"if you were a hobbit, you would be Douche Baggins."
prejudice and class-consciousness in Critical Theory (class)
from a hard-hitting, break-time discussion between Max, The Kid Who Draws On His Pants, and My Best Friend Forever, Matt LaStar:
MTKWDOHP (to MBFFML): hey, man, you're a really funny guy.
MBFFML: are you being serious?
MTKWDOHP: shit yeah.
MBFFML: oh, hey-- well-- thanks.
MTKWDOHO: yeah. i thought this class was just gonna be full of humorless douchebags. like, (gesturing towards classmates) well, like it is.
(beat. to classmates:) no offense.
130 Random Questions
When was the last time you cried?: last week. robbie and i were having a fight. i cry when i'm being an asshole.
Have you ever faked sick?: oh, fuck yeah.
What was the last lie you said?: "no thanks. i'm not hungry; i had a really big breakfast."
Have you ever cried during a movie?: just about every movie. and some commercials.
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?: my HPS instructor. she's gorgeous, and today she was wearing a mesmorizing paisley shirt.
Have you ever danced in the rain?: yes. take note, i have also sung in the rain.
Have you ever been drunk?: only a wee bit.
Have you ever tried tried drugs?: nothing serious. nothing that worked.
Do you smoke?: no. blech.
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?: i climbed in a tree and acted like a monkey, in front of the whole Instituto Cultural Oaxaca.
What is your full name?: Helen Franklin Delano Herbst
What is your blood-type?: 0+. i'm a type-O hero!
Have you ever been in a car accident?: a minor one. with jenni. and jason mraz.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?: "received"? haha. about 14, i guess.
Who was your first kiss?: matt warnock, officially.
Have you ever had an online relationship?: with people i also have offline relationships with, yeah.
Have you ever had phone-sex?: um...
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?: yeah, but it was tommy mcnulty, so it doesn't count.
What is your favourite sport to play?: badminton. YES!
Have you ever made a prank phone call?: yeah. sorry, leo.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?: yeah to that too. whoops.
What's your favourite childhood memory?: watching the little mermaid over and over again.
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?: more things i haven't done.
What do you want to be when you grow up?: internationally recognized as totally awesome.
What is your political persuassion?: i throw pies at ann coulter.
Have you ever had cybersex?: no, but i did have the song "digital get-down" stuck in my head this morning, for some reason.
Do you believe in g-d?: certainly.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: mostly no.
Do you believe in karma?: mostly yes.
Who was your first crush?: brett edeker. and i've loved gay guys ever since.
Who do yo uhave a crush on?: billy pilgrim.
How would you describe yourself?: almost as awesome as theresa.
What are you afraid of?: children, uncovered pillows, loose dog hair.
Are you religious?: internally. that's a cop-out, i know, but i'm working on it.
What does your screen name mean?: something dumb. i was nelliebean for a long time. all the good names were taken, you know.
What person do you trust the most?: robbie.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: also matt warnock.
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?: "what are you? like, 90 pounds?"
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?: "she said she can't hang out with you anymore, because you're hurting her reputation."
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?: i dated mattie for nearly two years. i had a crush on him for nearly two years before that.
What is your greatest strength?: grammar. sad.
What is your greatest weakness?: anything physical. ooh! or emotional. ...hm. basically, anything that's not grammar.
What is your perfect pizza?: pepperoni (and maybe spinach, depending on where the pizza comes from).
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?: "how much time can i allot for my shower this morning?"
What is your first thought before you go to bed?: "damnit. in eight hours, i'll have to allot shower time again."
What college do you want to go to?: KSU
Do you get along with your family?: very much so.
Do you play any instruments?: i can pretend-play the guitar, the flute, and the keyboard, but i'm a master of kazoo.
What kind of music do you like?: the good kind.
Do you think you're attractive?: usually.
Would you ever get a tattoo?: yeah, but i need some ideas.
How many piercings do you have?: one in each ear.
Who makes you laugh?: colin mochrie and me.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?: beck, as long as he doesn't go into any of that scientology crap.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: in a casket. and in pictures.
Do you have a celebrity crush?: yes. on the whole c-list.
What is one thing scientists should invent?: dream recorder. do it.
Have you ever broken a bone?: yes. but don't think i was actually doing anything active. i fell off the couch.
What happens after you die?: after you die, i get your stereo and/or comic book collection.
Do you watch or read the news?: daily (show).
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?: one of those self-important english-major types.
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?: possibly. you tell me.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?: i probably wouldn't, but if had to, maybe nell or magda.
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go: i'd stay right here, thanks.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: tummy.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: nope.
Have you ever played strip poker?: ooh, not yet.
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?: definitely.
What do you want your friends to think about you?: that i'm the coolest person in the whole world.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?: why? you wanna start something?
HAve you ever bitten someone?: not a stranger.
When's your birthday?: 4/20
Have you ever stolen anything?: nothing with a retail price on it.
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?: i don't see shooting stars.
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?: the krystal mix 'n' match combo. dang.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?: the day (and moment) i decided to fill out this survey.
Do you remember your dreams?: if i wake up soon after them. and if james van der beek catches fire in them.
Have you ever been in love?: oh, yes. look at me; i'm glowing.
Are you a morning person or a night person?: mornin'
Do you have any phobias?: didn't we already have this question? chillins.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?: oh, some joke, i'm sure.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?: yes.
How many screen names do you have?: one.
Do any medical problems run in your family?: diabetes, cancer, altzheimer's, peripheral neuropathy, nearsightedness...
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?: not that i know of.
Have you ever had a nightmare?: who hasn't?
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?: enemies?
Would you ever participate in a threesome?: maybe, but only with complete strangers. actually. no, probably not.
Would you ever pay for a prostititue?: no, but i would accept money.
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?: yeah.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?: never.
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: only a wee bit (get it? wee!!!)
Have you ever written a love letter?: yes, but i've never delivered one.
Have you ever attempted suicide?: according to my medical records.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: i guess boxers, but i like boxer-briefs, too.
Have you ever been in a fistfight?: goodness, no.
Do you have any hidden talents?: sure.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?: i make AWESOME vocab cards.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?: "isn't it true that you don't make awesome vocab cards?"
Do you usually prefer books or movies?: both. i need both.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?: any english major. oh, and robbie.
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad?: flansburgh and linnell.
Would you ever have sex before marriage?: can't really take it back now.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: robbie.
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of?: reply hazy. ask again later.
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?: depends on the context or programme.
Have you ever gotten detention?: and ISS. and saturday school.
How do you vent your anger?: weeping. alone.
Have you ever been on a diet?: listen here. ANYTHING YOU EAT CONSTITUTES A DIET. so yes.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?: i've done both, so yes, i guess.
Is your best friend a virgin?: i don't think i know any virgins.
What's a rumor someone has spread about you?: that i had sex with stephen jones. ...you know who started that rumor? stephen jones.
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing?: a girl. heehee.
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you?: said they were dying to get in my pants (hot though they are).
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?: changed my life.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?: self-diagnosed.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?: ...yeah.
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?: no!
Have you ever hated someone?: not really.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?: online.
Do you consider yourself popular?: with my friends, yeah. in college, there is no "popular."
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?: can't.
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?: yeah.
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?: nah.
What is your favourite book?: a tie: the princess bride and the sirens of titan.
Do you have a collection of anything?: barbies, sailor moon merch., titanic (movie) memorabilia, books, movies, clocks.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?: oh yes.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?: for the most part.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?: striving.
Are you happy with the life you have?: i consider myself a very lucky person. and sentimental. X-P
the magazine is nearly ready.
(curtain)
from a hard-hitting, break-time discussion between Max, The Kid Who Draws On His Pants, and My Best Friend Forever, Matt LaStar:
MTKWDOHP (to MBFFML): hey, man, you're a really funny guy.
MBFFML: are you being serious?
MTKWDOHP: shit yeah.
MBFFML: oh, hey-- well-- thanks.
MTKWDOHO: yeah. i thought this class was just gonna be full of humorless douchebags. like, (gesturing towards classmates) well, like it is.
(beat. to classmates:) no offense.
130 Random Questions
When was the last time you cried?: last week. robbie and i were having a fight. i cry when i'm being an asshole.
Have you ever faked sick?: oh, fuck yeah.
What was the last lie you said?: "no thanks. i'm not hungry; i had a really big breakfast."
Have you ever cried during a movie?: just about every movie. and some commercials.
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?: my HPS instructor. she's gorgeous, and today she was wearing a mesmorizing paisley shirt.
Have you ever danced in the rain?: yes. take note, i have also sung in the rain.
Have you ever been drunk?: only a wee bit.
Have you ever tried tried drugs?: nothing serious. nothing that worked.
Do you smoke?: no. blech.
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?: i climbed in a tree and acted like a monkey, in front of the whole Instituto Cultural Oaxaca.
What is your full name?: Helen Franklin Delano Herbst
What is your blood-type?: 0+. i'm a type-O hero!
Have you ever been in a car accident?: a minor one. with jenni. and jason mraz.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?: "received"? haha. about 14, i guess.
Who was your first kiss?: matt warnock, officially.
Have you ever had an online relationship?: with people i also have offline relationships with, yeah.
Have you ever had phone-sex?: um...
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?: yeah, but it was tommy mcnulty, so it doesn't count.
What is your favourite sport to play?: badminton. YES!
Have you ever made a prank phone call?: yeah. sorry, leo.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?: yeah to that too. whoops.
What's your favourite childhood memory?: watching the little mermaid over and over again.
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?: more things i haven't done.
What do you want to be when you grow up?: internationally recognized as totally awesome.
What is your political persuassion?: i throw pies at ann coulter.
Have you ever had cybersex?: no, but i did have the song "digital get-down" stuck in my head this morning, for some reason.
Do you believe in g-d?: certainly.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: mostly no.
Do you believe in karma?: mostly yes.
Who was your first crush?: brett edeker. and i've loved gay guys ever since.
Who do yo uhave a crush on?: billy pilgrim.
How would you describe yourself?: almost as awesome as theresa.
What are you afraid of?: children, uncovered pillows, loose dog hair.
Are you religious?: internally. that's a cop-out, i know, but i'm working on it.
What does your screen name mean?: something dumb. i was nelliebean for a long time. all the good names were taken, you know.
What person do you trust the most?: robbie.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: also matt warnock.
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?: "what are you? like, 90 pounds?"
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?: "she said she can't hang out with you anymore, because you're hurting her reputation."
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?: i dated mattie for nearly two years. i had a crush on him for nearly two years before that.
What is your greatest strength?: grammar. sad.
What is your greatest weakness?: anything physical. ooh! or emotional. ...hm. basically, anything that's not grammar.
What is your perfect pizza?: pepperoni (and maybe spinach, depending on where the pizza comes from).
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?: "how much time can i allot for my shower this morning?"
What is your first thought before you go to bed?: "damnit. in eight hours, i'll have to allot shower time again."
What college do you want to go to?: KSU
Do you get along with your family?: very much so.
Do you play any instruments?: i can pretend-play the guitar, the flute, and the keyboard, but i'm a master of kazoo.
What kind of music do you like?: the good kind.
Do you think you're attractive?: usually.
Would you ever get a tattoo?: yeah, but i need some ideas.
How many piercings do you have?: one in each ear.
Who makes you laugh?: colin mochrie and me.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?: beck, as long as he doesn't go into any of that scientology crap.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: in a casket. and in pictures.
Do you have a celebrity crush?: yes. on the whole c-list.
What is one thing scientists should invent?: dream recorder. do it.
Have you ever broken a bone?: yes. but don't think i was actually doing anything active. i fell off the couch.
What happens after you die?: after you die, i get your stereo and/or comic book collection.
Do you watch or read the news?: daily (show).
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?: one of those self-important english-major types.
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?: possibly. you tell me.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?: i probably wouldn't, but if had to, maybe nell or magda.
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go: i'd stay right here, thanks.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: tummy.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: nope.
Have you ever played strip poker?: ooh, not yet.
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?: definitely.
What do you want your friends to think about you?: that i'm the coolest person in the whole world.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?: why? you wanna start something?
HAve you ever bitten someone?: not a stranger.
When's your birthday?: 4/20
Have you ever stolen anything?: nothing with a retail price on it.
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?: i don't see shooting stars.
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?: the krystal mix 'n' match combo. dang.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?: the day (and moment) i decided to fill out this survey.
Do you remember your dreams?: if i wake up soon after them. and if james van der beek catches fire in them.
Have you ever been in love?: oh, yes. look at me; i'm glowing.
Are you a morning person or a night person?: mornin'
Do you have any phobias?: didn't we already have this question? chillins.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?: oh, some joke, i'm sure.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)?: yes.
How many screen names do you have?: one.
Do any medical problems run in your family?: diabetes, cancer, altzheimer's, peripheral neuropathy, nearsightedness...
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?: not that i know of.
Have you ever had a nightmare?: who hasn't?
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?: enemies?
Would you ever participate in a threesome?: maybe, but only with complete strangers. actually. no, probably not.
Would you ever pay for a prostititue?: no, but i would accept money.
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?: yeah.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?: never.
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: only a wee bit (get it? wee!!!)
Have you ever written a love letter?: yes, but i've never delivered one.
Have you ever attempted suicide?: according to my medical records.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: i guess boxers, but i like boxer-briefs, too.
Have you ever been in a fistfight?: goodness, no.
Do you have any hidden talents?: sure.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?: i make AWESOME vocab cards.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?: "isn't it true that you don't make awesome vocab cards?"
Do you usually prefer books or movies?: both. i need both.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?: any english major. oh, and robbie.
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad?: flansburgh and linnell.
Would you ever have sex before marriage?: can't really take it back now.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: robbie.
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of?: reply hazy. ask again later.
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?: depends on the context or programme.
Have you ever gotten detention?: and ISS. and saturday school.
How do you vent your anger?: weeping. alone.
Have you ever been on a diet?: listen here. ANYTHING YOU EAT CONSTITUTES A DIET. so yes.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?: i've done both, so yes, i guess.
Is your best friend a virgin?: i don't think i know any virgins.
What's a rumor someone has spread about you?: that i had sex with stephen jones. ...you know who started that rumor? stephen jones.
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing?: a girl. heehee.
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you?: said they were dying to get in my pants (hot though they are).
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?: changed my life.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?: self-diagnosed.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?: ...yeah.
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?: no!
Have you ever hated someone?: not really.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?: online.
Do you consider yourself popular?: with my friends, yeah. in college, there is no "popular."
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?: can't.
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?: yeah.
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?: nah.
What is your favourite book?: a tie: the princess bride and the sirens of titan.
Do you have a collection of anything?: barbies, sailor moon merch., titanic (movie) memorabilia, books, movies, clocks.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?: oh yes.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?: for the most part.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?: striving.
Are you happy with the life you have?: i consider myself a very lucky person. and sentimental. X-P
the magazine is nearly ready.
(curtain)