+ Fix You [2/2] [2PM]
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+
It's not that Chansung is having a gay freakout (he had one of those years ago, back when he made out with his opponent in his first serious kendo competition at the age of eleven). It's not that he regrets what he did with Khun (how could he, when Khun is so amazing with his tongue). It hadn't lasted all that long, and things had been a little awkward afterwards, but Chansung has no problem with the act itself. It's just that it was kind of… unexpected. Not once did he pick up on any signs from Khun's end, so either he's not as good at reading people as he'd like to think he is or Khun is really good at hiding what he's feeling. It's been a few hours now and even though he hasn't seen Khun since it's been all he can think about.
"Hey man," Taec says, joining him at the nurse's station. He grins briefly at Nurse Bae before handing her a folder and leaning against the bench. "I saw the mural, those crabs that are the same size as the whale are stellar."
"Shut up, sick children drew those so they're perfect," Chansung says absently. He forces himself to concentrate and finishes reading over his chart before signing it and leaning over to file it.
"You okay?" Taec asks, and Chansung looks up to see him watching, dark eyes narrowed. "Tell Taecyeonnie-hyung all your problems."
Chansung looks around but no one they know is near and Nurse Bae is chatting with someone a few metres away, so he pulls Taec closer and says quietly, "It's Khun."
"Ah, the aftermath of the paint kiss," Taec says knowingly, and Chansung gapes.
"You know?"
"Of course, I know everything." Taec stands up tall, trying to be mysterious, but he fails miserably when his eyes crinkle up at the corners and his teeth poke out in a large grin. "Actually, Kwon knows everything, I just know lots about Khun. I'm his housemate, he tells me things. Also, he talks to his sisters on the phone and I eavesdrop."
Chansung shakes his head. "Hyung," he says, disapproving, but he can't help but be glad that he doesn't have to explain everything. "What should I do now?"
"You and Khun are as stupid as each other. You know he's in the same state as you? And you also know that nothing more is going to happen until you stop talking to other people about it and actually talk to each other."
He says it like the prospect isn't utterly terrifying, like the possibility of rejection isn't a concern, and like the outcome doesn't determine Chansung's potential for a happy and fulfilled future.
Taec rolls his eyes at Chansung's silence. "God, would you stop stressing? You like each other, you have a good time together, neither of you are attached, neither of you is an authority figure, just have fun with it, take it as it comes."
Chansung wishes it really was that simple, but he knows from experience that as soon as you swap out two different genders for two of the same you immediately lose a lot of that ease, not to mention the fact that they work together and he doesn't know what Khun wants and-
"Seriously Chansungie, you don't have to get married." He punches Chansung's shoulder. "Not that you could anyway, right, because it's illegal."
Chansung sighs. "Go away now."
"Going!" Taecyeon salutes cheerfully, and with a last wink at Nurse Bae he whisks away towards the on call rooms.
Chansung rolls his eyes when Nurse Bae follows after him less than a minute later.
+
The next day is just as bad. Right from when he gets up far too early, through his hurried shower and breakfast and drive to the hospital, through to his pre-rounds and everything in between, all he can he think about is Khun. No matter how much he tries to concentrate, his mind keeps wandering to the memory of Khun's hands on him, his lips, his warm breath and even warmer tongue and…
Rounds that morning are a disaster. Doctor Seo asks him the most basic question about a bowel resection and he's just about to answer but then Khun smiles at something and he suddenly can't remember anything and is left stuttering and clueless, which Doctor Seo doesn't react well to at all. While the others all get to scrub in on surgeries he gets put on scut as punishment for his mistake, and the concept of running labs for hours on end is enough to make Chansung want to bang his head against a wall.
The feeling only intensifies when Khun pulls him into a linen closet right after rounds. He keeps the door open, but Chansung still feels himself tense up.
"So we should talk," Khun says, fidgeting a little and looking just as uncomfortable as Chansung feels.
"Yeah," Chansung agrees, hoping he doesn't mean that in a way that means 'let's talk right at this moment or else'.
"I'm busy now, obviously," Khun says, and Chansung lets out his breath in a rush (of relief or in disappointment, he's not sure-maybe both?), but then Khun continues, "so how about lunch?"
Chansung nods. "Okay," he says, and Khun offers a small smile before turning and walking away.
+
At first Chansung is happy for the extra few hours to gather his wits but their lunch break comes way too soon, and he is still way too nervous to have a proper conversation.
When they meet up in the cafeteria it's by accident, Khun joining the line for the vending machine just behind him, and Chansung is so awkward as he pretends to be just fine, pretends like he's not still constantly thinking about Khun, pretends like he doesn't want to just push him down and start sucking on his neck right in front of every doctor here.
Once they've got their food they both look over to the table where the others are sitting, Junho and Junsu laughing loudly as Taec and Wooyoung perform a bad parody of some vaguely familiar idol group choreography, before looking at each other and wordlessly heading back inside to find somewhere else.
+
They end up in the stairwell that no one ever uses, in the East Wing where Peds used to be before the whole department got an upgrade. It's quiet, probably the only quiet place in the hospital, but it's like a ghost town and Chansung had crowded closer to Khun as they walked down the empty corridor, feeling very creeped out.
Khun sits on the top step and Chansung sits beside him, their food left forgotten behind them, and for a few moments they sit in silence.
Chansung starts to feel suffocated, under incredible pressure to say the right thing, but for once he doesn't know what that is. Talk to him, Taec had said, but he doesn't really know where to begin.
Chansung clears his throat, finally daring to look at Khun.
Khun looks back.
They stay like that for a while.
And then something in Khun's eyes softens and he suddenly shifts closer, pressing their thighs together. Chansung lets him know it's okay by taking his hand, unable to stop himself from nervously playing with Khun's fingers.
"I'm usually not like this," Khun says. He seems to be waiting for something so Chansung nods. "I'm passive aggressive. I don't talk about things if I think it'll cause an issue and it takes me a while to process things and I wouldn't confront you about this, except we kissed. And I liked it. And I like you."
Khun stops. Chansung blinks.
"I like you too," he says.
"Okay," Khun says.
And then Chansung finds himself sliding his fingers to Khun's wrist, up the inside of his arm, up his hard bicep and over the sleeve of his scrubs, across his shoulder and to his neck, where his hand finally stops and his fingertips brush the hair at Khun's nape. Khun's eyes are so trusting as he angles his face toward Chansung's and Chansung leans in and presses his mouth to Khun's, gentle at first, and it isn't quite right because his nose is squishing Khun's but then Khun tilts his head further and opens his mouth and it's perfect. Chansung strokes Khun's neck and Khun's closest arm moves to run up Chansung's back, fingers tracing his vertebrae as his tongue traces Chansung's lips. Chansung gets steadily warmer, tinglier, and it isn't until Khun pulls away slightly that he remembers his need to breathe.
"Talking is overrated anyway," Khun says unsteadily, and Chansung can see how much he's trying to force himself to be articulate, can see it in his dark eyes and reddened ears and panting mouth, before he gives up completely and pulls Chansung towards him again.
+
"So you guys never came back at lunch yesterday, what happened?" Taec asks the next morning, dropping down next to Chansung on the bench in the locker room. Chansung wrinkles his nose as the distinct stench of vomit invades his nostrils and pushes him away.
"What happened to you, you're gross," he complains and Taec looks down at the large stain on his scrubs and shrugs.
"I was on call last night, didn't have time to change until now." He lifts his scrub top off, muscles bulging and sliding against his skin with the action. Chansung tries not to admire his physique too obviously. "Soooooo what happened?"
"Nothing," Chansung says. He stands up and slides on his coat, securing his pens in the breast pocket. "We just made out a little." He finally looks back at Taec, who has an eyebrow raised very high, and he can't help the smile from spreading across his face. "If 'a little' actually translates to 'a lot'."
Taec grins back "Sexcellent," he crows, clapping Chansung on the arm. "Go for it buddy, get that hot Thai tail."
"Thai tail?" Chansung repeats, amused, and Taec shrugs helplessly.
"I just finished a thirty hour shift, it's the best I got."
"Chansung, we're rounding," Junho says, poking his head around the corner, and Chansung nods.
"Get some rest okay," he says to Taec, because other man looks like he now needs about thirty hours of sleep, and Chansung has learned that he always pretends to be much more energetic than he actually is. "Or I won't tell you anything else. Ever."
Taec immediately falls back to sprawl against the bench, faking loud, long snores.
+
Rounding for Chansung is thankfully a one hundred percent improvement on the day before, and he even answers a question that no one else knows about the procedure involved in completing a craniotomy. Junho pulls a face and pretends not to be jealous as Doctor Seo tells Chansung he did a good job, but Khun winks at Chansung and then lets their hands brush together as they move on to the next patient and that definitely makes up for Junho's bad sportsmanship.
His day only improves when they reach the last room on their rotation and he walks in to see Mrs. Hong sitting on the bed, beaming at him. Chansung supposes it's probably not very nice to feel happy that someone he likes is spending so much time in hospital, but honestly it's so nice to see a familiar face that he can't bring himself to care.
"Doctor Nichkhun," Doctor Seo says, and Khun smiles widely at Mrs. Hong before reeling off her post-operative stats. Chansung listens with one ear, wondering where Misun is.
When Khun finishes Doctor Seo hands Chansung the chart. "Doctor Hwang, you'll be covering post-op patients today," Doctor Seo says. Chansung feels his brief spate of pleasure fizzle at the thought of all the monitoring he has to do now, wondering when he'll ever get a break, and feeling only marginally better when Khun smiles at him one last time before Doctor's Seo herds him out.
Trying not to sigh, Chansung turns back to Mrs. Hong and opens her chart. "You're recovering well," he says, scanning its contents. "How's the pain?"
"I feel like I'm dying every time my painkillers wear off," she says bluntly, and she sounds so much like Misun that Chansung can't help laughing.
"I'm told that's normal," he tells her, moving around to pull down the covers, inspecting the plaster cast. "I haven't seen Misun in a while."
"She's had school. My sister will be bringing her in later though, you should come by again."
"Oh," he says, disappointed. He hasn't been able to see her since the fundraiser and he's been finding himself missing her. "I'm not sure I'll make it, I'm gonna be pretty busy. How is she? How are her injuries?"
"She's fine. Thank you so much, you did an excellent job with the stitches."
Chansung bows his head in thanks.
"I've scheduled her for an eye test though," she continues. "She's had a few headaches, and it's about that time. Everyone in my family has glasses, she doesn't stand a chance."
"Glasses are pretty cool these days anyway," Chansung says, finishing up. "Okay, you're alright for now. Do you know when you get to go home?"
"Doctor San said he'd come with a physiotherapist and speak to me today," she tells him, settling under the blanket. "Do try and visit again later, okay?"
Chansung nods. "Okay. Right now, I have to go. You just relax and get better."
She nods, already nuzzling back into her pillow, and Chansung lets her be.
+
After that it's a blur of complaining patients, patients in pain and patients with post-op complications and patients with questions that Chansung can't answer. He's frustrated and annoyed by the time lunch comes around, especially since it doesn't match up with Khun's-or anyone's, for that matter-and he eats alone in the locker room.
When he finally earns an afternoon break (technically he's just waiting for some results but he'll take what he can get) he's more than ready to see Khun and he sneaks away to page him. He still hasn't heard anything back in three minutes so he decides to go looking for him and is just passing the on-call rooms on the first floor when someone grabs his arm, yanks him inside one of them, and turns the lock.
"What-" he starts but then turns to see Khun and he's such a welcome sight that he can't stop himself from grinning. "You should check your pager," he says, "I've been trying to contact you, it might be broken-"
But before he can continue Khun grabs his face, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones as he curls his fingers behind his ears, and then they're pressed together. Khun's palms are warm and dry on his cheeks, gentle pressure that draws him even closer so he can feel Khun's hot breath against his lips but Khun's not doing anything, just standing there watching Chansung, so Chansung takes the initiative and then they're there-lips together, mouths opening, tongues sliding, and Chansung has never wanted anything as badly in his life, except maybe his residency.
"Want you so much," Khun mutters and Chansung can't tell if it's those reciprocating words or the way Khun is licking down his throat that makes him shiver but Khun seems delighted by his reaction, grinning widely and running his hand down Chansung's front to settle on the drawstring of his scrub pants, twining it around his fingers.
"Shit," Chansung hisses, trying not to seem so needy but it's impossible when Khun is using his other hand to draw his fingernails-trimmed neatly, perfect for surgical gloves-up Chansung's spine and then down again, gentle pressure that's spreading goosebumps across Chansung's whole body.
"I guess that means you want me too," Khun teases, but Chansung ignores him, too busy grabbing his face and hauling it back up again, immediately sucking Khun's bottom lip into his mouth and pulling on it with his teeth.
Khun grunts but the sound is drowned out suddenly by a loud beeping, and it takes Chansung a few seconds to come to the disappointing realisation that he's being paged.
"Khun," he murmurs between kisses, "I've got… I can't… My pager…" Khun growls in frustration and with one last lick to Chansung's lip he lets him go, although not completely-the hand on his drawstring remains, flitting up to let his fingernails graze lightly through the trail of hair above it, distracting Chansung completely as he unhooks his pager.
"It's not a 911, right?" Khun says hopefully, drawing him closer again, fingers dipping down into his pants this time. "You don't have to go right now, right?" No sooner has he finished saying it when his beeper sounds too, and he groans in frustration.
"I think that means we should both go. Come on." He slides Khun's hand out and lifts it up to kiss it. "We can continue this later."
Khun pouts, petulantly straightening his clothes and hair. "Why do we care so much," he complains.
"Because we're amazing doctors," Chansung says, placating as he does up his drawstring. "Come on." He links his fingers with Khun's and pulls him out of the room, almost running directly into Junho.
Junho looks them over and raises an eyebrow.
"We were only doing half of what you're thinking," Chansung tells him hastily, patting at his hair.
Junho lets out a skeptical hum.
+
Later, Khun pages Chansung as soon as his C-section is finished, and it's perfect timing because Chansung has just hit another brief lull in his day, so they organize to meet in Mrs. Hong's room. When Chansung arrives Khun is just checking her monitors. He still has his scrub cap on and Chansung is kind of weirded out by how much of a turn-on he finds it.
"Hey," he says, stepping into the room.
Both Khun and Mrs. Hong turn to smile at him, and he briefly enjoys feeling so welcome.
"You made it back," Mrs. Hong says.
"Couldn't stay away for too long. How was your surgery?" Chansung asks Khun, moving to the end of Mrs. Hong's bed. He picks up her chart and gives it a once over, pleased when Khun joins him, standing very close behind him and peering over his shoulder.
"It went well, my patient now has a nice healthy baby girl."
"That's wonderful," Mrs. Hong says warmly.
Chansung nods and replaces her chart. "Did Doctor San come and talk to you, Mrs. Hong?"
"Yes, and he's releasing me tomorrow, thank God. You boys are very handsome, but I just want to go home."
"It's okay, we understand," Khun says. He steps away, covertly trailing his fingertips over the small of Chansung's back.
Chansung elbows him in mock annoyance. "We don't, but we'll pretend we do. Is Misun still coming by?"
"Ask her yourself," Khun says, nodding to the door. Chansung turns to see Misun's aunt, Mrs. Kim, standing in the doorway, a much smaller body barely visible behind her.
"Hello," Mrs. Kim greets them, and bows.
"Hello," Chansung says, bowing back, but he's focused on Misun. She's still hiding behind her aunt, watching Chansung with big eyes, and she's way too quiet. Maybe she's sick? Chansung steps a little closer to them and squats, craning his neck to see Misun. "Misunnie, hello," he says and smiles. She doesn't smile back. He waits a moment, but nothing further happens so he stands back up and exchanges a worried look with Khun.
Mrs. Hong seems puzzled too and forces a grin, extending her arms encouragingly. "Misunnie?"
"Look Misun-ah, it's mommy," Mrs. Kim tries to prompt her, but Misun doesn't move an inch.
And then she does, her eyes rolling back as she collapses onto the floor.
+
Chansung remembers very little about what happens next but he must have done it all on autopilot because suddenly he's in the middle of scrubbing in, rubbing soap into his hands as he stands between Doctor Seo and Chief Park, watching through the window into the operating room as the surgical staff prep Misun for surgery. As Chief Park rambles about cerebral hemorrhages he has vague memories of rushing to Misun on the ground, of calling for a consult, of getting a CT and seeing a bleed on Misun's brain, of rushing her to the OR, but all he can really see is Misun's face the moment she fainted, her eyes disappearing underneath her eyelids, her body crashing to the cold linoleum-
"-Doctor Hwang?"
Chansung jerks, splashing water on his scrubs. "Sorry?"
Doctor Seo eyes him warily. "Are you going to be alright with this? If you were too close to this child then-"
"I'm fine," Chansung insists, because there is no way Misun's brain is going to be cut open without him in the room. "I can do this."
"Okay, then," Chief Park says. He finishes rinsing his hands and heads into the OR. Doctor Seo watches Chansung for another few moments before following him.
Chansung looks back to where the anesthesiologist is putting Misun under and takes a deep breath.
+
Chansung isn't alright.
Doctor Seo shaves a section of Misun's skull and cleans the area, and then Chief Park picks up the scalpel. It glints in the harsh light and as he lowers it to Misun's head Chansung feels his urge to vomit intensify, until finally it presses into skin and Chief Park traces it over her scalp.
At the sight of Misun's blood Chansung has to do some deep breathing, and when Chief Park starts drilling burr holes he thanks a God he doesn't believe in for the fact that he's only observing this time, because if he had to be the one doing the cutting he would definitely be putting her life in danger.
Everything runs smoothly for just over two hours. Chief Park is right in the middle of explaining how he's going to close up when there's suddenly a lot of blood, too much blood, and it's somehow spurting all over Chansung. Doctor Seo starts yelling and the monitor starts beeping and Chief Park starts working even faster but Chansung can't do anything, he's useless and frozen and he can't do anything. Misun's blood, the blood from Misun's brain, is all over his scrubs and suddenly all he can think about is how he'll have to buy more. He's running out of clean ones and he meant to order more weeks ago but then his resident left and then he met Khun and then Misun-
"Doctor Hwang!" Doctor Seo yells.
Chansung looks down at the hole in Misun's skull and it clicks suddenly. He grabs the suction device and pokes it into Misun's skull, pulling it out when the area's clear enough for Chief Park to actually see what he's doing. Chief Park dives back into it, and in less than a minute Misun's stable again.
Chief Park and Doctor Seo keep operating, voices strained and saying "close one". Chansung puts down the suction device, steps away, and walks out of the OR.
+
Chansung can feel himself hovering on the edge of hysteria when he finally pushes into the staff washroom, and he barely makes it inside before pressing himself to the wall, legs buckling beneath him as he slides down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest.
All he can picture is Misun's eyes, huge and glimmering as she'd looked at Chansung and asked about her mother's safety, and all he can think about is how it's all his fault-he shouldn't have let himself get attached, shouldn't have missed her brain injury, and she didn't die, she didn't, but she could have and she still might and he's to blame for everything.
He can't tell how long he sits there, how long he's frozen in fear, staring straight ahead as Misun's blood soaks through his scrubs and into his skin, but at some point someone enters the room. At first Chansung is startled but then he lets himself relax a little because it's Khun (of course it's Khun, who else would it be) who sits down beside him.
"Chansung," Khun says, quietly, carefully, and Chansung knows he knows, can tell just from the cadence of Khun's accented speech. "Chansung," he tries again, hands slipping to Chansung's face, pulling him to face him. "Are you okay?"
"Is-" Chansung swallows and takes a deep breath before starting again, the dread steadily pooling in the pit of his stomach. "What happened?"
"She's alive," Khun tell him. "She's in a coma, but they fixed the bleed, and she's alive."
Chansung isn't sure what to feel. Relief is too much but so is regret and he's left in a strange middle ground of emotions where nothing is right and nothing feels real. He looks down because he doesn't want Khun to see him like this but all he sees is red, so much red, and suddenly his scrubs feel so heavy, like they're made of chainmail, and he has to get them off right now. He finally lets go of his knees and reaches for the hem of his top but his hands are shaking and he can't get a grip.
"Her blood, I can't," Chansung says, "I need to get it off, Khun, it's all over me, please-"
"Okay Chansung," Khun soothes, "it's okay, I'll help you."
He stands up and pulls Chansung with him, Chansung letting himself go pliable in his arms. He pulls Chansung's top off while Chansung manages to kick off his shoes, Khun then bending down to pull off his socks before reaching for the drawstring of his pants. Chansung wonders how it got like this, how something he spent so long fantasizing about became such a nightmare, but then Khun is sliding off his bottoms, everything, before taking his hands and leading him to a shower stall. He nudges Chansung inside and turns on the water and spends some time trying to find a good temperature before Chansung takes over, turning the tap to scalding and standing directly under the spray. Khun frowns but says nothing, simply moves closer to take Chansung's hand in his, starting at his fingers and carefully washing each inch of Chansung's skin.
Chansung watches as the water on the bottom of the stall is stained red, swirling around and around the plughole before disappearing forever but when he starts thinking about that as a metaphor for life he squeezes his eyes shut and forces himself to concentrate on the soothing motions of Khun's hands.
Khun's hands are surgeon's hands and they are generally nothing too special when not in an operating room but right now, on Chansung's body, they are everything he needs as they scrub at his arms and chest, his fingertips occasionally pressing deeper to massage the muscle underneath. Chansung opens his eyes again and finally looks at Khun, sees the concern in his eyes, sees how his stupid pink shirt is steadily becoming more wet and see-through and Chansung instantly needs him so much he can't help it-he lurches forward into Khun, pressing their lips together.
It takes a while for Khun to respond and lets Chansung unbutton and lift off his shirt but he presses his hands to Chansung's in admonishment when they reach for his belt, and Chansung can't take his expression. He can't handle the pity, he doesn't deserve it, not when he couldn't look after his patient.
"Please hyung," he whispers, "please."
Khun stares at him for a moment but then his concern melts away and there is only need and want and Chansung welcomes Khun's roughness as he's shoved against the shower wall. "It's okay Chansungie, it's really okay," Khun repeats. His wet chest is flushed pink from the heat as it slides against Chansung's and his mouth is even hotter as it drags over Chansung's skin, starting at his ear and moving down his jawline to his throat, until he's sucking at Chansung's collarbone.
Chansung finds it in him to tug at Khun's waistband again and Khun's lips immediately leave him, not that Chansung can complain, because as soon as Khun's pants are off he connects them again and they slide together and Chansung really needs this, needs anything other than the crippling guilt and shame and the knowledge that he may have destroyed one family forever.
When Chansung finally lets himself release it's with Khun keeping him upright, his fingernails digging so deep into Khun's shoulder blades he knows he's left marks, and his tears sliding down his face to mingle with the steadily cooling shower spray.
+
Khun gets Chansung home. He's quiet and helpful, anticipating Chansung's every need, and Chansung feels even more ashamed. He's always been the youngest, but he's a man. An adult, a doctor, and he's acting worse than a child, worse than a helpless, tiny-
His mind flicks to the memory of Misun on the operating table, her small body dwarfed and draped and cut open and-
Khun stops the car and puts his hand on Chansung's knee. "Come on. I'll help you inside."
Chansung should say no. He doesn't.
Khun hovers just behind him as he walks, picking up his keys when he drops them because he still can't stop his hands from shaking, finding the right key on the second try and unlocking the door, pushing it open to guide Chansung inside. Chansung's house is small, built for one with the basic amenities, and Khun finds his bedroom easily. He sits Chansung down on the bed and pulls off his shoes, his jacket, his belt, and Chansung doesn't know if he's annoyed or grateful. Still, he lets Khun push him to the head of the bed, pull the blankets up and lay Chansung down, fluff up the pillow before he lets him rest his head.
Chansung expects Khun to leave as soon as he's tucked in but he doesn't, instead he slips off his jacket, hanging it carefully on the open door of Chansung's closet, and lifts up the covers, slipping nimbly into the bed. He squirms right up behind Chansung, wrapping his arm around Chansung's waist and tangling his feet between Chansung's. His nose presses into the back of Chansung's neck, where his breath grazes over Chansung's skin and gives him goosebumps.
Chansung feels himself relax at the sensation and wonders how Khun seems to know exactly what he needs.
It's quiet. It's too quiet, quiet enough that despite Khun's warmth Chansung's mind keep trying to remember the blood, and Chansung can't right now, he just can't, so he grabs Khun's hand between his and says, "Tell me something."
"What do you want me to say?" Khun asks quietly.
"I don't know, anything," Chansung says desperately. "Tell me more about the C-section."
"There were no complications. Everything went very smoothly. My patient's other daughter was really cute afterwards, she kept wanting to hold her little sister."
"I used to wish I had a little sister," Chansung says.
Khun snorts. "Well I have two, and I love them, but trust me, the worrying I do has turned me into an ahjusshi."
"I worried about Misun. Not in the right way, obviously." He can't stop the bitterness from creeping into his tone and Khun notices, moving even closer to press his thighs into the backs of Chansung's. "I got too attached, and I didn't do my job."
"You care. That's not a crime."
Chansung shakes his head, trying for clarity, but the image of Misun won't go away. He wonders if it ever will. "I completely missed her hemorrhage, and I was more like a family member than a doctor in that OR, I was completely pathetic."
"Chansung, we can't catch everything. She barely showed any symptoms and headaches are consistent with eyestrain. It was perfectly reasonable to attribute them to needing glasses."
"I should've been able to do something, I should've handled it, but I didn't," Chansung insists, trying to make Khun realise, trying to make him see. "You're so much better at this, you make it seem easy and you're great and I'm… I don't know if I can do this," Chansung says quietly. He doesn't know anything anymore, how can he, and how can he treat Khun like this when he deserves so much more.
Khun freezes, and Chansung can feel him take a deep breath. "Which this," he says, tone carefully neutral, "being-a-doctor-this, or us-this?"
"I don't know," Chansung whispers. "Maybe both."
There's silence for a moment, and then Khun slowly, carefully disentangles himself from Chansung. He lets go of Chansung's hands, slides his feet away, and shuffles back until Chansung feels his weight leave the bed.
"Okay," Khun says. "Just let me know when you decide."
There's the scuffing of fabric, the padding of feet, the opening and closing of a door, and Khun is gone.
Chansung suddenly feels very cold.
+
Upon first glance, Chansung isn't sure what's worse-the memory of Misun on the table or the Misun he's seeing now, who's hooked up to so many machines and has so many cables coming out of her that she looks like a tiny, deformed alien.
He had known it was going to be like this. He shouldn't be so affected by it.
He can't help it.
It's taken him all day to get here. He'd shown up for work in the morning but Doctor Seo had refused to let him further than the locker room, telling him to take the day to finish his charting he's behind on and that the other interns would cover for him. When Chansung had gone to argue he'd just pointed at him sternly before leaving, and Taec had rubbed his shoulder supportively before heading out. Junho had given him his banana and Junsu and Wooyoung had passed on a quiet 'hwaiting!' but Khun had ignored him as he followed them, and although Chansung hadn't really expected anything more it had still hurt.
And now this. This hurts even more, this horrible vision of that once beautiful, vibrant girl, now unable to breathe on her own, who might not ever wake up. It's awful and he doesn't think he can do it, doesn't think he can see it anymore, so he turns away but it's then that he runs almost directly into her mother.
She's in a wheelchair, being pushed by Mrs. Kim, and she gives Chansung a small smile when she sees him.
Chansung wonders how she can smile at a time like this, and immediately hates himself for being so morbid and judgmental.
"Hello, Doctor Hwang," she greets him softly.
Her sister bows. Chansung bows back.
"How is she doing?" Mrs. Hong asks, craning her neck to see into the room.
"I… don't know," Chansung admits. "I can't go in. I'm… I tried but…"
Mrs. Hong nods slowly. She looks up at her sister. "Unnie, can I talk to Doctor Hwang for a moment?"
She nods and parks Mrs. Hong next to Chansung, in front of the window to Misun's room, before patting her shoulder and heading inside.
Mrs. Hong turns to Chansung. "I hope you're not blaming yourself for what happened. It's not your fault."
Chansung stays quiet because if he doesn't, he's not sure what he'll say.
"Do you believe in heaven, Doctor Hwang?" Mrs. Hong asks.
"I'm Buddhist," Chansung says simply, and she nods in understanding.
"Well I do. We all do." They watch for a moment as Mrs. Kim reaches down and brushes Misun's hair off her forehead. "And I believe in her. I believe that she'll get through this, because she loves life and she's the strongest child I know." She pauses and turns to look up at Chansung and he forces himself to hold her gaze. "You should believe too."
"I believe in her," Chansung says quietly, and he does, because that's easy. He believes in Misun like he believes in his family, in his best friend from high school, and… in Khun.
"Then you should believe in yourself."
To that, Chansung says nothing. There's more quiet, and it's just starting to become uncomfortable when Mrs. Hong smacks her palm to the armrest of the wheelchair and says, "Aigoo, I'm suddenly so thirsty! Unnie, let's go and get something to drink," she calls. Mrs. Kim comes out to grab her chair and they're gone before Chansung realises what they're doing.
He looks back into the room. Misun looks so lonely in there by herself.
With that, Chansung's mind is made up and he's inside her room before he can stop himself.
+
Mrs. Hong comes back half an hour later and Chansung makes sure to thank her, grasping her hand and bowing low. She pats him affectionately before shooing him away, and when Chansung leaves the room Doctor Seo is waiting outside for him.
"Doctor Seo," Chansung says, bowing again, trying not to sound too nervous, "is everything okay?"
"That's what I'm here to ask you," he says, crossing his arms.
Chansung pauses, wondering how much to say. How much should he tell this man, this man who can decide his fate, who could have him kicked him out of the program with no questions asked. How much is too much in a situation like this?
He looks up at the older man, and something suddenly tells him that the only thing he can do is tell the truth. Sincerity and honesty are important, at least to Chansung, and if he doesn't want to fall apart completely then he needs to stay true to himself, no matter what the consequences are.
"I'm not like the others," he starts slowly. "I didn't start with talent. I didn't go to a good school. I'm not a natural. I worked hard to get here, I worked so hard, and I thought that once I got here, once I started doing this thing that I love, I thought it would get easier. I thought I was prepared, I thought I could do it, I thought… But I'm not. I can't. Nothing could have prepared me for this, for how hard it is, and now I'm completely lost and confused and I have no idea what do." He forces himself to stop, because he feels like he could just keep talking until he ends up a blubbering mess on the floor, and risks a glance up at the ever-critical gaze of his boss.
"Chansung-ah," Doctor Seo says, and at first Chansung is surprised to hear his name said so casually, but then Doctor Seo continues, his tone uncompromising. "I understand why you feel that way but those are the realities of the job. If you don't like them then you shouldn't be here, because not only are you putting lives at risk but you're wasting time, money and important resources." Chansung's heart sinks. He doesn't know what he was hoping for, but it wasn't something so harsh, and now he realises what an idiot he was being. He nods and slowly backs away, but then Doctor Seo's hand falls heavily on his shoulder and Chansung looks up to see a soft, almost affectionate look on his face. "However," he continues, "you are here. Yesterday wasn't a good day, it challenged everything you thought you knew, but you're here today. And there's a reason for that. It's impossible to diagnose everything, and getting attached isn't a bad thing if it helps save lives. You just have to know when to draw the line, and that's something that only comes with time. Why don't you try staying long enough to let that happen?" He squeezes Chansung's shoulder before pulling away and striding down the corridor, lab coat billowing out behind him.
Chansung watches him until he's out of sight before letting himself look back at Misun.
+
Chansung is changing in the locker room, scrub top shed and a little cold in only his wifebeater, one shoe on and one shoe off, when he gets the 911.
He doesn't even bother to re-dress before bolting to Misun's room.
+
It's chaos in Misun's room. Mrs. Hong is crying and struggling in her wheelchair and Mrs. Kim is holding her down and screaming for help. Nurse Jung is there and trying to get to Misun but he can't manoeuvre past her panicking family and it's up to Chansung to shove past them and rush to Misun's side.
Her eyes are bulging and she's gasping and choking and Chansung has never been more relieved in his life, because she's awake, she's awake, and if she's fighting the tube then that means she can breathe on her own and that's the best possible outcome anyone could have hoped for. He wants to scream and sob with happiness, but instead he opts for ripping off the tape holding Misun's intubation tube in place and then carefully pulling out the tube itself. Misun starts coughing immediately, giant hacking coughs that are almost scary coming from someone of her small size, and Chansung reaches for the oxygen mask but someone beats him to it and he looks up to see Khun on the other side of the bed.
It takes Khun less than a second to assess the situation and he simultaneously presses the mask to Misun's mouth and whips the stethoscope from his neck to pass it to Chansung, who takes it to check for Misun's breath sounds.
Which are good, strong and even and… fine. She's… fine. Misun has woken up, and she's fine, and she's a little weak but she's fine and Chansung suddenly feels so giddy he could burst as he realises-this is why he's still here. This is why he does this, because people are amazing and the human body is amazing and science is amazing and he can help people, really help them, he can make a difference, and that's something he could never give up, ever.
The giant grin on Khun's face says he feels the same way and as Chansung allows himself to look at him, to really process the beauty of this moment, that's when the adrenaline wears off a bit and reality filters in and-Mrs. Hong is still crying, Mrs. Kim is still yelling, they're both still petrified and someone should probably put them out of their misery.
Chansung is quite happy for that person to be him.
+
Chansung is still too high on life to notice when he should leave the Hongs to be happy as a family without doctors crowding them but Khun isn't, and once they're completely certain that Misun is stable he leads Chansung out by the hand. The others are waiting when they get outside but even then Khun doesn't let go, he keeps their fingers interlocked, and Chansung is grateful because he thinks he might just float away.
In fact, Chansung is grateful for everything Khun does. Chansung is just grateful for Khun full-stop, not that Khun would know it because Chansung is an idiot-and still, Khun helps him. Chansung thinks it's about time that Khun knew.
And so, right as Khun is in the middle of telling Wooyoung what happened, Chansung grabs him by the lapels of his lab coat and pulls him into a kiss.
It's just as nice as he remembers, better even, once Khun gets over his shock and starts kissing him back, although it's impossible to ignore the others completely as Junsu makes gagging noises and Taec says proudly, "He's taking my advice, you know."
Chansung rolls his eyes and pulls away from Khun, who is staring at him with stunned eyes and swollen lips, and turns to Junho to say, "Now we're going to go and do exactly what you were thinking," before dragging Khun to nearest on-call room.
+
They get seventeen minutes together before Khun's pager goes off. They're not exactly done, but by the time they are Chansung can only be grateful that their profession has provided them with the skills to respond quickly in any high-pressure situation.
+