PLACE HOLDER
I got to thinking about how my slot in the system is a "place holder." This idea has been turning over and over in my head for a while. I wanted to get it organized so that my thoughts made some kind of sense.
If we look at what we know about our life, what was done to us, as well as what we did to preserve as a human being, that brings us to decades of 'doing' without any real focus or purpose. We stepped onto the D-train, even dissociated being multiple for a good bit of that time, and while that was happening, I held our place.
I took front and held up what looked like a life. It wasn't really, but it had all the markers of a life. All those milestones that folks talk about passing in adulthood. The thing was not one of us really experienced them. They just slid by in a blur of doing, not emotionless or totally mechanical but not present either. It's as tho we were always in the car driving and not realizing we were driving.
For many years I was the key front person for our system. I began to create what I thought was a life. I made friends and lived in the present, or what I thought was the present. Now I realize what I was really doing was being the place holder till we were told what to do. I thought I had free will, that I was in control of myself, of the body, and I probably was/am more then any other person in our system. Still I was not really living my life, you can't live a real life if you have walled off your past (or had it walled off for you). It all sounds so teenage angsty but it's what's begun to surface.
Here we are in therapy, many of us still refusing to step off the D-train, so there needed to be a "place holder" for life. Because someday we'd succeed at death or the system would step up and take it's rightful place at the table of life. All of us present and accounted for in the here and now. Meanwhile, I've been the "place holder" for our system without knowing that's what I was doing. Of course now that I know, I'm having a bit of trouble accepting having been left in the dark and then blindsided. I'd always believed I was on top of things in my own life, I didn't much care what was happening for the others. It really sucks to find out that was all just part of some sick plan to keep us ignorant and shackled. Prisoners of our own mind, not even a collective mind but each of our own individual minds. We were so well separated that no one knew what was happening for nearly 56 years all that time it's been all about "place holding."
Ravin
If we look at what we know about our life, what was done to us, as well as what we did to preserve as a human being, that brings us to decades of 'doing' without any real focus or purpose. We stepped onto the D-train, even dissociated being multiple for a good bit of that time, and while that was happening, I held our place.
I took front and held up what looked like a life. It wasn't really, but it had all the markers of a life. All those milestones that folks talk about passing in adulthood. The thing was not one of us really experienced them. They just slid by in a blur of doing, not emotionless or totally mechanical but not present either. It's as tho we were always in the car driving and not realizing we were driving.
For many years I was the key front person for our system. I began to create what I thought was a life. I made friends and lived in the present, or what I thought was the present. Now I realize what I was really doing was being the place holder till we were told what to do. I thought I had free will, that I was in control of myself, of the body, and I probably was/am more then any other person in our system. Still I was not really living my life, you can't live a real life if you have walled off your past (or had it walled off for you). It all sounds so teenage angsty but it's what's begun to surface.
Here we are in therapy, many of us still refusing to step off the D-train, so there needed to be a "place holder" for life. Because someday we'd succeed at death or the system would step up and take it's rightful place at the table of life. All of us present and accounted for in the here and now. Meanwhile, I've been the "place holder" for our system without knowing that's what I was doing. Of course now that I know, I'm having a bit of trouble accepting having been left in the dark and then blindsided. I'd always believed I was on top of things in my own life, I didn't much care what was happening for the others. It really sucks to find out that was all just part of some sick plan to keep us ignorant and shackled. Prisoners of our own mind, not even a collective mind but each of our own individual minds. We were so well separated that no one knew what was happening for nearly 56 years all that time it's been all about "place holding."
Ravin