(no subject)
Title: Expand, Contract [8a/11]
Author: more_awake
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Character: Mark (and a supporting cast of Archer, Sam, Naomi, and the Oceansiders)
Summary: In the aftermath of Addison's sudden death, Mark is left to grieve and raise their newborn daughter with the help of Addison's brother, friends, and the words she left behind. Set in an AU in which Addison kept the baby and went straight from NYC to LA after leaving Mark instead of taking a year-long detour in Seattle.
Previous chapters: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
]
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapter Eight (Part One)
xx
He enters the house feeling like a zombie, dragging himself through the darkened kitchen to start warming a bottle before heading up the stairs to where his daughter is awake and crying. His jaw is throbbing, his whole head hurts, and he is still reeling from everything that just occurred outside, but Aurora takes priority, and she needs to eat.
It's an odd sensation when he picks her up from her bassinet-almost like an out-of-body experience. He can see when his arms move to lift her, and he can see now that she is situated against his shoulder, but it is as if he is watching from the outside. He doesn't really feel any of it, and when he makes his way back down the stairs with her, he is barely aware that his feet are even touching the ground at all.
He is a terrible person, an awful person, and as Archer's words echo through his head while Aurora eagerly begins to fill her stomach, he feels more disgusted with himself than ever before. What kind of man goes after his best friend's wife? What kind of man tries to convince his pregnant girlfriend that they belong together when he is consistently sleeping with other women behind her back? Someone who has no business having a child. Someone who doesn't deserve any sort of sympathy or forgiveness. Someone who deserves far worse than a quick punch to the face. Archer was right-he isn't selfless, great, or wonderful, and it isn't fair that he gets to see Aurora grow up instead of Addison.
Aurora is perfect. She might be cranky with an upset stomach most of the time, but everything about her is still absolutely perfect. She's just this sweet, innocent little thing who deserves so much more than he alone can give her. He's not that guy. He wants to be, and he has been trying, but it's not enough. He loves her, but taking care of her is more than he bargained for. He also knows that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and with his track record, the odds of him continuing to be the responsible father that he has been over the last six weeks are laughably minuscule. He looks at her, and he hates himself, feeling as though he robbed this little girl of a happy life with a loving mother who would have been an infinitely better parent.
The living room is silent except for Aurora's light sucking noises. Everything is still, and the guilt is overwhelming once again. This is Addison's house, and as far as he is concerned, her blood may as well be on his hands. How can he live here for the next eighteen years? How can he live with himself for the rest of his life? How will he ever be able to look into his daughter's eyes once she is old enough to understand?
Archer brought him back to reality tonight.
He can't do this. He was stupid to think he could.
xx
By the time he has Aurora lounging in her baby swing 45 minutes later, he knows what he has to do. Nearly every last shred of confidence he had in himself when it comes to raising her is gone, and even if he were to manage to change and pull himself together, he will never ever be enough. No matter how hard he tries, and no matter how good he is to her, he will never make up for what he did and what she has lost.
So he pulls out the largest suitcase from underneath his bed and begins to pack, opening dresser drawers and haphazardly tossing everything over his shoulder.
He has to leave, and he has to do it now before he manages to talk himself into staying and inevitably hurting his daughter just as badly as he hurt her mother.
"Hey, I just wanted to-What are you doing?"
He pauses briefly at Naomi's sudden appearance in the doorway but then ignores her and goes right back to business, throwing the last pair of socks out of the dresser, closing the drawer, and moving on to the walk-in closet.
"Mark?"
He grabs an armful of clothes on hangers, but upon turning around, he discovers that she is blocking his way back into the room.
"Mark, what's going on?"
His breath catches in his throat, and he feels sick to his stomach. He hadn't thought far enough ahead as to what he was going to tell his friends, so for a few moments, he just stands there, opening and closing his mouth as he tries to formulate an explanation.
"I can't do it anymore," he finally confesses, voice wavering and fully ashamed of himself as he stares down at the crisp white dress shirt on top of the pile in his arms. "I can't be her dad. I-I don't know what I was thinking, but I can't do this. I'm not ready. I'm not a good guy. I just… can't."
He looks up to see her reaction and finds her shaking her head in open-mouthed disbelief.
"No. Mark, no. Is this about what Archer said? Because he was out of line. He has barely seen you with her. He doesn't know what kind of father you are."
He's the kind of father who forgets his daughter in the car, who can't clip little fingernails, and who can barely take care of the two of them. He doesn't coo at her like Naomi and Maya do, and he doesn't know how to play little games with her like Sam and Cooper do. All he can manage is the bare minimum. Maybe because he just doesn't have the will. Maybe because he just isn't cut out for this.
Also, he misses his old life: freedom, women, sex, and surgery. And what kind of person would even consider those things in a situation like this? Only him.
"Archer knows what a shitty excuse for a person I am in general, though, and as a father, I am mediocre at best."
"So you're just going to pack up and leave in the middle of the night? Do you even realize how irrational that is?" She asks, her voice taking on an increasingly angry tone.
He didn't think his leaving would upset her this much.
"It's not irrational. I wasn't going to leave until morning," he argues feebly, trying to keep his voice down so as not to scare his daughter and wishing that Naomi would just get out of his way. "You'll take her, right? You'll take Aurora?"
"Are you kidding me? No! Absolutely not," she responds incredulously. "You need to stop and think about this for more than just a few minutes, Mark. You can't make a decision like this based on some stupid drunken crap that Archer said."
"Yes, I can, because he was right. You can't deny that. Everything he said was the truth, and I have thought about it," he explains, pausing to compose himself before he turns into a pathetic sobbing mess. "Please," he begs. "You know what you're doing. I trust you. You love her. She would be better off. You know she would be."
"Sam and I are about one argument away from separating for good, so no, actually, she wouldn't be. Aurora would not be better off. Mark, she is your child, and you can't just-"
"I have to," he interrupts as his eyes overflow with hot tears of desperation. He is begging her. "I have to do this because she is my child. Please, Naomi. Please. Just let me go."
She seems to be speechless as her own eyes fill with tears, but then she breathes in roughly through her nose, and her face takes on a look of determination.
"Come out here," she says sternly, stepping aside and pointing to a random spot on the carpet.
"Naomi-"
Before he can even begin to protest, though, she grabs the clothes out of his arms and throws them to the ground.
"No. Come out here, and go sit on the bed. Now."
He stares at her dumbfounded, and when he fails to move, she grabs him by the arm as if he were a child being sent to time-out and directs him to sit next to her on the bed facing Aurora. He is shaking now, his head hurts more than ever, and that nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach is worsening.
"Look at her, Mark. Look at her," she demands pleadingly, motioning to the little girl who is sucking on two of her own tiny fingers while blinking away sleep. "She can't tell you yet, but she loves you. She doesn't know who you used to be or what you have done, and she doesn't care because all she knows is that you have been taking care of her and loving her every single day since you came into her life."
His heart is breaking. Why did this have to happen? Why is all of this so hard? He is so sorry for dragging everyone into this situation, and he wishes so much that there was an easy way out for all of them.
"But she's still young enough that if I leave now, it's not going to traumatize her," he reasons shakily. "She'll be okay."
"But is that something you can live with?"
He doesn't know how he is going to live with himself regardless of what happens. There will be constant crushing guilt no matter what, and he hates that she is trying to use that against him.
"The guilt thing doesn't work on me," he lies while staring at Aurora who is kicking her little feet and has no idea what is going on. "Please don't try to guilt me into this because staying is only going to hurt her. You may not see it now, but-"
"Stop. I'm not trying to guilt you into anything. It's just that you're saying all of these things and making this decision because you regret what happened with Addison."
"I don't want to talk about her. That's-"
"No, listen to me," she says more gently, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing. "You're hurt, and you're not thinking."
He looks over at her in the dim light of the room, and when he speaks, he barely recognizes his own voice. "Don't you realize how hard this is for me? Do you think I want to leave her? Do you think I want her to grow up practically orphaned?"
"Of course not, and that's why I'm not letting you."
"Please, Naomi. Just take care of her for me. She needs a mom, and you're so good with her."
"No. Stop talking. You're staying, Mark, because if you don't-if you leave-you will always regret it on some level, but if you stay, you won't ever regret that. I know you can be a good father to her, and I'm not letting you give up on yourself this soon. We are here for you. You aren't doing this alone, and I know you always feel like you're imposing, but I don't think you realize how much we care about you guys."
He can't look at her.
"I will take her for a week," she continues, "but during that week, I want you to do some serious thinking. Get out of the house for a few days. Go see Violet. Talk to someone who doesn't know you as well as Sam and I do because you aren't in the right state to be thinking this over all by yourself."
He scoffs, "What else is there to think about? I don't need a shrink to tell me that Addison is dead and that I am a fucking awful person."
"Stop arguing, and just humor me, okay? Do it for your daughter. Please. Just take a week."
A week isn't going to change anything, but he agrees because getting Naomi to take Aurora is the first step. He needs to let her go. She deserves better than him.
But he feels so guilty that he can't even kiss his little girl goodbye.
xx
A/N: Okay. Four months between chapters. I suck, I know, but I didn't want to force anything, so it's taken a while. This was part one of this chapter, and part two should follow within the week (once I'm happy-ish with it). I had to split it up so it wasn't like 5000 words. Anyway. I will finish this story. I swear. And I'm cool with just finishing this story for myself just to actually finish it, but I'm hoping someone still remembers/cares what happens. haha. :) Thanks for reading even though it's been like 900 years.