Walking into work
Sometimes I feel like my limbs aren't really part of me - is any part of my body? I'm pretty convinced that if anything should happen to it, I'd be dead, etc... But like, it's more like walking your dog or teaching your child to ride a bicycle. I was comming into work today, and there's a very big tractor/trailer comming into the delivery bay (I go thought the back cause it's shorter. Why waste time talking to the receptionist?) and there was also a forklift backing up, and it was pretty obvious I'd have to let them by which would take a couple minutes, or walk through and make them stop (pretty messed up), or just run through so I wouldn't interfear with anything. And that's what I did. The only problem is that my limbs were sort of moving, and my viewpoint was translocating the gaunlet, as it were, but I didn't feel like I was there. There was just this body that I wished only the best for jogging between a lot of very hard objects.
and I felt like... Like I imagine my millipede felt when it was alive - anything with too may limbs to have them all be independantly addressed. You sort of give this overall "move" command, with some idea as to direction and if not speed then "urgency" and watch it take place.
Actually, the most disconcerting part of the whole thing is how my viewpoint was really stuck plodding along at the rate of my body. Why am I not free to view the universe from any point I choose? Can't I watch from outside myself?
Well, with powers like that I'd probably get squished by the truck because my high flying conciousness would be in some girls' high school locker room. :-)
I had a nice talk with best freind and roomate Rob last night, about Jana - about my girlfreind, and life in general.... And as I was sitting there thinkin this whole thing is insane and I she walk, she called me up with such pain and desperation in her voice... So much timid hope... Well, I don't know - now I'm reconsidering. I'll say at least that I owe her a real explination. I need to tell her what I think is lacking and see if she thinks it's something she wants to change, or can change, or is doing on accident, etc.
I *have* to talk to her about this whole "I'm leaving if you're jobless" thing, because it's a matter of personal respect. I mean, she needs to respect herself, and she shouldn't BE with a bum. But she also needs to respect me as a person, and for the love of god she should know me better than that.
And I think she does.
No... No, I hope she does. I feel at odds and very distant from her lately. And I don't think saying that needing to make love in some enjoyable, or at least non-injuring, sort of way more than once every couple of months means our relationship is based on sex. It can be meaningful and important and sex is part of that.
It's not that I mind waiting for her to get better. It's that I don't see her getting better as being a priority in her life. Maybe she's fine with being sick, but I'm not fine with having a sick girlfreind. It's something I'll endure gladly and long - as long as is necisary. But if she's not making an effort to get better, then she's just ruining my quality of life, and has no respect for me.
Not to mention she seems to enjoy things a lot better when she's well. And you know, it's very very rare for me to be with or date a girl who doesn't have a *lot* of orgasms. Odd, isn't it? And I think most of them do anyways, just that they seem to say they have more with me. It never makes any sense, honestly. Ok - there was a period in my life where I was really... "on my game", in bed. But this is independant of that? Somewhat. Maybe girl who orgasm easily are attracted to me? At any rate, erin always had a few to be sure - even when I was on the tail end of that relationship and only sex sex with her as long as it took to give her three orgasms then just stop without finishing myself and gonig to sleep... She always managed a few. Carrie always had at least four. It got to the point we'd have a race - could I finish before she'd have X number of them. And Jana.. Well, it's pretty impossible to count. In our hay-day she certainly could have upwards of 20 at a single go, each being distinct and not part of some massive chain reaction. And again, it'd be odd for her to have less than 8.
Now of course everytime I see her midriff convulsing I worry about her busting open or not being able to walk for the next day or two and the like, so I really back off...
Between my being worried about hurting her, being out of practice, doubting our love, and all the rest.... shit... I don't think I could make love to anybody in any memorable way just now. but then again, sex sure has a way of surprising all those involved and maybe I shouldn't be so down on myself.
I wish she were better. When she is, I have this blind to the world (the world of other women).. Naked play boy bunnied could be bouncing around on my lap and I'd probably just talk to them about the weather or what they want to do with their life.... All the typical love stuff. I remember being blindly in love with Jana - but I know I'm not anymore. I think I can be, I get hints of it whenever she's better, for the time that she is.
The real thing is.. the thing that scares me is that I felt strong confident feelings for other girls before (though not this wholesome - aside from the girl in Florida who I walked in on in bed with some guy she used to cry to me every night for months about how he tried to rape her... And let's just say she wasn't being raped) but after those feelings it turned out they weren't the great or that right for me, etc... does it mean that I was just wrong about her in the begining? If I was, it's only fair to her, and to myself, to go our seperate ways.
And with college oppertunities abounding all over the nation, jobs as well... Its too convienent a time to go. There's girls who work with me here whom I'll probably never see again - girl who I'd be on in a heartbeat without these other commitments..
And then there's Rob's girl/interest.... Ah, well. The truth is while she's cute and spontaneous and fun she'd be no better than most girl. Worth a romp in the hay, maybe some months of my life. But I can't imagine living with her - being married to her - without life being a constant struggle to stay sane. Jana really is right for me in a lot of ways. I think if she found the courage to go to a head shrinker to deal with some self esteem issues she'd be the right girl for me, and as happy as she could ever be. I'm her first, and there's something special about staying with your first.
Ok - if you've read this far you deserve some sort of a prize. Aquire within.
and I felt like... Like I imagine my millipede felt when it was alive - anything with too may limbs to have them all be independantly addressed. You sort of give this overall "move" command, with some idea as to direction and if not speed then "urgency" and watch it take place.
Actually, the most disconcerting part of the whole thing is how my viewpoint was really stuck plodding along at the rate of my body. Why am I not free to view the universe from any point I choose? Can't I watch from outside myself?
Well, with powers like that I'd probably get squished by the truck because my high flying conciousness would be in some girls' high school locker room. :-)
I had a nice talk with best freind and roomate Rob last night, about Jana - about my girlfreind, and life in general.... And as I was sitting there thinkin this whole thing is insane and I she walk, she called me up with such pain and desperation in her voice... So much timid hope... Well, I don't know - now I'm reconsidering. I'll say at least that I owe her a real explination. I need to tell her what I think is lacking and see if she thinks it's something she wants to change, or can change, or is doing on accident, etc.
I *have* to talk to her about this whole "I'm leaving if you're jobless" thing, because it's a matter of personal respect. I mean, she needs to respect herself, and she shouldn't BE with a bum. But she also needs to respect me as a person, and for the love of god she should know me better than that.
And I think she does.
No... No, I hope she does. I feel at odds and very distant from her lately. And I don't think saying that needing to make love in some enjoyable, or at least non-injuring, sort of way more than once every couple of months means our relationship is based on sex. It can be meaningful and important and sex is part of that.
It's not that I mind waiting for her to get better. It's that I don't see her getting better as being a priority in her life. Maybe she's fine with being sick, but I'm not fine with having a sick girlfreind. It's something I'll endure gladly and long - as long as is necisary. But if she's not making an effort to get better, then she's just ruining my quality of life, and has no respect for me.
Not to mention she seems to enjoy things a lot better when she's well. And you know, it's very very rare for me to be with or date a girl who doesn't have a *lot* of orgasms. Odd, isn't it? And I think most of them do anyways, just that they seem to say they have more with me. It never makes any sense, honestly. Ok - there was a period in my life where I was really... "on my game", in bed. But this is independant of that? Somewhat. Maybe girl who orgasm easily are attracted to me? At any rate, erin always had a few to be sure - even when I was on the tail end of that relationship and only sex sex with her as long as it took to give her three orgasms then just stop without finishing myself and gonig to sleep... She always managed a few. Carrie always had at least four. It got to the point we'd have a race - could I finish before she'd have X number of them. And Jana.. Well, it's pretty impossible to count. In our hay-day she certainly could have upwards of 20 at a single go, each being distinct and not part of some massive chain reaction. And again, it'd be odd for her to have less than 8.
Now of course everytime I see her midriff convulsing I worry about her busting open or not being able to walk for the next day or two and the like, so I really back off...
Between my being worried about hurting her, being out of practice, doubting our love, and all the rest.... shit... I don't think I could make love to anybody in any memorable way just now. but then again, sex sure has a way of surprising all those involved and maybe I shouldn't be so down on myself.
I wish she were better. When she is, I have this blind to the world (the world of other women).. Naked play boy bunnied could be bouncing around on my lap and I'd probably just talk to them about the weather or what they want to do with their life.... All the typical love stuff. I remember being blindly in love with Jana - but I know I'm not anymore. I think I can be, I get hints of it whenever she's better, for the time that she is.
The real thing is.. the thing that scares me is that I felt strong confident feelings for other girls before (though not this wholesome - aside from the girl in Florida who I walked in on in bed with some guy she used to cry to me every night for months about how he tried to rape her... And let's just say she wasn't being raped) but after those feelings it turned out they weren't the great or that right for me, etc... does it mean that I was just wrong about her in the begining? If I was, it's only fair to her, and to myself, to go our seperate ways.
And with college oppertunities abounding all over the nation, jobs as well... Its too convienent a time to go. There's girls who work with me here whom I'll probably never see again - girl who I'd be on in a heartbeat without these other commitments..
And then there's Rob's girl/interest.... Ah, well. The truth is while she's cute and spontaneous and fun she'd be no better than most girl. Worth a romp in the hay, maybe some months of my life. But I can't imagine living with her - being married to her - without life being a constant struggle to stay sane. Jana really is right for me in a lot of ways. I think if she found the courage to go to a head shrinker to deal with some self esteem issues she'd be the right girl for me, and as happy as she could ever be. I'm her first, and there's something special about staying with your first.
Ok - if you've read this far you deserve some sort of a prize. Aquire within.