Jul 08, 2006 10:15
i can barely breathe most of the time. I've gained too much weight, and my heart isn't beating properly. My blood pressure is too low, and sometimes it feels like i'm going to have a heart attack. I wouldn't be surprised. If I have one I hope it kills me. My head always hurts, my chest and my left arm. My hands because theres not enough blood to them. My knee that my brother ran into with his bike is hurting really bad again, and i'm afraid I'll have to go to the hospital for it. God knows I'm gonna end up having something seriosuly wrong with it. And I can't go anyway. I can't afford it. I can't afford to get anti-depressants, or keep buying my birthcontrol, or go to the doctor for my heart, or make sure my knee doesn't need surgery. I just put $452 in my accound, on wednesday. Now i'm negative two bucks and have another weel till payday. No gas money to even get to work. My building is 18 storys tall, and right about now I'd feel happier jumping from it. My depresion hasn't been this bad in quite a long time, and I can't do a damn thing about it. I try. Oh God, I try. But nothing helps. Nothing works. I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. I just keep lying to myself about everything. I'm not that much overweight. i'm not stressed. i wont have a heart attack. Seems like i've got no reason now. Most of my friends are gone. Maybe they remember me sometimes, but what does it matter? i dont see any of them. My mom wants to get rid of me. My brother misses me, but we're not the same anymore. Andy probably wouldn't even notice. Jeff. I love him. Too much. But I hurt so much right now. I hurt and cause so much trouble that it would probably be better for him if I did go. I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. Highschool. Being a mom. Being a good daughter. Saving money. Lossing weight. Keeping friends. I can't rely on people to make me feel better. Its annoying. Who wants to comfort someone else all the time? Why should I be treated like an infant just because I'm unstable? Jeff doesnt' want to deal with all my crap the rest of his life. He says through thick and thin. Through anything. but its not true and he's said so himself. if i smoke cigs, he'll leave me, just like if i smoke pot or start drinking again. I could live with not doing those things, but to say it so harshly? I can pretend it doesnt bother me, but why should he change himself for me anyway? He bashes my family alot, because honest to God the lot of them are horrible people, but i warned him. Dont bash CJ, dont touch CJ, dont speak a foul word about him. He's the last of my family that I love honestly through many faults. If anything ever happened and he hurt my brother, i would leave him. Kiss him good bye. And run my car off a cliff. I dont know why I should wait anymore. it seems like no one could fathom how this feels. And it makes me feel worse to know that I have it so much better than most. Like, how dare I feel this way, right? God, please kill me.