A Point of Decision
I am nearing the possibility of a very major decision in my life. Until I make it, I will not reveal exactly what it is. It will not be made until May 8 at the earliest and sometime in August at the latest. In this post, I will discuss some of my reasons for strongly considering this decision, and it may be quite possible for you to discern what the decision is.
Reason #1) I am Not Happy. I spend a lot of time worrying about the correct thing to do and very little time doing the things that I want to do. I recognize that I am a very selfish person, and that one does not do the correct thing because it feels good, but rather because it is correct. That being said, I have sought to find some kind of balance between "doing the right thing" and "doing the thing that feels right," and my current path in life is not cutting it. It may have been a mistake for me to pursue a Dual Master's Degree when the reality of the situation was that I wanted to be a teacher and felt I needed to get an English Degree as well. I say this because while the thought of being a teacher still inspires some amount of hope and excitement in me, the tasks associated with my current studies (reading, writing, editing, researching, etc.) are trying my patience. They are not viscerally enriching to me. The thought of standing in front of a class of students guiding them to learning and communication and thought is still appealing, but the thought of taking my work home with me every night and sifting through the tedium of grading, lesson planning, reading, notetaking, etc. while other desires and unfulfilled wishes gnaw at the back of my mind is not. At all.
Reason #2) I have Other Desires and Unfulfilled Wishes Gnawing at the Back of My Mind. The last time I made a big decision about the course of my life, it was because I realized that all my homework for science classes was distracting me from what I actually wanted to be doing, which was drawing. It was a very easy decision, once I got over how I thought other people would react, to decide not to go to Med School and instead major in Art. And except for some very silly little reasons that occasionally prickle the darker recesses of my brain, I do not regret this decision at all. Right now, I feel that all my homework for English (and teaching classes, except they never really assign significant amounts of homework) are distracting me from the things I want to be doing: drawing, writing creatively, and learning to sew. In other words, from making things. When I think about teaching, I wedge in elements of creativity as though they are a consolation prize: "well, I'd be creating lesson plans, and encouraging others to create, and that will feel good." I am less and less convinced by my rationalizations every day.
Reason #3) I Need to Focus. From time to time, I sit back and think "if I could just figure out the one thing I must do, I would do it with all my strength and energy and not let myself get spread thin across the thousand needs that divide my time every day. I would devote every spare second to this task, and my hunger for it would drive me to reach my fullest potential." Unlike ever before, I am beginning to think I may have stumbled into this task. I do not yet feel comfortable discussing it, because the voices that tell me it is silly and unfeasible and a dream or fantasy are still very very strong. But for a variety of mysterious reasons (some of which I am listing right now), I am starting to trust the voices that say "It doesn't matter how silly or fantastic this is. It's your dream and you've had it for a long time (even if it started unconsciously as all proper dreams do) and you can live it, but you have to choose to live it and that means giving other things up."
Reason #4) I Feel Capable. For a very long time, I have been doing things because I feel able to do them, instead of because I want to do them. In the years since choosing not to go to Med School, I have come closer to actually doing what I want by a series of compromises, trying to find more and more balanced combinations of "I want to do this" and "I can do this." Unfortunately, some unnameable force (insecurity? lack of confidence? fear? self-hatred?) has been equating "I can do this" with "it is easy for me to do this," and tacking on "I want to do this" as a rationalization after the fact. Do I want to teach? Yes, inasmuch as I want to be a positive influence on the world and especially young people. Do I want to teach High School English? That is a strange compromise that I don't even fully understand anymore. More importantly, I do not know why I was compromising. A person as smart, creative, talented, and thoughtful as I am should be able to see any task in the world as falling into the category of "I can do it." I should be looking for risks, challenges, and silly fantastic pipe dreams to pursue, instead of rational, well-plotted paths that take me somewhere comfortable and recognizable. With this need for compromise out of the way, I should be pursuing every inkling of "I want to do this" with as much fervor as possible, instead of putting them into the big box of "things I'll do if I have time." And I think it's time for me to stop bullshitting myself and go after what I want.
Unfortunately, all of this radical thinking could only come during a time of great stress, frustration, and near-hopelessness, and now is such a time. That means that if I want to run Jesriah at Festival and pass all (or any) of my classes this semester, I can't act on this decision until the semester is over. Thus, May 8. Beginning on that date (and maybe before if I cheat), I will begin to set in motion the first steps of my new life plan. If all goes well, I should be a household name in this country by 2025 or so. I think I deserve it.