2nd entry. i'm fucking losing my shit.
i was pretty depressed the entire august. My gf, who i do resent sometimes but who i deeply care about, left for China to study for a year. i'm still sticking with her. Then the entire month of August led me to believe that i was unwanted by all the companies i applied for, since i got interviews but no follow ups. Now that i have a really sure, and really great new employer, my former employer goes ahead AND DOES THIS SHIT. So now my happiness has been derailed once more, this time worse than before. i don't know if i can take this fucking shit any longer.
How do i know i'm losing my shit... Welly my gunsmith is asking for technical advice from me and i'm just getting pissed off at him. Genuinely pissed, as in i keep thinking (while he bothers me on chat) "why won't you shut the fuck up please lang just leave me the fuck alone". This never happens. It shouldn't happen. i'm losing it. i don't get pissed when people try to ask me for advice, and in fact i SHOULDN'T because i know i get quite irritating when i ask other people for advice too. Like on bikes, etc.
Although to be honest, my gunsmith gives a lot of unsolicited advice on things he doesn't really know much about, but thinks he knows. i normally forgive him generously for this coz he's a good person, and smart too so i value his perspective. Yeah maybe i really am losing it, getting irrationally pissed at my friends. AT FRIENDS. i value my friends. What the hell is happening to me.
This is all because i'm very anxious about the possible negative consequences of the recent events with my ex-employer and ex-client. i need a fucking chill pill. Or maybe it would be healthier for me to get angry at everyone i've been angry at for the past two years. i've kept it all pent up inside because i haven't been in a position to talk. All these years i've been made to absorb the responsibility for the poor decisions of others. Now... Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. People are shit. There are two ways to release negativity, the eastern and western ways. The eastern way deals with suppressing and repressing such emotions to the point where ignoring them becomes easier and habitual over time. The western way involves letting it all out. i dunno what to do. Repressing is killing me. Driving me fucking insane. i feel like i'm fucking losing grip.
Have you ever flown a helicopter? Or an RC helicopter? Or at the very least, seen one (RC or for real) lose control and crash? The thing with helicopters is that when you lose control you still have the illusion of control when really, trying to save the aircraft by throttling up and down, manipulating the pitch yaw and rudder will only serve to damage it more. No matter how logical and level headed you think you act in this panicked situation nothing will save you because that's how things are with helicopters. You're spinning out of control on your way down and since your main engines are still running you think you can save the situation. Except that you only feel that way, in reality you're gonna crash and burn no matter what but you're still holding the joystick believing the lie that you can still save the situation and minimize damage to personnel and property. You're losing grip of the controls but not fast enough to realize immediately that it would be wiser to bail out. You keep trying to keep the situation in your hands while the vehicle keeps bucking and twisting and spinning and it's only once you've hit the ground, blown up the helicopter and killed yourself and all your crew that you realize the situation was already out of hand the moment you started spiraling downwards and if you bailed out sooner you'd still be alive. But too late. You're fucking dead. Crashed and fucking burned. That's how i've been feeling about things lately.
i'm going fucking nuts. i dunno if any helicopter pilots will dispute me. But that's how it is with RC Helis, and from what i understand about real helis, it's the same. i don't like how i'm getting angry at all my friends for making conversation with me because it's fucking irrational. i don't like how i'm starting to lose my fucking temper at smaller and smaller things. i especially hate how i know that there are very reasonable things to get very angry about - particularly salot sa lipunan Filipinos. But at the same time there are things one shouldn't get mad about coz they can be solved rationally with diplomacy and the thing is the line between them is beginning to blur. The more i try to stop it the worse it gets. i dunno what to do na. Fuck this shit.
i miss my girlfriend. But she can't do anything to make this better. Nothing will. Until i really just put my foot down.
How do i know i'm losing my shit... Welly my gunsmith is asking for technical advice from me and i'm just getting pissed off at him. Genuinely pissed, as in i keep thinking (while he bothers me on chat) "why won't you shut the fuck up please lang just leave me the fuck alone". This never happens. It shouldn't happen. i'm losing it. i don't get pissed when people try to ask me for advice, and in fact i SHOULDN'T because i know i get quite irritating when i ask other people for advice too. Like on bikes, etc.
Although to be honest, my gunsmith gives a lot of unsolicited advice on things he doesn't really know much about, but thinks he knows. i normally forgive him generously for this coz he's a good person, and smart too so i value his perspective. Yeah maybe i really am losing it, getting irrationally pissed at my friends. AT FRIENDS. i value my friends. What the hell is happening to me.
This is all because i'm very anxious about the possible negative consequences of the recent events with my ex-employer and ex-client. i need a fucking chill pill. Or maybe it would be healthier for me to get angry at everyone i've been angry at for the past two years. i've kept it all pent up inside because i haven't been in a position to talk. All these years i've been made to absorb the responsibility for the poor decisions of others. Now... Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. People are shit. There are two ways to release negativity, the eastern and western ways. The eastern way deals with suppressing and repressing such emotions to the point where ignoring them becomes easier and habitual over time. The western way involves letting it all out. i dunno what to do. Repressing is killing me. Driving me fucking insane. i feel like i'm fucking losing grip.
Have you ever flown a helicopter? Or an RC helicopter? Or at the very least, seen one (RC or for real) lose control and crash? The thing with helicopters is that when you lose control you still have the illusion of control when really, trying to save the aircraft by throttling up and down, manipulating the pitch yaw and rudder will only serve to damage it more. No matter how logical and level headed you think you act in this panicked situation nothing will save you because that's how things are with helicopters. You're spinning out of control on your way down and since your main engines are still running you think you can save the situation. Except that you only feel that way, in reality you're gonna crash and burn no matter what but you're still holding the joystick believing the lie that you can still save the situation and minimize damage to personnel and property. You're losing grip of the controls but not fast enough to realize immediately that it would be wiser to bail out. You keep trying to keep the situation in your hands while the vehicle keeps bucking and twisting and spinning and it's only once you've hit the ground, blown up the helicopter and killed yourself and all your crew that you realize the situation was already out of hand the moment you started spiraling downwards and if you bailed out sooner you'd still be alive. But too late. You're fucking dead. Crashed and fucking burned. That's how i've been feeling about things lately.
i'm going fucking nuts. i dunno if any helicopter pilots will dispute me. But that's how it is with RC Helis, and from what i understand about real helis, it's the same. i don't like how i'm getting angry at all my friends for making conversation with me because it's fucking irrational. i don't like how i'm starting to lose my fucking temper at smaller and smaller things. i especially hate how i know that there are very reasonable things to get very angry about - particularly salot sa lipunan Filipinos. But at the same time there are things one shouldn't get mad about coz they can be solved rationally with diplomacy and the thing is the line between them is beginning to blur. The more i try to stop it the worse it gets. i dunno what to do na. Fuck this shit.
i miss my girlfriend. But she can't do anything to make this better. Nothing will. Until i really just put my foot down.