OH HAY 2006! SUP?
I have come to the conclusion that New Year's, without a doubt, is the most depressing holiday of the year. Each time it rears its ugly head, you are faced with how much of a worthless failure you are whilst compiling a lengthy list of resolutions supposedly aimed to change your numerous faults.
I have yet to meet a person who takes New Year's resolutions seriously. Resolutions are kind of like Prozac, they temporarily make you feel better about yourself. After all, as we all know, everyone's resolutions are broken by mid-January (and those are the determined ones; everyone else gives up around January third or so). By making tough New Year's resolutions, you are only lying to yourself. What's that? You vowed that you wouldn't lie at all this year? Too bad, buddy. You just broke your first resolution. Oh snap!
I've never understood those who use the coming of the new year as a tool to get motivated. For 364 days of the year, everyone is completely lazy and unmotivated. However, when the earth comes close to finishing its rotation around the sun, as if controlled by some supernatural force, every human being on the face of the planet sets their brain on the "I am oh so motivated and determined this year" mindset. I am beginning to believe that there is some genetic mutation found only in humans that causes this strange phenomenon. In fact, that sounds like quite the scientific experiment. I wonder how much cash I could pocket by submitting that theory to some hoity-toity psychology organization.
For those of you still filled with the insatiable urge to put together that list, don't put an overwhelming amount of hard-to-achieve goals. Having trouble getting past "Hit that gym up and stop being such a lazy fatass"? Fear not! For I have the solution. Here is a list of resolutions so easy that even a "special" individual could complete it:
Sorry kids, only four suggestions this year. I don't want to press any of you too hard.
I have yet to meet a person who takes New Year's resolutions seriously. Resolutions are kind of like Prozac, they temporarily make you feel better about yourself. After all, as we all know, everyone's resolutions are broken by mid-January (and those are the determined ones; everyone else gives up around January third or so). By making tough New Year's resolutions, you are only lying to yourself. What's that? You vowed that you wouldn't lie at all this year? Too bad, buddy. You just broke your first resolution. Oh snap!
I've never understood those who use the coming of the new year as a tool to get motivated. For 364 days of the year, everyone is completely lazy and unmotivated. However, when the earth comes close to finishing its rotation around the sun, as if controlled by some supernatural force, every human being on the face of the planet sets their brain on the "I am oh so motivated and determined this year" mindset. I am beginning to believe that there is some genetic mutation found only in humans that causes this strange phenomenon. In fact, that sounds like quite the scientific experiment. I wonder how much cash I could pocket by submitting that theory to some hoity-toity psychology organization.
For those of you still filled with the insatiable urge to put together that list, don't put an overwhelming amount of hard-to-achieve goals. Having trouble getting past "Hit that gym up and stop being such a lazy fatass"? Fear not! For I have the solution. Here is a list of resolutions so easy that even a "special" individual could complete it:
- Give birth/father at least one (1) illegitimate child. Make an appointment to appear on the Maury show for a free paternity test. In addition, you get money for your five minutes of soap opera-esque fame. Don't want the kid? Don't worry, just put that bastard up for adoption. Angelina Jolie will be sure to pick it up sometime in the near future.
- Eat vast quantities of fast food in order to pack on those pounds. If you're lucky enough, you'll become so walrus-like that, in the eyes of the government, you'll be considered "disabled". Enjoy the advantages of handicapped parking and less work days, fatty.
- Squander the majority of every paycheck you own on frivolous purchases. Don't save any amount of money!
- Keep that stressful, minimum-wage job of yours. Wouldn't want to leave any opportunities open for those illegal immigrants, would you?
Sorry kids, only four suggestions this year. I don't want to press any of you too hard.