(no subject)
Third time's the charm....let's hope so...DAMN JEW COMPUTER! Please work, I need to put my fucking entry!!! I need to get all this shit said!
This is not an entry about my long, fun weekend, as it would normally be...this is an entry for me, for my mind, so that I can get all this shit out in the open, this is an entry for all you people who have been asking me what was wrong, why I've been so distant, and what the fuck is on my mind...here it is, all of it:
I feel so conflicted inside...it's like I'm living in two different worlds because mine was ripped apart and all my efforts to meand it back together have failed miserably and now I'm being forced to have both of them, though I don't want them. On one side I'm happy, I have a great boyfriend that cares very deeply for me and takes care of me, I have good friends, I have all that I need, on the other side...I'm still so in love with him, nothing against John, not that I don't love him or anything, it's just he's always had my heart, and a piece of it will always belong to him, and there will always be a place in me that no one else can get to, a side of me that no one else can see, and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I've always ran to him when there was something wrong, and always ran to him whenever he had a problem. He just knows me so well, better than anyone. It's like I'm falling back into old habits that just seems so normal and right. See...now I'm having a hard time remembering what the fuck I even had in here, my mind is fucking gone, it's just everywhere right now. Everything's so fucked up right now, nothing is how it's suppose to be, given that I don't know how things are suppose to be or what's not right, I just know that something, somewhere is not right. Everything keeps reminding me of last summer, maybe that's how things need to be, I mean cause I was happy then, and things were simple, everything wasn't always the big fucking production that people tend to turn everything into. Well, I don't want everythign to be how it was, cause I didn't know most of the people that I love so much back then. As a matter of fact, I only hang out with maybe 3 people that I knew then. It's amazing and bewildering just how much can change in no time at all. Everything in my life is different than it was 3 months ago even. Nothing has escaped change. I'm different, my relationships are different, all my friends are different, I hang with different people, I do different things, I live somewhere different, I think everyone knows who I was with 3 months ago and how incredibly different that is, I mean hell, 3 months ago I was in South Carolina...there is not one thing that is the same. If you can think of anything that I have missed that hasn't changed let me know, because I'm desperately searching for even one thing that has remained the same to hold on to because it feels like everything's slipping away again, it feels like I'm slipping away. I've already lost everything once before and had to find something new, not necessarily better, just different, ro replace it with, and I don't want to have to do it again, I especially don't want to have to find a new me, though I still don't exactly who I am. Between all the bullshit, all the fighting in our group of people who are all suppose to best friends or something like that, taking so much of my time trying to fix everything that's my fault..which I've succeed in part of it, me and Warren are friends again, and me and Chelsea fixed things, both of which I viewed as nearly impossible, and now the only thing left is the shit between me and Typhani...and everything that's taking over my life and leaving me no time for myself I've been completely out of it. I'm hoping that this entry will help me get some of it off my mind. It will at least be out in the open and people can talk to me about it and maybe some way help me. Little annoyances....things that use to be good to me, things I use to find cute now just get on my god damn nerves!!! No, I'm not giving any insite as to what that means...cause I don't want to. There was more that I wanted to put in here, but now I can't remember, my fingers are tired, I'm hungry as fuck, and I'm sure that this entry is long enough, so I will just finish the chronicles of my mind later today.....
This is not an entry about my long, fun weekend, as it would normally be...this is an entry for me, for my mind, so that I can get all this shit out in the open, this is an entry for all you people who have been asking me what was wrong, why I've been so distant, and what the fuck is on my mind...here it is, all of it:
I feel so conflicted inside...it's like I'm living in two different worlds because mine was ripped apart and all my efforts to meand it back together have failed miserably and now I'm being forced to have both of them, though I don't want them. On one side I'm happy, I have a great boyfriend that cares very deeply for me and takes care of me, I have good friends, I have all that I need, on the other side...I'm still so in love with him, nothing against John, not that I don't love him or anything, it's just he's always had my heart, and a piece of it will always belong to him, and there will always be a place in me that no one else can get to, a side of me that no one else can see, and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I've always ran to him when there was something wrong, and always ran to him whenever he had a problem. He just knows me so well, better than anyone. It's like I'm falling back into old habits that just seems so normal and right. See...now I'm having a hard time remembering what the fuck I even had in here, my mind is fucking gone, it's just everywhere right now. Everything's so fucked up right now, nothing is how it's suppose to be, given that I don't know how things are suppose to be or what's not right, I just know that something, somewhere is not right. Everything keeps reminding me of last summer, maybe that's how things need to be, I mean cause I was happy then, and things were simple, everything wasn't always the big fucking production that people tend to turn everything into. Well, I don't want everythign to be how it was, cause I didn't know most of the people that I love so much back then. As a matter of fact, I only hang out with maybe 3 people that I knew then. It's amazing and bewildering just how much can change in no time at all. Everything in my life is different than it was 3 months ago even. Nothing has escaped change. I'm different, my relationships are different, all my friends are different, I hang with different people, I do different things, I live somewhere different, I think everyone knows who I was with 3 months ago and how incredibly different that is, I mean hell, 3 months ago I was in South Carolina...there is not one thing that is the same. If you can think of anything that I have missed that hasn't changed let me know, because I'm desperately searching for even one thing that has remained the same to hold on to because it feels like everything's slipping away again, it feels like I'm slipping away. I've already lost everything once before and had to find something new, not necessarily better, just different, ro replace it with, and I don't want to have to do it again, I especially don't want to have to find a new me, though I still don't exactly who I am. Between all the bullshit, all the fighting in our group of people who are all suppose to best friends or something like that, taking so much of my time trying to fix everything that's my fault..which I've succeed in part of it, me and Warren are friends again, and me and Chelsea fixed things, both of which I viewed as nearly impossible, and now the only thing left is the shit between me and Typhani...and everything that's taking over my life and leaving me no time for myself I've been completely out of it. I'm hoping that this entry will help me get some of it off my mind. It will at least be out in the open and people can talk to me about it and maybe some way help me. Little annoyances....things that use to be good to me, things I use to find cute now just get on my god damn nerves!!! No, I'm not giving any insite as to what that means...cause I don't want to. There was more that I wanted to put in here, but now I can't remember, my fingers are tired, I'm hungry as fuck, and I'm sure that this entry is long enough, so I will just finish the chronicles of my mind later today.....