Last entry for a while.
Sorry, I've been really slack with updates lately. This will probably be my last post for a while.
I took off my shirt and stood halfnaked infront of the many mirrors in my house for a long while today. It's been a very long time since I've been comfortable with my body. From February 2004, to January 2005, I was bulimic. I'm willing to admit that, and I'm not going to attention whore myself with it. But there's no point in not being straightforward. It was nasty and ugly and vomit smells really weird. I struggle with it every now and then, but right now I'm fine. Anyway, back to the topic. I'm still not totally comfortable with my physical appearance, but I'm getting better. All this lack of self-esteem has made me irritable, rash in some lights, jealous, hell, it made me a fucking bitch. I'm cool with admitting that now. I'm mellowing out. I feel pretty. Hahaha, that sounded so stupid, but it's true. For once in a long while, I feel really gorgeous and thin. I'm feeling more positive torwards things, and I'm not sweating the small stuff as much anymore. I'm happier with myself. I enjoy more things. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am pretty. They say when you've heard something about yourself so much, you begin to believe it. Until I was 12 years old, no one ever said I was pretty. No one, but now, I only need myself to think I'm pretty. And fucking hell, I feel beautiful. Good god, everyone is beautiful. It doesn't matter if you're over or underweight, too short or too tall, god, you are beautiful.
Also, I'm tired of denying that I like certain things. I like vampires. No, I fucking love VAMPIRES! I don't care what you say! I relish in the fact that vampires exist. I don't care if it's the cult vampires who drink blood from disease-tested people, or if it's the supernatural vampire, I fucking love vampires. I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore. I LOVE VAMPIRES. I love the romance that's tied in, living at night, the fucking beauty of it all. I love it. And when I get older, I'm going to join those groups of vampires that are people who are inducted into a clan, cult, group, whatever you want to call it, that drink a small amount of blood from a tested person, and have gatherings. I don't care what you think of that, I am joining one. I love vampires! Nothing excites my mind like a pasty-skinned, dark-haired vampire. So go fuck yourself if you can't accept that, but I still love you.
Oh, and another thing. I like being topless around people I know. Not just everyone I know, mind you, but people I'm comfortable around, like close friends who won't wig out over it. And I like just being in a bra. I'm not slutty, I'm just comfortable like that. And I like going into swimming pools with all my clothes on. I find it romantic. I love being touched. Not in a sexual way, but just human physical contact is so fucking comforting, I don't know why. Vic, you know what I mean. I love hugs! I like being held, I like platonic kisses, I like platonic licks. And depending on who you are, I like it non-platonic, too. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but it's the truth. And I like candy! And glowsticks! And the taste of blood! And I don't think I'm a gothic, deep person, either! Hahaha! Isn't life great?!
I like having some kind of control over situations, it's just a nice feeling. I'm in such a good mood right now! You know what, I am comfortable with myself, even if it is just for the time being. Oh, and to all the kids who have low self-esteems, it's not completely your fault, but it's not totally other people's, either. So get off your ass and do something! You're beautiful! Don't fucking waste yourself because you can't get over some problem.
I want to publish a book full of my poetry and my short stories. I really do like some of my work, even when I say I don't. So I'd appreciate it if one of you could suggest a publisher to me. When I die, I want to have atleast one book with my name on it. And when I die, I want to be cremated, and at my funeral, I want everybody to get so fucking drunk or high or whatever, and just have a good time, because crying isn't going to do shit for you. Dance with my corpse, I don't care, if it entertains you, do it. I want my funeral to be one fucking huge party. But back to the original point, I want to publish a book.
I want all of you to be happy, and I know a lot of you are, but you're just hiding behind a "depression" motif. Here's a really honest piece of advice: just drop it. Everyone will like you better if you don't whine. Learn to enjoy life instead of sitting around and crying because you're so gothy. Everybody gets sad once in a while, don't act like it's exclusively you. Listen to some mellow music instead of your Linkin Park and whatnot. I fucking love being happy! Everybody fucking gets happy, and you know it, so don't say you don't know what happiness is. I remember singing a gayass chorus song in fifth grade called Happiness. "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, having a sister, tying your shoe for the very first time." Yes, that does sound very lame, but it's true. But enough about that.
I love reading, playing videogames, using big words, and writing. I really really couldn't give a shit if you think I'm nerdy. I want a more optimistic life, and I am taking steps in that direction. I am mellowing, and I love it. In different points of view, everything is awesome. My favorite words are vaudeville, macabre, innuendo, and fuck. Yeah, everybody's favorite word is "fuck" nowadays, but I don't feel some driving urge not to like it just because a lot of people do. And those other words just sound cool.
What's up with not being able to like something because a lot of people like it? Like when I say, "Hey, do you like this band?" and some kid has to say "No, because everyone else likes them." Who cares who likes them? I don't see how people profess to only be themselves, when they only like what lies with minority. People can be really stupid sometimes, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I know a lot of you probably have a lot to critisize in this, but I'm just saying what I think. Sorry if I said some contradictions, I don't really plan to edit this at all. I'm just in a really really great mood. I feel pretty, and I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I know that sounds really regurgitated from a lot of websites, but I'm dead serious. To all of you who read it this far, I find it very honoring that you did. I'm not saying you have to agree with me or anything, but thanks for reading. It means something. Have a good day, try to be optimistic, and view things from different points of view! Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't let people get to you. You're loved! Be happy!
Hehe, I'm in a really good mood.
I took off my shirt and stood halfnaked infront of the many mirrors in my house for a long while today. It's been a very long time since I've been comfortable with my body. From February 2004, to January 2005, I was bulimic. I'm willing to admit that, and I'm not going to attention whore myself with it. But there's no point in not being straightforward. It was nasty and ugly and vomit smells really weird. I struggle with it every now and then, but right now I'm fine. Anyway, back to the topic. I'm still not totally comfortable with my physical appearance, but I'm getting better. All this lack of self-esteem has made me irritable, rash in some lights, jealous, hell, it made me a fucking bitch. I'm cool with admitting that now. I'm mellowing out. I feel pretty. Hahaha, that sounded so stupid, but it's true. For once in a long while, I feel really gorgeous and thin. I'm feeling more positive torwards things, and I'm not sweating the small stuff as much anymore. I'm happier with myself. I enjoy more things. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I am pretty. They say when you've heard something about yourself so much, you begin to believe it. Until I was 12 years old, no one ever said I was pretty. No one, but now, I only need myself to think I'm pretty. And fucking hell, I feel beautiful. Good god, everyone is beautiful. It doesn't matter if you're over or underweight, too short or too tall, god, you are beautiful.
Also, I'm tired of denying that I like certain things. I like vampires. No, I fucking love VAMPIRES! I don't care what you say! I relish in the fact that vampires exist. I don't care if it's the cult vampires who drink blood from disease-tested people, or if it's the supernatural vampire, I fucking love vampires. I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore. I LOVE VAMPIRES. I love the romance that's tied in, living at night, the fucking beauty of it all. I love it. And when I get older, I'm going to join those groups of vampires that are people who are inducted into a clan, cult, group, whatever you want to call it, that drink a small amount of blood from a tested person, and have gatherings. I don't care what you think of that, I am joining one. I love vampires! Nothing excites my mind like a pasty-skinned, dark-haired vampire. So go fuck yourself if you can't accept that, but I still love you.
Oh, and another thing. I like being topless around people I know. Not just everyone I know, mind you, but people I'm comfortable around, like close friends who won't wig out over it. And I like just being in a bra. I'm not slutty, I'm just comfortable like that. And I like going into swimming pools with all my clothes on. I find it romantic. I love being touched. Not in a sexual way, but just human physical contact is so fucking comforting, I don't know why. Vic, you know what I mean. I love hugs! I like being held, I like platonic kisses, I like platonic licks. And depending on who you are, I like it non-platonic, too. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but it's the truth. And I like candy! And glowsticks! And the taste of blood! And I don't think I'm a gothic, deep person, either! Hahaha! Isn't life great?!
I like having some kind of control over situations, it's just a nice feeling. I'm in such a good mood right now! You know what, I am comfortable with myself, even if it is just for the time being. Oh, and to all the kids who have low self-esteems, it's not completely your fault, but it's not totally other people's, either. So get off your ass and do something! You're beautiful! Don't fucking waste yourself because you can't get over some problem.
I want to publish a book full of my poetry and my short stories. I really do like some of my work, even when I say I don't. So I'd appreciate it if one of you could suggest a publisher to me. When I die, I want to have atleast one book with my name on it. And when I die, I want to be cremated, and at my funeral, I want everybody to get so fucking drunk or high or whatever, and just have a good time, because crying isn't going to do shit for you. Dance with my corpse, I don't care, if it entertains you, do it. I want my funeral to be one fucking huge party. But back to the original point, I want to publish a book.
I want all of you to be happy, and I know a lot of you are, but you're just hiding behind a "depression" motif. Here's a really honest piece of advice: just drop it. Everyone will like you better if you don't whine. Learn to enjoy life instead of sitting around and crying because you're so gothy. Everybody gets sad once in a while, don't act like it's exclusively you. Listen to some mellow music instead of your Linkin Park and whatnot. I fucking love being happy! Everybody fucking gets happy, and you know it, so don't say you don't know what happiness is. I remember singing a gayass chorus song in fifth grade called Happiness. "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, having a sister, tying your shoe for the very first time." Yes, that does sound very lame, but it's true. But enough about that.
I love reading, playing videogames, using big words, and writing. I really really couldn't give a shit if you think I'm nerdy. I want a more optimistic life, and I am taking steps in that direction. I am mellowing, and I love it. In different points of view, everything is awesome. My favorite words are vaudeville, macabre, innuendo, and fuck. Yeah, everybody's favorite word is "fuck" nowadays, but I don't feel some driving urge not to like it just because a lot of people do. And those other words just sound cool.
What's up with not being able to like something because a lot of people like it? Like when I say, "Hey, do you like this band?" and some kid has to say "No, because everyone else likes them." Who cares who likes them? I don't see how people profess to only be themselves, when they only like what lies with minority. People can be really stupid sometimes, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I know a lot of you probably have a lot to critisize in this, but I'm just saying what I think. Sorry if I said some contradictions, I don't really plan to edit this at all. I'm just in a really really great mood. I feel pretty, and I think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I know that sounds really regurgitated from a lot of websites, but I'm dead serious. To all of you who read it this far, I find it very honoring that you did. I'm not saying you have to agree with me or anything, but thanks for reading. It means something. Have a good day, try to be optimistic, and view things from different points of view! Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't let people get to you. You're loved! Be happy!
Hehe, I'm in a really good mood.