Blazing saddles.
Well, I'm at work. Today, I'm being paid to screen movies all day, which is awesome. I'm in the projection booth right now as a matter of fact, and "Blazing Saddles" is playing. Though this movie is clearly a work of comic genius, I thought I would take this time to reconnect. With what? With myself, I guess. It's been a long time since I've done that, and I feel like I have to take stock of what I'm doing and where I'm at--for my sake, more than for yours. I say "yours" like people actually read this, or have ever read this previously.
I don't know. Just humor me.
Working full time for a large-scale, up-and-coming theater company is both a blessing and a curse at this point in my life. On the one hand, I don't have to worry about my health insurance, dental, life insurance, or even really paying my rent and utilities. All of those things are taken care of comfortably (money is certainly tight, but a comfy kind of tight). I am guaranteed 40 hours a week, sometimes more but never less. I work with people who make me laugh and smile, even on days where absolutely everything we've been working towards seems like it's going to hell, and days where our clients, students, or even our bosses would rather punch us in the eye than have any kind of conversation with us. We all have a sense of humor, and a sense of camaraderie to get us through the shitty days. And this is a company that I have high hopes for. Some days, I even feel like I care what happens to it--but mostly I care what happens to the college, and to the students and faculty that are affected by what we do. I partly want this company to do well because I'm excited about the work we're producing and supporting, but I also really want this college and these people that I've cared about for so long to get something out of it.
And it's nice, because I feel pro-active about all of the above. I'm joining two "task forces" in order to improve our working relationships and actually have FUN with what we do, and to improve student focus and student involvement with what we do. I like that I can work towards bettering these things. I feel GOOD about being able to help, or at the very least to be able to give my input as a 23 year-old, entry level employee. I think that's important, and I'm just now realizing how lucky I am to be able to do that. That won't happen for many other people working in other environments.
On the other hand, while all of this seems great, I'm STILL working all the time. Every once in a while I find time for dinner, lunch, coffee, brunch, ice cream, whatever, with friends...but most of the time, I come home exhausted, and I have just about enough time to eat, watch an episode of something, and then go to bed. Part of my problem is just laziness, but I need to keep in mind that sometimes friendships take work. Maybe "work" is the wrong word. What I mean is that I just need to stop being anti-social. In college, I spent every minute that I WASN'T in class being social, and I think I've just burnt myself out from that and have gone too far in the opposite direction. I also spend every other moment of my time with Boyfriend. I've always struggled with this, but I'm still at that point where I'm SO excited about Tim that I can't imagine going more than two or three nights without seeing him. I try so hard to not be the girl who ignores her friends in order to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend, but it's hard when falling asleep next to him feels so good, and so perfect. It's been seven months of the best relationship of my life. I'm a kid in a candy store, and nobody's around so I eat ALL the candy ALL the time, and I haven't felt sick to my stomach yet so I just keep on doing it.
But I digress, I was talking about WORK. I need to practice balancing that other stuff, but this is my other concern: The downside, aside from not having any time for a real honest-to-goodness social life, is that I'm not sure that I want to be doing this. I'm good at it, but I don't feel fulfilled by it. At least not yet. Am I supposed to? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by my job? I guess my big burning question is, "How is one supposed to achieve fulfillment?" I guess I've always assumed that what we "do," our career, is what does or does not give us fulfillment. But now that I'm really thinking about it, I've always felt the most fulfilled when I'm with people I love. Doing anything. Or nothing. I feel the most fulfilled when I come home to see Brian and Julie, and we do things like light the menorah together and make stupid videos about flamingos and laugh like idiots at ourselves. And I feel the most fulfilled when I wake up in the middle of the night and Tim is there with his arm around me, and I can hear the quiet noises outside his window and I can smell the laundry detergent on his sheets. And I feel the most fulfilled when Cori calls me about teenager things, and I can make her laugh when she's feeling upset and tell her that it'll be ok.
I don't feel fulfilled by work, I feel fulfilled by all of that. So does it matter at all what I pursue? Does it matter if I pursue props, or arts management so that I can make a little more money and feel more secure, or art therapy so that I feel like I'm "making a difference?" Does it matter what I do, so long as I'm working for an organization that I feel good supporting, like the one I'm at? Seriously, I'm asking. I've never had this problem before, because I've always thought that focusing on furthering my career (in whatever direction it was headed at the time) was what would eventually make me feel good about myself and about my life...but maybe that's not what's important? Yes, I want to be successful at whatever it is that I do. I'm just not sure that what I "do" is what's going to make me happy. Or rather, happy in the sense that I will feel fulfilled. I think those are two different things. Right? Those are definitely two different things. Because I think I'm happy here, but I'm definitely not fulfilled here. What does this meannnnnn????
I don't know. Just humor me.
Working full time for a large-scale, up-and-coming theater company is both a blessing and a curse at this point in my life. On the one hand, I don't have to worry about my health insurance, dental, life insurance, or even really paying my rent and utilities. All of those things are taken care of comfortably (money is certainly tight, but a comfy kind of tight). I am guaranteed 40 hours a week, sometimes more but never less. I work with people who make me laugh and smile, even on days where absolutely everything we've been working towards seems like it's going to hell, and days where our clients, students, or even our bosses would rather punch us in the eye than have any kind of conversation with us. We all have a sense of humor, and a sense of camaraderie to get us through the shitty days. And this is a company that I have high hopes for. Some days, I even feel like I care what happens to it--but mostly I care what happens to the college, and to the students and faculty that are affected by what we do. I partly want this company to do well because I'm excited about the work we're producing and supporting, but I also really want this college and these people that I've cared about for so long to get something out of it.
And it's nice, because I feel pro-active about all of the above. I'm joining two "task forces" in order to improve our working relationships and actually have FUN with what we do, and to improve student focus and student involvement with what we do. I like that I can work towards bettering these things. I feel GOOD about being able to help, or at the very least to be able to give my input as a 23 year-old, entry level employee. I think that's important, and I'm just now realizing how lucky I am to be able to do that. That won't happen for many other people working in other environments.
On the other hand, while all of this seems great, I'm STILL working all the time. Every once in a while I find time for dinner, lunch, coffee, brunch, ice cream, whatever, with friends...but most of the time, I come home exhausted, and I have just about enough time to eat, watch an episode of something, and then go to bed. Part of my problem is just laziness, but I need to keep in mind that sometimes friendships take work. Maybe "work" is the wrong word. What I mean is that I just need to stop being anti-social. In college, I spent every minute that I WASN'T in class being social, and I think I've just burnt myself out from that and have gone too far in the opposite direction. I also spend every other moment of my time with Boyfriend. I've always struggled with this, but I'm still at that point where I'm SO excited about Tim that I can't imagine going more than two or three nights without seeing him. I try so hard to not be the girl who ignores her friends in order to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend, but it's hard when falling asleep next to him feels so good, and so perfect. It's been seven months of the best relationship of my life. I'm a kid in a candy store, and nobody's around so I eat ALL the candy ALL the time, and I haven't felt sick to my stomach yet so I just keep on doing it.
But I digress, I was talking about WORK. I need to practice balancing that other stuff, but this is my other concern: The downside, aside from not having any time for a real honest-to-goodness social life, is that I'm not sure that I want to be doing this. I'm good at it, but I don't feel fulfilled by it. At least not yet. Am I supposed to? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by my job? I guess my big burning question is, "How is one supposed to achieve fulfillment?" I guess I've always assumed that what we "do," our career, is what does or does not give us fulfillment. But now that I'm really thinking about it, I've always felt the most fulfilled when I'm with people I love. Doing anything. Or nothing. I feel the most fulfilled when I come home to see Brian and Julie, and we do things like light the menorah together and make stupid videos about flamingos and laugh like idiots at ourselves. And I feel the most fulfilled when I wake up in the middle of the night and Tim is there with his arm around me, and I can hear the quiet noises outside his window and I can smell the laundry detergent on his sheets. And I feel the most fulfilled when Cori calls me about teenager things, and I can make her laugh when she's feeling upset and tell her that it'll be ok.
I don't feel fulfilled by work, I feel fulfilled by all of that. So does it matter at all what I pursue? Does it matter if I pursue props, or arts management so that I can make a little more money and feel more secure, or art therapy so that I feel like I'm "making a difference?" Does it matter what I do, so long as I'm working for an organization that I feel good supporting, like the one I'm at? Seriously, I'm asking. I've never had this problem before, because I've always thought that focusing on furthering my career (in whatever direction it was headed at the time) was what would eventually make me feel good about myself and about my life...but maybe that's not what's important? Yes, I want to be successful at whatever it is that I do. I'm just not sure that what I "do" is what's going to make me happy. Or rather, happy in the sense that I will feel fulfilled. I think those are two different things. Right? Those are definitely two different things. Because I think I'm happy here, but I'm definitely not fulfilled here. What does this meannnnnn????