this is a rant...and its LONG
omg...where do i begin?
so no matter what i do, what im thinking about...something HAS to go wrong and fuck things completely up for me. im at that point again where nothing seems to go right for me anymore. i know i have shitty luck...but come on. dont i get a break? cant things just go right for me once in a while? dont i deserve that?!
ive been trying so hard not to break down this semester. living with all my friends is so great but its hard when youre not feeling all that great and you have people asking "are you okay?" i know theyre trying to be nice and help...but sometimes i just dont want to talk to anyone....i dont want to do anything. i came into this semester with such a positive outlook. i was going to do better academically, i would be living with my friends, i would FINALLY feel like i belonged somewhere. so far...i feel like everything is slipping away from me.
so i was so ready to do well this semester...my goal was to make the dean's list. i knew i could do it and i was doing my work and doing it well...i even had time to spare when everyone else was doing work. something i had never felt before. well that didnt last. it was just a mean fluke to get me to think things would be ok
i know history has never been my strong point and i knew i didnt want to take another...but i was required to take another 3 credits. so i decided to take american history. had to be better than european history right? and after last semester with my european history class....ANYTHING had to be better....again, right? so wrong. i am so lost in this class its not even funny. sometimes i dont even understand why. i do the readings....i pay attention in class (for the most part =/) and the teacher is.....ok. i really dont want to get my grade back for my midterm tomorrow. not at all. ill be so lucky if i passed. itd be a miracle. and the worst thing is...that its one of those classes where there are only a few grades...so if you do shitty on something...youre screwed. i am seriously thinking about dropping the class....with a W on my transcript. then taking a course over the summer or something...*sigh* i dont even know yet.
self-management youd think would be an easy class...i mean...if i didnt know how to manage myself i wouldnt be here right? well...that class is not so easy...in fact, its really hard. i have to memorize so many definitions. and theyre all common sense too so youd think that itd be a sinch...but my teacher is one of those...that if you dont put the EXACT phrase down...he'll take off points...and let me tell you...those points add up. i guess i shouldnt be complaining too much...cause i am doing well in the class so far (*knocks on wood*). but i have to work my butt off till the end of the semester cause its towards my major...
theres another thing...my major. its not that i dont like it and i dont see myself doing it. but its not something i love...its just something i kinda settled for. is that bad? will it haunt me in the future to make me wonder if i made the right choice? i REALLY want to be a teacher. i have for a long time now. but i have a huge problem....theres nothing id want to teach. math is out of the question because i would kill myslef in majoring in math...and im not good at anything else. so there goes that dream down the drain. and with psych...if i want to work in a school (to get me even a little bit close to that dream) as a couselor or a psychologist....i HAVE to get my masters...theres no doubt about it. i want to try for the 5 year masters program here...but can i do it? will i get in? will i be able to handle it? how am i gonna pay for it? my parents said they wont...i may try to peruade them...but if i fail...where am i gonna get the money for it? what am i gonna do if i dont get into the 5 year program here? where else can i go?
omg...and another...yes another....issue im having is with scheduling...there are so many problems with it i dont even know where to start...i want so bad to just sit down with my advisor and go over everything one by one. but shes never in her office and i only have a 15 minute apt with her on wed morning before my 9 30 class. thats no where near enough time.
ugh...
and then theres the issue of food....yes...food. i found out that my cholesterol level came back really high (which is understandable cause all i ate over the summer was fast food pretty much from being in hurcs). but it is soooo hard to eat healthier here. god knows i try. but there are not many options here at school. and its also not easy when you are surrounded by friends who can pretty much eat what they want just because they got the "right genes". i have been cheating...but i try so hard not to....and i dont know if anyone else feels this way but food is a comfort to me. it makes me feel even the slightest bit better when i am depressed...which as you can tell...is pretty much all the time nowadays. if i were happier and less stressed i honestly think id be doing better on my "diet". just cause i would feel better about myself...but when i feel like shit...its hard to even care about what i eat.
and i dont know why...and it in some ways seems so stupid...but i have been on a low self esteem kick lately...i look at myself and i hate what i see...i want to lose weight and thats not happening. and i just dont think im very attractive. matt tells me im beautiful and i try so hard to believe him but its hard sometimes. i dont know why...i am so selfish...i should be so thankful for all that i have...but yet i still wish i had more...i am one of those people who looks at the girl sitting at the other table, and wishes i could switch places sometimes...thats so bad...i want so bad to love myself and be happy with who i am...but goddammit...its so hard.
i prob just confessed a whole lot more than i wouldve liked...but i dont care...thats the thing...i just dont care...
i keep telling myself..."itll all be better next semester...a new fresh clean start"...
but honestly...will it?
and thats yet another thing...my rommate is leaving next semester....and i really want stacie to just move in and all will be well...but theres no guarentee shell be able to...im really scared that nicole third roomate will get broken down and put into my room and i wont get a say in it...i dont think thatll happen...but what if? i dont think id survive if i lived with her...i cant even stand it when shes in the suite let alone to think of "living" in my room. i dont know how nicole and maraysa manage...granted shes rarely there...but when she is....i want to just punch her so hard. and then what if i get a random roomate? will i like her? will we get along? what if? what if? what if?! thats all i think about.
im gonna miss rachel...i know shes messy...and loud at times...but i love her anyway. im so happy for her to finally be doing something and going somewhere thatll make her happy. and its so bad....but now that shes leaving...i feel like im getting closer to her...not because shes leaving....but i truely enjoy hanging out with her. shes so funny....always makes me laugh. and im just gonna miss her. ='(
...
i guess thats it for now...if you actually read that whole thing....i commend you...i wouldnt want to sit through all of that.
sorry for the long ass rant....but this is something ive kept in for too long. lets just hope...things will get even a little better.