Stop spinning, brain!!
Some quick notes before bed, to try and clear my head from stress and worry.
1. Searching online for new jobs before bed is a terrible idea. It only makes the week ahead look worse and more desolate. And causes insomnia.
2. I cannot stay at this job much longer without signing myself up for some serious therapy. It is Sunday night, and the thought of going into that horrible, miserable office is making me break out in hives. That feels like an absolutely ridiculous over-reaction. I feel like a weakling for reacting that way, like a nervous nothing. I feel like I'm trapped and wasting my time, stuck in that position for the majority of my week, and I feel this constant weight and stress and anxiety.
3. I can't stop thinking about how nice it would be to take a crappy, part-time job while I try to figure things out--but I can't bring myself to do it because I'm worried that I won't be able to pull my own weight. I'd have so much more to worry about--making rent, having insurance, paying my loans, buying food.... Tim and I are living together and are at such a serious point in our relationship. I am part of an "us," and "we" depend on each other, which brings me to my next point that
4. I am stressing about having to make my decisions based on both of our lives instead of just mine. Part of me feels like I'm too young to be making any serious compromises, but the other part of me knows that if I ever left this relationship to pursue any other place/job/whatever I would regret it for the rest of my life. He is my soul mate and best friend. He is special to me in every way. Yes, I think a lot about uprooting my life and moving to someplace completely different to try to find the answers. But I know that he has to stay here, at least for the next couple of years for grad school--and is it such a terrible compromise to wait two years to go somewhere? I don't even know what I want yet, so why rush? Why stress about that decision now, when there isn't anywhere to go? No pressing need? And yet, I feel so strange because I'm tied to this person, and what we each do affects the other in such important ways. It's actually been a really nice feeling up until now, and now it feels terrifying. I'm not sure what changed.
5. Another development that's been keeping me awake at night is my wandering eye. I know that it's perfectly normal in long-term relationships to find other people attractive, to fantasize about other people and all that, but lately I have been out of control. I have not had any emotional connection to anyone other than Tim, but I have been seriously lusting after people that I meet day-to-day. There are some opera singers (who are honestly very nice but a little vapid) coming in and out of our office, and they are absolutely gorgeous and I can't help drooling over them. The excitement of doing something "wrong" keeps popping into my head. I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, and I know that doing so would only bring me a momentary excitement, but I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to fuck them so badly, and that's really all I'd be after. I know myself, and I know that I'd never act on these thoughts, but the fact that these thoughts keep coming is worrying me. What if I'm not strong enough?
Woof.
1. Searching online for new jobs before bed is a terrible idea. It only makes the week ahead look worse and more desolate. And causes insomnia.
2. I cannot stay at this job much longer without signing myself up for some serious therapy. It is Sunday night, and the thought of going into that horrible, miserable office is making me break out in hives. That feels like an absolutely ridiculous over-reaction. I feel like a weakling for reacting that way, like a nervous nothing. I feel like I'm trapped and wasting my time, stuck in that position for the majority of my week, and I feel this constant weight and stress and anxiety.
3. I can't stop thinking about how nice it would be to take a crappy, part-time job while I try to figure things out--but I can't bring myself to do it because I'm worried that I won't be able to pull my own weight. I'd have so much more to worry about--making rent, having insurance, paying my loans, buying food.... Tim and I are living together and are at such a serious point in our relationship. I am part of an "us," and "we" depend on each other, which brings me to my next point that
4. I am stressing about having to make my decisions based on both of our lives instead of just mine. Part of me feels like I'm too young to be making any serious compromises, but the other part of me knows that if I ever left this relationship to pursue any other place/job/whatever I would regret it for the rest of my life. He is my soul mate and best friend. He is special to me in every way. Yes, I think a lot about uprooting my life and moving to someplace completely different to try to find the answers. But I know that he has to stay here, at least for the next couple of years for grad school--and is it such a terrible compromise to wait two years to go somewhere? I don't even know what I want yet, so why rush? Why stress about that decision now, when there isn't anywhere to go? No pressing need? And yet, I feel so strange because I'm tied to this person, and what we each do affects the other in such important ways. It's actually been a really nice feeling up until now, and now it feels terrifying. I'm not sure what changed.
5. Another development that's been keeping me awake at night is my wandering eye. I know that it's perfectly normal in long-term relationships to find other people attractive, to fantasize about other people and all that, but lately I have been out of control. I have not had any emotional connection to anyone other than Tim, but I have been seriously lusting after people that I meet day-to-day. There are some opera singers (who are honestly very nice but a little vapid) coming in and out of our office, and they are absolutely gorgeous and I can't help drooling over them. The excitement of doing something "wrong" keeps popping into my head. I've never cheated on anyone in my entire life, and I know that doing so would only bring me a momentary excitement, but I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to fuck them so badly, and that's really all I'd be after. I know myself, and I know that I'd never act on these thoughts, but the fact that these thoughts keep coming is worrying me. What if I'm not strong enough?
Woof.