(no subject)
Well, I may have just lost Graham as a friend for good.
Unintentionally.
I've never been someone to say things to intentionally hurt someone else's feelings.
What I have said and done this past week is inexcusable, but forgivable. If Graham just felt that I was worth accepting an apology.
I have no idea what the hell happened to me this past week.
I lost it, quite simply. Out of control emotionally.
I couldn't tell if I was sad, angry, happy, whatever.
The end result is in reply to a message from Graham (which to be honest, hurt me pretty badly), I said some rather cruel things that are not entirely true, nor entirely what he deserved to hear back.
I was upset because he basically never told me about having to leave to go to Massachusetts, or that he is planning to leave the country for a little bit.
I'm not his girlfriend.
Fuck me, I'm barely even an aquaintance anymore, at least that's how it feels.
But if he really does care about me like he has always said, why would he not tell me something as crucial as the fact that he is leaving?
I just think about all the times we have been together, and the laughs and smiles....and can't somehow not picture that I'm the cause of some of his happiness in those rare moments.
Am I really such a trivial person that I bring no joy to his life?
Am I simply there to entertain him when he has nothing better to do?
Where do I stand in his esteem?
These questions are bugging the hell out of me. I wish I had the answers.
The only thing that comes to mind is that I'm a fucking idiot.
Because I read these fucking romance novels...and he's just like the hero.
He's my hero.
And he's also completely pissed off at me right now.
I mean, granted, not everything is perfect between us.
In fact, we are extremely not anywhere near the perfect romance.
For example, we don't see each other very often.
When we do, and something physical results, it has not led to...completion?
It's just that circumstances have not been kind to our relationship with one another.
It's like a baby plant trying to break through the soil, but not strong enough to get there yet.
It needs nurturing.
And right now, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who wants to invest time and effort to see where it goes.
It absolutely eats away at me that this is the situation between us.
Because he is that person.
He's the one for me.
I have no idea what it is about him, and even though his personality is different from when I first met him (in fairness, I'm a much different person too), it is still his presence I want in my life the most.
And I've tried to tell him this, but I'm absolutely awful with words.
How do you tell someone you love them, without nailing the exact reasons why yourself?
There are probably a million reasons why a relationship will never work, or why we are meant to be, etc.
There's always a pessimistic side to romance, isn't there?
All I know, is that the thought of him with any other girl makes me see red.
I want him for my own.
Is that too crazy to believe? That if he just gave me the opportunity, he would have someone there for him that wants to dedicate 100%?
He's the absolute, honest to God, right person for me.
For the rest of my life.
And the timing is all wrong.
It makes my throat close up and tears rise to the surface.
But what am I to do?
It just feels like the less we talk/the less I see him, etc....the more time I have to think...and the more I realize that I just want him to be okay with letting me be in love with him?
And God help me, I wish he loved me back.
Even if it takes the next two years.
I would wait for him. For however long it took.
Unintentionally.
I've never been someone to say things to intentionally hurt someone else's feelings.
What I have said and done this past week is inexcusable, but forgivable. If Graham just felt that I was worth accepting an apology.
I have no idea what the hell happened to me this past week.
I lost it, quite simply. Out of control emotionally.
I couldn't tell if I was sad, angry, happy, whatever.
The end result is in reply to a message from Graham (which to be honest, hurt me pretty badly), I said some rather cruel things that are not entirely true, nor entirely what he deserved to hear back.
I was upset because he basically never told me about having to leave to go to Massachusetts, or that he is planning to leave the country for a little bit.
I'm not his girlfriend.
Fuck me, I'm barely even an aquaintance anymore, at least that's how it feels.
But if he really does care about me like he has always said, why would he not tell me something as crucial as the fact that he is leaving?
I just think about all the times we have been together, and the laughs and smiles....and can't somehow not picture that I'm the cause of some of his happiness in those rare moments.
Am I really such a trivial person that I bring no joy to his life?
Am I simply there to entertain him when he has nothing better to do?
Where do I stand in his esteem?
These questions are bugging the hell out of me. I wish I had the answers.
The only thing that comes to mind is that I'm a fucking idiot.
Because I read these fucking romance novels...and he's just like the hero.
He's my hero.
And he's also completely pissed off at me right now.
I mean, granted, not everything is perfect between us.
In fact, we are extremely not anywhere near the perfect romance.
For example, we don't see each other very often.
When we do, and something physical results, it has not led to...completion?
It's just that circumstances have not been kind to our relationship with one another.
It's like a baby plant trying to break through the soil, but not strong enough to get there yet.
It needs nurturing.
And right now, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who wants to invest time and effort to see where it goes.
It absolutely eats away at me that this is the situation between us.
Because he is that person.
He's the one for me.
I have no idea what it is about him, and even though his personality is different from when I first met him (in fairness, I'm a much different person too), it is still his presence I want in my life the most.
And I've tried to tell him this, but I'm absolutely awful with words.
How do you tell someone you love them, without nailing the exact reasons why yourself?
There are probably a million reasons why a relationship will never work, or why we are meant to be, etc.
There's always a pessimistic side to romance, isn't there?
All I know, is that the thought of him with any other girl makes me see red.
I want him for my own.
Is that too crazy to believe? That if he just gave me the opportunity, he would have someone there for him that wants to dedicate 100%?
He's the absolute, honest to God, right person for me.
For the rest of my life.
And the timing is all wrong.
It makes my throat close up and tears rise to the surface.
But what am I to do?
It just feels like the less we talk/the less I see him, etc....the more time I have to think...and the more I realize that I just want him to be okay with letting me be in love with him?
And God help me, I wish he loved me back.
Even if it takes the next two years.
I would wait for him. For however long it took.