+ Leaving Normal [2PM]
Title: Leaving Normal
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Chansung/Junho
Word Count: 6900 words
Notes: Prompt from here. I've been writing this on and off for eleven months now and while I'm not the original person who claimed the prompt I haven't seen a response posted, so I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes! Many, many thanks to augmenti for her encouragement and input.
Prompt: Chansung wakes up in a reality where he's in a relationship with Junho and neither of them had ever joined JYP. He wakes up again and he's back in this reality. He keeps switching back and forth until he's not sure which one is real or which one he wants.
+
Chansung wakes up and everything is normal. The bed is soft and only just long enough for his legs, his head is still fuzzy from only getting three hours of sleep, and he really needs to brush his teeth. He stretches languidly and enjoys the texture of the clean hotel sheets. Even though he knows Khun will be knocking at the door in a few minutes to wake him up, he can’t help but want to extend this moment and he rolls over and collides with something solid and warm.
He frowns. That’s not normal.
He pries one eye open and spots short dark hair-he must have climbed into Junho’s bed during the night. He doesn’t remember doing it but that’s no surprise, he’s found himself in much more precarious positions than this in the morning. At least he’s still in the same room. And fully dressed.
What is a surprise is when Junho lets out a sleepy little groan and turns towards him, nuzzling his face into Chansung’s neck, his breath hot on Chansung’s skin. It’s not like Junho to be so intimate, but he is asleep, and he’s probably dreaming and thinking Chansung is someone else.
"Junho," Chansung whispers. He reaches up to poke him in the cheek. "Junho."
Junho shifts again, his lips brushing Chansung's Adam's apple, and Chansung jerks at the sensation and decides that right now would be a very good time to wake him up, before he embarrasses either of them any further. He carefully slides backwards and levers himself up over Junho, leaning closer to his ear.
"Junho!"
Junho startles awake, blinking and looking pissed, and Chansung can't help laughing and poking him again.
"Stop it," Junho whines. He shoves at Chansung's face and Chansung flops back down next to him.
"You were all over me," Chansung tells him, smirking. "I think you need a girlfriend."
He reaches over to pinch Chansung's cheek. "You're a much better girlfriend than all the girls I've ever been with."
Chansung rolls his eyes and nips at Junho's fingers and Junho smiles, eyes curving, before he leans over and does the very last thing Chansung expects-he presses his lips to Chansung's.
Chansung goes still, confused and in shock, before his common sense kicks back in and he opens his mouth to tell Junho to stop. But Junho's lips are still on his and instead of pulling away Junho presses even deeper, leaning closer, a hand resting on Chansung's chest as he slides his tongue into Chansung's mouth. It lasts only a moment longer, a moment longer of one of Chansung's best friends, his brothers, swirling his tongue around inside Chansung's mouth before Junho finally stops, scrunching up his nose.
"You need to brush your teeth." And then Chansung feels his weight leave the bed, hears footsteps pad across the room, a door open and a shower turn on.
It's while he's staring at the ceiling, trying to process the fact that Junho just kissed him, that he realises it's not the same ceiling he was staring at before he went to sleep. And when he finally finds it in him to lever himself upright he realises it's not even the same room.
Chansung's head has gone from fuzzy to spinning and he has no idea what is happening because when he forces himself to get out of bed closer inspection proves that it's not a hotel room, it's not even Japan, and it's homely and it smells faintly of sweat and kimchi and there are photos everywhere of he and Junho embracing and holding hands and kissing and-
"Forgot my towel," Junho says from behind him, and Chansung spins around to see Junho completely naked and shaking his towel at him, steam billowing out of bathroom door. Chansung watches with growing horror as his grin turns coy. "You gonna join me?"
Chansung squeaks.
+
When Chansung wakes up for the second time it's with a start, and he is sitting up and scrambling up faster than he even knew he was capable of, away from the bed, away from Junho-
But no, it's okay. Junho's in his own bed across from him, they're in their hotel room, they're in Japan, and everything is fine. Everything is normal. Everything is how it's supposed to be.
Chansung lets himself breathe. It's probably stupid to get so caught up in a dream but it had felt so real, the details so complex and intricate. Usually he dreams about boring things, like eating or exercising or Jeonggam or playing video games. (There was that one time when he dreamed he was Jeonggam and was running away from a PlayStation controller that was trying to eat him, but that was definitely an anomaly.) Any nocturnal excitements usually happen to his body, when he sleepwalks or talks or eats, not inside his mind. Junsu is the one who has amazingly creative dreams about rainbow-coloured suitcases falling from the sky and swallowing people whole and Chansung is just glad that he's not Junsu because having those adventures every night seems exhausting-right now he's still tired even though he got his full four hours.
It's just that the other Junho had been so convincing, so similar to the real one, how they had both smelled and looked and sounded the same... For a second he finds himself wondering if Real Junho would kiss him the same way as the dream one but then it just gets far too creepy and he's very grateful for the knock at the door. Chansung bounds over to it, unlocking it and wrenching it open to see Khun standing just outside, and Chansung has never been happier to see him.
Khun looks surprised. "That was quick-ah! Chansung!"
The last part is a 10000% unmanly shriek as Chansung picks him up and hugs him hard, laughing in relief as he spins them around in circles.
+
In the van in the morning Chansung sits beside (read: drapes himself all over) Khun and doesn't even tease Junsu with the others when he's practicing his Japanese and says 'matsui' instead of 'matsuri'. In their first TV spot he positions himself next to Taec and has his arm around his shoulders the whole time, when they eat he gets Junsu to feed him, and in the van again to the next studio for a photoshoot he sits behind Wooyoung and plays with his hair and ears. It's a little stupid that he constantly needs reassurance that everything is okay, that this world is real and right and just how it's supposed to be, but he still feels a bit out of touch so he decides to just go with it.
The other members don't comment on it, but while Chansung's been all over them he's been avoiding Junho. He's tried not to but it just feels so awkward with him now-he's had Junho's tongue in his mouth. Well, not this Junho specifically, but a Junho, Other Junho, and it's made things hard on Chansung because while he is trying not to think about it he can't really stop, not when Junho laughs and speaks and breathes.
Thankfully Junho hasn't seemed to notice the weird tension Chansung's created between them, because he's having an off day-one of those days where he tends to tune out a little and let the members cover for him, still contributing but only when necessary, competitive edge dulled by weariness and lack of confidence with the language.
Somewhere along the line it occurs to Chansung that Junho is a relatively light sleeper and he may have noticed if Chansung did anything crazy in their room overnight. Forcing himself to get over the inner workings of his ridiculous subconscious, he pulls Junho aside while the photographer goes through something with the creative director.
Junho seems surprised when Chansung asks to talk to him, tilting his head the same way that Other Junho had right before he'd leaned in to kiss-
Chansung really has to stop thinking about that. "Did I do anything weird last night?" he asks. Junho gives him a skeptical look and he amends, "Weirder than usual?"
Junho considers. "Not that I know of. I was pretty out of it though, so I couldn't tell you for sure." He frowns. "Why, are you okay?"
"I'm… I think so. I just had a weird dream but it's… it's nothing. I'm tired." He smiles at Junho and Junho smiles back, teeth glinting in the bright studio lights.
"Maybe you should try and have a nap," Junho suggests, and Chansung can't help but think it's a good idea. Junho motions behind them and sure enough, Taec is already slumped and snoring on the couch in the corner. "Just give him a kick, he'll move over."
Chansung does, settling down beside Taec and using his shoulder as a pillow, falling asleep almost immediately.
+
It takes Chansung only a few seconds to recognize what's happening.
Junho is standing in front of him, naked, waving his towel around. Steam is billowing out of the bathroom and on the very un-hotel-like walls there are photos of Chansung licking Junho's face and-
Chansung is back.
Chansung never has the same dream twice.
Chansung is back.
Chansung can feel himself freaking out. He balks at the sight of so much skin (again) and makes a quick escape from the room, muttering something to Junho about being hungry and sliding open the bedroom door to find himself in a completely alien home. It's small and relatively basic but from the furniture and technology lying around Chansung can tell that whoever lives here (Junho? Himself? Both of them?) isn't exactly riding the poverty line, not that he can really concentrate on that right now, not when he's back.
Just like last time, it feels way too real to be a dream, but when he finds himself going through all of the possible explanations in his mind it's still the most preferable one. Because the alternatives are that he and Junho have been drugged and kidnapped and are hallucinating, he and Junho have been mentally altered and are featuring on some highly embarrassing and unlikely reality program like that film with Jim Carrey, or that he (and Junho?) have been kidnapped by aliens who do horrific experiments on the brain and are playing around with his perceptions and emotions and memories right at this very moment.
Yeah. Chansung definitely wants to stick with the dreaming scenario.
But no matter how many times he tries to remind himself that that means he'll wake up, he can't shake the feeling that this isn't just happening inside his head. The details are too real, Junho is too real and his own confusion is too real and it's been a while since he's felt this completely hopeless, but at least before he had the other members to help him through. As it is he doesn't even know where or how to start with Junho, and as for everyone else... Does Chansung even know them? Did he ever meet them? He has no idea at which point Other Chansung's life converged from his own, no idea if he auditioned for JYPE, if he was part of Superstar Survival, if he was in a sitcom, if he... well, that's one thing he does know. He and Junho certainly didn't join 2PM, and that fact alone is enough to make him feel incredibly ill.
Unfortunately, much sooner than he'd thought possible for Junho, the shower turns off and he panics, trying to figure out how to stay away from Junho without making it look like he is, trying to make it look like he belongs when he doesn't, trying to seem like he's completely in control when he's obviously having a mental breakdown.
Acting naturally comes to mind but if he tries to occupy himself he runs the risk of being extremely obvious about not knowing where anything is. The house is pretty open-plan, with one end of the small living area separated from the bedroom and bathroom by a sliding door and the other end leading directly into an even smaller kitchenette, and Chansung dives for the fridge just in time, wrenching the door open and pretending to study the contents.
When Junho re-emerges he's fully dressed and his hair is still a little damp and curling at the ends, and it's been so long since Chansung his seen his hair in anything approaching its natural state he can't help but stare.
Real Junho's hair is usually overdone, straightened to the point of singeing and styled with so much product that not a strand would come loose in a hurricane, but the Junho in front of him seems to have spent no time at all on it, a detail that Chansung is certain his subconscious wouldn't ever dare to come up with on its own.
Something is most definitely Wrong.
Junho notices him looking. "Stop staring, it makes you look ugly." And before Chansung can prepare himself Junho moves over to him and gets onto his tiptoes, leaning up for another kiss.
"No!" Chansung yelps, and jerks away just before Junho's lips touch his.
Junho eyes widen, reflecting surprise and just a little hurt. "What's wrong?"
Chansung flounders for an excuse, his mind too full and too confused and too disturbed to be creative, before he finally settles on, "Still haven't brushed my teeth."
Junho rolls his eyes and pokes his cheek instead and Chansung tries not to cringe too obviously. "Okay well my audition's in an hour, I should be there in heaps of time." He waves what looks like a script at Chansung as he backs towards the door before leaning down to pull on his shoes. "Your class today was cancelled, remember, so don't forget like last time." Chansung nods like he has any idea what Junho's talking about, and Junho waves and then the door opens and closes and he's gone and Chansung is alone and that's good, because his legs can't hold him up any more and he finds himself collapsing backwards into the fridge.
+
If only he had any semblance of any clue about what the hell is happening. From his further hurried investigations through the house (aka snooping through some photos and bills in a drawer, although Chansung is uncertain as to whether it can be called snooping since they're technically kind of almost his belongings in a way maybe) he's discovered that he and Junho have been together (and that notion is just way too weird in itself) and lived together since at least 2008, Chansung is a martial arts instructor and Junho is (trying to be?) an actor. Maybe. Unfortunately, Other Chansung doesn't keep a convenient diary outlining his life and as curious as he is, Chansung can only spend so long in a house that has pictorial evidence of his romantic relationship with Junho decorating every surface. He ventures back into the bedroom and pulls on the first pair of jeans and checkered shirt he can find, and, donning a fedora hat that must be Junho's and grabbing keys from the hook by the door that must be his, he steps outside.
At first he's nervous, unable to shake the fear that someone will recognise him, but after he passes a group of young women, forcing himself not to hide his face, and emerges completely unscathed he realises he has absolutely nothing to worry about.
It's weird, but it feels good, too. He's completely free like this, no-one wants anything from him at all, and it's liberating. When he walks down the street he can hold his head high, he doesn't have to worry about his make-up, and he can talk to whoever he wants without worrying about a scandal.
And then his stomach growls and another benefit makes itself known-he doesn't have to diet.
He forgot about a wallet or phone in his rush to escape but he finds some coins in his pocket, more than enough to afford something from a food cart, so he quickens his steps and hurries through the streets, hoping that the location of his favourite street vendors hasn't changed too.
After a while he settles into a comfortable rhythm and his thoughts drift to Other Junho, to the way so much is the same but so much has changed. How did Junho go from a Christian and successful idol to a gay struggling actor? What changed? Or maybe, he thinks, remembering that Real Junho once wanted to be an actor too, what didn't change?
He wonders if Other Chansung had something to do with it, wonders when they met, when they fell in love, how the people around them reacted-if they know. Maybe they met through JYPE, maybe that's how they got together. Maybe they got kicked out. Or maybe it goes back even further than that. Maybe they met while they were still at school. Maybe they met in the army. Maybe they met out shopping or in one of Chansung's self-defence classes, or in any number of normal situations.
Maybe they were destined.
But he can't pursue that idea because at that very moment he passes a music store and glances at the TV in the window and his thoughts are completely derailed when he sees-
Is that-
He backtracks and stands directly in front of the flatscreen, nose almost pressed to the glass.
A 2AM music video is playing.
They're still singing a ballad. There's still four members. All four members are still familiar.
It's just that one of them is Junsu.
Chansung blinks and stares as the song nears an end and the camera pans down the line of members and Chansung counts Seulong, then Changmin, then Jinwoon, but instead of Kwon's misty eyes gazing soulfully at him there's Junsu's, and it's almost too much to handle.
Chansung rears back and dashes into the shop, making a beeline for the 2PM CDs, and maybe he's a little bit frantic because-
What is even happening.
He locates the appropriate shelf and it doesn't take him long to find-
"Shit," he breathes, reaching out a shaky hand to pick up the thin rectangular packaging of Time For Change. The concept is the same, red and black and emotional expressions, but the men in the photos are not.
There's Jay, but standing next to him Chansung is astonished to see Doojoon, and then Kwon, and then further down, after Khun but before Wooyoung and Taecyeon, in the spot that is supposed to be Chansung's, is some guy he's never even seen before. He's chiseled and handsome and glowering into the distance like it's what he was born to do and it makes Chansung's heart ache.
He runs his thumb over the unknown man's face before gently replacing the CD, trying to calm his breathing. Hottest Time Of The Day sits to left of it but Chansung doesn't bother with it, instead reaching for an album he doesn't even recognise.
It's called 2PM: Tired Of Waiting and judging from the tracklist, it's this world's version of 1.59PM.
And Jay's still in it.
Jay never left. He's still in 2PM, they're still seven... only there's no Junho and no Chansung.
Chansung grips the CD so tightly he thinks it might snap.
He doesn't really know why he's finding it so hard to process this, objectively he knows it's not even real, but there's a small part of him that thinks-what if it is? What if he has to live this double life forever, this life with a boyfriend, with Junho but without everybody else he loves, this life where he's normal.
He shakes his head again. He has to go, he can't do this, can't deal with it, so he shoves the CDs back and turns to go right as the song playing overhead changes and a very familiar intro begins to play.
It's Heartbeat.
Chansung freezes.
And when he hears an unfamiliar voice rapping his lines, he jolts back into action and runs out of the store, straight into the crowded-
+
Chansung wakes up all at once, eyes wide open, completely alert. The hot studio lights, the soft music in the background, the clicking of the camera and the photographer's corresponding words of encouragement all let him know exactly where he is but he has to be sure, has to interact with his surroundings before he can trust them completely, so he turns to Taec and whacks him across the head with a cushion.
Taec yelps and sluggishly manoeuvres into an upright position, rubbing his eyes and frowning as he dislodges a contact. He blinks it back into place and finally manages to focus on Chansung. "I was having a really good dream," he complains.
"I wasn't," Chansung mutters and Taec yawns through a frown.
"Are you okay?"
"Let's go out tonight," Chansung says instead. "After our schedule. I'll pay."
Chansung knows it's stupid, knows he needs all the rest he can get, but he's just not sure he can deal with Other Junho and everything again so soon. He needs time to prepare, time to figure things out in his head, and if he's going to avoid sleep he'll need a distraction. If he offers free alcohol then Taec will definitely be up for it.
"Wow," Taec says, "you must be desperate for my company."
Taec grins stupidly and Chansung sighs before they start up a mock fight full of flailing and slapping and Khun has to tell them to be quiet.
+
Predictably enough, their photoshoot runs over time and they don't finish until after midnight-not that it matters. Chansung has grabbed Taec's arm and said goodbye to the others before they even know what's happening, pushing past Junho in the corridor and trying not to react as their shoulders brush. Their managers already know where they're going because it's the bar they always go to and they get there quickly, Chansung leading the way inside and ordering their first round before Taec has even removed his coat. He can tell Taec is surprised but for a while they don't talk, finding an empty table near the back, away from most of the noise and the crowd, taking a few minutes to settle in. Taec gulps half his beer down in one go and does something with his phone before turning to Chansung expectantly.
"Hyung," Chansung says carefully, "have you ever had really powerful dreams?"
"Yes," Taec says seriously, "when I was seven I wanted to rule the world."
Chansung punches him. "Yah, I don't mean that!"
Taec sobers immediately and takes another gulp of his beer. "Please elaborate."
"I mean... Like they feel real, almost realer than this now."
"Don't all dreams feel real at the time?"
"But it's like I know I'm dreaming, I'm still aware of the real me back in bed asleep, but at the same time it feels like it's the only reality I have and..." Chansung shakes his head, trying to find the right words, but it's hard to explain exactly how he's feeling whilst also trying to stay vague. "And I know I should want to wake up because it's so different and when I remember it afterwards it's weird but when it's happening it also feels... right, I guess."
Taec drains his beer and sets it down on the table, frowning at the froth sliding down the glass. "Well do you really want to wake up? Maybe that's a sign that you want to keep having the dream, aren't dreams supposed to be connected to our subconscious?"
"It's not that simple," Chansung says, frustrated, but he stops himself from continuing because it's obvious Taec can't help him.
"Nothing in life is simple Chansung-ah," Taec says sagely, and Chansung stares at him for a moment before punching him again.
"Why did I even come to you," he complains, and Taec shrugs.
"I don't know why you didn't go to Khun, he has those dream books, he could probably analyse all the symbolism for you."
Chansung frowns. "I don't really want to tell anyone that much about it."
"Oh," Taec says, before something dawns on him and he adds, "ohhhhhh. Right, it was a sex dream."
Chansung wrinkles his nose, about to deny it, but then he realises it might just be easier for Taec to think that it was. At least now he won't ask too many questions.
"Who was it with, someone nasty?" Taec leans in. "Was it Jinyoungie-hyung?"
Then again, Chansung always underestimates Taec's levels of depravity, and Taec giggles behind his hand as Chansung shoves him so hard he flies out of his seat.
+
They take a taxi back to the hotel when they're both feeling buzzed, neither of them willing to push it too far and incur their manager's wrath. Taec rests his head on Chansung's shoulder as soon as they settle in the backseat and promptly falls asleep but Chansung forces himself to stay awake, not only to make sure they end up where they're supposed to but also because he's still trying to avoid sleep. It's a hard decision to stand by since he's already so tired but he needs time to regroup, time away from Other Junho, and the only way to get that is if he eliminates the possibility of dreaming altogether.
It's not like going without sleep is a new concept, anyway. Maybe now it'll give him enough time to figure out what his brain is doing and then everything can go back to normal.
That said, he nearly drifts off twice in the taxi and by the time they reach the hotel and make it inside, to the elevator, up to their floor and into his room Chansung is about ready to just abandon his resolution and make like Taec.
He doesn't though, instead helping Taec onto Junho's bed-who had sent Chansung a text a few hours ago saying he was rooming with Khun for the night-and then fishing out his Japanese textbooks. If he's going to stay awake then he might as well do something useful.
+
When Khun knocks on the door again a few hours later, Chansung's greeting isn't half as exuberant as the morning before. He drags himself over to the door, rubbing his eyes and fumbling with the handle before pushing it down.
At the sight of him Khun recoils a little and then tries to make it seem like he hadn't. "Wow Chansung-ah, couldn't you sleep?"
Khun looks at him expectantly, but all he can remember is the Japanese word for 'breakfast' so he just shakes his head. Thankfully Khun doesn't question him further and pats him on the shoulder before he moves over to Taec and begins the arduous process of waking him up.
+
It's when they're on the plane back to Korea that evening that he finally gives in. The flight isn't long and he usually doesn't sleep on planes-he's not like Taec, who can sleep anywhere, even standing up-but he's just so tired and he's sitting next to Junsu who is concentrating on composing a song on his iPad and doesn't even notice when Chansung's head hits his shoulder. Chansung can hear the muted notes of Junsu's creation through his sub-par Apple headphones (Junsu accidentally left his Beats at the hotel and had to 'borrow' them from Wooyoung, much to his chagrin) and he lets the sounds lull him until he's completely relaxed, eyes sliding shut and then-
+
When Chansung opens the front door an indeterminate amount of time later, Junho is already home, sitting on the couch watching television.
"Hey," Chansung says, pausing in the doorway, still uncomfortable around him. He toes off his shoes and quietly shuts the door, but Junho doesn't even look at him.
Maybe he's not feeling well. Maybe his audition for went badly. Maybe he's realised something isn't quite right with Chansung.
Chansung watches him for a moment longer before heading into the kitchen for a drink. He boils the kettle and makes some herbal tea, sneaking glances at Junho as he waits, but aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest Junho barely moves.
"What are you watching?" He places Junho's mug of tea on the arm of the couch before sitting next to him. With a jolt he realises it's an episode of Khun and Gain on We Got Married and he shakes his head, really not wanting to go there, and gently prises the remote from Junho's hands to turn off the TV. "Junho? What happened?"
Junho's quiet for a while longer, staring at his hands until Chansung reaches out and takes them in his own. He knows he should stay away but he can't ignore Junho when he's like this, could never ignore him, and he doesn't think twice before moving to console him.
"I saw her," Junho says quietly.
Chansung frowns. He can't even try to guess who Junho is talking about. In this world it could be anyone. "Who?"
"My... my mother. I saw her with some friends, and I know she saw me too. She looked right at me but she... It was like she looked through me. Like I didn't even exist." His face crumples and he pulls away, and Chansung tries his best to put the pieces together. "They were her church friends," Junho continues softly, "so I guess I understand."
And then Chansung catches on. Church. So Junho did come out to his family, then.
Junho clears his throat and looks up and finally Chansung gets a good look at his face. He hates what he sees-Junho is obviously devastated but trying to be brave, trying to be okay, and it's really not working.
Chansung's heart clenches painfully and he feels so awkward and helpless. He would know exactly what to do with Real Junho, but with Other Junho he's still so edgy and unsure. He wishes that he could help fix the problem but he knows that he can't, and he might not be around to see the results through anyway. All he can do is drag Junho closer to him and wrap him in his arms, and even though Junho tenses up at first he ends up pressing his face into Chansung's shoulder, just breathing. Eventually he pulls back and looks up and Chansung looks down and Junho seems so troubled and he's leaning up and he's getting so close that it's nothing at all for Chansung to just lower his head and press his lips to Junho's and...
It's nice.
It's warm and soft and Junho wastes no time in opening his mouth and using his tongue so then it gets wet but it's still surprisingly pleasant. Junho runs his tongue carefully across Chansung's lower lip and Chansung finds himself responding, his hand cupping Junho's cheek and tilting his head back to press deeper, enjoying the sensation of their mouths sliding together, the way Junho's breath puffs out of his nose against his top lip, how Junho is slipping his fingers up underneath his shirt and over the skin of his back.
"Chansung," Junho breathes, "Chansung-"
+
"Yah, Chansung!" Something hard and hollow whacks across his head and he startles awake, eyes wide as Junsu lowers his sunglasses case and adjusts the designer shades preemptively perched on his nose. "We're landing," he says helpfully. "Are you going to leave your hyung to go through it all alone?" And then he starts to talk about his lyrics, ignoring Chansung's pointed pouting and head-rubbing.
When he's sure Junsu won't notice, Chansung looks across the aisle over at Junho in the window seat. He seems busy watching the runway as they land, and he's chewing on some gum in an effort to distract himself from the nausea he feels whenever they ascend and descend, no matter how many times they fly. His tongue flicks out to push the wad of gum back in when it gets stuck on his lip, and that's when Chansung forces himself to turn back to Junsu and pretend to be fascinated by his ramblings.
+
Not for the first time and definitely not for the last, Chansung is actually grateful for their insanely busy lives. From the time they land they're pushing to meet a schedule, getting briefed in the van until they reach their performance venue, rehearsing, getting their costumes on and hair and make-up done, recording some messages for random endorsements backstage and then finally performing. Then they shower, do a quick phone interview in the van on the way back to the airport and they're flying back to Japan, where Chansung makes sure he's sitting next to Wooyoung and they play pattycake most of the way back. Chansung has absolutely no time at all to think about Junho or kissing Junho or Junho's mouth or Junho's tongue or Junho's fingertips skimming over his shoulder blades or-
Except now he's in bed. Thankfully, he's not sleeping in the same room as Junho tonight-Junsu has that honour, because they wanted to go over some composition stuff-but instead he's again sharing with Taec, who stopped complaining about the noise Junho and Junsu were making in the next room about half an hour ago and started snoring instead. Khun and Wooyoung both try to sleep early so there's no way they'll be awake, and so Chansung is alone with his thoughts.
His ridiculous thoughts, his utterly impossible thoughts, his thoughts that make him feel like he's betraying Real Junho every time he thinks them, his thoughts that scare him but at the same time, give him… hope? It's confusing and he has no idea what's going on, not in his head and definitely not in his heart. Everything that seemed so simple before now feels impossible and everything that was instinctive he now has to second-guess. If there was anything he could rely on, it was always his relationships with the members, always. They've been there for each other since the start, their roles in each others' lives so clearly defined, but now that this is happening it's messing with everything Chansung thought he knew and he's finding it hard to adjust.
He finds himself wondering about Other Junho. If he's okay. What he's thinking, what he's feeling. (Assuming, of course, he is at all-he has no idea what even happens to Other Junho when he's not there. Is there, in fact, an Other Chansung who's around when Chansung himself isn't?) And that's another frightening thing-for all of his confusion, Chansung is sure of one thing: he doesn't like the idea of not seeing Other Junho again. Their relationship is so different, so much more intimate in ways Chansung would never have imagined, and seeing that side to his friend, being privy to all of his thoughts and emotions and not just the ones put through the best friend filter, is addictive. The intensity of that type of relationship is something he'd forgotten about, and now that he's experiencing it again he's finding it harder and harder to let go.
It could just be that he's getting muddled up, that his lack of sleep is causing the lines between the two realities to blur, but at this very moment, at this very point in his life, Chansung isn't sure how much he cares.
Sighing, he pulls his spare pillow down between his legs and clamps them around it, trying to get comfortable, but there's suddenly a million reasons why he can't. It's like one of the nights leading up to a concert and the more he tries to sleep, the more it eludes him, and he's left a restless ball of energy, kicking his sheets around and getting frustrated with his inability to control his own body.
He tosses and turns for another half an hour, willing his head to empty, but he's only more and more awake with each passing moment so he stops trying and sits up, head in his hands as he wonders what to do. He could call Seulong but he doesn't want to talk, he could study but he doesn't have the motivation, he could listen to music or read but he can't concentrate.
Exercise. What he really needs is exercise. He hasn't had as much time as he would like to train, has missed the comforting burn and stretch of using his muscles, and he readies himself quickly and quietly in the dark, sending a quick message to one of their managers so that someone knows where he is.
He's impatient on the way to the hotel's gym, bouncing on his toes when he waits for the elevator, pulling the brim of his cap down over his eyes and willing the floor numbers to decrease more quickly. He thinks of nothing but the forthcoming relief until he reaches the gym, takes care of entrance requirements, stows his backpack, and weaves his way around the equipment until he sees a familiar body shape that makes him stop dead.
Of all the people it could be. Of all the people he wanted avoid.
Junho is on the treadmill, headphones in, focused and determined as his feet pound out a steady rhythm. He hasn't seen Chansung yet and Chansung can't stop his gaze drifting down and over his sweaty neck, the white t-shirt clinging to his torso, the black basketball shorts curving over his ass. The slight shake of his legs means he's been going for a while and almost ready to finish and Chansung definitely wants to leave before he does.
He turns to go back to his room but then he sees a sign for the sauna and goes there instead, stripping down to his towel and stepping inside, the heat immediately permeating his skin. He's the only one inside so when he sits down he spreads out and closes his eyes. He concentrates on the humidity and leans back against the wall, breathing deeply and slowly in an exercise Jinyoungie-hyung taught him right back when he was a trainee. His mind finally empties and the tension drains out of his limbs and his exhaustion finally catches up with him, and it's only a matter of minutes before he falls asleep.
+
Chansung is hot. Really hot. It feels worse than that time they filmed the Spris video in summer with hoodies on and he's just about to explode but then he feels skin, skin on his skin, and he opens his eyes and-
It's Junho. No, Other Junho, and the distinction is very relevant, incredibly relevant, because right now Other Junho is lying naked on top of Chansung, who is also naked, and licking at his collarbone. Chansung's eyes widen and he tries not to freak out and he realises that his own hands are gripping Junho's ass. He lets out a little high-pitched noise and releases Junho's buttocks, making him stop what he's doing and glance up at Chansung, confused.
"What's wrong?" he asks, and Chansung freezes. Junho's eyes are a little red-rimmed, like earlier when they fought, when they kissed, and Chansung realises that this is still the same day for Other Junho. That Other Junho will still be feeling hurt and vulnerable and if Chansung rejects him now he might end up in the same state as he was before. He might end up worse. And if there's anything Chansung doesn't want to see again, it's that.
"Nothing's wrong," Chansung assures him. As proof he leans up to kiss Junho, making himself relax as he swipes his tongue over Junho's teeth. He can do kissing, he likes kissing, and Junho's actually really good at it. When Junho pulls away even his eyes are smiling, until his expression quickly shifts and he kind of looks a bit wicked, going back to mouth at Chansung's shoulder.
You're doing this for Junho, Chansung reminds himself, repeating it over and over, again and again as Junho lowers himself even further, and Chansung can feel his hot breath tickle the skin of his abs and then his belly button and then his happy trail and then-
Chansung squeezes his eyes shut and Junho's mouth closes over his dick. "Fuck," is all he can manage, because Junho is so good at this, just the right amount of suction and saliva, obviously he knows exactly how Chansung likes it, but he pulls off before Chansung can get too into it. He smiles softly, reaching up to push Chansung's hair off his forehead.
"I love you," he says.
Chansung is already saying it back before he realises it may not be a complete lie.
+
When Chansung wakes up again he isn't sure where he is, but as he hovers on the precipice between consciousness and sleep he also realises one important thing: he's not sure that he cares.
His life, 2PM, his relationship with Junho, nothing is certain, nothing is fixed, nothing is right and nothing is wrong. There are so many possibilities and whatever happens for him now, he'll get through it. He'll get through because wherever he is, there are people that love him-no matter how that love may manifest itself.
And so, with an open heart and an open mind, Chansung opens his eyes.
+