(no subject)
Today is a new day, and nothing will get in my way.
I often wonder what people are doing with there lives and how I can find a way to help them when needed. I am a man of valor, a man of honesty. Good or bad, I will tell you the truth no matter what the consequences are. I will pick you up on your feet when you are down. I will make you smile when things are not looking to bright in your life. I am someone you can talk to or hold when in need. I am love, and that is my weakness. I have been shut down by toooo many people and/or 'friends' that I once had. I am tired of it. And now it is time for me to change who I am. I will no longer trust a human soul as long as I live. And for those who know me, you know I mean it. I WILL not, and won't take any more bullshit from anyone. I am no longer going to be nice to the ones who will not will not act the same in return. It's over. The Mitchell Banks that was once known to help all in need, will no longer be of service. I do things for myself now. Selfish? Yes. But that is how it is going to be. I have been on medication for about a year now for depression, anxiety, and for the fear that I will hurt someone if they anger me. Yes, that is all true. Judge me if you will, but that is who I am and will always be. I am sad. I am angry. I hate this world we live in and just about everything in it. I sit in my room and play video games, play guitar, and do my artwork. I feel like I can't even do that anymore. All that I do now is work. Work, work, work. I have a very few select friends that I hang out with on weekends. I even keep my distance away from them. My mother and father has prolonged the very essence of what I have loved most in my life...Savannah. I had a deal with them that if I kept a job and stay on my medication, she could come up and live with me. That went threw the shithole a few times now. They keep on pushing the time limit back further, and further... It's not right, and It's not like I can live on my own with my mental status. I can hardly take care of myself right now. Don't be surprised, I have always been a little crazed if you havn't noticed. Well, it's not really noticeable. But some have seen it at it's worst. Enough of that talk. Now we shall move on to better, more important things like what am I going to do in the future for myself. I am soon turning myself into a clinic (a crazy house) if things don't start looking up. I'm not making excuses for not being the person that everyone thinks I can be, or even doing the things I should be doing. It's just the way things are...the way my head works. The way I am. My heart is covered in scars and lies from my friends and loved ones not understanding who I am , what I do, and why I do things that I do. And I am also hurt from my 'friends' not making an effort to talk to me.
(Besides Tom and Dan and a few others)
Maybe...maybe we were not as close as I thought we were. Maybe in my little confused head I thought, "Wow, my friends will always be there for me." Phthth... Yeah right. I wish I could tell you guys how much full of shit you are to your faces right now, right fucking now. I would love it, so so soooo much.
There is so much that I want to get off my chest. I hope I have said everything that I wanted to.
OH! On another note:
My biological father never killed himself. My mother lied to me. I have three half brothers somewhere living with my crazy ass father that I have never met. I feel sorry for them. I hope they don't turn out like me or there father. I hope they have a great life. I hope that they get to do and see all the things that life as to offer. I hope they find love, REAL love. And know it... And embrace it...
I'm done ranting on about my self pity.
Safe travels, and hey, good luck in life, you will need all that you can get.
- M.Banks
I often wonder what people are doing with there lives and how I can find a way to help them when needed. I am a man of valor, a man of honesty. Good or bad, I will tell you the truth no matter what the consequences are. I will pick you up on your feet when you are down. I will make you smile when things are not looking to bright in your life. I am someone you can talk to or hold when in need. I am love, and that is my weakness. I have been shut down by toooo many people and/or 'friends' that I once had. I am tired of it. And now it is time for me to change who I am. I will no longer trust a human soul as long as I live. And for those who know me, you know I mean it. I WILL not, and won't take any more bullshit from anyone. I am no longer going to be nice to the ones who will not will not act the same in return. It's over. The Mitchell Banks that was once known to help all in need, will no longer be of service. I do things for myself now. Selfish? Yes. But that is how it is going to be. I have been on medication for about a year now for depression, anxiety, and for the fear that I will hurt someone if they anger me. Yes, that is all true. Judge me if you will, but that is who I am and will always be. I am sad. I am angry. I hate this world we live in and just about everything in it. I sit in my room and play video games, play guitar, and do my artwork. I feel like I can't even do that anymore. All that I do now is work. Work, work, work. I have a very few select friends that I hang out with on weekends. I even keep my distance away from them. My mother and father has prolonged the very essence of what I have loved most in my life...Savannah. I had a deal with them that if I kept a job and stay on my medication, she could come up and live with me. That went threw the shithole a few times now. They keep on pushing the time limit back further, and further... It's not right, and It's not like I can live on my own with my mental status. I can hardly take care of myself right now. Don't be surprised, I have always been a little crazed if you havn't noticed. Well, it's not really noticeable. But some have seen it at it's worst. Enough of that talk. Now we shall move on to better, more important things like what am I going to do in the future for myself. I am soon turning myself into a clinic (a crazy house) if things don't start looking up. I'm not making excuses for not being the person that everyone thinks I can be, or even doing the things I should be doing. It's just the way things are...the way my head works. The way I am. My heart is covered in scars and lies from my friends and loved ones not understanding who I am , what I do, and why I do things that I do. And I am also hurt from my 'friends' not making an effort to talk to me.
(Besides Tom and Dan and a few others)
Maybe...maybe we were not as close as I thought we were. Maybe in my little confused head I thought, "Wow, my friends will always be there for me." Phthth... Yeah right. I wish I could tell you guys how much full of shit you are to your faces right now, right fucking now. I would love it, so so soooo much.
There is so much that I want to get off my chest. I hope I have said everything that I wanted to.
OH! On another note:
My biological father never killed himself. My mother lied to me. I have three half brothers somewhere living with my crazy ass father that I have never met. I feel sorry for them. I hope they don't turn out like me or there father. I hope they have a great life. I hope that they get to do and see all the things that life as to offer. I hope they find love, REAL love. And know it... And embrace it...
I'm done ranting on about my self pity.
Safe travels, and hey, good luck in life, you will need all that you can get.
- M.Banks