You looked better on myspace...
I signed up for that myspace thing finally. Really far behind the curve on that one. I still don't get it though. It's poorly designed and very awkward to navigate. But there was one huge draw that I just couldn't ignore. More than all of the search engines combined since the dawn of my experience on the internet I have found more old friends and acquaintances on myspace than I ever thought I would.
I even saw an old buddy that currently lives in the same town as me. Yikes!
But reunions look better in the ads. I feel awkward after the initial hello. Where does it go from there? Truth is I've never really been good at personal relationships. There is a reason I wasn't in contact with ANYONE from my past. And half of the people I've tried to connect with since, well, their responses have been cold or half-hearted. I don't blame them, but it hurts a little. Truth be told.
I love to daydream. Sometimes I daydream at night to help me fall asleep. I'll daydream like crazy in the shower. On the toilet. On the way to work. I try not to daydream about winning the lottery anymore. My heart breaks when it doesn't happen and that's just plain not healthy. One of my favorite things to daydream about is my childhood. I picture myself there as I am now. Me now, but in my little kid body. I suppose that might be pretty common, but I never really daydream about the people or experiences of my youth. I just daydream about the awe and wonder I would go though finding myself in that situation. In fact I concentrate on the feelings that I would go through so much that the only action that really takes place is I find myself in my old room, and I stumble my way to the bathroom to stare at my face and marvel at the magic. Sometimes I'll debate on whether it would be wise to tell my grandparents or my sister what is going on. I'll consider logistics. But I hardly ever really leave the mirror. The daydream was not ruined when I got married and had kids. I just add the caveat that I somehow, instinctively know that I will only be back for a little while. A vacation. But the suspension of belief and reason is just as strong now as it always was.
But. Inspite of that. And inspite of the deep sense of dread I keep bringing up about this being my 30th year alive. And I mean really, inspite of all of that, I am very content right now. Very happy with my life. My wife is awesome and our marriage is the best I have ever even seen. I feel like we are setting a standard. My kids are great. They are smart and kind and fun. So much fun. Objectively, they really are good kids. My job is good. My concerns regarding work are so simple I am tempted to look up a better word than "concerns". I don't receive my identity from what I do and it doesn't drain me of anything I'm not willing to give it.
So what's the rub? Where am I left? Tell me doctor LJ, why do I leave the people in my peripheral? People I do care for? Why do I wallow in the mechanics of a day dream, but refuse to commit to full fledged romantic reminiscence? Why come? How for? Why to? Is the answer on myspace?
I don't know. I think I'm being overdramatic. I'm not going to blame this on my Catholic flux. If I had things my way every day would be a state of flux.
You know what though? I've never met anyone like me. Good bad or indifferent. And the only thing that concerns me about that is how do I explain all this to my boy when he gets older? My fear is that I won't have myself figured out in time for me to help him with insights about how to figure himself out.
Maybe my old buddy from myspace can give me some insights. Or maybe I just need to shut up and allow more people into my space.
I even saw an old buddy that currently lives in the same town as me. Yikes!
But reunions look better in the ads. I feel awkward after the initial hello. Where does it go from there? Truth is I've never really been good at personal relationships. There is a reason I wasn't in contact with ANYONE from my past. And half of the people I've tried to connect with since, well, their responses have been cold or half-hearted. I don't blame them, but it hurts a little. Truth be told.
I love to daydream. Sometimes I daydream at night to help me fall asleep. I'll daydream like crazy in the shower. On the toilet. On the way to work. I try not to daydream about winning the lottery anymore. My heart breaks when it doesn't happen and that's just plain not healthy. One of my favorite things to daydream about is my childhood. I picture myself there as I am now. Me now, but in my little kid body. I suppose that might be pretty common, but I never really daydream about the people or experiences of my youth. I just daydream about the awe and wonder I would go though finding myself in that situation. In fact I concentrate on the feelings that I would go through so much that the only action that really takes place is I find myself in my old room, and I stumble my way to the bathroom to stare at my face and marvel at the magic. Sometimes I'll debate on whether it would be wise to tell my grandparents or my sister what is going on. I'll consider logistics. But I hardly ever really leave the mirror. The daydream was not ruined when I got married and had kids. I just add the caveat that I somehow, instinctively know that I will only be back for a little while. A vacation. But the suspension of belief and reason is just as strong now as it always was.
But. Inspite of that. And inspite of the deep sense of dread I keep bringing up about this being my 30th year alive. And I mean really, inspite of all of that, I am very content right now. Very happy with my life. My wife is awesome and our marriage is the best I have ever even seen. I feel like we are setting a standard. My kids are great. They are smart and kind and fun. So much fun. Objectively, they really are good kids. My job is good. My concerns regarding work are so simple I am tempted to look up a better word than "concerns". I don't receive my identity from what I do and it doesn't drain me of anything I'm not willing to give it.
So what's the rub? Where am I left? Tell me doctor LJ, why do I leave the people in my peripheral? People I do care for? Why do I wallow in the mechanics of a day dream, but refuse to commit to full fledged romantic reminiscence? Why come? How for? Why to? Is the answer on myspace?
I don't know. I think I'm being overdramatic. I'm not going to blame this on my Catholic flux. If I had things my way every day would be a state of flux.
You know what though? I've never met anyone like me. Good bad or indifferent. And the only thing that concerns me about that is how do I explain all this to my boy when he gets older? My fear is that I won't have myself figured out in time for me to help him with insights about how to figure himself out.
Maybe my old buddy from myspace can give me some insights. Or maybe I just need to shut up and allow more people into my space.