Why I Believe in God.
And why I believe that God is a Fickle Child.
7:00 - I am woken by my alarm, which I have taken to hiding under my bed. I spend some minutes attempting to wake up and get used to being vertical. This transition does not get easier no matter how many times I undertake it. I am groggy and semi-conscious.
7:10 - I drag myself into the shower and wake myself up. This ritual still works every day, somehow. I am refreshed.
7:30 - I decide that I will read another chapter of The Odyssey while eating breakfast, in order to be better prepared for my night class at Framingham State at 6:30. I think about what I am going to teach today in my writing class, and wonder if I am adequately prepared. I am nervous, even though I am sure that I am adequately prepared.
8:30 - I finish getting dressed and decide that I look like a Dad. Maybe it is because I am wearing my dad's tie. I decide to grudgingly accept this fact and leave for class. I am mildly resentful of my life in general, and mildly annoyed with myself for accepting it thus far.
9:10 - I teach. I really ought to have spent more time discussing the Close Reading before today, and I am sure many students are ill-prepared to write their first one for Friday. That being said I expect the papers to be rough and to require lots of work in-class and outside of it. As Kanye would say, It's a Process. I am worried, however, that they are still confused and that their confusion will lead them to doubt the value of my class. I am beginning to doubt the value of my class. By the end of it, I am frustrated and unconfident.
10:30 - I go home. I was intending to finish reading two more chapters of The Odyssey and writing the required journal entry for my night class, but I am feeling drained and angry, so I just write the journal entry as quickly as possible and play Peggle. I feel like a waste of space.
2:50 - I drive to pick up Jocelyn from school. I am already late. Why? I wasn't doing anything important. There is unexpected traffic on I-95, and I become even later. I begin to scream at myself. My car is really the only place I feel comfortable doing this. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the traffic. I worry that I am angry at Jocelyn because I have to pick her up and I just want to sit at home and mope. I think about phoning a psychiatrist to whom I was referred quite some time ago regarding a certain problem I have. I am not worried about that problem right now, but I feel like it might be nice to have someone to talk to about the ways I have been feeling lately. Like angry. And empty. And lonely. But I manage to convince myself that only a better attitude will help me cheer up now, and Jocelyn deserves that. More than anyone else does.
3:15 - I arrive at school ten minutes late. The teachers are leaving. A man in a green polo with his name printed on it tells me where to go. I suppose I asked him. But I knew. She is in the library. She tells me I am late. She introduces me to all her friends. I have been asking about her friends lately. Her friends remember me. This is somewhat refreshing. I have Jocelyn now, so I can no longer claim to be angry. Not because I am suppressing it, but because it honestly is not felt. Regardless I am terse and less cheerful than I should be, than I want to be.
3:50 - I bring Jocelyn to her apartment. I check my phone for messages and am reminded that I was supposed to take her to the hospital for a doctor's appointment. Despite the fact that we are now already 20 minutes late for this appointment and I hate being late more than anything in the world, I am not even close to upset anymore. I tell Jocelyn to eat as much as she can and take something with her, because she is always hungry and we need to go to the doctor quickly. I am carefree and lighthearted.
4:15 - We arrive at the doctor's office and explain that we are late. We are told that usually the doctor would make us reschedule (why are we told this? out of spite? to chastise us?) but that she will meet with us in one half hour today. Lucky us. Jocelyn wants to visit the gift shop so we do. I call her mother to tell her the news. I am worried that I will not be able to make it to my class on time, because we will not be done with the appointment.
4:30 - We come back to the waiting room. I tell the receptionist we are back. She is leaving. She does not tell anyone else. She does not tell us that the doctor has been looking for us. We wait another 25 minutes. I ask the other receptionist what is going on, and she tells us that the doctor has been looking for us. I am frustrated. At least I have someone else to blame. I tell Jocelyn what happened. She asks "why?" I answer "Some people."
5:00 - Jocelyn finally sees the doctor. The doctor is curt. She cuts me off. I want to slap her. I do not. I call Jocelyn's mother and ask her if she can come pick up Jocelyn from the hospital. Jocelyn's mother is late. I am anxious about getting to my class on time.
5:45 - I trade Jocelyn to her mother and leave for my class. There is no traffic on I-90. I am eager to arrive to class on time. I will even have time to eat, but I don't know where I will find food. I am hopeful.
6:00 - I pass a Panera on Route 30. Panera to me is like an oasis in a gigantic desert of anguish and frustration. I go to Panera. I am happy.
6:05 - Literally minutes after I place my order, an entire girls' high school field hockey team comes in the door behind me. This is when I become convinced that there is a god and that she is on my side. I am thrilled.
6:15 - I finally get my order and rush back to the car, having waited for them to get the macaroni and cheese finished. I do not care about the wait. Everything is out of my hands now and I am ecstatic. I have food in my passenger seat and I drive on towards Framingham State. When I hit a red light I open my bag and eat my delicious sierra turkey sandwich. I am euphoric.
6:37 - I arrive in class in time to hear the professor call my name for attendance. This is the first time this has happened. I hate commuting. But I am sort of on time. I am relieved. We discuss The Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh and The Odyssey. It is revelatory. I am reminded of why I want to teach these things. Other people in my class - other adults in my class who chose to take this course complain afterward that it was boring. I want to ask them what is interesting in their lives if not the greatest mysteries of existence humanity has ever explored. I don't. I accept all the little things that have made my life joyous and complex and frustrating and incredible and fascinating today, and I thank my Goddess, Uesthraelu, for giving me those gifts. I thank her for giving me the random, inane workings of every single moment, and the capacity we all have for adapting to those moments and appreciating them. I am a believer, and my faith is tested and restored every day.
7:00 - I am woken by my alarm, which I have taken to hiding under my bed. I spend some minutes attempting to wake up and get used to being vertical. This transition does not get easier no matter how many times I undertake it. I am groggy and semi-conscious.
7:10 - I drag myself into the shower and wake myself up. This ritual still works every day, somehow. I am refreshed.
7:30 - I decide that I will read another chapter of The Odyssey while eating breakfast, in order to be better prepared for my night class at Framingham State at 6:30. I think about what I am going to teach today in my writing class, and wonder if I am adequately prepared. I am nervous, even though I am sure that I am adequately prepared.
8:30 - I finish getting dressed and decide that I look like a Dad. Maybe it is because I am wearing my dad's tie. I decide to grudgingly accept this fact and leave for class. I am mildly resentful of my life in general, and mildly annoyed with myself for accepting it thus far.
9:10 - I teach. I really ought to have spent more time discussing the Close Reading before today, and I am sure many students are ill-prepared to write their first one for Friday. That being said I expect the papers to be rough and to require lots of work in-class and outside of it. As Kanye would say, It's a Process. I am worried, however, that they are still confused and that their confusion will lead them to doubt the value of my class. I am beginning to doubt the value of my class. By the end of it, I am frustrated and unconfident.
10:30 - I go home. I was intending to finish reading two more chapters of The Odyssey and writing the required journal entry for my night class, but I am feeling drained and angry, so I just write the journal entry as quickly as possible and play Peggle. I feel like a waste of space.
2:50 - I drive to pick up Jocelyn from school. I am already late. Why? I wasn't doing anything important. There is unexpected traffic on I-95, and I become even later. I begin to scream at myself. My car is really the only place I feel comfortable doing this. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the traffic. I worry that I am angry at Jocelyn because I have to pick her up and I just want to sit at home and mope. I think about phoning a psychiatrist to whom I was referred quite some time ago regarding a certain problem I have. I am not worried about that problem right now, but I feel like it might be nice to have someone to talk to about the ways I have been feeling lately. Like angry. And empty. And lonely. But I manage to convince myself that only a better attitude will help me cheer up now, and Jocelyn deserves that. More than anyone else does.
3:15 - I arrive at school ten minutes late. The teachers are leaving. A man in a green polo with his name printed on it tells me where to go. I suppose I asked him. But I knew. She is in the library. She tells me I am late. She introduces me to all her friends. I have been asking about her friends lately. Her friends remember me. This is somewhat refreshing. I have Jocelyn now, so I can no longer claim to be angry. Not because I am suppressing it, but because it honestly is not felt. Regardless I am terse and less cheerful than I should be, than I want to be.
3:50 - I bring Jocelyn to her apartment. I check my phone for messages and am reminded that I was supposed to take her to the hospital for a doctor's appointment. Despite the fact that we are now already 20 minutes late for this appointment and I hate being late more than anything in the world, I am not even close to upset anymore. I tell Jocelyn to eat as much as she can and take something with her, because she is always hungry and we need to go to the doctor quickly. I am carefree and lighthearted.
4:15 - We arrive at the doctor's office and explain that we are late. We are told that usually the doctor would make us reschedule (why are we told this? out of spite? to chastise us?) but that she will meet with us in one half hour today. Lucky us. Jocelyn wants to visit the gift shop so we do. I call her mother to tell her the news. I am worried that I will not be able to make it to my class on time, because we will not be done with the appointment.
4:30 - We come back to the waiting room. I tell the receptionist we are back. She is leaving. She does not tell anyone else. She does not tell us that the doctor has been looking for us. We wait another 25 minutes. I ask the other receptionist what is going on, and she tells us that the doctor has been looking for us. I am frustrated. At least I have someone else to blame. I tell Jocelyn what happened. She asks "why?" I answer "Some people."
5:00 - Jocelyn finally sees the doctor. The doctor is curt. She cuts me off. I want to slap her. I do not. I call Jocelyn's mother and ask her if she can come pick up Jocelyn from the hospital. Jocelyn's mother is late. I am anxious about getting to my class on time.
5:45 - I trade Jocelyn to her mother and leave for my class. There is no traffic on I-90. I am eager to arrive to class on time. I will even have time to eat, but I don't know where I will find food. I am hopeful.
6:00 - I pass a Panera on Route 30. Panera to me is like an oasis in a gigantic desert of anguish and frustration. I go to Panera. I am happy.
6:05 - Literally minutes after I place my order, an entire girls' high school field hockey team comes in the door behind me. This is when I become convinced that there is a god and that she is on my side. I am thrilled.
6:15 - I finally get my order and rush back to the car, having waited for them to get the macaroni and cheese finished. I do not care about the wait. Everything is out of my hands now and I am ecstatic. I have food in my passenger seat and I drive on towards Framingham State. When I hit a red light I open my bag and eat my delicious sierra turkey sandwich. I am euphoric.
6:37 - I arrive in class in time to hear the professor call my name for attendance. This is the first time this has happened. I hate commuting. But I am sort of on time. I am relieved. We discuss The Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh and The Odyssey. It is revelatory. I am reminded of why I want to teach these things. Other people in my class - other adults in my class who chose to take this course complain afterward that it was boring. I want to ask them what is interesting in their lives if not the greatest mysteries of existence humanity has ever explored. I don't. I accept all the little things that have made my life joyous and complex and frustrating and incredible and fascinating today, and I thank my Goddess, Uesthraelu, for giving me those gifts. I thank her for giving me the random, inane workings of every single moment, and the capacity we all have for adapting to those moments and appreciating them. I am a believer, and my faith is tested and restored every day.