(no subject)
I'm not locking this. It's on purpose this time.
Since I've had time to think I hope I can contain myself from saying anything too vicious. So it will be okay for anyone (....just not mom) to read.
So I have semi-calmed myself down enough to type this out. And then follow it up with rational....or at least somewhat rational thought.
Okay, so....
I don't fully understand whats going on. I really wish I did because then maybe I wouldn't feel like someone's stabbing me in the stomach each time I see him. I don't understand how he could love me, and I don't understand why even if he doesn't he would say it anyhow. Because it makes things harder. Seeing the two of them together actually, literally makes me shake. He doesn't acknowledge me, and it hurts...alot. (alot). The worst of it is that he gave me the hope that this can be salvaged. He said he thought he'd come back to me, but I'd have to say no. I'd never say no. That's so pathetic -speaking of pathetic..."For the Longest Time" came on the radio and I started sobbing- and awful... but it would take alot more than this to make me say no. He told me not to wait, but of course I'm going to wait. I'll wait as long as I have to. It's not like I'm going to automatically decide I don't love him just because he cheated on me, then broke up with me. Is it bad that it makes me love him more? As I said pathetic. It was so strange that as soon as i started showing him how much I love him.... 2 weeks later he starts pulling away from me. I used to have to shove him away from me, and now he doesn't even want to be near me. Any shread of self worth, or self esteem I had left is completely destroyed. I know I'll never be what she is. And maybe that's the problem. I was most likely just some sort of rebound gone awry. Like he said.. it's been 6 months.... and that's the longest relationship he's ever been in. I mean... it's clearly the longest/only one I've ever been in as well....but, whatever. Maybe it just was too overwhelming. I just wanted to help him... I didn't mean to stress him out. I just love that he'll drop me after all the thing he said to me. All the "I love you"s, and "Hey Beautiful"s. All of it was too good to be true. He said he wouldn't abandon her. And he didn't... he was willing to abandon me just to keep to that. I don't understand. I just want to know where I stand. I don't know if he really is doing this because he thinks he's hurting me, or if it's just an excuse to go screw her guilt free. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to him... or be around. I feel like the crazy obsessive ex who can't get over it. And I really don't want to be that. So maybe I should just stop now. I just want him, and miss him so much.
Since I've had time to think I hope I can contain myself from saying anything too vicious. So it will be okay for anyone (....just not mom) to read.
So I have semi-calmed myself down enough to type this out. And then follow it up with rational....or at least somewhat rational thought.
Okay, so....
I don't fully understand whats going on. I really wish I did because then maybe I wouldn't feel like someone's stabbing me in the stomach each time I see him. I don't understand how he could love me, and I don't understand why even if he doesn't he would say it anyhow. Because it makes things harder. Seeing the two of them together actually, literally makes me shake. He doesn't acknowledge me, and it hurts...alot. (alot). The worst of it is that he gave me the hope that this can be salvaged. He said he thought he'd come back to me, but I'd have to say no. I'd never say no. That's so pathetic -speaking of pathetic..."For the Longest Time" came on the radio and I started sobbing- and awful... but it would take alot more than this to make me say no. He told me not to wait, but of course I'm going to wait. I'll wait as long as I have to. It's not like I'm going to automatically decide I don't love him just because he cheated on me, then broke up with me. Is it bad that it makes me love him more? As I said pathetic. It was so strange that as soon as i started showing him how much I love him.... 2 weeks later he starts pulling away from me. I used to have to shove him away from me, and now he doesn't even want to be near me. Any shread of self worth, or self esteem I had left is completely destroyed. I know I'll never be what she is. And maybe that's the problem. I was most likely just some sort of rebound gone awry. Like he said.. it's been 6 months.... and that's the longest relationship he's ever been in. I mean... it's clearly the longest/only one I've ever been in as well....but, whatever. Maybe it just was too overwhelming. I just wanted to help him... I didn't mean to stress him out. I just love that he'll drop me after all the thing he said to me. All the "I love you"s, and "Hey Beautiful"s. All of it was too good to be true. He said he wouldn't abandon her. And he didn't... he was willing to abandon me just to keep to that. I don't understand. I just want to know where I stand. I don't know if he really is doing this because he thinks he's hurting me, or if it's just an excuse to go screw her guilt free. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk to him... or be around. I feel like the crazy obsessive ex who can't get over it. And I really don't want to be that. So maybe I should just stop now. I just want him, and miss him so much.