"Step into my office"
Last night I had a minor breakdown. I am sick, hormonal, and got overtaken by a wave of depression. It came out of nowhere and knocked me down. It was like everything that has been bothering me in the past few weeks just finally burst out of me in a sea of tears. I was upset because of nothing and everything all at the same time. It was the strangest thing. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and I didn't know what to say, or rather, where to start. It was easiest to just say I was upset with Keith so that was the excuse I used. It was partially true though, I was upset with Keith.
All I wanted last night was to go out and have fun so around eleven pm, I started pouring drinks and convinced myself that the night held some promise.
I ended up going to Kappa Sig. I was there for about 45 minutes and Keith was nowhere to be found. I eventually texted him, despite the fact that I (along with all of my friends) told me to completely ignore him. I started to just dance and have fun with my friends and found that a strange guy was dancing behind me all of the sudden. A little while later in the night, I finally saw Keith. At the same time, I saw my mysterious dance partner. I don't know what came over me, but I grabbed the mystery guy's hand and led him out to the dance floor. We started dancing and kissing right in front of Keith. Things carried on in the same way for about two hours. Mystery guy and I hooked up and Keith just happened to keep walking in on it. Eventually, as I was sitting on the couch with mystery guy, I realized that wasn't where I wanted to be. I mean, I knew that all along, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and grabbed Keith by the hand and led him outside.
I asked him if he was mad at me for hooking up with someone else. He said no, but I knew better. I went off on a huge tangent telling him that I didn't want to be hooking up with the guy, I didn't want to hook up with any guy, except for him. I said I was only hooking up with that guy to make him jealous. I told him up until then, I hadn't hooked up with anyone, but him since school started. He just looked at me blankly and asked me what I wanted him to say. I told him that if he had any feelings for me whatsoever and any plans to date me in the future, then he should tell me to hold out for him. That's all I needed to hear. That I wasn't holding out for him and not hooking up with anyone else for no reason. He told me that when he does decide to get in a relationship again, I'm the one he wants. He just isn't sure when he'll be ready for that again. He said it could be tomorrow or it could be in a few months. His response was enough to keep me attached to his hip for the rest of the night.
About a month ago we made the pact that we wouldn't hook up with someone and then in the same night hook up with eachother. Based on this pact, Keith wouldn't let me kiss him last night. Instead of hooking up, we just cuddled the rest of the night and had our first non-relationship-based conversation in a long time. It was nice just to be able to talk and cuddle and feel comfortable and safe.
We decided to spend the night together and he actually slept in my bed instead of making me come to his room. It was wonderful. We held hands the whole way back and then got in bed and cuddled. After I brushed my teeth and got the mystery guy's taste out of my mouth, Keith let me kiss him. I snuggled into his chest and kissed him goodnight and passed out. I woke up this morning to Keith with his arms wrapped so tightly around me and his head resting gently on top of mine. He woke up pretty much every time I did throughout the night and would rub my back or my head until I fell asleep again. It was the best night I have had in a really long time.
Also, we had the sex talk again last night. I have been feeling guilty because he always wants to hook up and I never give him anything in return. It's been two months and I've yet to do anything, but make out with him pretty much. He assured me that he's not that kind of guy. He said he wants me to be comfortable and when I'm ready to do something, that's fine. Until then, he's happy to just do whatever I want which is so amazing. For a guy who has had sex and is used to having sex as a key component in his life and relationships, he's being very patient with me. It's wonderful and another reason why I feel so freaking comfortable with him.
All I wanted last night was to go out and have fun so around eleven pm, I started pouring drinks and convinced myself that the night held some promise.
I ended up going to Kappa Sig. I was there for about 45 minutes and Keith was nowhere to be found. I eventually texted him, despite the fact that I (along with all of my friends) told me to completely ignore him. I started to just dance and have fun with my friends and found that a strange guy was dancing behind me all of the sudden. A little while later in the night, I finally saw Keith. At the same time, I saw my mysterious dance partner. I don't know what came over me, but I grabbed the mystery guy's hand and led him out to the dance floor. We started dancing and kissing right in front of Keith. Things carried on in the same way for about two hours. Mystery guy and I hooked up and Keith just happened to keep walking in on it. Eventually, as I was sitting on the couch with mystery guy, I realized that wasn't where I wanted to be. I mean, I knew that all along, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I got up and grabbed Keith by the hand and led him outside.
I asked him if he was mad at me for hooking up with someone else. He said no, but I knew better. I went off on a huge tangent telling him that I didn't want to be hooking up with the guy, I didn't want to hook up with any guy, except for him. I said I was only hooking up with that guy to make him jealous. I told him up until then, I hadn't hooked up with anyone, but him since school started. He just looked at me blankly and asked me what I wanted him to say. I told him that if he had any feelings for me whatsoever and any plans to date me in the future, then he should tell me to hold out for him. That's all I needed to hear. That I wasn't holding out for him and not hooking up with anyone else for no reason. He told me that when he does decide to get in a relationship again, I'm the one he wants. He just isn't sure when he'll be ready for that again. He said it could be tomorrow or it could be in a few months. His response was enough to keep me attached to his hip for the rest of the night.
About a month ago we made the pact that we wouldn't hook up with someone and then in the same night hook up with eachother. Based on this pact, Keith wouldn't let me kiss him last night. Instead of hooking up, we just cuddled the rest of the night and had our first non-relationship-based conversation in a long time. It was nice just to be able to talk and cuddle and feel comfortable and safe.
We decided to spend the night together and he actually slept in my bed instead of making me come to his room. It was wonderful. We held hands the whole way back and then got in bed and cuddled. After I brushed my teeth and got the mystery guy's taste out of my mouth, Keith let me kiss him. I snuggled into his chest and kissed him goodnight and passed out. I woke up this morning to Keith with his arms wrapped so tightly around me and his head resting gently on top of mine. He woke up pretty much every time I did throughout the night and would rub my back or my head until I fell asleep again. It was the best night I have had in a really long time.
Also, we had the sex talk again last night. I have been feeling guilty because he always wants to hook up and I never give him anything in return. It's been two months and I've yet to do anything, but make out with him pretty much. He assured me that he's not that kind of guy. He said he wants me to be comfortable and when I'm ready to do something, that's fine. Until then, he's happy to just do whatever I want which is so amazing. For a guy who has had sex and is used to having sex as a key component in his life and relationships, he's being very patient with me. It's wonderful and another reason why I feel so freaking comfortable with him.