Been a while.
It's been a while since i last posted. Around 8 months. i dunno why i'm bothering posting. i feel like it'll help me concentrate on something. i've been having a hard time concentrating on anything. i don't like the things i used to do. i do but somehow i can't concentrate on them anymore. i can't even bring myself to wake up in the morning to go out and bike (yeah i'm a mountain biker now), play airsoft, or build stuff. i especially dislike building stuff, even tho i used to love it. i have all these project plans for things i want to build... but i hate all the extra work now. i don't know why. i dunno what's wrong with me anymore.
Work. i especially hate work. i'm leaving my company coz i've lost faith in everyone. i still keep on good terms with my boss, who i believed in before, but now things are getting out of his control, and he still tries to make these promises that things will change, that we'll have better terms of employment and that the company has bright things in the future. i acknowledge he's done good things for us before, which is why i stayed as long as i did. Now tho, it's all just false hopes. He isn't a big part of why i'm leaving tho - it's just that, now that i'm leaving and he's been trying to convince me to stay, i realized these things about him, and am just not motivated at all to stay. Anyway, nothing personal against him. Perhaps he's just lost. Maybe he'll find his way eventually. But only if he gets rid of the current people he has now.
Major reason i left? In order, clients, coworkers, money and the circumstances around which we work. The clients, i've ranted about them before. What pushed me over the edge was when i was in Pangasinan in around May - i had a lot of things to deal with at the plant, and the aircon of the pickup just died, so i had to make due for the next 4 days without aircon in the car. It was summer, and this year's summer was exceptionally hot AND humid. Anyway i was trying to do a good job, since that Pangasinan peeps are good people, then the Batangas peeps suddenly email accusing us of not making an effort to fix their problems. Thing is, i did, and anyone that read the email trail properly would know that. The backlash was probably purely political. Anyway, that was the last straw among many other straws taken by many other clients during that time. And so a week after i got back from Pangasinan i sent my one month's notice.
Up to now i haven't fully quit. Why? i'm turning over my projects and that's no easy task. Things have gotten much worse. The arrogant incompetent asshole that screwed up our Mondelez project improved for a while after that fiasco of a project. Then after i sent in my resignation he started being really full of hot air. Much, much worse than before. To the point where he would go shirtless in the office. Who the fuck goes shirtless in an office. Then he makes claims like he's "seen it all" as an automation engineer, is used to dealing with all the pressure, etc. He goes so far as to insist he can take over all my projects. i was taking care of this one project - LBC, which involves a lot of harder-than-usual programming and databasing. He thinks he can take over that, but he's a dumbass. So far i've been resistant to his persistence in saying he can take over it... But you know what i think i just might. So he'll fuck it up and maybe finally shut the fuck up about his stupid fucking experiences. Or better yet, get fired. He thinks he's so fucking hard core. Going so far as to say he used to skateboard, just so he can look cool. You know i want to say this to him so he'll finally stop pretending. He'll never ever be as good as i am at skateboarding, much less programming. Even if i give him a one or two year head start, he won't EVER come close to what i can do.
My other coworkers... Don't really give a fuck about em. They have their own fights between each other. Ah i do have one friend - she's a lesbian, and another one who i somewhat consider a friend by extension, since she's a close friend of the lesbo. The difference is, i'd go somewhat out of my way to drink with the lesbo, but if the other girl wants to drink and the lesbo isn't there, i won't make any effort. But if i'm drinking with my lesbo friend i'd still think of inviting the other girl.
My girlfriend. She's leaving for China for a year, to study. i don't want to wait for her. She wants to make it work. We don't have too much in common. As it is, it's hard enough for us to meet up. It's also hard enough for me to find things to do with her. We have absolutely nothing in common, and to keep conversations going between each other, we read articles we both find interesting and discuss them. It is as mundane and painstaking as it sounds. In fact it's somewhat akin to having classroom discussions. Read the article before the meeting, then provide discussion points. Right now the effort is worth it because in the end we care about each other. A lot of my emotional connection with her banks on getting to see her, talk to her and cuddle her in person. Add the effort of maintaining this emotional bond over a year of no IRL contact and for me it's just not worth it anymore. At status quo i already feel like the effort to sustain the relationship is cumbersome but somewhat worth it. Have it turn into a long distance thing even just for a year and... no. No more. Of course i'll be painted as the bad guy in this picture. It's a cold decision but i'm tired and exasperated of all this work. A decent relationship shouldn't involve so much effort that it feels forced. And don't get me started on the sex. It's terrible. i have absolutely no physical desire for her at all and there are days when she can't seem to get that. We discussed this like reasonable adults so many times in the past and still she makes a fuss about it every now and then. Sometimes i honestly just want to shoot my dick off just to end such discussions for once and for all. It is such a pain in the ass. Honestly.
More on girlfriend. We met at Cubao in 2012. i don't regret that. It was an experience dating her the first time. We quit in 2013, stayed friends. By that time i already knew i cared for her deeply, and had profound affections for her. Just not in the ideal boyfriend - girlfriend kind of way. i dunno. More of i wanted to see her happy and successful, and wanted to help her meet her goals. In 2014 she said she liked me and wanted me to be her bf. She said she'd have to end the friendship if i said no. i said yes. That, i regret. i don't know what i can do now because now that i've been thinking of things logically - with the China thing in mind - i see that a lot of the relationship is forced. i want a girlfriend i actually have things in common with. i realize now that i've never really dated anyone with common interests. The most i've gotten is a "close enough but not quite" sort of common interest. i also want a girlfriend who i can see more than once a week. i swear. i'm so fucking jealous of my south friends whose bfs/gfs also live in the south. They see each other at least thrice a week. They go to the gym together. They chill at home together, eating snacks and watching stupid things. Sometimes i don't think they even watch anything, they just chill with each other at each others' houses, sometimes doing their own things, but together. We can't even do that properly coz it's such a fucking hassle to just go to each other's places. Then, do things together? Like what? Nothing. We can't even chill out properly in my room without unsolicited pestering for sex. i just want to chill with her and to emotionally bond with her. The last thing we have going for us is that i still care about her. i just don't know how to express it anymore.
Anyway i'm done. i hope these ranting/writing exercises will help me concentrate on better things soon.
Work. i especially hate work. i'm leaving my company coz i've lost faith in everyone. i still keep on good terms with my boss, who i believed in before, but now things are getting out of his control, and he still tries to make these promises that things will change, that we'll have better terms of employment and that the company has bright things in the future. i acknowledge he's done good things for us before, which is why i stayed as long as i did. Now tho, it's all just false hopes. He isn't a big part of why i'm leaving tho - it's just that, now that i'm leaving and he's been trying to convince me to stay, i realized these things about him, and am just not motivated at all to stay. Anyway, nothing personal against him. Perhaps he's just lost. Maybe he'll find his way eventually. But only if he gets rid of the current people he has now.
Major reason i left? In order, clients, coworkers, money and the circumstances around which we work. The clients, i've ranted about them before. What pushed me over the edge was when i was in Pangasinan in around May - i had a lot of things to deal with at the plant, and the aircon of the pickup just died, so i had to make due for the next 4 days without aircon in the car. It was summer, and this year's summer was exceptionally hot AND humid. Anyway i was trying to do a good job, since that Pangasinan peeps are good people, then the Batangas peeps suddenly email accusing us of not making an effort to fix their problems. Thing is, i did, and anyone that read the email trail properly would know that. The backlash was probably purely political. Anyway, that was the last straw among many other straws taken by many other clients during that time. And so a week after i got back from Pangasinan i sent my one month's notice.
Up to now i haven't fully quit. Why? i'm turning over my projects and that's no easy task. Things have gotten much worse. The arrogant incompetent asshole that screwed up our Mondelez project improved for a while after that fiasco of a project. Then after i sent in my resignation he started being really full of hot air. Much, much worse than before. To the point where he would go shirtless in the office. Who the fuck goes shirtless in an office. Then he makes claims like he's "seen it all" as an automation engineer, is used to dealing with all the pressure, etc. He goes so far as to insist he can take over all my projects. i was taking care of this one project - LBC, which involves a lot of harder-than-usual programming and databasing. He thinks he can take over that, but he's a dumbass. So far i've been resistant to his persistence in saying he can take over it... But you know what i think i just might. So he'll fuck it up and maybe finally shut the fuck up about his stupid fucking experiences. Or better yet, get fired. He thinks he's so fucking hard core. Going so far as to say he used to skateboard, just so he can look cool. You know i want to say this to him so he'll finally stop pretending. He'll never ever be as good as i am at skateboarding, much less programming. Even if i give him a one or two year head start, he won't EVER come close to what i can do.
My other coworkers... Don't really give a fuck about em. They have their own fights between each other. Ah i do have one friend - she's a lesbian, and another one who i somewhat consider a friend by extension, since she's a close friend of the lesbo. The difference is, i'd go somewhat out of my way to drink with the lesbo, but if the other girl wants to drink and the lesbo isn't there, i won't make any effort. But if i'm drinking with my lesbo friend i'd still think of inviting the other girl.
My girlfriend. She's leaving for China for a year, to study. i don't want to wait for her. She wants to make it work. We don't have too much in common. As it is, it's hard enough for us to meet up. It's also hard enough for me to find things to do with her. We have absolutely nothing in common, and to keep conversations going between each other, we read articles we both find interesting and discuss them. It is as mundane and painstaking as it sounds. In fact it's somewhat akin to having classroom discussions. Read the article before the meeting, then provide discussion points. Right now the effort is worth it because in the end we care about each other. A lot of my emotional connection with her banks on getting to see her, talk to her and cuddle her in person. Add the effort of maintaining this emotional bond over a year of no IRL contact and for me it's just not worth it anymore. At status quo i already feel like the effort to sustain the relationship is cumbersome but somewhat worth it. Have it turn into a long distance thing even just for a year and... no. No more. Of course i'll be painted as the bad guy in this picture. It's a cold decision but i'm tired and exasperated of all this work. A decent relationship shouldn't involve so much effort that it feels forced. And don't get me started on the sex. It's terrible. i have absolutely no physical desire for her at all and there are days when she can't seem to get that. We discussed this like reasonable adults so many times in the past and still she makes a fuss about it every now and then. Sometimes i honestly just want to shoot my dick off just to end such discussions for once and for all. It is such a pain in the ass. Honestly.
More on girlfriend. We met at Cubao in 2012. i don't regret that. It was an experience dating her the first time. We quit in 2013, stayed friends. By that time i already knew i cared for her deeply, and had profound affections for her. Just not in the ideal boyfriend - girlfriend kind of way. i dunno. More of i wanted to see her happy and successful, and wanted to help her meet her goals. In 2014 she said she liked me and wanted me to be her bf. She said she'd have to end the friendship if i said no. i said yes. That, i regret. i don't know what i can do now because now that i've been thinking of things logically - with the China thing in mind - i see that a lot of the relationship is forced. i want a girlfriend i actually have things in common with. i realize now that i've never really dated anyone with common interests. The most i've gotten is a "close enough but not quite" sort of common interest. i also want a girlfriend who i can see more than once a week. i swear. i'm so fucking jealous of my south friends whose bfs/gfs also live in the south. They see each other at least thrice a week. They go to the gym together. They chill at home together, eating snacks and watching stupid things. Sometimes i don't think they even watch anything, they just chill with each other at each others' houses, sometimes doing their own things, but together. We can't even do that properly coz it's such a fucking hassle to just go to each other's places. Then, do things together? Like what? Nothing. We can't even chill out properly in my room without unsolicited pestering for sex. i just want to chill with her and to emotionally bond with her. The last thing we have going for us is that i still care about her. i just don't know how to express it anymore.
Anyway i'm done. i hope these ranting/writing exercises will help me concentrate on better things soon.