Dust in the wind.....
ok, so where the hell is everybody these days? i have about 27 people on my yahoo whom i have frequently talked to. and out of those 27, only 2 ever get on anymore. 2 my job might not pay much and i might have a hard time financially but that will change soon. i'm still working on that. but other than that, like my home life and my family life, they're all fairly good and quite stable. as far as friendship and relationships, the stability is terrible. if you put it on a line graph, it would look like King Kong's EKG. i don't mean to sound like an asshole or sound selfish, but where the hell does everybody go? i have a small circle of about 5 real life friends that i actually get to see in person. the closest one lives 45 minutes away. so as you can tell, we don't see each other often. i wear myself out trying to keep up with them. and as of this morning, i lost 2 of them. i either get stabbed in the back(which is bad but to be expected) or they just fade away and get to where they don't seem to even remember i'm out there.(that's the part that pisses me off the most) and as far as being busy doing stuff? don't give me that shit. you aren't too busy to talk to your other friends, by god, if i'm a friend, talk to me too. everybody tells me one day you'll find them. very soon. well i'm 25 years old now. and they still haven't come. i can't wait forever. i just don't understand why people drift in and out of my life like leaves on a windy day. but yet it's so easy for everybody else. for those of you who are still in my life and who will read this and are my friends, i truely and deeply thank you and will hang on to you as long as you're around, but if you say you'll always be there, spare me the bullshit, you'll fade just like the rest of them. it's not like a few here and there, i've gone through almost 50 people in the last 3 years. i've had to let go of everybody i've been close to. something just doesn't add up here. and for those of you who might say it's me, or that i bring it on myself or that i can't keep friends, it's the opposite. they can't keep me. yeah, sometimes i'm an asshole, sometimes i'm rude, sometimes i'm evil, sometimes i'm arrogent. but that's no different than anybody else that you/they/we hang out with. it's ok for them to do it, well why am i so bad? not having stability in one's life is one of the main causes of stress and depression. and as far as my social life, it's about as unstable as the dallas cowboy lineup. i'm only asking what the hell is the deal and where do they all keep going? i have nobody to hang out with on the weekends, nobody to call and bullshit with. last year on my birthday, i invited lots of people. mostly family. well the day before the party, my cousin mark's best friend was killed in a car crash, my cousin haley's best friend's friend committed suicide and she went to console her friend. haley was the one that was gonna drive everybody. so without her, nobody could make it. i was invited to a party in october. the person invited me because they wanted to meet me really bad. the day before the event, the host of the party was seriously injured in a car crash, spent 2 days in the hospital and the party was called off. yesterday was my 25 birthday. i invited 12 people. mostly family members as well. during that week, my aunt had a serious heart attack and was taken to the hospital, nobody could come cause they were visiting her and the remaining 3 that didn't go to the hospital ended up having to work. what the hell? am i causing all this? would these tragedies happen if i wasn't involved? coincidence my ass, that's 3 in a row! i'm gonna try one more time for a belated birthday party this weekend. if something happens this time, then i give up. it all leads to one thing. the thing i've believed all along. i was born to be alone. sorry for ranting and i'm not complaining to those of you who are still there. i do thank you all and value your friendship with everything i have. just don't lose touch and don't get caught up in the race and lose site of what really matters. i'm not just speaking for me. but for all the lonely people in the world. that is my Christmas wish. a best friend for every lonely soul. goodnight and good luck.