(no subject)

[moralityplay]

tomorrow is the 14th anniversary of my father's death. one man, one day, that has had a vast impact on my entire life. it's always in my thoughts this time of year. even more this year after i finally have admitted how angry i was/am that he left me and for all the 'trouble' his death caused. i miss him, but i still haven't totally reconciled with him. i'm coming closer to some kind of peace, after pretending to be fine with it for so long. it's weird that i should still feel so much grief sometimes, it's hard not to be frustrated with myself. my grandfather dying in may has made some of this feel fresh again. but i know it's better that i allow and admit to myself that i still feel things about his death rather than hiding my feelings in some sealed off corner of my self.

i'm going with Ben and his friends tomorrow to warped tour in indy--i know it will be a great time, but i know where my mind will be wondering throughout the day. part of me is excited and restless to see my boyfriend, watch a bunch of silly little punk kids, drool over an aging billy idol. part of me is preocupied with how my mother will be feeling tomorrow, wishing i could be with her, sorting through memories of my father hoping that the sound of his voice, his sense of humor, the way his face moved, all the quirky remembrances of a little girl about her father aren't lost.

and part of me is still so angry. it's making it hard to focus on finishing my laundry.