Heroes The Lost Episode
So I actually do have a review of the most recent episode of Heroes. But before I post it, I want to share with you the script for next week's episode.
Or at least what it would have looked like if I were the scriptwriter.
[Open on plane crash. The main cast stumbles about.]
Tracy: *is screaming*
Clarie: *heals Peter*
Peter: Claire you saved us all!
Claire: I had to do it. I couldn’t lose you! I love you Peter!
Mohinder: Alright enough of that. You realize you two are related, right?
Peter: *runs around trying to help people. CPR here, bracing a leg there. Most of these people will die anyway, but he’s noble that way* Claire! Get away from the engine!
Claire: WHAT?
Peter: GET AWAY FROM THE-
[Claire gets sucked into the engine and comes out the other side all bloody and gross. Close up shots of her healing.]
Tracy: *screams some more*
Matt: Oh shut up, you’re not even hurt!
Hiro: Why am I here? I don’t even have powers anymore. This isn’t fair. Unless they’re kidnapping me so that Ando will save me. Always kidnap the powerless sidekick. Oldest trick in the book.
Matt: I miss my girlfriend.
Mohinder: I used to be normal. None of this would have happened to me if I’d stayed normal.
Bennet: *broods*
Peter: *standing at the edge of the grass field* Guys? Where are we?
[Pan across the grass field to a huge expanse of forest.]
Peter: Well, we’d better get a signal fire lit. Or something. Too bad we don’t have anyone with fire powers.
Claire: *wails*
Peter: I’m sorry Claire!
Claire: My mother’s DEAD! A fact I seem to have forgotten in the last episode! But she’s dead Peter! Dead dead dead!
Peter: *hugs Claire* It’s okay, Claire. I’ll protect you.
Claire: *clings*
Mohinder: Seriously. Cut it out. Related.
Matt: Ew. Did you really just think that?
Peter and Claire: *attempts to look innocent*
[The next day]
Bennet: *returns from the jungle with a boar on his back* Breakfast!
Claire: Dad, how did you get that?
Bennet: With my knife, sweetheart.
Tracy: I found some coconuts.
Matt: Oh yeah, you survived?
Tracy: Watch out mister, I will freeze your ass.
Peter: *tries to open coconuts by banging them against a rock* I wish I had my telekinesis! Then I could just slice them open…
Claire: Like a head! Like Sylar slices open heads! Like he did to ME! Peter, remember when he did that to ME! It was OMGSOTRAUMATIZING!!
Peter: I’m sorry Claire! Don’t be upset!
Claire: But now I am wiser and stronger and I will NOT BE MADE A VICTIM PETER PETRELLI AND DADDY! I am going to go climb up a tree and try to signal for help! *storms off and starts climbing a tree*
Peter: Um, coconut?
Tracy: I’ll have some!
Mohinder: I am going to try to fix the plane’s transceiver and get it on a secure channel.
Matt: I thought you were a geneticist.
Mohinder: I am.
Matt: Oh. I just didn’t know geneticists could do that.
Mohinder: I’m the smart one here. I can do everything. Want to help me?
Tracy: I’ll help! What do you need me to do?
Bennet: I’m going to go track stuff.
Peter: What are you tracking?
Bennet: Bad stuff.
Tracy: Oh I can help! I’m an expert tracker.
Everyone (except Claire who is off in the jungle being an action girl): *confused look*
Tracy: What? You never asked.
Bennet: Fine. Tracy and I are going to go tracking. We’ll catch up with you all later.
Peter: I’m coming too!
[Bennet, Peter, and Tracy go off into the jungle]
Matt: *has another dead!African!Isaac vision*
Mohinder: Are you alright, Matt?
Matt: No. I’m not. *stares at Hiro* He’s going to die!
Everyone: What?!
Hiro: *Japanese word for what*
Matt: I just had a vision. You’re going to- *leaps up and knocks Hiro out of the way as a coconut falls out of a tree and lands where Hiro was sitting.*
Hiro: You saved my life! *hugs Matt*
Matt: I miss my girlfriend. I bet she’s looking for us. Want to help me try to find her?
Hiro: Anything! You saved my life!
Claire: *falls out of a tree, hits every branch on the way down and hits the ground looking like a crash test dummy*
[Later that day]
[Bennet, Tracy, and Peter are tracking. Close up on some rustling bushes.]
Tracy: What was that? *clings to Peter*
Bennet: Probably just a boar.
Peter: If I had my prophesy powers I could draw you a picture of what it is.
Tracy: I’m going to go investigate.
Peter: It could be dangerous.
Tracy: I’m a tough girl, can’t you tell?!
[The bushes rustle some more. Suddenly something charges at our heroes. It’s almost at them when-]
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Peter: *stares at Bennet* Where’d you get a gun?!
Bennet: Why wouldn’t I have a gun? Anyway, not the important part. I just shot a polar bear!
Tracy: *gasps*
[Scene switch to Matt and Hiro]
Matt: Wow. Look at this awesome station sitting in the middle of an otherwise uninhabited jungle. I bet there’s a message from my girlfriend here.
Hiro: Maybe there’s a message from Ando too!
Matt: *has another prophetic moment* Oh no! *pulls Hiro away as a bullet passes by*
Hiro: Where did THAT come from?
Matt: Probably just Bennet shooting things again.
Hiro: You saved my life again!
Matt: Yes, I did. But I can’t keep doing that…
[Scene switch to Mohinder and Claire]
Mohinder: *playing with the transceiver* So. What were you doing on the plane in the first place?
Claire: Nathan sent me away so that I wouldn’t get on the plane that was sending you all to a very bad place, so I figured the best thing to do was to get on the plane that he obviously didn’t want me getting on because he was sending you all to a very bad place.
Mohinder: You make no sense.
Claire: I know. Here, let me cut this boar. *Claire slices her arm open*
Mohinder: Do you have to do that?
Claire: Oh hey look! Dynamite!
Mohinder: *facepalm*
[Scene switch to Peter and Tracy]
Tracy: Bennet’s taking the polar bear somewhere.
Peter: Right.
Tracy: So you and I are allllll alone.
Peter: … I guess.
Tracy: You’re a doctor, right Peter?
Peter: Nurse, actually.
Tracy: Close enough. Did I ever tell you that I killed my father and then got my lover killed by accident and I’m a fugitive on the run?
Peter: No you’re not. You had some weird government job that nobody understands, and then you slept with my brother. A lot.
Tracy: Oh close enough. *kisses Peter*
Peter: I’m in love with you. Marry me.
Tracy: Hold that thought for when we get off the island.
[Scene switch to Matt and Hiro]
Hiro: I’m going to go into this room now, okay? You wait here.
Matt: But-
Hiro: Ando and I have a secret code you’re not allowed to know. Wait here.
Matt: Okay. If you see my girlfriend tell her I love her and ask her what her favorite color is, cause I don’t know. And what kind of music she likes. And anything about her childhood that isn’t having cerebral palsy. And… hey could you find out stuff about my girlfriend? I hardly know her.
Hiro: Sure. Just wait here.
[Hiro types in some stuff and gets Daphne on a screen]
Hiro: Nemesis! I’m so happy to see you!
Daphne: Hiro! Where are you? We’ve been looking everywhere for you! Is my boyfriend there?
Hiro: Yeah, he’s over there. But you can’t talk to him right now.
Daphne: That’s okay, Hiro listen! There’s people coming to rescue you but they’re not mine! It’s not my boat! Tell my boyfriend that it’s not my boat!
Hiro: But but he’s all the way over there and I don’t want to have to walk all the way over-
Daphne: DO IT!
Hiro: *shrugs* Okay. *walks over to Matt* It’s not Daphne’s boat.
Matt: Well that can’t be good. Come on, let’s get out of here.
[End of episode]
Or at least what it would have looked like if I were the scriptwriter.
[Open on plane crash. The main cast stumbles about.]
Tracy: *is screaming*
Clarie: *heals Peter*
Peter: Claire you saved us all!
Claire: I had to do it. I couldn’t lose you! I love you Peter!
Mohinder: Alright enough of that. You realize you two are related, right?
Peter: *runs around trying to help people. CPR here, bracing a leg there. Most of these people will die anyway, but he’s noble that way* Claire! Get away from the engine!
Claire: WHAT?
Peter: GET AWAY FROM THE-
[Claire gets sucked into the engine and comes out the other side all bloody and gross. Close up shots of her healing.]
Tracy: *screams some more*
Matt: Oh shut up, you’re not even hurt!
Hiro: Why am I here? I don’t even have powers anymore. This isn’t fair. Unless they’re kidnapping me so that Ando will save me. Always kidnap the powerless sidekick. Oldest trick in the book.
Matt: I miss my girlfriend.
Mohinder: I used to be normal. None of this would have happened to me if I’d stayed normal.
Bennet: *broods*
Peter: *standing at the edge of the grass field* Guys? Where are we?
[Pan across the grass field to a huge expanse of forest.]
Peter: Well, we’d better get a signal fire lit. Or something. Too bad we don’t have anyone with fire powers.
Claire: *wails*
Peter: I’m sorry Claire!
Claire: My mother’s DEAD! A fact I seem to have forgotten in the last episode! But she’s dead Peter! Dead dead dead!
Peter: *hugs Claire* It’s okay, Claire. I’ll protect you.
Claire: *clings*
Mohinder: Seriously. Cut it out. Related.
Matt: Ew. Did you really just think that?
Peter and Claire: *attempts to look innocent*
[The next day]
Bennet: *returns from the jungle with a boar on his back* Breakfast!
Claire: Dad, how did you get that?
Bennet: With my knife, sweetheart.
Tracy: I found some coconuts.
Matt: Oh yeah, you survived?
Tracy: Watch out mister, I will freeze your ass.
Peter: *tries to open coconuts by banging them against a rock* I wish I had my telekinesis! Then I could just slice them open…
Claire: Like a head! Like Sylar slices open heads! Like he did to ME! Peter, remember when he did that to ME! It was OMGSOTRAUMATIZING!!
Peter: I’m sorry Claire! Don’t be upset!
Claire: But now I am wiser and stronger and I will NOT BE MADE A VICTIM PETER PETRELLI AND DADDY! I am going to go climb up a tree and try to signal for help! *storms off and starts climbing a tree*
Peter: Um, coconut?
Tracy: I’ll have some!
Mohinder: I am going to try to fix the plane’s transceiver and get it on a secure channel.
Matt: I thought you were a geneticist.
Mohinder: I am.
Matt: Oh. I just didn’t know geneticists could do that.
Mohinder: I’m the smart one here. I can do everything. Want to help me?
Tracy: I’ll help! What do you need me to do?
Bennet: I’m going to go track stuff.
Peter: What are you tracking?
Bennet: Bad stuff.
Tracy: Oh I can help! I’m an expert tracker.
Everyone (except Claire who is off in the jungle being an action girl): *confused look*
Tracy: What? You never asked.
Bennet: Fine. Tracy and I are going to go tracking. We’ll catch up with you all later.
Peter: I’m coming too!
[Bennet, Peter, and Tracy go off into the jungle]
Matt: *has another dead!African!Isaac vision*
Mohinder: Are you alright, Matt?
Matt: No. I’m not. *stares at Hiro* He’s going to die!
Everyone: What?!
Hiro: *Japanese word for what*
Matt: I just had a vision. You’re going to- *leaps up and knocks Hiro out of the way as a coconut falls out of a tree and lands where Hiro was sitting.*
Hiro: You saved my life! *hugs Matt*
Matt: I miss my girlfriend. I bet she’s looking for us. Want to help me try to find her?
Hiro: Anything! You saved my life!
Claire: *falls out of a tree, hits every branch on the way down and hits the ground looking like a crash test dummy*
[Later that day]
[Bennet, Tracy, and Peter are tracking. Close up on some rustling bushes.]
Tracy: What was that? *clings to Peter*
Bennet: Probably just a boar.
Peter: If I had my prophesy powers I could draw you a picture of what it is.
Tracy: I’m going to go investigate.
Peter: It could be dangerous.
Tracy: I’m a tough girl, can’t you tell?!
[The bushes rustle some more. Suddenly something charges at our heroes. It’s almost at them when-]
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Peter: *stares at Bennet* Where’d you get a gun?!
Bennet: Why wouldn’t I have a gun? Anyway, not the important part. I just shot a polar bear!
Tracy: *gasps*
[Scene switch to Matt and Hiro]
Matt: Wow. Look at this awesome station sitting in the middle of an otherwise uninhabited jungle. I bet there’s a message from my girlfriend here.
Hiro: Maybe there’s a message from Ando too!
Matt: *has another prophetic moment* Oh no! *pulls Hiro away as a bullet passes by*
Hiro: Where did THAT come from?
Matt: Probably just Bennet shooting things again.
Hiro: You saved my life again!
Matt: Yes, I did. But I can’t keep doing that…
[Scene switch to Mohinder and Claire]
Mohinder: *playing with the transceiver* So. What were you doing on the plane in the first place?
Claire: Nathan sent me away so that I wouldn’t get on the plane that was sending you all to a very bad place, so I figured the best thing to do was to get on the plane that he obviously didn’t want me getting on because he was sending you all to a very bad place.
Mohinder: You make no sense.
Claire: I know. Here, let me cut this boar. *Claire slices her arm open*
Mohinder: Do you have to do that?
Claire: Oh hey look! Dynamite!
Mohinder: *facepalm*
[Scene switch to Peter and Tracy]
Tracy: Bennet’s taking the polar bear somewhere.
Peter: Right.
Tracy: So you and I are allllll alone.
Peter: … I guess.
Tracy: You’re a doctor, right Peter?
Peter: Nurse, actually.
Tracy: Close enough. Did I ever tell you that I killed my father and then got my lover killed by accident and I’m a fugitive on the run?
Peter: No you’re not. You had some weird government job that nobody understands, and then you slept with my brother. A lot.
Tracy: Oh close enough. *kisses Peter*
Peter: I’m in love with you. Marry me.
Tracy: Hold that thought for when we get off the island.
[Scene switch to Matt and Hiro]
Hiro: I’m going to go into this room now, okay? You wait here.
Matt: But-
Hiro: Ando and I have a secret code you’re not allowed to know. Wait here.
Matt: Okay. If you see my girlfriend tell her I love her and ask her what her favorite color is, cause I don’t know. And what kind of music she likes. And anything about her childhood that isn’t having cerebral palsy. And… hey could you find out stuff about my girlfriend? I hardly know her.
Hiro: Sure. Just wait here.
[Hiro types in some stuff and gets Daphne on a screen]
Hiro: Nemesis! I’m so happy to see you!
Daphne: Hiro! Where are you? We’ve been looking everywhere for you! Is my boyfriend there?
Hiro: Yeah, he’s over there. But you can’t talk to him right now.
Daphne: That’s okay, Hiro listen! There’s people coming to rescue you but they’re not mine! It’s not my boat! Tell my boyfriend that it’s not my boat!
Hiro: But but he’s all the way over there and I don’t want to have to walk all the way over-
Daphne: DO IT!
Hiro: *shrugs* Okay. *walks over to Matt* It’s not Daphne’s boat.
Matt: Well that can’t be good. Come on, let’s get out of here.
[End of episode]