Two years ago.. August 23rd, he sent the picture to me. At 11:59PM. I remember his words an hour before.
"I will make sure you get it today."
He's never seized to amaze me.
He said after I had received the picture.
There's an A in her eye. A C in his eye.