Fat Bastard has an Incident
Ok, I am going to hit a subject that everyone has at one point spoke about sometime in their life. The only reason why I bring it up is more of a reminder or warning kinda.. and just to say what happened to me involving this subject.
Toilet, the John, the loo, the crapper, the head; these are many names that you can call the place where you are going to "take-care-of-business". When I am at home I say "I am going to go the bathroom" (mostly), at work I say "I am going to take care of business", when I am out and about (shopping, eating at a restaurant, or hanging out at some community hot-spot) I say "I am going to the restroom" or "I need to make a pit-stop".
This is exactly where my story is going to take us. Into that place where we all do the nasty.
I don't know about you, but I really hate going to public restrooms. I have done it, but I really don't like it. Even at school I hated going to the restroom. I used to try to hold whatever I had to do until I got home and then rush to the bathroom (the one that I know was clean) and release. But, that soon stopped when I started staying at school longer than the normal school hours. After you have stayed at some place for so long, you kind-of develop a second home and it becomes easier to use.
Now lets get one thing straight I am not afraid of going in public. I just.. re-ally don't like using facilities that I am unsure of how clean they are. The school became easier cause I started working there and well... even though I was a student assistant I had to clean the restrooms every now and then. And, well since I new where to find the cleaning supplies I would just wipe the seat down, before I sat.
Yeah, yeah there are those plastic things that you can press to the seat, but those are uncomfortable and they tend to stick to my butt. I prefer to give the seat a good wipe down. And if it is impossible for me to clean myself I will get the people who can and have them clean it.
I also hate when someone you don't know sits in a stall within ear shot of you ,and then they feel the need to speak with you. God, I have only ever talked to friends that I was close to in the crapper. Generally if someone else comes in I stop what I am doing and wait for them to leave. If I don't make a sound maybe that person will think I am not sociable and leave without saying a word. (I should say the stuff that I was doing was the nasty and not the thing that makes ya' happy don't get it twisted.)
Back to the unclean statement I can't stand it when I have to take a dump and some jacka$$ has taken the liberty to piss all over the seat or worse used the whole stall to wipe his a$$. I said that I would wipe the seat down, but there is only so much I will do. At this point I would go to another cleaner stall if possible and if not I would inform the manager of whatever store I was at that their restroom wasn't fit for humans to use.
This is just something that makes me feel nasty and irritated. Ya' know when you are takin' a dump and you get that back wash or splash that hits you directly in the brown eye. I can't stand it when that happens. I don't care if it was my on $h!t water. I don't want it touching me, not even on the place where the $h!t came from.
I enjoy the relief you get after you have already done your business in the loo. That sensation of empty makes you feel lighter and in a way cleaner (you did just clean your butt or well at least I hope you did). What really helps is if you have some nice soft thick toilet-paper. Nothing like wiping with the kind that has lotion in it and is quilted with a pattern that helps grab and pull off the $h!t from you a$$.
Now, when it comes to using public areas you don't really get that since of accomplishment or great relief. No no, what you get is the feeling of at least I took care of business and I hope I never have to do that again. Or, even the thought of maybe I didn't get clean enough. This is all due to the cheap rolls of toilet-paper that they use in the public restrooms. All public restrooms have the un-patterned, thinner than writing paper, small rolls of toilet-paper. The kind that you have to use a mile per wipe, the kind that easily rips, and last but not least the kind that is rough and coarse against the skin. There are probably some other character flaws to it, but I think I hit enough.
These things have happened to me more than once going public: The paper rips and you get crap on your hand, Someone thought it would be funny to piss on the toilet-paper before you arrived, Someone used an entire roll of paper to wipe their a$$ and then stopped the toilet up with it, and the thing which spawned my want to type out this bathroom rant.
The other day I was shopping for a birthday card for my Dad. I found some really good ones. I had been out and about with my brother all day buying my Dad's gift and now his card. And, I could no longer hold back the fury, the burden, in my body. I picked out the card handed it to my brother and said time-to-take-care-of-business. I couldn't hold it any longer I felt like I was going to burst all over myself and near by pedestrians. I quickly ran to the restroom. Only to find that the first stall was occupied, the second stall was pissed on, and the final was low on paper. I figured it should be enough. Like a good little soldier I tried to be quick with my deposit. I wasn't in more than 5 mins. Which on average is pretty good, but on my own personal average it was getting pretty long (no I don't time myself... all the time). Done with the nasty and all I had to do was wipe/wash/and leave. I commence with the cleaning. I knew that it would take a handfull per wipe and since it wasn't my toilet-paper I didn't care about keeping it folded. Leaving it as a random wod of paper I continued on with strife. One wipe, two wipe... threeeeeeeee F**K wouldn't you know it the coarse paper became just sharp enough on one of the corners of my wod and cut me... right on my a$$-hole. F**k, that pain still haunts me. When I think about it my butt clinches up real tight.
After this happened I remembered why I hated going to the public restroom. Even after I got myself clean my used toilet-paper still had blood on it.
My poor butt. Now I know everyone has had something bad or awkward happen to them in the bathroom. Sound off. (I never hit on the bathroom stalkers)
Toilet, the John, the loo, the crapper, the head; these are many names that you can call the place where you are going to "take-care-of-business". When I am at home I say "I am going to go the bathroom" (mostly), at work I say "I am going to take care of business", when I am out and about (shopping, eating at a restaurant, or hanging out at some community hot-spot) I say "I am going to the restroom" or "I need to make a pit-stop".
This is exactly where my story is going to take us. Into that place where we all do the nasty.
I don't know about you, but I really hate going to public restrooms. I have done it, but I really don't like it. Even at school I hated going to the restroom. I used to try to hold whatever I had to do until I got home and then rush to the bathroom (the one that I know was clean) and release. But, that soon stopped when I started staying at school longer than the normal school hours. After you have stayed at some place for so long, you kind-of develop a second home and it becomes easier to use.
Now lets get one thing straight I am not afraid of going in public. I just.. re-ally don't like using facilities that I am unsure of how clean they are. The school became easier cause I started working there and well... even though I was a student assistant I had to clean the restrooms every now and then. And, well since I new where to find the cleaning supplies I would just wipe the seat down, before I sat.
Yeah, yeah there are those plastic things that you can press to the seat, but those are uncomfortable and they tend to stick to my butt. I prefer to give the seat a good wipe down. And if it is impossible for me to clean myself I will get the people who can and have them clean it.
I also hate when someone you don't know sits in a stall within ear shot of you ,and then they feel the need to speak with you. God, I have only ever talked to friends that I was close to in the crapper. Generally if someone else comes in I stop what I am doing and wait for them to leave. If I don't make a sound maybe that person will think I am not sociable and leave without saying a word. (I should say the stuff that I was doing was the nasty and not the thing that makes ya' happy don't get it twisted.)
Back to the unclean statement I can't stand it when I have to take a dump and some jacka$$ has taken the liberty to piss all over the seat or worse used the whole stall to wipe his a$$. I said that I would wipe the seat down, but there is only so much I will do. At this point I would go to another cleaner stall if possible and if not I would inform the manager of whatever store I was at that their restroom wasn't fit for humans to use.
This is just something that makes me feel nasty and irritated. Ya' know when you are takin' a dump and you get that back wash or splash that hits you directly in the brown eye. I can't stand it when that happens. I don't care if it was my on $h!t water. I don't want it touching me, not even on the place where the $h!t came from.
I enjoy the relief you get after you have already done your business in the loo. That sensation of empty makes you feel lighter and in a way cleaner (you did just clean your butt or well at least I hope you did). What really helps is if you have some nice soft thick toilet-paper. Nothing like wiping with the kind that has lotion in it and is quilted with a pattern that helps grab and pull off the $h!t from you a$$.
Now, when it comes to using public areas you don't really get that since of accomplishment or great relief. No no, what you get is the feeling of at least I took care of business and I hope I never have to do that again. Or, even the thought of maybe I didn't get clean enough. This is all due to the cheap rolls of toilet-paper that they use in the public restrooms. All public restrooms have the un-patterned, thinner than writing paper, small rolls of toilet-paper. The kind that you have to use a mile per wipe, the kind that easily rips, and last but not least the kind that is rough and coarse against the skin. There are probably some other character flaws to it, but I think I hit enough.
These things have happened to me more than once going public: The paper rips and you get crap on your hand, Someone thought it would be funny to piss on the toilet-paper before you arrived, Someone used an entire roll of paper to wipe their a$$ and then stopped the toilet up with it, and the thing which spawned my want to type out this bathroom rant.
The other day I was shopping for a birthday card for my Dad. I found some really good ones. I had been out and about with my brother all day buying my Dad's gift and now his card. And, I could no longer hold back the fury, the burden, in my body. I picked out the card handed it to my brother and said time-to-take-care-of-business. I couldn't hold it any longer I felt like I was going to burst all over myself and near by pedestrians. I quickly ran to the restroom. Only to find that the first stall was occupied, the second stall was pissed on, and the final was low on paper. I figured it should be enough. Like a good little soldier I tried to be quick with my deposit. I wasn't in more than 5 mins. Which on average is pretty good, but on my own personal average it was getting pretty long (no I don't time myself... all the time). Done with the nasty and all I had to do was wipe/wash/and leave. I commence with the cleaning. I knew that it would take a handfull per wipe and since it wasn't my toilet-paper I didn't care about keeping it folded. Leaving it as a random wod of paper I continued on with strife. One wipe, two wipe... threeeeeeeee F**K wouldn't you know it the coarse paper became just sharp enough on one of the corners of my wod and cut me... right on my a$$-hole. F**k, that pain still haunts me. When I think about it my butt clinches up real tight.
After this happened I remembered why I hated going to the public restroom. Even after I got myself clean my used toilet-paper still had blood on it.
My poor butt. Now I know everyone has had something bad or awkward happen to them in the bathroom. Sound off. (I never hit on the bathroom stalkers)