(no subject)

[morbidsoulsrus]

I just want to go to sleep for a very long time. I'm so stressed lately it seems I can hear things again that aren't there and I know that if it happens again it wont be so easy this time to fix. For so long I've been strong and now is not the time to weaken, but I do, with every passing moment I grow weaker and it hurts so bad sometimes to know what I'm going to do. It always seems like no one is there and maybe it's that I push them away, but the only people I could ever cry on are gone or just don't know. I miss Cory, and Amanda mostly. I know I could always cry on their shoulders and they would know what to say. It wouldn't be akward like it is with most friends who are just silent. I don't care how lame the words seem to you, as long as you hold me I'll feel better. But no one will hold me, not even my mom, but I wont let her. I always feel like I'm a burden to her and I know that I am, and that I have been in the past and I cant stand knowing that so many people tear me apart. So many people want oso many things from me and I can only be stretched so far. I do good in school, and it's like a givin, that I work hard people see it as something that just is. I push myself everyday to stay in class and focus and not cry when the teacher says a word or talks about something relating to me just now. It never does relate to me, but you know it gets. It seems like everyone is looking at you and your just there in the middle of a crowd, lost and alone and the eyes pass you, but don't see you. They see a teenager who didn't use a condom and they say how stupid it was, but who cares how stupid it was? Thats known and accepted what am I supposed to do now fix it? People are so mean and they just don't think and they don't realize that just a few small words can send me crashing down again, they just dont know how fragile I've always been and how fragile this makes me. What hurts so much just know, is that it's all in vain. Some child in maybe 12 years will know of me, and they won't even love me. How can you love someone you've never met. Your mother is the person who raises you. I just play a small role here.

I don't even know why I type this here. One person will read it. Two at most and neither of them see the tears, so what is the point of a few words on a computer screen? They can't help me. Not even the people who really care can help me. I feel so lost, I am so lost here. In my own home where I demand solice and comfort, I find none. Just the cold walls, the dark corners. I love my dog, but what can he do. I don't even know where my heart lies anymore. I dont know anything anymore. Just that it hurts, and I'm lost.