21 weeks
Livejournal says it has been twenty one weeks since I last posted. I must be true because I don't event recognize this posting page.
It's late on a work night and I should be in bed. I don't know why I'm not. I'm tired.
I feel like I've been running to catch a something that is running away with itself. I finally caught up, latched on, and the thing turned to look at me, grinned, and sped up. Now attached to this thing I have no choice but to run faster and faster. I don't want to stop for long, just a little while, just to let me get used to it. I'm afraid I'll forget what it's like to stop.
The quick summary of the last 21 weeks:
* Boss was fired, no new boss defined, work group left in odd state
* In role as pseudo-boss, hired three developers
* Trying to find new office space. Getting cramped.
* Car was totaled (last post), new car
* Had checkbook stolen while at passport office, $11,000 taken
* Went to scotland in June, it was great
* Went to Wisconsin in July for Katie's cousin's wedding
* Started construction project to redo middle floor: dining, kitchen, living room
* Went to Kelly and Mark's Wedding in August
* Finally got bank to deal with stolen checkbook, got back $11,000
* Purchased new appliances
* Purchased and built ikea cabinets for kitchen, book cases, etc.
* Grandmother in hospital for possible stroke
* Had talk with CEO, decided to just become real boss. Start working on fixing issues
* Still trying to find new office space. Getting -really- cramped.
* Dad to doctor for infection in face
* Work team accepts my new "real boss" status
* Grandmother sent home, no stroke, too weak to sit up
* Went to Robin and Doug's wedding in WVA in September
* Dad back to doctor for infection on the other side of his face
* Proposed new direction at work after careful review, was not understood, denied, very stressed
* Managed to hire Shawn as tech writer: thank god.
* Construction on middle floor complete, ended up a 7 week project
* Current plan at work not running as it's supposed to, delays and issues
* Have meetings with everyone on team at work, continuing to step into roll as boss
* Company has doubled in size in a year. 50% since May 15th
* Still trying to find new office space. 2+ in every office now.
* Grandmother still bed ridden
* Dad in hospital for kidney failure, home after one week
* Personnel issue at work, person not doing job well. Had to restructure a bit, didn't have to fire anyone.
* Think we've found office space, now negotiating lease and looking into build out: will take 5 months
* Dad out of hospital for 4 days, back in. Kidney's failing, bladder infection
* Dad in intermediate care, almost died, has hospital resident pneumonia (Sp02 in low 90s on 100% O2 mask)
* Re-proposed new direction at work, better communication this time, accepted. Now clear, doable, plan
* Dad wakes up, still sick, outcome unknown. Thinks he is dying
* Finally starting to get house back together. Have full use of middle floor.
* Deadline at work on 11/1 for delivery to a client. In testing now.
* Today, hard drive failure in office workstation. Lost a day of work: fooey.
* Still negotiating lease on new office space in Reston.
So, um, I guess there has been a lot going on?
House - construction on the middle floor is done. It looks really good. It's odd to walk through the house and see so many of my dreams of the last few years made real. I run my hands along the surface of the table, the counter, the wall. It's so nice to have this place I envisioned come to life. It was odd, I always thought I'd do it myself, but it didn't happen that way. I directed, others did. Now it's done. Now we have to move back in to the house we've been living in for so long. I moved here in 1998, it's hard to even grasp that. In one more year, I've have lived longer in this place than any other in my life.
Work - I feel like I could fill a book with what has happened in my professional life in the last two years, and not a short one. So many foibles and strange occurrences. It's really really odd to have reached this point in my career before I'd expected. People don't know what to do with me. It is odd to find yourself in a true position of responsibility. Not the kind of responsibility that comes from having deadlines and such, things to do. No, this is being responsible for others. Where success is measured not in what you can do yourself, but what you can get others to do for you. Being responsible for guiding the course of the careers of people under you, some of whom are twice your age. Being responsible, almost solely, for the direction of an innovative concept. Feeling yourself on the brink of doing something really really important. Being given the chance, seemingly, to realize many of your professional hopes and dreams, be financially successful beyond what you deserve, and to actually make the world a marginally better place. I didn't plan to be here. I didn't even ask to be here. It's getting bigger and bigger. I'm riding it, guiding it.
I think of horseback riding and the agreement with the mount. Life can be so oddly fractal. Experiences repeating themselves into endless variations on a theme. Or maybe we just see nails everywhere once we have hammers to swing.
Anyway, the odd thing about work these days is that I'm running things. Really running things myself. Not doing what others tell me or following what others say is a good way. I am drawing solely on the accumulation of my own experience and knowledge to craft and guide something bigger than myself. Creating my own way, my own shop, hopefully something original. It's exhausting and, especially in this case, an uphill battle. Right now, things are going my way. I think I've finally convinced myself that I was ready for this.
I may post more details on work at a later point. It's very complicated and I don't think I've actually communicated everything about it to anyone. Suffice to say that I've finally managed to convince everyone to go the way I think we need to go. I've finally managed to free myself of some of my technological idealism and find a balance of the desire to innovate and the need to be pragmatic. I see the path ahead of me here with surprising clarity. It fits in the way a good design fits into a problem, all the edges lining up neatly. This is the first time I've been able to get that feeling from this kind of position. It feels to me like a chess game that I know I've won, or that great moment when you really click with a horse and riding becomes like telepathy, or a hundred other small triumphs of balance and understanding and foresight. I see the moves ahead and have confidence for the first time in a while. If I can get through these next few months I think I know where I'll be in five years. I have no idea what will happen after that. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Anyone know any good GUI developers?
Family - Katie is doing well, she has work issues of her own at the moment but I can confidently say she is as beautiful as ever. :) Gizmo is also flourishing, having reached a health weight of 8-9 pounds he continues to astound us with is boundless energy.
My Mom has recovered very well from gastric bypass surgery in Feb and has lost almost 100 pounds. She looks great.
My Sister has started a new internship with the Women's Edge Coalition. It's a great opportunity for her and she is working hard: writing briefs for senators, going to presentations on capital hill on micro-lending, all that fun stuff.
My Dad's mother fell and broke her hip for the third time. She's in an assisted care facility now. I feel bad because I've not been to visit her yet. We as a family haven't been maintaining the ties to my dad's side very much (he doesn't like his mother at all).
My Mom's mother has had a never ending series of infections and most recently did not bounce back very well. She turned 91 on Sept 22. and is now bed ridden and really pissed about it.
And then there is my dad. If you read the synopsis above you know that he's not doing very well. Right now he is in the hospital in Intermediate Care (Below ICU above General) and has all sorts of doctors: Urologist, Nephrologist, Infectious disease specialist, Internist, Neurologist, Gastroenterologist, Pain Management Specialist, etc. He is currently suffering from a bladder infection, hospital resident pneumonia, a broken rib, a compression fracture in the spine, and a bunch of neuro issues (ticks, memory loss, word salad) brought on by high blood toxicity resultant from kidney failure. Last week he almost died from lack of O2 as his lungs shut down and for a while he was not able to breath without a 100% O2 mask on. Even then his blood oxygen level never went much above the low 90s.
In short, he's very sick and while my family and I have been through a lot with him in the last decade with many trips to the hospital, this one feels different. It feels different partly because I think my dad may not be trying as hard, may not be fighting as hard. I don't know. Needless to say, this hasn't been easy.
I feel guilty because with work and everything I've not gone over too much. Part of that is feeling a little conflicted about this. If my dad has given up... I just don't know how I feel about this right now. I feel and will continue to feel sad, no matter what happens.
Anyway, thats what's been on my mind tonight. I've been writing for an hour and now I should go to bed. I hope everyone is having a good time. Drop me a line, I'd like to hang out with folks. I feel like I've not maintained my connections to people like I should, maybe let a few people down or in limbo. I'm sorry, I really overestimate what I can reasonably do these days.
Well, off to bed, and tomorrow: restore stuff to my new hard drives... (sigh)
It's late on a work night and I should be in bed. I don't know why I'm not. I'm tired.
I feel like I've been running to catch a something that is running away with itself. I finally caught up, latched on, and the thing turned to look at me, grinned, and sped up. Now attached to this thing I have no choice but to run faster and faster. I don't want to stop for long, just a little while, just to let me get used to it. I'm afraid I'll forget what it's like to stop.
The quick summary of the last 21 weeks:
* Boss was fired, no new boss defined, work group left in odd state
* In role as pseudo-boss, hired three developers
* Trying to find new office space. Getting cramped.
* Car was totaled (last post), new car
* Had checkbook stolen while at passport office, $11,000 taken
* Went to scotland in June, it was great
* Went to Wisconsin in July for Katie's cousin's wedding
* Started construction project to redo middle floor: dining, kitchen, living room
* Went to Kelly and Mark's Wedding in August
* Finally got bank to deal with stolen checkbook, got back $11,000
* Purchased new appliances
* Purchased and built ikea cabinets for kitchen, book cases, etc.
* Grandmother in hospital for possible stroke
* Had talk with CEO, decided to just become real boss. Start working on fixing issues
* Still trying to find new office space. Getting -really- cramped.
* Dad to doctor for infection in face
* Work team accepts my new "real boss" status
* Grandmother sent home, no stroke, too weak to sit up
* Went to Robin and Doug's wedding in WVA in September
* Dad back to doctor for infection on the other side of his face
* Proposed new direction at work after careful review, was not understood, denied, very stressed
* Managed to hire Shawn as tech writer: thank god.
* Construction on middle floor complete, ended up a 7 week project
* Current plan at work not running as it's supposed to, delays and issues
* Have meetings with everyone on team at work, continuing to step into roll as boss
* Company has doubled in size in a year. 50% since May 15th
* Still trying to find new office space. 2+ in every office now.
* Grandmother still bed ridden
* Dad in hospital for kidney failure, home after one week
* Personnel issue at work, person not doing job well. Had to restructure a bit, didn't have to fire anyone.
* Think we've found office space, now negotiating lease and looking into build out: will take 5 months
* Dad out of hospital for 4 days, back in. Kidney's failing, bladder infection
* Dad in intermediate care, almost died, has hospital resident pneumonia (Sp02 in low 90s on 100% O2 mask)
* Re-proposed new direction at work, better communication this time, accepted. Now clear, doable, plan
* Dad wakes up, still sick, outcome unknown. Thinks he is dying
* Finally starting to get house back together. Have full use of middle floor.
* Deadline at work on 11/1 for delivery to a client. In testing now.
* Today, hard drive failure in office workstation. Lost a day of work: fooey.
* Still negotiating lease on new office space in Reston.
So, um, I guess there has been a lot going on?
House - construction on the middle floor is done. It looks really good. It's odd to walk through the house and see so many of my dreams of the last few years made real. I run my hands along the surface of the table, the counter, the wall. It's so nice to have this place I envisioned come to life. It was odd, I always thought I'd do it myself, but it didn't happen that way. I directed, others did. Now it's done. Now we have to move back in to the house we've been living in for so long. I moved here in 1998, it's hard to even grasp that. In one more year, I've have lived longer in this place than any other in my life.
Work - I feel like I could fill a book with what has happened in my professional life in the last two years, and not a short one. So many foibles and strange occurrences. It's really really odd to have reached this point in my career before I'd expected. People don't know what to do with me. It is odd to find yourself in a true position of responsibility. Not the kind of responsibility that comes from having deadlines and such, things to do. No, this is being responsible for others. Where success is measured not in what you can do yourself, but what you can get others to do for you. Being responsible for guiding the course of the careers of people under you, some of whom are twice your age. Being responsible, almost solely, for the direction of an innovative concept. Feeling yourself on the brink of doing something really really important. Being given the chance, seemingly, to realize many of your professional hopes and dreams, be financially successful beyond what you deserve, and to actually make the world a marginally better place. I didn't plan to be here. I didn't even ask to be here. It's getting bigger and bigger. I'm riding it, guiding it.
I think of horseback riding and the agreement with the mount. Life can be so oddly fractal. Experiences repeating themselves into endless variations on a theme. Or maybe we just see nails everywhere once we have hammers to swing.
Anyway, the odd thing about work these days is that I'm running things. Really running things myself. Not doing what others tell me or following what others say is a good way. I am drawing solely on the accumulation of my own experience and knowledge to craft and guide something bigger than myself. Creating my own way, my own shop, hopefully something original. It's exhausting and, especially in this case, an uphill battle. Right now, things are going my way. I think I've finally convinced myself that I was ready for this.
I may post more details on work at a later point. It's very complicated and I don't think I've actually communicated everything about it to anyone. Suffice to say that I've finally managed to convince everyone to go the way I think we need to go. I've finally managed to free myself of some of my technological idealism and find a balance of the desire to innovate and the need to be pragmatic. I see the path ahead of me here with surprising clarity. It fits in the way a good design fits into a problem, all the edges lining up neatly. This is the first time I've been able to get that feeling from this kind of position. It feels to me like a chess game that I know I've won, or that great moment when you really click with a horse and riding becomes like telepathy, or a hundred other small triumphs of balance and understanding and foresight. I see the moves ahead and have confidence for the first time in a while. If I can get through these next few months I think I know where I'll be in five years. I have no idea what will happen after that. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Anyone know any good GUI developers?
Family - Katie is doing well, she has work issues of her own at the moment but I can confidently say she is as beautiful as ever. :) Gizmo is also flourishing, having reached a health weight of 8-9 pounds he continues to astound us with is boundless energy.
My Mom has recovered very well from gastric bypass surgery in Feb and has lost almost 100 pounds. She looks great.
My Sister has started a new internship with the Women's Edge Coalition. It's a great opportunity for her and she is working hard: writing briefs for senators, going to presentations on capital hill on micro-lending, all that fun stuff.
My Dad's mother fell and broke her hip for the third time. She's in an assisted care facility now. I feel bad because I've not been to visit her yet. We as a family haven't been maintaining the ties to my dad's side very much (he doesn't like his mother at all).
My Mom's mother has had a never ending series of infections and most recently did not bounce back very well. She turned 91 on Sept 22. and is now bed ridden and really pissed about it.
And then there is my dad. If you read the synopsis above you know that he's not doing very well. Right now he is in the hospital in Intermediate Care (Below ICU above General) and has all sorts of doctors: Urologist, Nephrologist, Infectious disease specialist, Internist, Neurologist, Gastroenterologist, Pain Management Specialist, etc. He is currently suffering from a bladder infection, hospital resident pneumonia, a broken rib, a compression fracture in the spine, and a bunch of neuro issues (ticks, memory loss, word salad) brought on by high blood toxicity resultant from kidney failure. Last week he almost died from lack of O2 as his lungs shut down and for a while he was not able to breath without a 100% O2 mask on. Even then his blood oxygen level never went much above the low 90s.
In short, he's very sick and while my family and I have been through a lot with him in the last decade with many trips to the hospital, this one feels different. It feels different partly because I think my dad may not be trying as hard, may not be fighting as hard. I don't know. Needless to say, this hasn't been easy.
I feel guilty because with work and everything I've not gone over too much. Part of that is feeling a little conflicted about this. If my dad has given up... I just don't know how I feel about this right now. I feel and will continue to feel sad, no matter what happens.
Anyway, thats what's been on my mind tonight. I've been writing for an hour and now I should go to bed. I hope everyone is having a good time. Drop me a line, I'd like to hang out with folks. I feel like I've not maintained my connections to people like I should, maybe let a few people down or in limbo. I'm sorry, I really overestimate what I can reasonably do these days.
Well, off to bed, and tomorrow: restore stuff to my new hard drives... (sigh)