Silliness and Vampires
Mike Versus the Vampire
The Vampire stands in the open doorway, taking in the room. Across from him, a pale girl sleeps on a futon that smells of sex and milk stains. She is bleeding a little; he can smell that, too. Between the vampire and the girl, there’s a thin, bald man wearing a turtleneck sweater and an old pair of jeans. That’s me. My name is Mike, and I’m here to kill him.
"God,” says the Vampire. His mouth opens in a perfect imitation of human surprise. I bend my right knee, just a little. He’s going to move soon. “Did you hurt her?”
I keep my eyes on his mouth. When he comes at me, he’s going to lead with his face. That’s what vampires do. Looking at his mouth also keeps my eyes away from his; that’s the real danger - if he hypnotizes me, even for a second, it’s over.
“Look,” he says, “what do you want?” He’s good at talking without showing the fangs. “Say something!”
Talking to vampires never helps. I raise my left arm, let him see the machete I’m holding.
Drop that. The Compulsion is so strong I almost mistake it for my own thought, but I know better. When I don’t react, he drops the act completely.
“You’re going to die here,” he tells me. I smile. I can feel him in my head. I hope he sees some of the other things I’ve killed. Vampires are arrogant - too arrogant to be scared of a guy like me - but it might piss him off a little.
Vampires are very fast. When he comes, it’ll be in a blur, all strength and fangs. But my blade is sharp, much sharper than he suspects. If I put it between us, he’ll cut himself in two. I keep watching his mouth.
“Baby?” Behind me, the girl - her name is Alison - stirs. I’m still feeling a little gross about knocking her out, and it makes me stupid. I look back at her for half a second. That’s all it takes - I try to protect my throat with the machete, but it’s a lost cause. The Vampire is behind me before I even see that he’s moved. His teeth slice through the cotton of my shirt and penetrate the flesh beneath.
It hurts. I have to tighten my grip on the machete to keep from crying out, but I’ve already won. All I have to do now is give him a second to drink the stuff soaked into my collar.
He lets go, shrieking. Alison screams, too. I’m losing blood from the open artery in my neck. I spin, flailing with the machete. If I miss, I’m dead. My body is telling me to faint.
I don’t miss. The machete cuts neatly through the Vampire’s spine, severing his head. A jet of his blood hits the ceiling. Alison keeps screaming. I cover my neck and stagger for the door. About two steps outside, my legs give out, but it’s ok; my backup’s already running towards me with bandages. He pulls the remains of my collar away and presses gauze against the wound. He’s gotten good at this.
“How was it?” Leold asks me, wrapping tape around the gauze.
“You know,” I’m trying to smile, but it’s not very convincing. “Sucked.”
Then I pass out.
The Vampire stands in the open doorway, taking in the room. Across from him, a pale girl sleeps on a futon that smells of sex and milk stains. She is bleeding a little; he can smell that, too. Between the vampire and the girl, there’s a thin, bald man wearing a turtleneck sweater and an old pair of jeans. That’s me. My name is Mike, and I’m here to kill him.
"God,” says the Vampire. His mouth opens in a perfect imitation of human surprise. I bend my right knee, just a little. He’s going to move soon. “Did you hurt her?”
I keep my eyes on his mouth. When he comes at me, he’s going to lead with his face. That’s what vampires do. Looking at his mouth also keeps my eyes away from his; that’s the real danger - if he hypnotizes me, even for a second, it’s over.
“Look,” he says, “what do you want?” He’s good at talking without showing the fangs. “Say something!”
Talking to vampires never helps. I raise my left arm, let him see the machete I’m holding.
Drop that. The Compulsion is so strong I almost mistake it for my own thought, but I know better. When I don’t react, he drops the act completely.
“You’re going to die here,” he tells me. I smile. I can feel him in my head. I hope he sees some of the other things I’ve killed. Vampires are arrogant - too arrogant to be scared of a guy like me - but it might piss him off a little.
Vampires are very fast. When he comes, it’ll be in a blur, all strength and fangs. But my blade is sharp, much sharper than he suspects. If I put it between us, he’ll cut himself in two. I keep watching his mouth.
“Baby?” Behind me, the girl - her name is Alison - stirs. I’m still feeling a little gross about knocking her out, and it makes me stupid. I look back at her for half a second. That’s all it takes - I try to protect my throat with the machete, but it’s a lost cause. The Vampire is behind me before I even see that he’s moved. His teeth slice through the cotton of my shirt and penetrate the flesh beneath.
It hurts. I have to tighten my grip on the machete to keep from crying out, but I’ve already won. All I have to do now is give him a second to drink the stuff soaked into my collar.
He lets go, shrieking. Alison screams, too. I’m losing blood from the open artery in my neck. I spin, flailing with the machete. If I miss, I’m dead. My body is telling me to faint.
I don’t miss. The machete cuts neatly through the Vampire’s spine, severing his head. A jet of his blood hits the ceiling. Alison keeps screaming. I cover my neck and stagger for the door. About two steps outside, my legs give out, but it’s ok; my backup’s already running towards me with bandages. He pulls the remains of my collar away and presses gauze against the wound. He’s gotten good at this.
“How was it?” Leold asks me, wrapping tape around the gauze.
“You know,” I’m trying to smile, but it’s not very convincing. “Sucked.”
Then I pass out.