nothing feels good
anyway, I feel sick lately cause I cant sleep at all
and I work until 11:30 at night. So thats always fun. Oh well.
I need to go against my every basic instinct. That seems to be the only way I could ever fit in with the world. If I need to speak up, I should shut up. When I need to sleep, stay wide awake. When I need to embrace the people who are important to me, I should cut myself off from them. When I want to cry I laugh. I'm not a good person or a smart person anyway. If I was things would be different for me, instead of me not understanding karma, I'm kind of a selfish bitch and then I wonder why no one loves me. Fuck any of you who say you do, because you know I just can't hear that and believe it.
I've been reading a lot though. I know it doesn't actually make me any smarter or happier. I still feel better when I read though. I shouldn't talk to people. I almost came out to my mom, it didnt happen, I'm sure she knows, but we play mindgames with eachother. She cries. I back off and rethink my life. I havent cried in a while. Not since collettes birthday [I dont remember the date just that it was the 3rd friday of august I think or her bday anyway] Its weird. I really should have cried the other night, I get stressed over nothing. Cept this time it was something, but initially it was really like I said, me making something from nothing into a big something, and now the gross feeling in me wont go away. I dont feel good. I really dont.
I wanna go on a trip to anywhere, but its too cold out, I hate the winter because it makes me feel isolated, but I feel pretty much the same in the summer but have to blame my own inhibition and lack of modivation, but in winter I can say it's the cold.
Work isn't so bad anymore. I just do my job and avoid talking to managers. because I hate them. But going against my every instict: I smile and agree. Or I turn a corner when I see them coming. Its a flawless system. Cept I had a mini panic attack at work yesterday, but thats because I hadnt worked in 5 days and when I got there--no one else had been in toys for like 3 days! So of course it was totalled. Those were 3 days I couldve been there and been paid. ugh.ugh.ugh. But I go to work and I function and I talk to people and I just keep going I guess. I hate myself but I keep going. I dont always hate myself, but today I dont like myself very much.
Um. I saw some cute girls at work. For some reason, maybe a costume party it IS october, the month of halloween, but--yeah, dressed as a cowboy and a cowgirl but they both had boobs and I was like, ha. dragking <3
anyway, what else. I can't wait til pride week. I know its not until the summer, but oh god I can't wait! [mini secret ambition] Once I'm comfortable, and out of the closet and all that, once I really dont give a shit what people think of me [at the moment I really do. I suck, but I do care. One day, I might not.] I plan on volunteering at pride, because well, thats basically the only way things like that run is through people who get like zero recognition for their actions and ideas, and well I'd like to do anything I can do to help I guess.
by the way someone buy me this?
http://cgi.ebay.ca/Nirvana-Kurt-Cobain-OWNED-Shirt-Flannel-SIGNED-by-3_W0QQitemZ180037576221QQihZ008QQcategoryZ104982QQtcZphotoQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I have a better chance of owning that shirt than starting my entire life over again and not being such an idiot. Oh well. Um. Um. Um. I've ruined some stuff this week, and then made it worse, and now I'm stewing in my own angst, which basically means retracing every mistake I've ever made in my entire life until I want to throw up. And wondering why my every good intention makes life worse until I can't breathe because I'm so defective. Because I'm fun like that.
However, I am fun. Very fucking fun. I would like a puppy one day. A puppy would appreciate me, a puppy would think I was fun and a puppy would know I was awesome. A dog has no other choice than to love whos infront of them, so I guess that sucks, but I'd still be worth loving anyway even if I wasnt his only choice. Money is awesome. I mean its the root of all evil, but having some isnt bad, it makes me feel like, yeah bitch I'm going to ride a train because I can or buy a plane ticket or anything, because I can. And that works for me. Money makes me not feel so god damn trapped all the time.
I can be dumb a lot of the time. So. I'm going to go upstairs and read. I promised myself I'd be done the book by tuesday, so I can start a new one when I buy it on wednesday. I think I'm going downtown with logan to buy books.
Um. Thats about it really.
and I work until 11:30 at night. So thats always fun. Oh well.
I need to go against my every basic instinct. That seems to be the only way I could ever fit in with the world. If I need to speak up, I should shut up. When I need to sleep, stay wide awake. When I need to embrace the people who are important to me, I should cut myself off from them. When I want to cry I laugh. I'm not a good person or a smart person anyway. If I was things would be different for me, instead of me not understanding karma, I'm kind of a selfish bitch and then I wonder why no one loves me. Fuck any of you who say you do, because you know I just can't hear that and believe it.
I've been reading a lot though. I know it doesn't actually make me any smarter or happier. I still feel better when I read though. I shouldn't talk to people. I almost came out to my mom, it didnt happen, I'm sure she knows, but we play mindgames with eachother. She cries. I back off and rethink my life. I havent cried in a while. Not since collettes birthday [I dont remember the date just that it was the 3rd friday of august I think or her bday anyway] Its weird. I really should have cried the other night, I get stressed over nothing. Cept this time it was something, but initially it was really like I said, me making something from nothing into a big something, and now the gross feeling in me wont go away. I dont feel good. I really dont.
I wanna go on a trip to anywhere, but its too cold out, I hate the winter because it makes me feel isolated, but I feel pretty much the same in the summer but have to blame my own inhibition and lack of modivation, but in winter I can say it's the cold.
Work isn't so bad anymore. I just do my job and avoid talking to managers. because I hate them. But going against my every instict: I smile and agree. Or I turn a corner when I see them coming. Its a flawless system. Cept I had a mini panic attack at work yesterday, but thats because I hadnt worked in 5 days and when I got there--no one else had been in toys for like 3 days! So of course it was totalled. Those were 3 days I couldve been there and been paid. ugh.ugh.ugh. But I go to work and I function and I talk to people and I just keep going I guess. I hate myself but I keep going. I dont always hate myself, but today I dont like myself very much.
Um. I saw some cute girls at work. For some reason, maybe a costume party it IS october, the month of halloween, but--yeah, dressed as a cowboy and a cowgirl but they both had boobs and I was like, ha. dragking <3
anyway, what else. I can't wait til pride week. I know its not until the summer, but oh god I can't wait! [mini secret ambition] Once I'm comfortable, and out of the closet and all that, once I really dont give a shit what people think of me [at the moment I really do. I suck, but I do care. One day, I might not.] I plan on volunteering at pride, because well, thats basically the only way things like that run is through people who get like zero recognition for their actions and ideas, and well I'd like to do anything I can do to help I guess.
by the way someone buy me this?
http://cgi.ebay.ca/Nirvana-Kurt-Cobain-OWNED-Shirt-Flannel-SIGNED-by-3_W0QQitemZ180037576221QQihZ008QQcategoryZ104982QQtcZphotoQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I have a better chance of owning that shirt than starting my entire life over again and not being such an idiot. Oh well. Um. Um. Um. I've ruined some stuff this week, and then made it worse, and now I'm stewing in my own angst, which basically means retracing every mistake I've ever made in my entire life until I want to throw up. And wondering why my every good intention makes life worse until I can't breathe because I'm so defective. Because I'm fun like that.
However, I am fun. Very fucking fun. I would like a puppy one day. A puppy would appreciate me, a puppy would think I was fun and a puppy would know I was awesome. A dog has no other choice than to love whos infront of them, so I guess that sucks, but I'd still be worth loving anyway even if I wasnt his only choice. Money is awesome. I mean its the root of all evil, but having some isnt bad, it makes me feel like, yeah bitch I'm going to ride a train because I can or buy a plane ticket or anything, because I can. And that works for me. Money makes me not feel so god damn trapped all the time.
I can be dumb a lot of the time. So. I'm going to go upstairs and read. I promised myself I'd be done the book by tuesday, so I can start a new one when I buy it on wednesday. I think I'm going downtown with logan to buy books.
Um. Thats about it really.