Spark it up and numb me on and off again
You wanted to change the sheets before I returned, a kind thought but one that I'm grateful wasn't followed up on. As I lay here still in the faintly sweet smell that was our sleeping space I'm left torn in my expression. Where this place was once my sanctitude for moments like this I now find myself in conflict as the webs we weaved have knitted in on themselves and I am again left at a loss.
A loss for words, a loss for thought, and a loss of you that has finally hit tonight. Sitting across from you was hard, just seeing you, your wide almond eyes and your hair bouncy, I knew it was recently washed, sitting there was enough to jolt me as I scrambled to find a conversation where I'd remain empowered rather than crumble into the place dissolving inside. I expected this time was coming, but I didn't know it, I didn't prepare for it, and despite my gut feeling on the subject, I wiltered into a feeling person.
My outer shell crumbled and you saw my shameless tears stream forth as the words I spoke contradicted the pain so obviously displayed across my face. I'm sure you thought it best to tell me direct, rather than an email or an sms or some other heartless method, but perhaps that would have been the more humane medium. A communication measure where I could spend the low time in my own privacy and quiet screaming so I could maintain my safe distance upon meeting your gaze, or brushing your hand, or tracing the outline of your lips with my defensive eyes.
But this is the path that we agreed to, this is the path that I steered us to with my ignorant heart, and this is the place I will need to learn to exist in to reach where we hoped we'd get to.
Please understand in the meanwhile, I'm three months behind the place you've reached, and I don't know when (if) I'll ever catch up.
A loss for words, a loss for thought, and a loss of you that has finally hit tonight. Sitting across from you was hard, just seeing you, your wide almond eyes and your hair bouncy, I knew it was recently washed, sitting there was enough to jolt me as I scrambled to find a conversation where I'd remain empowered rather than crumble into the place dissolving inside. I expected this time was coming, but I didn't know it, I didn't prepare for it, and despite my gut feeling on the subject, I wiltered into a feeling person.
My outer shell crumbled and you saw my shameless tears stream forth as the words I spoke contradicted the pain so obviously displayed across my face. I'm sure you thought it best to tell me direct, rather than an email or an sms or some other heartless method, but perhaps that would have been the more humane medium. A communication measure where I could spend the low time in my own privacy and quiet screaming so I could maintain my safe distance upon meeting your gaze, or brushing your hand, or tracing the outline of your lips with my defensive eyes.
But this is the path that we agreed to, this is the path that I steered us to with my ignorant heart, and this is the place I will need to learn to exist in to reach where we hoped we'd get to.
Please understand in the meanwhile, I'm three months behind the place you've reached, and I don't know when (if) I'll ever catch up.