No more floods!
I'm feeling much more optimistic today, so I decided to write about it. I don't normally feel this way (or at least I haven't lately), so I think it's important to document how and why.
I had a dream two nights ago that I was in a strange city, near the ocean, and a tsunami had completely flooded the area and trapped me in an enormous restaurant with Tim (and his family, though they were not always close by us). The walls of this restaurant were about 50 feet tall and made entirely of glass, so we could see that the building was entirely submerged and we only had so much air left until the water level went back down. People were dying and panicking around us, and I had never felt so terrified in my life. I kept trying to call my family to find out if they were all right, but couldn't get through. Tim's family kept saying "Well at least you're with us," but it didn't make me feel any safer or happier. I just wanted to be with my family. I was marginally comforted by the fact that Tim was with me, and that if we died we'd die together (WOW this was a heavy dream), but I just wanted to be with my parents and know that they were out of harm's way wherever they were.
I looked up some meanings the next day in an online dream dictionary to try to figure out what that all meant. It seems like the most popular opinion is that floods or tsunamis in dreams are not necessarily the important part--it's the way that you reacted to them in the dream. Most often, people who dream of these things feel overwhelmed and hopeless about some aspects of their lives--or possibly their life, in general. I didn't know exactly how overwhelmed and helpless I felt until I paid attention to this dream.
Taking some cues from my subconscious, I've decided that I need to take more control over my life. I need to make choices to move in ANY given direction and stop wondering if they'll be wrong choices. I need to better myself, even if it's in small steps, and not just give in to the overwhelming, sinking, sad, "helpless" feeling. I am in control of my own life, and if I am this unhappy then I need to make some changes and stop staying still just because I am scared of what might happen or what someone else might think about my decisions.
We were all laughing and joking about moving to Vancouver during the election, when it looked like Mitt Romney was doing well, but while we were researching I thought "I know it would be scary, but it's actually totally possible to move abroad right now." Dana had mentioned spending time abroad, and I didn't take the suggestion seriously at first because I thought "how could I do that? I don't have anything to do anywhere else," but I DO--I could! It's not that ridiculous, when you really look and plan and see that jobs and apartments and universities are actually everywhere. I'm just not sure if I have the courage to go by myself. I've got such a strong safety net here, and I don't know what I'd do if I was suddenly thousands of miles away from it.
But honestly, I don't have much holding me back. I SHOULD be looking at opportunities in Canada and London, in San Francisco and Chicago and really anywhere. And in the meantime, if I hate my job so much, I don't see the shame in taking a really crappy "nothing" job in order to take time for myself. I've been so worried about living up to others' expectations of my future "job," because everyone seems to have this idea that I need to be working in some office environment somewhere making $40,000 a year and figuring my life out at the same time--but I don't want to work in an office, any office, ever, really, so I don't think that's the answer for me. I think I need a job that will let me take some mental time off, not just actual time off, to figure out what I really want. I felt really badly about myself for wanting that because it felt like "giving up," but it only feels like "giving up" by other peoples' standards--not my own. I would not feel that way. I think I would feel relief. I think I would feel calmer, and I wouldn't feel so chained down to any specific path, which is exactly what I need, so that I can explore all of my paths.
As soon as I made the decision to start looking for that kind of job, I felt happier--even if it means that when I find that job, life will be monetarily tighter. I will be mentally and physically healthier, I think. It might be hard in a different way, but I have done that too and I know that I can do it.
I had a dream two nights ago that I was in a strange city, near the ocean, and a tsunami had completely flooded the area and trapped me in an enormous restaurant with Tim (and his family, though they were not always close by us). The walls of this restaurant were about 50 feet tall and made entirely of glass, so we could see that the building was entirely submerged and we only had so much air left until the water level went back down. People were dying and panicking around us, and I had never felt so terrified in my life. I kept trying to call my family to find out if they were all right, but couldn't get through. Tim's family kept saying "Well at least you're with us," but it didn't make me feel any safer or happier. I just wanted to be with my family. I was marginally comforted by the fact that Tim was with me, and that if we died we'd die together (WOW this was a heavy dream), but I just wanted to be with my parents and know that they were out of harm's way wherever they were.
I looked up some meanings the next day in an online dream dictionary to try to figure out what that all meant. It seems like the most popular opinion is that floods or tsunamis in dreams are not necessarily the important part--it's the way that you reacted to them in the dream. Most often, people who dream of these things feel overwhelmed and hopeless about some aspects of their lives--or possibly their life, in general. I didn't know exactly how overwhelmed and helpless I felt until I paid attention to this dream.
Taking some cues from my subconscious, I've decided that I need to take more control over my life. I need to make choices to move in ANY given direction and stop wondering if they'll be wrong choices. I need to better myself, even if it's in small steps, and not just give in to the overwhelming, sinking, sad, "helpless" feeling. I am in control of my own life, and if I am this unhappy then I need to make some changes and stop staying still just because I am scared of what might happen or what someone else might think about my decisions.
We were all laughing and joking about moving to Vancouver during the election, when it looked like Mitt Romney was doing well, but while we were researching I thought "I know it would be scary, but it's actually totally possible to move abroad right now." Dana had mentioned spending time abroad, and I didn't take the suggestion seriously at first because I thought "how could I do that? I don't have anything to do anywhere else," but I DO--I could! It's not that ridiculous, when you really look and plan and see that jobs and apartments and universities are actually everywhere. I'm just not sure if I have the courage to go by myself. I've got such a strong safety net here, and I don't know what I'd do if I was suddenly thousands of miles away from it.
But honestly, I don't have much holding me back. I SHOULD be looking at opportunities in Canada and London, in San Francisco and Chicago and really anywhere. And in the meantime, if I hate my job so much, I don't see the shame in taking a really crappy "nothing" job in order to take time for myself. I've been so worried about living up to others' expectations of my future "job," because everyone seems to have this idea that I need to be working in some office environment somewhere making $40,000 a year and figuring my life out at the same time--but I don't want to work in an office, any office, ever, really, so I don't think that's the answer for me. I think I need a job that will let me take some mental time off, not just actual time off, to figure out what I really want. I felt really badly about myself for wanting that because it felt like "giving up," but it only feels like "giving up" by other peoples' standards--not my own. I would not feel that way. I think I would feel relief. I think I would feel calmer, and I wouldn't feel so chained down to any specific path, which is exactly what I need, so that I can explore all of my paths.
As soon as I made the decision to start looking for that kind of job, I felt happier--even if it means that when I find that job, life will be monetarily tighter. I will be mentally and physically healthier, I think. It might be hard in a different way, but I have done that too and I know that I can do it.