This year didn't really start out the way I would have liked.
I mentioned in my previous post that something was "going on at home"
Well, we're taking care of Hachi (a friend's dog) for a month, and Saga went in heat. After 30h of trying out solutions Andreas simply had to move out with Hachi and stay at the owners' place (they're in Thailand on vacation /visiting family). January was going to be a super busy month for me with work so I got really angry that I was suddenly spending a couple of days on this instead and then... I got really really sick.
Alone in this cold & dark house, over a week of weird fever dreams combined with my frustration and guilt that I couldn't work. I quickly spiralled into a really dark place in my mind. That's why I've barely been on-line.
Andreas is back now, and the dogs are playing around like normal. But I'm not back to "normal", I'm trying my best but there hasn't been one day when I haven't been crying my heart out
I feel as if I might have just pushed aside all my emotions during this autumn and Christmas a bit. I didn't have time to really feel what not taking antidepressants did to me. Not when there was the cancer and family-stuff, I had to be strong. I also didn't know that there was so much baggage waiting for me to deal with. I've been so sad to discover anxieties I thought was long gone, just were suppressed for all these years.
I'm never recommending anyone to take antidepressants if they don't absolutely need to take them to survive. Like I did. They sure made me "survive", and be somewhat normal. But at what cost? I could barely draw (not write at all) as I was robbed of my imagination. So many years lost where I could have created art. And now I find I need to deal with all the things I though I had. This is all a weird and painful journey. I don't really know how to describe it in words. I don't really know what's happening to me or who I am any more.
I'm doing my best to get through this, I'm so sorry for being absent and not replying to messages and stuff.