Closing one door, so another one remains open...
After much contemplation, I have declined the offer for le grande porn shoot.
Understand that I have not just turned down one shoot, I have basically closed the door on a career. My foot was kind of already creeping in the door, but I would have gone through the door with this shoot...maybe it would have worked out, maybe it wouldn't have, but like mainstream movies, you pretty much get a big break ONCE and only once...and with porn, that is particularly true, because as you grow older, you expire, and suddenly you're too old to get a chance like that.
Although I am totally thrilled with BEING in porn...my goal has always been to transition into directing. I wanted to make stuff that was actually GOOD, like when I watch Jack the Zipper's stuff and it's more brilliant and artistic than most of what I see in the regular movie theatres. It is pretty damn common for porn stars, even non-famous ones, to move in to other aspects of the industry, and further, since I'm male and not female, my life span for doing porn as long as I keep myself is a lot longer than my female companions.
I mean, it very well could have led to nothing but one amazing experience and DVD memento. (Pick your 6 favorite porn stars for fuck's sake!!!) But that's not too shabby, and further, there was a good chance, it would lead to what I've always wanted...career satisfaction, fame, money, the kind of lifestyle (granted, in a questionable industry to most people) that make me salivate to the point of drooling like a dog on methadone.
But the catch is that my porn dabbling makes Neil very unhappy. And that makes me unhappy. And I want to make Neil happy, and I want to make myself happy.
Neil does SO much for me. I'm not even talking about the fact that he helps support me, since disability pays next to nothing. I'm talking about everything little to big, all the things he does and says and thinks about and plans to make me happy. Of course, I do everything I can to make him happy...but this was the one thing I wasn't doing. And it was kind of a big thing.
And it's hard...because while I have a future with Neil, in a way I don't. It will always be an open relationship. I am as convinced that he will not leave his partner, as I am convinced he will not leave me. I always doubt it, and am afraid I will fuck things up, or he will somehow move on, but he always, always, ALWAYS proves me wrong.
And even though, I am living below the poverty line, I still can afford nice things when I really want them (I don't have a car, so this helps)...my debt is declining more and more as time goes by...and I fucking travel around like I'm a jetsetter.
I may not be rich, I may not be famous, I may not have the career I want, but I have a life that is good, and a fucking amazing person to share it with.
And you know what I decided??? That's enough.
Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe Neil and I will break up. Maybe Neil will pass away, I mean, he is obviously much older than me, so that's not exactly unrealistic.
I have a solo shoot I am supposed to be scheduled for, that Neil is actually fine with, and that pays insanely well. But that's probably going to be my last hurrah.
This is my life now. And this is the life I choose. And Neil is the person that I want to share it with, and Neil is worth the price of giving up a dream.
Understand that I have not just turned down one shoot, I have basically closed the door on a career. My foot was kind of already creeping in the door, but I would have gone through the door with this shoot...maybe it would have worked out, maybe it wouldn't have, but like mainstream movies, you pretty much get a big break ONCE and only once...and with porn, that is particularly true, because as you grow older, you expire, and suddenly you're too old to get a chance like that.
Although I am totally thrilled with BEING in porn...my goal has always been to transition into directing. I wanted to make stuff that was actually GOOD, like when I watch Jack the Zipper's stuff and it's more brilliant and artistic than most of what I see in the regular movie theatres. It is pretty damn common for porn stars, even non-famous ones, to move in to other aspects of the industry, and further, since I'm male and not female, my life span for doing porn as long as I keep myself is a lot longer than my female companions.
I mean, it very well could have led to nothing but one amazing experience and DVD memento. (Pick your 6 favorite porn stars for fuck's sake!!!) But that's not too shabby, and further, there was a good chance, it would lead to what I've always wanted...career satisfaction, fame, money, the kind of lifestyle (granted, in a questionable industry to most people) that make me salivate to the point of drooling like a dog on methadone.
But the catch is that my porn dabbling makes Neil very unhappy. And that makes me unhappy. And I want to make Neil happy, and I want to make myself happy.
Neil does SO much for me. I'm not even talking about the fact that he helps support me, since disability pays next to nothing. I'm talking about everything little to big, all the things he does and says and thinks about and plans to make me happy. Of course, I do everything I can to make him happy...but this was the one thing I wasn't doing. And it was kind of a big thing.
And it's hard...because while I have a future with Neil, in a way I don't. It will always be an open relationship. I am as convinced that he will not leave his partner, as I am convinced he will not leave me. I always doubt it, and am afraid I will fuck things up, or he will somehow move on, but he always, always, ALWAYS proves me wrong.
And even though, I am living below the poverty line, I still can afford nice things when I really want them (I don't have a car, so this helps)...my debt is declining more and more as time goes by...and I fucking travel around like I'm a jetsetter.
I may not be rich, I may not be famous, I may not have the career I want, but I have a life that is good, and a fucking amazing person to share it with.
And you know what I decided??? That's enough.
Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe Neil and I will break up. Maybe Neil will pass away, I mean, he is obviously much older than me, so that's not exactly unrealistic.
I have a solo shoot I am supposed to be scheduled for, that Neil is actually fine with, and that pays insanely well. But that's probably going to be my last hurrah.
This is my life now. And this is the life I choose. And Neil is the person that I want to share it with, and Neil is worth the price of giving up a dream.