Home is where the Heart is?
::tear::
Fuck...I hate this feeling of not knowing exactly where I want to be in life. I miss Orlando so much right now even though I just had a really fun night with Beck and Jesse. Fuck. I hate jeremy for leaving me with all this emotional baggage too. I Listened to Vermillion pt. 2 in the car on the way back from the movie and it was like " I loved someone who was never really there... I loved his shell, that good guy act he puts on in front of everyone. I can't make him real..." I was crying silently because I know that Jesse can't stand seeing me cry. When he was with me everyday before I went into the hospital he held me and told me " You're too beautiful to cry...you break my heart." Why couldn't i have fucking loved him? WHY!? Him, Nathan...any of the decent guys I ever dated that I fucked over for Jeremy... I was so convinced he was my soul mate. Ha...what a fucking laugh that is now. He couldn't even give me the time of day to write me a simple goodbye email in reply to mine. He knew he would NEVER see me again and he didn't care. I ment so little to him...when he was my fucking world for so long. Love hurts sometimes i guess... at least once I finally get over this I will be that much stronger... I have suffered enough at the hands of evil, narcisistic men like him. No more... no more ashley the door mat who takes in every "stray" that waltzes into my life. I can't deal with it anymore. I need someone who will give back to me...who will help me out once in a while. I saw this 27-year-old guy from my old work...nick. He is sweet, bumbley, and loves animals... he's not what most people consider handsome but i think he is. I think i might ask him to hang out sometime... hmm. well, that's my sob story for the day i guess. Besides that it was just a whole lot of flying and carting around 500 lb. luggage. eh, well i have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow to go see my grandma in the nursing home... and i need to work with andre cause he is acting strange towards me. If my sweet little man stops loving me...i don't know. :( good night
Fuck...I hate this feeling of not knowing exactly where I want to be in life. I miss Orlando so much right now even though I just had a really fun night with Beck and Jesse. Fuck. I hate jeremy for leaving me with all this emotional baggage too. I Listened to Vermillion pt. 2 in the car on the way back from the movie and it was like " I loved someone who was never really there... I loved his shell, that good guy act he puts on in front of everyone. I can't make him real..." I was crying silently because I know that Jesse can't stand seeing me cry. When he was with me everyday before I went into the hospital he held me and told me " You're too beautiful to cry...you break my heart." Why couldn't i have fucking loved him? WHY!? Him, Nathan...any of the decent guys I ever dated that I fucked over for Jeremy... I was so convinced he was my soul mate. Ha...what a fucking laugh that is now. He couldn't even give me the time of day to write me a simple goodbye email in reply to mine. He knew he would NEVER see me again and he didn't care. I ment so little to him...when he was my fucking world for so long. Love hurts sometimes i guess... at least once I finally get over this I will be that much stronger... I have suffered enough at the hands of evil, narcisistic men like him. No more... no more ashley the door mat who takes in every "stray" that waltzes into my life. I can't deal with it anymore. I need someone who will give back to me...who will help me out once in a while. I saw this 27-year-old guy from my old work...nick. He is sweet, bumbley, and loves animals... he's not what most people consider handsome but i think he is. I think i might ask him to hang out sometime... hmm. well, that's my sob story for the day i guess. Besides that it was just a whole lot of flying and carting around 500 lb. luggage. eh, well i have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow to go see my grandma in the nursing home... and i need to work with andre cause he is acting strange towards me. If my sweet little man stops loving me...i don't know. :( good night