Jan 21, 2013 19:59
I think I'm losing my mind. I hate myself so much. I don't dare tell anyone that, because to me, pride is almost everything. Not to mention I don't need the pep-talks, the "oh please, girl," or the "yeah, because you're life is so awful," chats from my friends.
I'm cocky, I'm confident, I'm independent, I'm self-sufficient, and I talk too much. I'm selfish, and unsympathetic. I'm getting soft (physically), I'm crass and I swear too much. Not to mention I dropped out of college when I was 19, and only just reapplied... 6 years later. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited to be going back, but that will mean I'll have to give up my independence for a long time, and find a roommate again. I fucking hate having roommates.
Oh well. I have goals, and it's time to achieve them. Even if it means sacrificing my self-reliance. But it kills me.
On top of that, I have 2 really great guys pursuing me (T) and (Z), and a third really great guy that I'm pursuing. The one I'm pursuing (M), is incredibly busy, and a little distant and hard to read, since I don't know him as well and we haven't spent much time together. But I think he's worth my time. I think things could be really good. And things are progressing slowly with him. I like that, too. I get to see him again on Tuesday. :)
The other two guys are both great, too. They're way too attached though. (Z) straight up told me he's going to prove to me that he's worth it. He's a good friend of mine, And I do really like him. He's a really considerate, respectful, funny, patient, stereotypical nice guy. I really, really like him. But every time I have to refuse his advances, it hurts, because he is such a good human being. But I'm more interested in (M). :/
(T), on the other hand, while definitely a great person, with the most amazing smile I have ever seen, totally puts me on this ridiculous pedestal. He tells me I'm beautiful (which is great!), he tells me I'm precious (also great!), he touches my face, and my hair (still so! great!). He looks into my eyes and tells me I'm the most amazing, strong, intelligent woman he's ever met (the absolute most great!). But... I can't explain it. I just... these things are amazing to hear, they're what every girl strives to be, I think, but it's hard to believe. I just, I know he's sincere, but... I just don't know. He told me he's falling in love with me. So I haven't seen him since mid-December. I don't know... He texts me still, and asks when we can hang out, and I tell him that I'm pursuing someone else, and he says, "Just let me see you again, I'll change your mind."
I haven't even slept with any of these men, and I'm glad, because I don't need another factor confusing these matters. Though my wonderful, if unhelpful, best friend told me I should sleep with each of them once, and weed them out based on sexual prowess. While that could be a much more enjoyable process than this more mundane one... I think not, haha.
(M) and I went on a date on Jan. 2, and we had a really good time. We've known each other for awhile, sort of. He plays in my friend's band, and I go to almost all of their shows, so we've always seen each other, and at a party like a year ago. Plus, he's got a second band, that i really enjoy, so i go to a lot of those shows too, but we never talk there, since he's a pretty quiet person. At least with new people. Before he asked me if I'd like to hang out, we had probably never exchanged more than 20 words, like ever. Haha. His Facebook message caught me so off guard, I had to ask him if he was being real. I think I might have offended him a little by that, but he forgave me.
What I like about (M) is that he is so busy. He's got two bands, school, and work. He has goals and ambitions. He has this whole life that exists beyond any one aspect of his life. He's stable, responsible, health conscious, and straight forward. He's incredibly attractive, has a great smile, and his eyes are very... active? Responsive? They're deep, and very attractive. He is funny, and kind of awkward, and has these long, strong, but almost delicate hands. And while there's none of that lovely romantic stuff like with the other two, since it's still so early on in the situation, I know that he would take very sweet care of any girl he chose to have feelings for.
Wow, I guess this is weighing on my mind more than I thought! I didn't know I had so much to say about it.
via ljapp