June 26, 2010
This was a real post in my real diary, which I barely write in, but as I was updating it today, I reread this entry and enjoyed it.
June 26, 2010 - I'm in Love and Drowning
So Memorial Day weekend, we went to Sterling and it was brilliant. The next weekend, we went to New York City and that, too, was brilliant. Today, Stasi and I went to Ithaca and, yes, it was brilliant.
Every time I'm on my way back, I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate what I am right now. I hate what I do. I hate what I don't do. I hate my work environment. I want to teach, I want to write, I want all areas of my life to be good, not barely bearable. I don't think it's possible right now and I don't know how I'm holding onto my sanity. I have my plans but plans are for the future, there's no real way of figuring out right now except to just remember how to breathe.
Glad there's no TV, that would make me feel even more worthless. Quite the contradiction from the rest of American society.
Music. I thought I lost my love of it, but I might have refound it. Reinvented it. Reorganized my thinking of it. Downloaded a bunch of Muse, Ella Fitzgerald, and Miles Davis. My ears are happy. My brain hums with lyrics. My teeth are not chattering. My stomach churns but only for the benefit of the chai inside it. I bite my lips, not in anxiety but intense anticipation of the creativity that may leak from my fingertips.
I want to read but I can't sit still. I want to walk but such a small apartment complex is not adequate for my walking needs. A movie may be imminent but I am fighting it. That or Dexter.
Even though I write not a story, I find this to be an outlet of sorts and my burden is eased, if only slightly.
Summer is here and with the sun and the heat, despite work and sickness, I find myself living, enjoying the little moments of beauty like seeing New York as we travel south on I-81 and later the waterfalls at Ithaca.
I know I seem bipolar, but much music has been played since the beginning of this entry and my mood has been lifted since then, though I fear the landslide back into that mentality is not far away. It's lurking beneath the surface, sending ripples through the epidermis and will soon crack through. Until then, I enjoy my smiles. END
June 26, 2010 - I'm in Love and Drowning
So Memorial Day weekend, we went to Sterling and it was brilliant. The next weekend, we went to New York City and that, too, was brilliant. Today, Stasi and I went to Ithaca and, yes, it was brilliant.
Every time I'm on my way back, I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate what I am right now. I hate what I do. I hate what I don't do. I hate my work environment. I want to teach, I want to write, I want all areas of my life to be good, not barely bearable. I don't think it's possible right now and I don't know how I'm holding onto my sanity. I have my plans but plans are for the future, there's no real way of figuring out right now except to just remember how to breathe.
Glad there's no TV, that would make me feel even more worthless. Quite the contradiction from the rest of American society.
Music. I thought I lost my love of it, but I might have refound it. Reinvented it. Reorganized my thinking of it. Downloaded a bunch of Muse, Ella Fitzgerald, and Miles Davis. My ears are happy. My brain hums with lyrics. My teeth are not chattering. My stomach churns but only for the benefit of the chai inside it. I bite my lips, not in anxiety but intense anticipation of the creativity that may leak from my fingertips.
I want to read but I can't sit still. I want to walk but such a small apartment complex is not adequate for my walking needs. A movie may be imminent but I am fighting it. That or Dexter.
Even though I write not a story, I find this to be an outlet of sorts and my burden is eased, if only slightly.
Summer is here and with the sun and the heat, despite work and sickness, I find myself living, enjoying the little moments of beauty like seeing New York as we travel south on I-81 and later the waterfalls at Ithaca.
I know I seem bipolar, but much music has been played since the beginning of this entry and my mood has been lifted since then, though I fear the landslide back into that mentality is not far away. It's lurking beneath the surface, sending ripples through the epidermis and will soon crack through. Until then, I enjoy my smiles. END