The Devotion of Dogs (Beckett/Castle, PG-13)
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown
His shifting woke her before the morning sun streaming through the window had a chance to, and Kate Beckett groaned a little as she opened her eyes. The sheets of the bed were tangled up around her, and she turned her head on the pillow and met his eyes.
He was staring at her, patiently, watching her wake up. Large, brown eyes that stared at her longingly, as if he had been watching her for hours, not wanting to rouse her but still excited at the prospect of her joining the land of the waking. He was silent, withholding his excitement to crawl into her arms, but she could tell by the way he twitched and moved closer to her on the bed.
Kate smiled, the fogginess of sleep still clinging to her. As it faded, it made way for the memories of the night before, and her smile widened all the more.
“Good morning, Henry,” she whispered to those deep, brown eyes.
As if taking that as an incentive that she was awake enough for his affections, he leaped towards her and licked her nose. Kate giggled.
“Oh, you’re awake?” The voice came from the doorway, and the afterglow of the morning warmed Kate’s body underneath the cool sheets of the bed. She turned and looked at the door, her wide grin softening to a satisfied smile. “Good morning, Kate,” the man at the door said.
“Hi Castle.”
Rick Castle stood in the doorway, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. Kate rolled her body to face him, pulling the squirming puppy next to her into her arms and scratching his ears tenderly as she looked at the man across the room. He was clad only in his pants, and she took a moment to admire his wide shoulders. The strong arms that had held her so tightly last night as he moved against her in the dark. The solid hands that had touched her so feverishly, yet so gently, as if he had been worried she would break.
“I was hoping the inviting scent of coffee would gently pull you from slumber, but it looks like Rowdy beat me to the punch.”
She rolled her eyes. It had been a surprise, the little golden retriever puppy. That was all Kate was sure Rick had meant it to be. A consolation prize for not having a date on Valentines Day, maybe, or a way to reach out to her. To push himself into her life more deeply, but in a way she wouldn’t be able to reject.
But it had been enough. Maybe it was the puppy and the way it made her smile, or maybe it was the bottle of wine he’d brought along that she’d asked him to share, or maybe it was just the culmination of over three years of fighting the only battle she knew she was destined to lose. But whatever it was, a wall crumbled that night. It had been perfect in ways she didn’t know were possible, and they had only bickered once. Because they couldn’t agree on a name.
“His name is Henry,” Kate insisted. She pulled herself into a sitting position, and Castle took that as an incentive to move into the room and sit down on the bed, trading her the warm cup of coffee in his hands for her puppy.
“Henry’s no name for a dog,” Castle argued. The puppy squirmed, licking Castle’s chin with his little pink tongue, and he chuckled.
Kate sipped her coffee. “Rowdy isn’t even a real name.”
“It’s a good name. Besides, you know this guy is going to be a little handful for us.”
One word. One word that made the fog of dream that had been her night melt away in a chilly reality. Nearly choking on her coffee, Kate pulled it away from her lips and gaped. “...Us?”
Castle froze, the smile on his face vanishing. His eyes were clearly searching to key in on whatever he said wrong, covering his tracks desperately but not wanting to wait to long to reply. “Well, yeah, I thought...” He drifted off.
“You thought what, Rick?” Her voice was strangled, and mean, and she wanted to stop talking but she could see in his eyes that the damage was already done. He knew her too well and he read every word she didn’t want to say to him in her eyes.
“I just... I figured that we had kind of overcome a really big hurtle in our relationship last night and that we-”
“Could get married and ride into the sunset and live happily ever after?” She regretted the words as soon as they fell out of her mouth, but she couldn’t stop them. The afterglow was fading into the harsh light of what they had done, and Kate was suddenly convincing herself that she regretted it.
Castle was staring at her like she was a stranger. “Hey, I didn’t come over here expecting this to happen, Beckett. You kissed me.”
He wasn’t wrong, and it stalled her words, thankfully. She didn’t want to talk anymore, because she knew what she had just done. She had thrown last night back in face and she didn’t know why. “I have to go into work.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“I’m behind on paperwork.”
He stood up, depositing the dog on the bed and grabbing his clothes from the floor. Pulling on his shirt in a hurry, he grabbed his keys off the bed stand and turned to face her again with a dark look.
“Kate, I... I didn’t come here last night to sleep with you, I came here to be your friend. And what happened between us happened, and I felt something I know you did, too. And for one night I thought that wall came down and I guess it didn’t. But it cracked and I saw you, maybe just for a minute, but what I saw was extraordinary and beautiful and everything I want and I know you want it too. And it’s worth waiting for but I tell you what... You can’t expect me to wait forever.” He frowned and turned away. “I’ll see you Monday.”
Castle stormed out of the room. Kate sobbed and buried her head in hands. After a moment she lifted her head and called out.
“Rick...”
But it was too late. She heard the door slam and her apartment was silent.
The puppy climbed across the bed towards her, stumbling over the wrinkles of blankets, trying to get to her lap. She watched him, unmoving, and couldn’t imagine the day when he would be big enough to climb anything.
***
Two weeks passed, and Castle never mentioned anything. He didn’t even ask about the dog, or what name Kate had finally settled on, and she was glad for it.
She was too embarrassed to admit she had a dog that didn’t have a name.
Kate kept wanting to say something to Castle, but she didn’t know how to broach the topic. She didn’t know how to say she was scared or that she freaked out or that she missed him in her bed. She missed the way he curled his arms around her as she drifted to sleep, and the way his lips pressed against her shoulder gently, and the way it filled her to feel him breathe. She missed the way he had made love to her, and the way that his breath tickled her skin when his lips hovered just a hair’s breadth away from places only lovers could access.
It had only been one night, but it had felt like an eternity that haunted her every move. She couldn’t look him in the eye without remembering what she had said to him, so she spent her energy trying to convince herself, unsuccessfully, that it had been a mistake.
But he kept showing up, every single morning. It was his way, she suspected, of letting her know he was still waiting. As long as he was there, he was waiting. As long as he walked through those doors, she had another day to try to muster the strength to tell him she had been wrong.
And then, one day, he didn’t come.
“Hey, where’s Castle?” Esposito asked as he wandered to her desk.
“Hell if I know,” she snapped. “Probably sleeping off a hangover somewhere.”
Ryan shook his head. He was camped out in front of his desk with a pile of case files. “Nah, he said something about popping down to the Hamptons with Alexis for a few days. I’m surprised he didn’t mention it to you.”
Kate wasn’t surprised. They had avoided talk of anything personal, a sudden taboo that risked drawing them too close and forcing them to have a conversation that Kate wasn’t ready for. Every instance of small talk between them had clicked by like a moment wasted, and Kate’s constant energy aimed at regret was turning into self-loathing.
So she just shrugged off Ryan’s comment and buried her nose in a file. “It’s not like he tells me everything,” she muttered, and slid another brick into the wall.
***
The dog was twelve weeks old, and he still didn’t have a name.
Kate sat on her couch, her legs curled up under her, and he sat across from her. He was growing, his large paws becoming less cumbersome with every day, his fluffy baby fur softening to a shiny, sleek coat.
“Come here, Richie.” The dog stared at her, his eyes confused. “Okay, not Richie. How about... Doug. Come here, Doug!” The dog tilted his head, one ear rising subtly, but he didn’t move. “No, you’re right, not Doug, either.”
Kate didn’t have a whole lot of experience with pets. She’d had a cat growing up, but it was always more her mother’s pet. Once she had joined the force, having a pet just seemed frivolous and unfair. Sure, she’d thought about it on occasion, but it was the kind of thing that would have never happened if Castle hadn’t intervened.
Just the thought of him made her sigh and wilt. The puppy popped up and climbed into her lap, licking her face gently. “You know,” she told him. “One day you’re going to be too big to be a lapdog.”
He didn’t seem to mind her words, and just lay his head on her leg, waiting to be pet. That was the great thing about animals, she thought. They lived in the moment, uncaring of what the future held, only concerned with the now. She wanted to think it was stupid but, really, she thought it was kind of brave.
***
Four weeks passed before the precinct heard a peep from Richard Castle. Kate was sitting at her desk, chewing absentmindedly on a M&M when he came blowing through the doors and made a bee-line for her. She paused mid-chew to stare at him blankly as he plopped down in his vacant chair next to her desk.
“You will not believe the month I just had,” he informed her, as if he had only just seen her yesterday.
She still stared at him blankly, and then looked around, as if she hoped Ryan and Esposito would magically appear and save her from whatever was coming. But they were miles away working a lead, and the precinct was near empty, earning her just a few suspicious glances from various detectives and uniforms who knew better than to interfere when Richard Castle was Returning.
To be honest, she had learned to live with missing him. Whenever he would disappear - or worse, when she would push him out of her life completely - she had learned the fine art of pushing down all of her emotions and erasing him from her mind. It was the same coping mechanism she used when anything bothered her, but what annoyed her was it was the one thing she never seemed completely in control of. He always came back, somehow, usually before she was ready. And she was always left wondering how to pick up where they left off.
“Uh, hi,” she said flatly.
“I just spent a month on a beach, writing and swimming and being a million miles away from everything and... Are those the peanut M&Ms?” He reached for her bowl and she just watched, mouth agape.
“No, they’re regular.”
“I don’t know why you don’t get the peanut ones, they are so much better.”
She snagged the bowl before his fingers could fish one out and pulled it to her chest protectively. “People have peanut allergies, Castle.” She glanced around again and then lowered her voice, leaning into him. “What are you doing here?”
“I told you,” he said, looking heartbroken that his chocolate opportunity was now out of his reach. “I had a great time in the Hamptons and I wanted to tell you all about it. There was this movie star renting the house next door, you know, that guy from-”
“You can’t just disappear for a month and come waltzing back into my life whenever it’s convenient for you.”
That gave him pause. His eyes went through a series of emotions that she could read like one of his books - surprise, then concern, then hurt, then confusion. Then it was his turn to look around and then lower his voice.
“Last time I checked, Beckett, you were the one that kicked me out.”
She was speechless. He was right, though. She had pushed him away, as much of a mistake as it may have been; not the other way around. He had told her he wouldn’t wait forever, and she had led him along anyway. What the hell did she expect?
Kate shook her head and set her bowl back on her desk. “I can’t do this right now, I’ve got work to do.” She turned back to her paperwork, the loudest indicator that she could find to tell him it was time to clear out. But she watched him out of the corner of her eye, and he didn’t budge. “Castle...”
“You are the strongest woman I know,” Castle told her. She looked up at him, her face wrought with confusion. “That’s why I can’t figure out what you’re so afraid of.”
He stood up and walked to the elevator. Beckett stared down at the files on her desk. Her life, suddenly, seemed to amount to so little. An outdated vendetta, a couple of scars, a dog with no name and a pile of paperwork that would never, ever go away. The only thing she had that meant anything was the man getting ready to walk out the door. The only man who had ever been strong enough to hit the wall that wouldn’t fall, over and over and over again.
She wanted to think it was stupid, but really, she thought it was kind of brave.
Impulsively, she pushed herself out of her chair and sprinted to the elevator, catching it just before the doors slid shut. She pushed with all of her might.
“Come over tonight.” She forced the words out, and they weren’t a request. “No wine, no gifts. Just you and me and if you promise to listen, I’ll tell you the truth.”
Castle’s eyes were wide. He nodded obediently. “I’ll be there.”
Kate stepped back and stood there, holding his gaze until the doors closed between them.
***
She cleaned. She took a shower. She brushed the dog. She fiddled with the hem of her shirt, all while waiting for the knock on the door.
And when it finally came, it took her until the second knock to move again.
Kate opened the door, and Castle stood in front of her. His face was blank, and he was wearing a different outfit than he’d worn to the precinct. Thankfully, as she had asked, his hands were empty.
She stepped back and gestured into her apartment, and Castle walked through the door. She shut it and locked the dead bolt, hovering for a moment before she turned around.
He was staring at her. His eyes were filled with adoration, and love, and she honestly could not understand how anyone could look at anything so broken like it was beautiful.
The night they were together came flooding back like a punch to the stomach. The wine had made her dizzy and courageous, and she had kissed him. He’d held her cheeks, letting her set the pace, and every move they made was met with a look in his eyes that asked “Are you sure?” And she’d kept pushing, the way she always did. Like in the gym, whether she was sparring or just taking out her daily aggressions on the kickboxing bag, she pushed. Until she was light headed and panting and so tired she could barely move, and when she reached that point, she pushed harder.
Castle had spent a long time being the bag, and that night, she wanted to push herself in a way that would mean more than just playful words and cryptic looks across crowded rooms.
Her shirt had been the last thing to come off, because she hadn’t wanted him to see the scar. It was the only time he had pushed back the whole night, forcing her to expose herself fully to him. He’d ran his fingers over the mottled skin, and she had thought, for an instant, he might cry. It was her scar, but for that moment, it was a part of him too. Her heart hadn’t been the only heart damaged when that bullet ripped through her chest that day in the graveyard. She forgot that, usually. The forgot that just because his scars were invisible didn’t mean they weren’t there.
Castle broke her reverie after a long moment. “Kate...”
She held up her hand, silencing him. His mouth closed and he nodded in understanding. He had promised to listen, and he was a man of his word.
“I lied to you, Rick,” she told him. She opened her mouth to continue, just as the dog bounded out of the room and straight to Castle. Startled, Castle looked to her for direction and she nodded. He bent down and scooped the over-sized puppy into his arms, and his face was alight with a smile that began to stitch together her broken heart.
With the dog receiving affections, the tone of the room went back to stoic, and Kate swallowed. She wasn’t sure anymore if she had the strength.
“Go on. Whatever it is, just tell me,” he said.
“I... I lied to you. About remembering. I lied to everyone because I thought if no one knew I remembered, then I wouldn’t have to.”
Castle’s face crumpled into understanding, but he stood his ground. He stayed quiet.
“I don’t expect you to still mean it, even if you did at the time. I was dying and thinking about what you had said... I was just too much for me, Castle. I was falling apart and the last thought I had before I died was that I knew you loved me. And I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want to hear you say you had changed your mind.”
She couldn’t look at him anymore, and she tried to draw her eyes away but the look on his face scared her. Kate couldn’t decipher if he was angry or sad or bitter or just still confused. Carefully, he set the dog on the ground and walked up to her, filling the long space between them with a few deft strides.
“I love you, Kate,” he told her. His voice was, somehow, even and strong. She didn’t know how he did it. “I love you. Yeah, sure, you have a history. You have baggage even I can’t understand but that is one of the reasons I fell in love with you. These ghosts follow you around everywhere and you can still get up in the morning and look them in the eye.” He moved closer, invading her personal space and staring her down. “I don’t expect anything. I don’t expect you to say it back or marry me or ride off into the sunset with me. All I want is for you to let me love you. But you know what I think? I think you believe love is a weakness and you’re too strong to let it in.”
The last time he had caught her off guard like this, she had been angry. She’d made him leave, far too afraid to admit that he had seen right through her. She was convinced that the person he saw wasn’t who she really was, and if she cut him out of her life, she could pretend his Kate Beckett didn’t exist.
But it didn’t work that way. Maybe he didn’t exactly see the person that she was, but he could certainly see the person she wanted to be. Kate moved to him, filling in the space between them and taking his hand. “I’m ready to try.”
Somehow, that seemed to be enough for him. He led her to the couch and they sat down, and soon enough, the dog was up in Castle’s face and licking his chin again, and Kate was smiling.
“Awwwe, good boy,” Castle cooed. “You missed me, didn’t you, Henry?”
Kate’s smile dropped. “I... Decided against Henry.”
Bewildered, Castle stared at the dog. “Rowdy?”
“Nope.”
“What did you go with?”
Embarrassed, Kate stared at her hands. “He doesn’t have a name yet.”
“Oh, the poor boy needs a name, Kate. Why haven’t you named him yet?”
She bit her lip and looked at Castle. “I think we were waiting for you.”
They spent the evening discussing names for dogs, cases Kate had worked on over the month, and Castle’s strange adventure with what’s-his-face from a movie she never actually saw. There was no wine, or presents, or incentives. It was just her and him, and a puppy in between. Castle held the puppy in his arms, teasing him with playful movements which made the dog bark and wag his tail so hard he almost fell off the couch twice. Kate was sure she had never laughed so hard in her life, watching them play. And as she did, the puppy turned to look at her with tender adoration. She saw in those brown eyes the promise of an endless trust that could never be broken.
When she looked up at Castle, she saw the same look in his eyes. She could almost see her reflection and for a moment, she saw exactly what he saw whenever he looked at her. She could see someone broken, but beautiful. And for just long enough, she saw herself as someone worthy of the devotion that shined in two sets of innocent, loving eyes.
Later that night, Kate Beckett kissed Richard Castle again. And again.
***
He shifted on the bed and it woke her. The sunlight was beginning to stream through the window. At her feet, there was more movement, punctuated by a puppy snoring.
Kate turned her head, tangled up in her sheets with Rick pressed against her. His chest was warm, and she tucked her head under his chin. He muttered something she couldn’t make out, but it made her smile, because she was sure he said her name.
It was Thursday, and one glance at the clock made her realize she was already late to work. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest relaxed her, and she closed her eyes once again. It was morning, and she had a dog with a name curled up at her feet, and she was being cradled by arms strong enough to break down walls. There was a pile of paperwork and an outdated vendetta waiting for her at work, but work could wait.
Castle stirred again, and she adjusted herself so she could look at his face. His bleary eyes opened, and he smiled in a manner that was so dopey it made her laugh.
“Oh, you’re still here,” he teased.
“Good morning, Rick,” she whispered.
“Good morning, Kate,” he replied.
Castle moved as if to get out of bed, but she clung to him, making him stay in place. He glanced at the clock. “We’re late.”
“I know,” she said. “Let’s not get up just yet.”
He stroked her tangled hair from her face and looked into her eyes. Then he settled back onto the pillow and let his eyes flutter shut again. “You know why I really fell in love with you?” he asked.
She scrunched up her nose, her silence serving as her response.
“Because you’re tall,” he said.
Kate smiled and rested her head back against his shoulder. She was living in the moment, and even the thought of her boss’ steely glare when she wandered in later at work wasn’t enough to wash away the warmth of his body against hers. All that mattered was that moment, the moment where she could be simple and naked and just her damaged self. The moment where she could be weak enough finally let someone love her. The moment that could just be.
She thought she should feel stupid. But, really, she just felt brave.
-Unknown
His shifting woke her before the morning sun streaming through the window had a chance to, and Kate Beckett groaned a little as she opened her eyes. The sheets of the bed were tangled up around her, and she turned her head on the pillow and met his eyes.
He was staring at her, patiently, watching her wake up. Large, brown eyes that stared at her longingly, as if he had been watching her for hours, not wanting to rouse her but still excited at the prospect of her joining the land of the waking. He was silent, withholding his excitement to crawl into her arms, but she could tell by the way he twitched and moved closer to her on the bed.
Kate smiled, the fogginess of sleep still clinging to her. As it faded, it made way for the memories of the night before, and her smile widened all the more.
“Good morning, Henry,” she whispered to those deep, brown eyes.
As if taking that as an incentive that she was awake enough for his affections, he leaped towards her and licked her nose. Kate giggled.
“Oh, you’re awake?” The voice came from the doorway, and the afterglow of the morning warmed Kate’s body underneath the cool sheets of the bed. She turned and looked at the door, her wide grin softening to a satisfied smile. “Good morning, Kate,” the man at the door said.
“Hi Castle.”
Rick Castle stood in the doorway, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. Kate rolled her body to face him, pulling the squirming puppy next to her into her arms and scratching his ears tenderly as she looked at the man across the room. He was clad only in his pants, and she took a moment to admire his wide shoulders. The strong arms that had held her so tightly last night as he moved against her in the dark. The solid hands that had touched her so feverishly, yet so gently, as if he had been worried she would break.
“I was hoping the inviting scent of coffee would gently pull you from slumber, but it looks like Rowdy beat me to the punch.”
She rolled her eyes. It had been a surprise, the little golden retriever puppy. That was all Kate was sure Rick had meant it to be. A consolation prize for not having a date on Valentines Day, maybe, or a way to reach out to her. To push himself into her life more deeply, but in a way she wouldn’t be able to reject.
But it had been enough. Maybe it was the puppy and the way it made her smile, or maybe it was the bottle of wine he’d brought along that she’d asked him to share, or maybe it was just the culmination of over three years of fighting the only battle she knew she was destined to lose. But whatever it was, a wall crumbled that night. It had been perfect in ways she didn’t know were possible, and they had only bickered once. Because they couldn’t agree on a name.
“His name is Henry,” Kate insisted. She pulled herself into a sitting position, and Castle took that as an incentive to move into the room and sit down on the bed, trading her the warm cup of coffee in his hands for her puppy.
“Henry’s no name for a dog,” Castle argued. The puppy squirmed, licking Castle’s chin with his little pink tongue, and he chuckled.
Kate sipped her coffee. “Rowdy isn’t even a real name.”
“It’s a good name. Besides, you know this guy is going to be a little handful for us.”
One word. One word that made the fog of dream that had been her night melt away in a chilly reality. Nearly choking on her coffee, Kate pulled it away from her lips and gaped. “...Us?”
Castle froze, the smile on his face vanishing. His eyes were clearly searching to key in on whatever he said wrong, covering his tracks desperately but not wanting to wait to long to reply. “Well, yeah, I thought...” He drifted off.
“You thought what, Rick?” Her voice was strangled, and mean, and she wanted to stop talking but she could see in his eyes that the damage was already done. He knew her too well and he read every word she didn’t want to say to him in her eyes.
“I just... I figured that we had kind of overcome a really big hurtle in our relationship last night and that we-”
“Could get married and ride into the sunset and live happily ever after?” She regretted the words as soon as they fell out of her mouth, but she couldn’t stop them. The afterglow was fading into the harsh light of what they had done, and Kate was suddenly convincing herself that she regretted it.
Castle was staring at her like she was a stranger. “Hey, I didn’t come over here expecting this to happen, Beckett. You kissed me.”
He wasn’t wrong, and it stalled her words, thankfully. She didn’t want to talk anymore, because she knew what she had just done. She had thrown last night back in face and she didn’t know why. “I have to go into work.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“I’m behind on paperwork.”
He stood up, depositing the dog on the bed and grabbing his clothes from the floor. Pulling on his shirt in a hurry, he grabbed his keys off the bed stand and turned to face her again with a dark look.
“Kate, I... I didn’t come here last night to sleep with you, I came here to be your friend. And what happened between us happened, and I felt something I know you did, too. And for one night I thought that wall came down and I guess it didn’t. But it cracked and I saw you, maybe just for a minute, but what I saw was extraordinary and beautiful and everything I want and I know you want it too. And it’s worth waiting for but I tell you what... You can’t expect me to wait forever.” He frowned and turned away. “I’ll see you Monday.”
Castle stormed out of the room. Kate sobbed and buried her head in hands. After a moment she lifted her head and called out.
“Rick...”
But it was too late. She heard the door slam and her apartment was silent.
The puppy climbed across the bed towards her, stumbling over the wrinkles of blankets, trying to get to her lap. She watched him, unmoving, and couldn’t imagine the day when he would be big enough to climb anything.
***
Two weeks passed, and Castle never mentioned anything. He didn’t even ask about the dog, or what name Kate had finally settled on, and she was glad for it.
She was too embarrassed to admit she had a dog that didn’t have a name.
Kate kept wanting to say something to Castle, but she didn’t know how to broach the topic. She didn’t know how to say she was scared or that she freaked out or that she missed him in her bed. She missed the way he curled his arms around her as she drifted to sleep, and the way his lips pressed against her shoulder gently, and the way it filled her to feel him breathe. She missed the way he had made love to her, and the way that his breath tickled her skin when his lips hovered just a hair’s breadth away from places only lovers could access.
It had only been one night, but it had felt like an eternity that haunted her every move. She couldn’t look him in the eye without remembering what she had said to him, so she spent her energy trying to convince herself, unsuccessfully, that it had been a mistake.
But he kept showing up, every single morning. It was his way, she suspected, of letting her know he was still waiting. As long as he was there, he was waiting. As long as he walked through those doors, she had another day to try to muster the strength to tell him she had been wrong.
And then, one day, he didn’t come.
“Hey, where’s Castle?” Esposito asked as he wandered to her desk.
“Hell if I know,” she snapped. “Probably sleeping off a hangover somewhere.”
Ryan shook his head. He was camped out in front of his desk with a pile of case files. “Nah, he said something about popping down to the Hamptons with Alexis for a few days. I’m surprised he didn’t mention it to you.”
Kate wasn’t surprised. They had avoided talk of anything personal, a sudden taboo that risked drawing them too close and forcing them to have a conversation that Kate wasn’t ready for. Every instance of small talk between them had clicked by like a moment wasted, and Kate’s constant energy aimed at regret was turning into self-loathing.
So she just shrugged off Ryan’s comment and buried her nose in a file. “It’s not like he tells me everything,” she muttered, and slid another brick into the wall.
***
The dog was twelve weeks old, and he still didn’t have a name.
Kate sat on her couch, her legs curled up under her, and he sat across from her. He was growing, his large paws becoming less cumbersome with every day, his fluffy baby fur softening to a shiny, sleek coat.
“Come here, Richie.” The dog stared at her, his eyes confused. “Okay, not Richie. How about... Doug. Come here, Doug!” The dog tilted his head, one ear rising subtly, but he didn’t move. “No, you’re right, not Doug, either.”
Kate didn’t have a whole lot of experience with pets. She’d had a cat growing up, but it was always more her mother’s pet. Once she had joined the force, having a pet just seemed frivolous and unfair. Sure, she’d thought about it on occasion, but it was the kind of thing that would have never happened if Castle hadn’t intervened.
Just the thought of him made her sigh and wilt. The puppy popped up and climbed into her lap, licking her face gently. “You know,” she told him. “One day you’re going to be too big to be a lapdog.”
He didn’t seem to mind her words, and just lay his head on her leg, waiting to be pet. That was the great thing about animals, she thought. They lived in the moment, uncaring of what the future held, only concerned with the now. She wanted to think it was stupid but, really, she thought it was kind of brave.
***
Four weeks passed before the precinct heard a peep from Richard Castle. Kate was sitting at her desk, chewing absentmindedly on a M&M when he came blowing through the doors and made a bee-line for her. She paused mid-chew to stare at him blankly as he plopped down in his vacant chair next to her desk.
“You will not believe the month I just had,” he informed her, as if he had only just seen her yesterday.
She still stared at him blankly, and then looked around, as if she hoped Ryan and Esposito would magically appear and save her from whatever was coming. But they were miles away working a lead, and the precinct was near empty, earning her just a few suspicious glances from various detectives and uniforms who knew better than to interfere when Richard Castle was Returning.
To be honest, she had learned to live with missing him. Whenever he would disappear - or worse, when she would push him out of her life completely - she had learned the fine art of pushing down all of her emotions and erasing him from her mind. It was the same coping mechanism she used when anything bothered her, but what annoyed her was it was the one thing she never seemed completely in control of. He always came back, somehow, usually before she was ready. And she was always left wondering how to pick up where they left off.
“Uh, hi,” she said flatly.
“I just spent a month on a beach, writing and swimming and being a million miles away from everything and... Are those the peanut M&Ms?” He reached for her bowl and she just watched, mouth agape.
“No, they’re regular.”
“I don’t know why you don’t get the peanut ones, they are so much better.”
She snagged the bowl before his fingers could fish one out and pulled it to her chest protectively. “People have peanut allergies, Castle.” She glanced around again and then lowered her voice, leaning into him. “What are you doing here?”
“I told you,” he said, looking heartbroken that his chocolate opportunity was now out of his reach. “I had a great time in the Hamptons and I wanted to tell you all about it. There was this movie star renting the house next door, you know, that guy from-”
“You can’t just disappear for a month and come waltzing back into my life whenever it’s convenient for you.”
That gave him pause. His eyes went through a series of emotions that she could read like one of his books - surprise, then concern, then hurt, then confusion. Then it was his turn to look around and then lower his voice.
“Last time I checked, Beckett, you were the one that kicked me out.”
She was speechless. He was right, though. She had pushed him away, as much of a mistake as it may have been; not the other way around. He had told her he wouldn’t wait forever, and she had led him along anyway. What the hell did she expect?
Kate shook her head and set her bowl back on her desk. “I can’t do this right now, I’ve got work to do.” She turned back to her paperwork, the loudest indicator that she could find to tell him it was time to clear out. But she watched him out of the corner of her eye, and he didn’t budge. “Castle...”
“You are the strongest woman I know,” Castle told her. She looked up at him, her face wrought with confusion. “That’s why I can’t figure out what you’re so afraid of.”
He stood up and walked to the elevator. Beckett stared down at the files on her desk. Her life, suddenly, seemed to amount to so little. An outdated vendetta, a couple of scars, a dog with no name and a pile of paperwork that would never, ever go away. The only thing she had that meant anything was the man getting ready to walk out the door. The only man who had ever been strong enough to hit the wall that wouldn’t fall, over and over and over again.
She wanted to think it was stupid, but really, she thought it was kind of brave.
Impulsively, she pushed herself out of her chair and sprinted to the elevator, catching it just before the doors slid shut. She pushed with all of her might.
“Come over tonight.” She forced the words out, and they weren’t a request. “No wine, no gifts. Just you and me and if you promise to listen, I’ll tell you the truth.”
Castle’s eyes were wide. He nodded obediently. “I’ll be there.”
Kate stepped back and stood there, holding his gaze until the doors closed between them.
***
She cleaned. She took a shower. She brushed the dog. She fiddled with the hem of her shirt, all while waiting for the knock on the door.
And when it finally came, it took her until the second knock to move again.
Kate opened the door, and Castle stood in front of her. His face was blank, and he was wearing a different outfit than he’d worn to the precinct. Thankfully, as she had asked, his hands were empty.
She stepped back and gestured into her apartment, and Castle walked through the door. She shut it and locked the dead bolt, hovering for a moment before she turned around.
He was staring at her. His eyes were filled with adoration, and love, and she honestly could not understand how anyone could look at anything so broken like it was beautiful.
The night they were together came flooding back like a punch to the stomach. The wine had made her dizzy and courageous, and she had kissed him. He’d held her cheeks, letting her set the pace, and every move they made was met with a look in his eyes that asked “Are you sure?” And she’d kept pushing, the way she always did. Like in the gym, whether she was sparring or just taking out her daily aggressions on the kickboxing bag, she pushed. Until she was light headed and panting and so tired she could barely move, and when she reached that point, she pushed harder.
Castle had spent a long time being the bag, and that night, she wanted to push herself in a way that would mean more than just playful words and cryptic looks across crowded rooms.
Her shirt had been the last thing to come off, because she hadn’t wanted him to see the scar. It was the only time he had pushed back the whole night, forcing her to expose herself fully to him. He’d ran his fingers over the mottled skin, and she had thought, for an instant, he might cry. It was her scar, but for that moment, it was a part of him too. Her heart hadn’t been the only heart damaged when that bullet ripped through her chest that day in the graveyard. She forgot that, usually. The forgot that just because his scars were invisible didn’t mean they weren’t there.
Castle broke her reverie after a long moment. “Kate...”
She held up her hand, silencing him. His mouth closed and he nodded in understanding. He had promised to listen, and he was a man of his word.
“I lied to you, Rick,” she told him. She opened her mouth to continue, just as the dog bounded out of the room and straight to Castle. Startled, Castle looked to her for direction and she nodded. He bent down and scooped the over-sized puppy into his arms, and his face was alight with a smile that began to stitch together her broken heart.
With the dog receiving affections, the tone of the room went back to stoic, and Kate swallowed. She wasn’t sure anymore if she had the strength.
“Go on. Whatever it is, just tell me,” he said.
“I... I lied to you. About remembering. I lied to everyone because I thought if no one knew I remembered, then I wouldn’t have to.”
Castle’s face crumpled into understanding, but he stood his ground. He stayed quiet.
“I don’t expect you to still mean it, even if you did at the time. I was dying and thinking about what you had said... I was just too much for me, Castle. I was falling apart and the last thought I had before I died was that I knew you loved me. And I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want to hear you say you had changed your mind.”
She couldn’t look at him anymore, and she tried to draw her eyes away but the look on his face scared her. Kate couldn’t decipher if he was angry or sad or bitter or just still confused. Carefully, he set the dog on the ground and walked up to her, filling the long space between them with a few deft strides.
“I love you, Kate,” he told her. His voice was, somehow, even and strong. She didn’t know how he did it. “I love you. Yeah, sure, you have a history. You have baggage even I can’t understand but that is one of the reasons I fell in love with you. These ghosts follow you around everywhere and you can still get up in the morning and look them in the eye.” He moved closer, invading her personal space and staring her down. “I don’t expect anything. I don’t expect you to say it back or marry me or ride off into the sunset with me. All I want is for you to let me love you. But you know what I think? I think you believe love is a weakness and you’re too strong to let it in.”
The last time he had caught her off guard like this, she had been angry. She’d made him leave, far too afraid to admit that he had seen right through her. She was convinced that the person he saw wasn’t who she really was, and if she cut him out of her life, she could pretend his Kate Beckett didn’t exist.
But it didn’t work that way. Maybe he didn’t exactly see the person that she was, but he could certainly see the person she wanted to be. Kate moved to him, filling in the space between them and taking his hand. “I’m ready to try.”
Somehow, that seemed to be enough for him. He led her to the couch and they sat down, and soon enough, the dog was up in Castle’s face and licking his chin again, and Kate was smiling.
“Awwwe, good boy,” Castle cooed. “You missed me, didn’t you, Henry?”
Kate’s smile dropped. “I... Decided against Henry.”
Bewildered, Castle stared at the dog. “Rowdy?”
“Nope.”
“What did you go with?”
Embarrassed, Kate stared at her hands. “He doesn’t have a name yet.”
“Oh, the poor boy needs a name, Kate. Why haven’t you named him yet?”
She bit her lip and looked at Castle. “I think we were waiting for you.”
They spent the evening discussing names for dogs, cases Kate had worked on over the month, and Castle’s strange adventure with what’s-his-face from a movie she never actually saw. There was no wine, or presents, or incentives. It was just her and him, and a puppy in between. Castle held the puppy in his arms, teasing him with playful movements which made the dog bark and wag his tail so hard he almost fell off the couch twice. Kate was sure she had never laughed so hard in her life, watching them play. And as she did, the puppy turned to look at her with tender adoration. She saw in those brown eyes the promise of an endless trust that could never be broken.
When she looked up at Castle, she saw the same look in his eyes. She could almost see her reflection and for a moment, she saw exactly what he saw whenever he looked at her. She could see someone broken, but beautiful. And for just long enough, she saw herself as someone worthy of the devotion that shined in two sets of innocent, loving eyes.
Later that night, Kate Beckett kissed Richard Castle again. And again.
***
He shifted on the bed and it woke her. The sunlight was beginning to stream through the window. At her feet, there was more movement, punctuated by a puppy snoring.
Kate turned her head, tangled up in her sheets with Rick pressed against her. His chest was warm, and she tucked her head under his chin. He muttered something she couldn’t make out, but it made her smile, because she was sure he said her name.
It was Thursday, and one glance at the clock made her realize she was already late to work. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest relaxed her, and she closed her eyes once again. It was morning, and she had a dog with a name curled up at her feet, and she was being cradled by arms strong enough to break down walls. There was a pile of paperwork and an outdated vendetta waiting for her at work, but work could wait.
Castle stirred again, and she adjusted herself so she could look at his face. His bleary eyes opened, and he smiled in a manner that was so dopey it made her laugh.
“Oh, you’re still here,” he teased.
“Good morning, Rick,” she whispered.
“Good morning, Kate,” he replied.
Castle moved as if to get out of bed, but she clung to him, making him stay in place. He glanced at the clock. “We’re late.”
“I know,” she said. “Let’s not get up just yet.”
He stroked her tangled hair from her face and looked into her eyes. Then he settled back onto the pillow and let his eyes flutter shut again. “You know why I really fell in love with you?” he asked.
She scrunched up her nose, her silence serving as her response.
“Because you’re tall,” he said.
Kate smiled and rested her head back against his shoulder. She was living in the moment, and even the thought of her boss’ steely glare when she wandered in later at work wasn’t enough to wash away the warmth of his body against hers. All that mattered was that moment, the moment where she could be simple and naked and just her damaged self. The moment where she could be weak enough finally let someone love her. The moment that could just be.
She thought she should feel stupid. But, really, she just felt brave.