(no subject)
It has been eight years. And you can't forget. Forgetting might be too hard, but you can't even forgive. You can't even give me a second chance. I know I messed up. I know I messed you up. Well, I didn't know... until a few weeks ago. This whole time I have been disillusioned... thinking things were one way with us, but they were really a completely other way. I blamed you for a while, but I got over it. You can't though. I know I made things really, really hard for you. I know you were out of your mind for a while. I put all of that aside though. I put my fears and my safety on the line just to reach out to you again. Just to be with you again. You couldn't forgive me.
Everything is all messed up. I'm all messed up. When do things get better?
When do I stop seeing my dead friends every time I close my eyes? Is this any way to be living? Constantly paranoid, constantly scared, constantly feeling so damn low?
I talked to Eric's mom a week ago. I stayed home on a Saturday night because I knew I was going to have a breakdown. I knew I needed to have a breakdown. I saw that Eric's mom had uploaded new pictures... two specific ones of Eric. He looked so freaking handsome. So beautiful. So flawless. I remembered all of the times I sat beside him, in awe of him as he spoke nonstop to me. He told me some of the craziest stories I've ever heard. He lived in a life I knew nothing of and he desperately tried to pull me in, tried to bring me into his world and I resisted because I was scared. Regardless, he was amazing. And his mom has been wonderful to me, a complete stranger. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through, but she takes the time to talk to me and talk me through my own grieving and sadness. She's amazing and I know where Eric got it from. I just don't know why Eric gave that up. Gave everything up. And I never will. I will never understand. I will only miss him. And Nick. And Jordan. And Jimmy. Fuck.
Everything is all messed up. I'm all messed up. When do things get better?
When do I stop seeing my dead friends every time I close my eyes? Is this any way to be living? Constantly paranoid, constantly scared, constantly feeling so damn low?
I talked to Eric's mom a week ago. I stayed home on a Saturday night because I knew I was going to have a breakdown. I knew I needed to have a breakdown. I saw that Eric's mom had uploaded new pictures... two specific ones of Eric. He looked so freaking handsome. So beautiful. So flawless. I remembered all of the times I sat beside him, in awe of him as he spoke nonstop to me. He told me some of the craziest stories I've ever heard. He lived in a life I knew nothing of and he desperately tried to pull me in, tried to bring me into his world and I resisted because I was scared. Regardless, he was amazing. And his mom has been wonderful to me, a complete stranger. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through, but she takes the time to talk to me and talk me through my own grieving and sadness. She's amazing and I know where Eric got it from. I just don't know why Eric gave that up. Gave everything up. And I never will. I will never understand. I will only miss him. And Nick. And Jordan. And Jimmy. Fuck.