(no subject)
I thought it mattered, but it doesn't.
Have a neon sign on my forehead apparently.
It even blinks for those that can see it.
My first entry was about lying.
I remember it well, I remember who it was about, and I remember why.
Things have come along way...for the one that it was written about.
In a perfect world, that wouldn't happen.
In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to defend who I am and what I do.
Proof is in the pudding.
Apparently some are afraid to taste it.
It scares them.
Someone that cares like I do.
Some aren't scared at all.
Thank you for that.
YOU.
Yep.
I am on an Italian food kick.
Last night = chicken cacciatore.
Tonight = lasagna. You're welcome to come. Dinner's at 5.
Tomorrow night = using a couple gift receipts to an Italian eatery. Just me and the husband. For a change.
And I don't want to talk about that.
THAT is making me ill.
And I don't want to talk about them either.
Because that makes me angry. At them and myself.
Going to dinner with friends Saturday.
Something we rarely do, because it's something we rarely have. We've made some friends. And that's nice. For a change.
Two couples. And we don't talk about either.
And then he has nights he does things with friends. Rare...maybe once every 2 months or so.
And I don't.
Because things for me aren't easy. As social as I am...funny, eh?
I thought I had...I know of...well, it would fit on less than one hand.
Maybe less.
I'm thinking about a job.
I'm thinking about it because we're still bailing...especially after Christmas. Made things worse, but we couldn't not do it.
It's.............well..........can't take it with you.
Spend it today, make more tomorrow.
My best friend's dad says that...she's in Alaska, he's in Pennsylvania. Lucky man. I want their weather.
I already have their team. I love the Steelers.
Aren't I nuts?
Husband doesn't want me to feel like I HAVE to work.
It would make things hard...mom's working and can't stay with Shelby.
She could go with her. Maybe make some money herself. Miss Hopi's like her great grandmother...very wise.
In fact, she told Shelby to never get married...instead, keep a man as a pet, that way, if they do something bad, you can just put them outside.
And when I speak sadly of friends...I'm not talking about YOU, because you're different. You are special and I believe in you.
I'm not in it anymore...my heart's not in it.
I'm losing some of myself, the good parts.
Kind of like when husband was gone. I was angry and cold.
I want that.
Seriously.
It made people show respect, they were almost scared of me, because I wasn't afraid to get in their face and tell them exactly what I wanted......and why....and how. I wasn't mean...just...clear.
I don't want anyone scared of me. Just respectful. To believe I'm serious, and straightforward...even if it disturbs. At least it's real.
I was intimidated by someone once...and I still think they are awesome, because they are in your face and straightforward, no holds barred.
yup.
Maybe I need to have less compassion.
It wouldn't be so.........personal. right?
I juggle.
No, silly, not balls or chainsaws or anything.
Ideas, tasks, emotions, and words. Round and round. They don't change, they just balance eachother.
Some get it.
Some get me.
I can be rewarding, I can actually enrich and fulfill.
But only to those that taste the pudding.
That sounds dirty.
Oh well, let it.
Some will assume anyway.
I was feeling naughty before, that was yesterday.
Most of that's gone because I am more aware now.
Oh, I could conjure it up...think on it, think on him...or her...or both LMAO.
I could make myself snap.
Know how some people in the news blame music lyrics for making people do things?
"Oh, they were listening to Judas Priest before they killed 27 people!"?
I could do that.
I was in a black hole for awhile. And you know what made me feel better? Angrier and psychotic and murderous?
The soundtrack from Natural Born Killers.
I LOVE that CD!
Know all the words.
Twisted, huh?
Love the movie, too.
Aw gee, the water's boiling. Guess I better fix dinner.
Remember, dinner's at 5, lasagna and garlic bread. I'll set a place.
Have a neon sign on my forehead apparently.
It even blinks for those that can see it.
My first entry was about lying.
I remember it well, I remember who it was about, and I remember why.
Things have come along way...for the one that it was written about.
In a perfect world, that wouldn't happen.
In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to defend who I am and what I do.
Proof is in the pudding.
Apparently some are afraid to taste it.
It scares them.
Someone that cares like I do.
Some aren't scared at all.
Thank you for that.
YOU.
Yep.
I am on an Italian food kick.
Last night = chicken cacciatore.
Tonight = lasagna. You're welcome to come. Dinner's at 5.
Tomorrow night = using a couple gift receipts to an Italian eatery. Just me and the husband. For a change.
And I don't want to talk about that.
THAT is making me ill.
And I don't want to talk about them either.
Because that makes me angry. At them and myself.
Going to dinner with friends Saturday.
Something we rarely do, because it's something we rarely have. We've made some friends. And that's nice. For a change.
Two couples. And we don't talk about either.
And then he has nights he does things with friends. Rare...maybe once every 2 months or so.
And I don't.
Because things for me aren't easy. As social as I am...funny, eh?
I thought I had...I know of...well, it would fit on less than one hand.
Maybe less.
I'm thinking about a job.
I'm thinking about it because we're still bailing...especially after Christmas. Made things worse, but we couldn't not do it.
It's.............well..........can't take it with you.
Spend it today, make more tomorrow.
My best friend's dad says that...she's in Alaska, he's in Pennsylvania. Lucky man. I want their weather.
I already have their team. I love the Steelers.
Aren't I nuts?
Husband doesn't want me to feel like I HAVE to work.
It would make things hard...mom's working and can't stay with Shelby.
She could go with her. Maybe make some money herself. Miss Hopi's like her great grandmother...very wise.
In fact, she told Shelby to never get married...instead, keep a man as a pet, that way, if they do something bad, you can just put them outside.
And when I speak sadly of friends...I'm not talking about YOU, because you're different. You are special and I believe in you.
I'm not in it anymore...my heart's not in it.
I'm losing some of myself, the good parts.
Kind of like when husband was gone. I was angry and cold.
I want that.
Seriously.
It made people show respect, they were almost scared of me, because I wasn't afraid to get in their face and tell them exactly what I wanted......and why....and how. I wasn't mean...just...clear.
I don't want anyone scared of me. Just respectful. To believe I'm serious, and straightforward...even if it disturbs. At least it's real.
I was intimidated by someone once...and I still think they are awesome, because they are in your face and straightforward, no holds barred.
yup.
Maybe I need to have less compassion.
It wouldn't be so.........personal. right?
I juggle.
No, silly, not balls or chainsaws or anything.
Ideas, tasks, emotions, and words. Round and round. They don't change, they just balance eachother.
Some get it.
Some get me.
I can be rewarding, I can actually enrich and fulfill.
But only to those that taste the pudding.
That sounds dirty.
Oh well, let it.
Some will assume anyway.
I was feeling naughty before, that was yesterday.
Most of that's gone because I am more aware now.
Oh, I could conjure it up...think on it, think on him...or her...or both LMAO.
I could make myself snap.
Know how some people in the news blame music lyrics for making people do things?
"Oh, they were listening to Judas Priest before they killed 27 people!"?
I could do that.
I was in a black hole for awhile. And you know what made me feel better? Angrier and psychotic and murderous?
The soundtrack from Natural Born Killers.
I LOVE that CD!
Know all the words.
Twisted, huh?
Love the movie, too.
Aw gee, the water's boiling. Guess I better fix dinner.
Remember, dinner's at 5, lasagna and garlic bread. I'll set a place.