So Whats and What Ifs?
~ Seems like all my life, I’ve been waiting for the day to come,
where you’d turn to me and say just once, I’ve been wrong ~
I’m tired of wondering “what if”… not in the sense that I dream away my life, but that I second guess… everything. “What if” these feelings aren’t real? “What if” this is all about something else twisted inside of me? “What if” I’m just fucked up?
Returning from my trip away my fellow virgo housemate said “wait a few months, see how you feel then”. I’ve been living by that oh so typical policy for most of my life. What if I’d said how I felt at the time, rather than let my heart rip out on the theory that maybe in a few months things would be different? What if, instead of undermining my feelings with aspiration in the moment… what if, I gave myself a break now and then?
What if I start answering the what ifs with so what? Your feelings change, so what? Doesn’t mean they weren’t real to begin with. For all about my talk for living in the moment, I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for the future to come. For all the moments in adventure that I’ve said “stuff it, lets do it!” and lived to love it, I’ve backed away from that approach in my personal life. What if I had stood at the top of a snowy mountain top and said “no, I’m not going to ride down the deadliest road in the world just in case I feel differently later”? What if I had said hiking 4 days at high altitude was too hard? Imagine the joy I’d have missed. I sit here now with the confidence of “I can climb mountains” but without the confidence that comes with putting the same faith into a relationship.
These are the moments that define us, in adventure and in life. I’m not suggesting we should all live life on the edge, but that in that moment, in that crucial time where you have the chance to change everything, what if you went with your gut instinct? So what, feelings change, people change - is it better to live life on the sidelines just in case the inevitable happens anyway? To that I say no. Change is inevitable, and it might well be change for the better, and where you can change together for the better, it’s all the more amazing.
Every now and then we all seem to want assurances, confidence in the future, a sense of permanency. Maybe I do want confidence in the future, but not the kind of confidence that comes with waiting years “just in case” my feelings change and much to my shock, discovering that they didn’t, haven’t, and I’m not sure if and when they will. I want the kind of confidence in my future with knowing that where there’s an opportunity and everything inside me says “yes”, and heck, even if half of me says “yes” that I’m prepared to take it with caution in the wind.
Because even if it doesn’t last, it may end up being one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.
where you’d turn to me and say just once, I’ve been wrong ~
I’m tired of wondering “what if”… not in the sense that I dream away my life, but that I second guess… everything. “What if” these feelings aren’t real? “What if” this is all about something else twisted inside of me? “What if” I’m just fucked up?
Returning from my trip away my fellow virgo housemate said “wait a few months, see how you feel then”. I’ve been living by that oh so typical policy for most of my life. What if I’d said how I felt at the time, rather than let my heart rip out on the theory that maybe in a few months things would be different? What if, instead of undermining my feelings with aspiration in the moment… what if, I gave myself a break now and then?
What if I start answering the what ifs with so what? Your feelings change, so what? Doesn’t mean they weren’t real to begin with. For all about my talk for living in the moment, I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for the future to come. For all the moments in adventure that I’ve said “stuff it, lets do it!” and lived to love it, I’ve backed away from that approach in my personal life. What if I had stood at the top of a snowy mountain top and said “no, I’m not going to ride down the deadliest road in the world just in case I feel differently later”? What if I had said hiking 4 days at high altitude was too hard? Imagine the joy I’d have missed. I sit here now with the confidence of “I can climb mountains” but without the confidence that comes with putting the same faith into a relationship.
These are the moments that define us, in adventure and in life. I’m not suggesting we should all live life on the edge, but that in that moment, in that crucial time where you have the chance to change everything, what if you went with your gut instinct? So what, feelings change, people change - is it better to live life on the sidelines just in case the inevitable happens anyway? To that I say no. Change is inevitable, and it might well be change for the better, and where you can change together for the better, it’s all the more amazing.
Every now and then we all seem to want assurances, confidence in the future, a sense of permanency. Maybe I do want confidence in the future, but not the kind of confidence that comes with waiting years “just in case” my feelings change and much to my shock, discovering that they didn’t, haven’t, and I’m not sure if and when they will. I want the kind of confidence in my future with knowing that where there’s an opportunity and everything inside me says “yes”, and heck, even if half of me says “yes” that I’m prepared to take it with caution in the wind.
Because even if it doesn’t last, it may end up being one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.