Ten-Day Meme: Day Ten
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.
I have noticed far fewer posts on my flist now that this meme is petering out. I think we will all remember these days fondly - I know I have learned a lot of powerful and interesting things about my friends from it. Anyway, here is my confession:
1. I am deeply, deeply afraid all the time. I am very good at building for myself a life of seeming comfort and security, based on confidence, prudence, and care, but there is always a very powerful part of me that fears, with such conviction that it is like knowing, that everything I love and hold dear to me could and will be eradicated sometime very soon in a single, irreversible instant. I am afraid to love because I know I won't keep the people I love. I know that whatever and whomever I treasure as undeniably mine will be destroyed, or at the very least taken away from me entirely, simply because they are mine and I cannot have them - my happiness in loving them is a state that must end. I fantasize about moments of death and loss... and sometimes in these fantasies it's all my fault - I am to blame for the destruction, or my failures mean I can't be around the people I love. I sometimes feel as if there is some kind of core of toxicity or pestilence inside me, something vile that destroys and spreads on contact, and that I can only protect the people I care about by building barriers between that core of self and them. When I think about this in logical terms, it makes no sense to me, but I act on it every day, and I can't seem to stop myself. Why? Why? Why?
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.
I have noticed far fewer posts on my flist now that this meme is petering out. I think we will all remember these days fondly - I know I have learned a lot of powerful and interesting things about my friends from it. Anyway, here is my confession:
1. I am deeply, deeply afraid all the time. I am very good at building for myself a life of seeming comfort and security, based on confidence, prudence, and care, but there is always a very powerful part of me that fears, with such conviction that it is like knowing, that everything I love and hold dear to me could and will be eradicated sometime very soon in a single, irreversible instant. I am afraid to love because I know I won't keep the people I love. I know that whatever and whomever I treasure as undeniably mine will be destroyed, or at the very least taken away from me entirely, simply because they are mine and I cannot have them - my happiness in loving them is a state that must end. I fantasize about moments of death and loss... and sometimes in these fantasies it's all my fault - I am to blame for the destruction, or my failures mean I can't be around the people I love. I sometimes feel as if there is some kind of core of toxicity or pestilence inside me, something vile that destroys and spreads on contact, and that I can only protect the people I care about by building barriers between that core of self and them. When I think about this in logical terms, it makes no sense to me, but I act on it every day, and I can't seem to stop myself. Why? Why? Why?