I'm way out of my element.
With my internet down and the way work has been going, I've not had the urge or time to update this thing. Everyday, I wake up at 6am and work from 8 - 4. I come home, eat dinner, watch TV and read before going to sleep. Repeat. On the weekends, I go and see the friends and the boyfriend I used to miss so much.
In high school, I was constantly evaluating the kind of friends I had and how much I could trust them to be there for me if I was ever upset or in trouble. But since coming to university, I've never once questioned the kind of friends I have and the amount of support I'd get from them if I was ever in need. Last winter when everyday felt like the end of the world to me, I knew I was still better off because of this second family I had. As far as I'm concerned, until going to university, I've never once felt this close with any group of people.
Despite how much I hate bringing this up again, what happened two Saturdays ago has really changed how I perceive myself and the role I play in my group of friends. I thought during this past year I had finally began to gain control over the person I am, learning to like myself and become truly confident. Having good friends gave me the self-confidence, the support and the belief that no matter how much I fuck up I'd always have the people I love around me. But what happened two weekends ago has made me re-evaluate everything about me and my friends. Loyalty is unbelievably important to me. Perhaps more important than anything else in friendship. But now I feel as if the person I am makes it incredibly difficult for people to remain loyal to. Maybe it's my abrasive personality, or my incredibly stupid side that comes out at the worst times. I really don't know. I just don't feel like myself. Eric says I've become oversensitive and insecure since last Saturday. He's probably right. All I know now is that I just don't feel secure with myself and my friends. And as a result, anything and everything people say to me becomes life and death. A joke becomes an insult, laughter becomes ridicule, a glance becomes a glare, and careless comments become declarations of immense dislike. I'm acutely aware of every joke or comment that comes my way and it's not hard to figure out that I am the idiot in my group of friends. The goofball. The ditz. The gullible one. Everytime I say something, all I can hear them thinking about is "Oh, what a Cindy thing to say" or "Oh, Cindy. You're so silly". I don't want to be that person. I used to think that it was only through alcohol that I became such an idiot. But I know different. I barely drank anything this past weekend, but I still felt persecuted as the stupid one the entire time. Maybe I'm losing my mind and things will eventually blow over. But I told Alastair about what happened last weekend and how I've been feeling since then, and he felt exactly the same as I did. The dog cage wasn't funny, and it grew less funny the longer it went on. The thing I can't get over is that I felt bad for getting upset about it, like I had no right to be upset and that I was just being a party pooper on everyone else's good time. What's even more upsetting was that everyone seemed surprised when they found out I was hurt by it. I would have thought it'd be pretty obvious why it was a shit thing to do. I'm not trying to bring this whole issue back again. But I can't help it if it's still on my mind. Although I don't think I'm upset about it anymore, I feel extremely isolated from everyone. It didn't help that Cajun still kept on bringing it up this weekend. At the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone. And frankly, I doubt it'll make much of a difference anyway. As far as I'm concerned, Eric and my friends get along better when 1) I'm not there or 2)They have me to make fun of.
I feel so fucking stupid. Don't even bother commenting.
In high school, I was constantly evaluating the kind of friends I had and how much I could trust them to be there for me if I was ever upset or in trouble. But since coming to university, I've never once questioned the kind of friends I have and the amount of support I'd get from them if I was ever in need. Last winter when everyday felt like the end of the world to me, I knew I was still better off because of this second family I had. As far as I'm concerned, until going to university, I've never once felt this close with any group of people.
Despite how much I hate bringing this up again, what happened two Saturdays ago has really changed how I perceive myself and the role I play in my group of friends. I thought during this past year I had finally began to gain control over the person I am, learning to like myself and become truly confident. Having good friends gave me the self-confidence, the support and the belief that no matter how much I fuck up I'd always have the people I love around me. But what happened two weekends ago has made me re-evaluate everything about me and my friends. Loyalty is unbelievably important to me. Perhaps more important than anything else in friendship. But now I feel as if the person I am makes it incredibly difficult for people to remain loyal to. Maybe it's my abrasive personality, or my incredibly stupid side that comes out at the worst times. I really don't know. I just don't feel like myself. Eric says I've become oversensitive and insecure since last Saturday. He's probably right. All I know now is that I just don't feel secure with myself and my friends. And as a result, anything and everything people say to me becomes life and death. A joke becomes an insult, laughter becomes ridicule, a glance becomes a glare, and careless comments become declarations of immense dislike. I'm acutely aware of every joke or comment that comes my way and it's not hard to figure out that I am the idiot in my group of friends. The goofball. The ditz. The gullible one. Everytime I say something, all I can hear them thinking about is "Oh, what a Cindy thing to say" or "Oh, Cindy. You're so silly". I don't want to be that person. I used to think that it was only through alcohol that I became such an idiot. But I know different. I barely drank anything this past weekend, but I still felt persecuted as the stupid one the entire time. Maybe I'm losing my mind and things will eventually blow over. But I told Alastair about what happened last weekend and how I've been feeling since then, and he felt exactly the same as I did. The dog cage wasn't funny, and it grew less funny the longer it went on. The thing I can't get over is that I felt bad for getting upset about it, like I had no right to be upset and that I was just being a party pooper on everyone else's good time. What's even more upsetting was that everyone seemed surprised when they found out I was hurt by it. I would have thought it'd be pretty obvious why it was a shit thing to do. I'm not trying to bring this whole issue back again. But I can't help it if it's still on my mind. Although I don't think I'm upset about it anymore, I feel extremely isolated from everyone. It didn't help that Cajun still kept on bringing it up this weekend. At the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone. And frankly, I doubt it'll make much of a difference anyway. As far as I'm concerned, Eric and my friends get along better when 1) I'm not there or 2)They have me to make fun of.
I feel so fucking stupid. Don't even bother commenting.