[fic] Distractions

[morbid_musings]

Distractions

Rating : T
Summary: Kaoru feel bored, but big brother comes to the rescue.

Disclaimer: Ouran Host Club does not belong to me.
Feedback: All criticism accepted.
Word Count : 2149
Notes: Thanks to

Comments

[ina_noranaya]

I enjoyed this, but I'd also like to voice a bit of (along the way, this became a lie) concrit. I will say that I didn't notice a problem with the flow of the transition the first (but that wouldn't stop it not making sense to other people, my perceptions can be weird).

I am impressed that you were able to take a bit of kissing and groping and make it so hot.

There was one typo, I think, in the 9th paragraph (counting the two one-lines), where the sentence cuts off with "embarrassed or."

There's really only one important flaw that I could see, probably because I am guity of it my self. And that is that oftentimes you say two things instead of one, or even the same thing twice. You try to pile on too many words and metaphors at once. (See, exactly like that XD) I liked the image of your twisted-pretzel-Buddha!Hikaru, though. But in, say, "As if he was fuelled by a motor engine, Kaoru purred like a cat," you could combine them: "Kaoru purred like a motorized cat." (I know just the sound-experience you're talking about, by the way, but you don't have to hit your reader over the head with it to get it across. A lot of the writing that I just die over is what manages to suggest instead of saying outright.)

Or take this: He flung the shirt away from the sofa, leaving it to stretch upon the floor the way Kaoru's body stretched beneath him, as part of the mess in the room as if it had always been there, trying to convince them that it belonged there. In this, you could leave off everything after "trying."

And in "slithered like a snake," I actually did ask myself what else he might slither like. I don't really want to think about the possible answer. (Seriously--an octopus, maybe? What else slithers?)

And I was aiming for "genuinely curious" instead of "sarcastically incredulous" for the tone in that. Feel free to yell at me if I failed.

The dialogue was a shade cliche at times. (I hate using the word cliche; it makes me feel dirty. Must be, again, because I'm guilty.)

Despite wanting to yell at them for cutting out the making out, on another level, I admit to liking the ending precisely because it left me frustrated. Good job. In other words: yes, torment your readers! I, on the otherhand, haven't written anything worthwhile and therefore have no readers to torment. Except you, sort of, but I feel bad already for subjecting you to the monster this comment is morphing into.

You could possibly, if you're ambitious, try cutting all but the first sentence of the last paragraph; it seems like it could use a punchy one-liner here.

Please don't take this too harshly, I really did like the piece overall. I'm just a wannabe trying to tackle writing for myself, (which is why I've got all this criticism sitting on my brain).

[morbid_musings]

Wow, I honestly don't know what to say. I'm not offended by the critique at all, but love you for pointing all these things out. You didn't torment me at all. I really appreciate your thoughtful and very well-written feedback.

I know that I'm guilty of wordiness. It's a hard for me to get rid of that because I love explaining things in great detail. I’ve also been corrupted too much by the likes of Oscar Wilde (although I doubt that I could ever compare myself to his brilliance). I’m trying to curb it somehow, but it’s still hard. In other words, I still have to learn what the “show, don’t tell theory is”.

In spite of that, the writing I love also happens to subtly suggest. Also being involved in the Naruto fandom, we share the same favourite authors (I love, love des_butterfly and ronsard. Sorry if I sound strange for checking your profile out). So, I think I understand very well what you’ve been saying so far.

A snail slithers too, I guess. However, I think that's slightly gross for a metaphor.

If I think about it “genuinely curious” does seem more fitting for the twins and overall tone of the fic. Thanks for pointing that out.

I think that we’re all guilty of using clichés at times. They’re nearly impossible to avoid.

I’m glad you liked the ending. It was my intention to torment the readers with this fic. If I had given them everything -- namely the smut, I don’t think that this story would much point.

I’ll use your suggestion of cutting that paragraph. I’ll just have to think of punch-line.

Again, thanks for the awesome feedback. It’s always nice to receive substantial feedback. That’s the sort that is the most helpful. I’m really glad that you took the time to tell me what worked and what not.

Can I, if this doesn’t too presumptuous friend you, because you seem awesome?

Besides, I’d love to read your work, if you ever manage to tackle to write something. Then I can torment you in return (or just praise to death; it depends).

[ina_noranaya]

The "genuinely curious" bit was actually a commentary on my own slithers-question; I realized midway through it could be interpreted offensively. And snails!

I'm floored, because I don't think I've ever been called awesome before. *blushes* (What makes this even more flattering is that that's just how I've felt about most of the people I've friended. I am simply not worthy.) But you're welcome to friend me. I'll be sure to nose around your journal too, and then hopefully friend you back. ^_^

I'm actually afraid to take on fandom. XD But, if you're suicidal or a glutton for punishment or something (okay, the writing's not that bad, but I wouldn't call it good either), I have put up maybe 4 pieces of short original fiction on my lj. So, if you were morbidly curious about my writing style, anyway, you could get a sense for how bad it is.